Stop! I know what you are thinking. "Give in and publish the most vile dreck imaginable? Allow Willy Huge's libels and horrid distortions to appear on this, the third most popular anti-xkcd blog in the entire blogger.com domain? Surely you cannot be serious!"
Never fear! I have received word that Willy Huge was, like us, outraged by this comic, and felt the need to recant everything he has ever written, in one fell swoop of bloggeteering. I myself have not actually read the post in question, but I know that even William must have terrible things to say about comic 631. Right? His post is copy and pasted, starting now:
I am William Monty Hughes, and it is extremely likely that I am faster, stronger and more intelligent than the person reading this sentence (that would be you).
I am only posting on this Beelzeblag to provide a necessary unbiased and contrary opinion (mine). I am disrupting the perpetual circle-jerk that is the Xkcdsucks.blogspot.com community, and for this I am proud. Perhaps I can even redeem some of their most volatile members with my rhetorical skill.
My thoughts on the recent "Xkcd":
The most recent "Xkcd" is already easily one of my all-time favourites. Do you want to know why, humble reader? It is simple, but since you are probably a complete and utter moron (I know the first person other than me to read this certainly is, Wheeler) I shall have to beat the point into your microscopic, nihilistic brain.
Today's strip made me laugh, think and also gave me a GIGANTIC erection (thank you, Mr. Munroe). An extremely rare occurrence for an online comic, even this one (please forgive me if I am being rude). This would be the first I have seen to tackle all three aspects.
Since I have a perfect, photographic memory (Yes, I'm eidectic, how surprising), I shall relay to you my exact first reactions to the recent strip.
I am waiting. In several minutes a masterpiece shall be uploaded to the inter-net, for the masses to behold.
It is time. I refresh once more.
It's not there! It's not there! I focus my rage into a roar, and SCREAM into the Heavens!
An eternity passes. It should be there. Why isn't it there?!
I futiley refresh a final time... But DISASTER strikes once more! My personal computer FREEZES. It REFUSES to load!
In one, fleeting moment of tremendous rage, I CURSE Randall Munroe himself.
I erred, and I apologize. I realized my grave mistake the instant those blasphemous words -my words- charged forth from my tongue, in my voice but not of my soul.
I was about to punish myself as, remarkably, my personal computer returned to normality. Xkcd.com had loaded, and what did I find on my blessed monitor?
A comic strip. A NEW comic strip. Oh, frabjous day!
I read "female breast", and my mind exploded, blood instinctively RUSHED to my perfect penis. I predicted this was going to be an excellent strip (more evidence for the case of me being an oracle) and so felt I must savour it, as I knew that this would be the only time, EVER, in the history of the entire multi-universal spectrum, that William Monty Hughes (IQ 224) saw this particular "Xkcd" strip for the first, and possibly most fulfilling time.
I looked below the caption, and saw a wonderfully drawn breast. Exactly like the ones on Google Images! I must once again commend Randall for his realistic artistic talent.
I also saw the labels, and I must say, they were extremely informative. "Xkcd" teaches and entertains simultaneously!
Panel 1 had finished. The comic was 1/4, 0.25 or 25% complete.
I started Panel 2. I had thought that nothing could supercede Panel 1! I was wrong. So very wrong. A perfectly renditioned human female vagina/anus is indeed vastly superior to a perfectly renditioned human female breast. The only point of improvement would be the rude and intrusive "hey!" dialogue bubble. How inconvenient! I rushed Panel 2 in hopes of there being another vagina (or perhaps something EVEN more erotic) in panel 3, only completely devoid of speech. I wish I had not.
Panel 2 had finished. The comic was 1/2, 0.5 or 50% complete.
I began reading Panel 3, and I am ashamed to admit it, but I was disappointed. It was MUCH less "sexy" than Panel 2. *Sigh*
"External male genitalia". Oh dear. I am a very heterosexual male and I do not approve of this at all.
Ah, false alarm. Wonderful subversion of my expectations! I am glad I did not have to see a male reproductive organ other than my own.
"Shit". Hmm, oh dear, a character is either referring to feces or something negative has occurred.
"What the hell? You can't do that in here!"
What are they doing?! Tell me now! I must know! I am sure it is hilarious AND imaginative! What is the correlation between this and Panels 1 and 2?!
"Megan, get off the table!". Ah, the pretty lady is "Megan". Panels 1 and 2 were taken while she was lying on a table, naked. Of course!
I wish I was intimate with Megan! Is this specific strip based on a true story, Randall? I hope so (my reasoning shall become apparent later).
This is the point when my human male penis had become fully erect.
"Grab the tripod!" What tripod? Is that a euphemism? Or is he being literal?! I could not wait to find out the secret to my enquiries!
Panel 3 had finished. The comic was 3/4, 0.75 or 75% complete. A true shame.
"Erect penis". I was half-expecting to see a photo of my own as this panel. How amusing if that had been true, if slightly embarrassing, and not as HILARIOUS as the original comic.
"We're calling the cops". Oh dear, run Megan, run!!!
"Run!" I have a spiritual bond with this character, that goes beyond our similarity of character. Could we be... Heterosexual soul-mates? This could prove tiresome as that character is a fictional stick-figure.
"TGI Friday's is a family establishment!". TGI Friday's has spurned me in the past, so the prospect of this actually occurring amuses me. In fact, I hope it does, over-weight, rude red-haired, teenage employee! Take that!
At this point, the joke had become so very clear to me, and I burst out laughing for several long and extremely pleasurable minutes, before ceasing.
I have reviewed responses from the fora, and I fail to see the reason why some consider the nudity to be a problem.
Heterosexual males should enjoy the nudity. Homosexual females should enjoy the nudity. Heterosexual females should not care.
Homosexual males... Perhaps. Does this mean that Roberto, James and Carl Wheeler are all gay? For each other? I refuse to comment further.
The answer is yes, they are.
In conclusion, this comic is flawless and, if I was the President of the United States of America, I would pass a law to send all "Xkcd" detractors to insane asylums.
For those who would speak ill of "Xkcd's" esteemed creator:
I insulted Lord Munroe, and he had the compassion to not withhold the strip from me, as he should have. This speaks wonders of the vastness of the man's infinite capability for compassion.
Randall, I forgive you. I always have and always shall. I only hope that you can one day forgive me.
-William Monty Hughes
"Cogito Ergo Sum"
P.S: I know how you all seem to masturbate to acronyms (one of the key signs of a weak mind), so I've provided you with some material, I hope it fails to disappoint:
Or "please do not leave my head. Please stay for as long as you desire, until doing so becomes impractical or inefficient".
P.P.S: As some of you may or may not know, I have recently been SHUNNED and INSULTED by the TvTropes "Xkcd" fora community. Probably on account of their immense jealousy for my intellect, prose and achievements. Though why they claim to "enjoy" "Xkcd", I cannot fathom. If they are deeply envious of me (to the point of spite), then why not of Munroe? Whose accomplishments and mental acuity far surpass my own.
They are essentially you (back-water public-schooled mutants), only on the opposite polarity in regards to "Xkcd".
I would appreciate it if you were to join Rupert Lostman's war campaign against them. This will weaken both of your sides, which is beneficial to me as I loathe you both (this is an old war tactic, to manipulate your enemies against each other).
This is the fora thread for "Xkcd":
My first post on the TvTropes fora (my handle is "MathStar", identical to the one I use on the "Xkcd" fora):
Sickening Sychopantic (this is a technique that I am utilising known by many names, most prominently known as "alliteration") Carl "Ugly" Wheeler worship is rampant and Rupert Lostman's trademarked retardation is scattered amidst the pages, completely ruining the thread and all potential quality it may have held.
P.P.P.S: I have recently stumbled upon the "Dominic Deegan" thread in the "Giant in the Playground Fora".
It is almost exactly like THIS cultist community. Probably because your motive for hating this comic is EXACTLY THE SAME as that of the Dominic-Deegan-Detractors. Envy.
For a great comic and its even greater creator.
1. Nitpick over minor details that are not even errors.
2. Complaining about delusions of "stilted" or "unnatural" dialogue.
3. Do not understand that "bad art" is simply a stylistic choice.
4. Have no sense of humour.
5. Have abysmal spelling and grammar.
6. Complain about "one-dimensional characters" when they are, in actuality, well-rounded realistic people with complex personalities.
7. COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING FOR NO REASON AT ALL
You even share a member: Frogwarrior.
Farewell, may the vast majority of the people who read this PERISH soon, and painfully. Without honour. A karmic death. You are all despicable proto-human beings. This is not a subjective opinion, but an objective fact.