Sunday, March 6, 2011

Comic 869: You Can't Always Get What You Want

attention span

[Comic title: Server Attention Span; not reproducing the alt text because it's long and I'm lazy]

Randall is a man of simple desires. He wants to touch the hem of the Cheetos-stained garment of a genuine programmer. He wants to spend all day reading Wikipedia and Reddit. He wants someone to tell him that he is beautiful. He wants to slurp the delicious fluid secreted by Megan's delicate pink milk buttons all the live-long day. As simple desires, Randall expects that the universe will have no difficulty accommodating him.

But, as he is too often reminded, such as when Megan inexplicably starts running as he approaches with a cry of "MILK" on his lips, sometimes a man is desired even these desires so fundamental to his being that one might even call them "needs." And it is brought home to him too often for even his damaged mind to ignore: Megan, the object of his infinite desire, is too often the agent of his rejection as well. She denies him what he wants! She denies him what he needs! There is only one way to describe her treachery.

She is like a poorly designed server that misinterprets his requests and sends him to the wrong webpage!

Having finally built up the courage (or milk-lust) to shout these words at her (through the internet, of course--Randy no longer leaves his warren, not even on a milk quest), Randy entered a swoon, and on coming to, the clock flashed at him ominously. Only an hour left before he had to post a new comic!

But all he could think about was the amazing zinger he had hurled at Megan just now. That was pretty clever, wasn't it? He should write about how annoying it is when stupid Megan doesn't understand his milk requests and instead sends him to the main page of his despair. That would show her!

This took him about ten seconds. The rest of the hour was spent painstakingly drawing wiggly geometric shapes that were meant to be computers and smartphones.

122 comments:

  1. Robyn you cow, that is not it at all. AT ALL. Clearly, XKCD is just not for you.

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  2. note that "hi! i'm X!" is an old joke from quesitonable content, where X is randy, a bandicoot.

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  3. Had a rendez-vous with Janet quite near the Isle of Thanet. She looked more like a gannet, she wasn't half a prannet. Her mother tried to ban it-- her father helped me plan it! And when I captured Janet, she bruised her pomegranate.

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  4. ALL THESE DICKS ARE YOURS EXCEPT XKCD'S, ATTEMPT NO RANDINESS THERE

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  5. Wow is the a record in speed? Well done Rob!

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  6. Sure is great to read Randall fanfiction again, you creepo.

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  7. that is such a terrible computer drawing.

    fuck

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  8. Oh look guys! The swarthy Ravenzomg and the racist Capn have written a relevant and worthwhile review of the comic on their mirror blog!

    http://capnsblag.blogspot.com

    Oh, those two! They are like the original Odd Couple, except on the internet and also Capn never says anything.

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  9. I thought today's comic was kind of funny. Not particularly clever, but kind of funny. The question is, is Randall getting better, or is it the blind-squirrel effect? (N.B. he's not getting better).

    Why the hell is the smartphone bent like a banana?

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  10. I'd probably appreciate this xkcd more if it was something I'd experienced, and as a heavy smartphone user I'd expect to have seen it once if it was that commonplace.

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  11. All you bastards should go do this instead of reading this piece of shit blog:

    http://heavyconsulting.net/bestxkcd/

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  12. Panel five, box at the bottom: Two stick figures having bland sex?

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  13. The comic itself is actually kind of funny, but my god the art is awful. Why is the phone bent like that? Why is the computer drawn so crudely, and what's with the perspective in the last panel? o.O

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  14. I'm developing a new system for reading Rob's reviews. There are three things I'm looking for:

    #1 Megan references in comics not featuring women
    #2 Pure speculation about Randall's behaviour
    #3 References to how sycophanctic the cuddlefish are

    If there are 2 of these 3 in a review, then Rob is phoning it in. And he's phoned in just about every article on this site for a few weeks, hitting point #2 pretty consistently.

    Really, it feels like this blog is just retreading the same ground over and over again. Wasn't there a time when Rob wrote about the content of the comics, instead of what basically amounts to fanfiction? Come on Rob, these days you're worse than Randy.

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  15. [Comic title: Server Attention Span; not reproducing the alt text because it's long and I'm lazy]
    Do you not understand how View Source works?

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  16. do you not understand how Being Lazy works?

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  17. I hate sycophancts.

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  18. And you don't complain about being called racist.

    Hmmm.

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  19. Xkcdsucks was going a bit down the hill, but then there was the lactation comic, and all the milk jokes really add something new to the old classic Megan joke.

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  20. I really feel that the former high class criticism om this site is a thing of the past. This strip was actually quite funny, and doing the megan routine with it just feels far-fetched and tired. Shape up!

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  21. I'm getting bored of the over-done Megan routine. This site needs a new running gag.

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  22. It's days like these that I miss xkcdexplained

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  23. cuddlefish really never learn

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  24. @Ray: the perspective in the last panel is fine. I assume you've looked at rack-mounts (other than Megan's) before?

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  25. Rob, I want more analysis in these reviews!

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  26. You're a loser, Rob.

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  27. You're a loser, Rob; I want more analysis in these reviews! I'm getting bored of the over-done Megan routine. This site needs a new running gag. Rob, you're phoning it in.

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  28. You're a loser, Rob; I want more analysis in these reviews! I'm getting bored of the over-done Megan routine. This site needs a new running gag. Rob, you're phoning it in. Why don't you even when that over this is so away?

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  29. You're a review, Megan; I want more losers in these gags! I'm getting site of the over-done Rob routine. This analysis needs a new running Rob. Bored, you're phoning it in.

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  30. Read this review without the line

    "She is like a poorly designed server that misinterprets his requests and sends him to the wrong webpage!"

    and replace

    "The rest of the hour was spent painstakingly drawing wiggly geometric shapes that were meant to be computers and smartphones."

    with

    "The rest of the hour was spent painstakingly [???]"

    It's clear that this review is utterly generic except for these two bits, and was posted quickly because he only needed to fill in two sentences.

    Not that the comic is funny.

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  31. actually, the review was written for the comic. the theme of "you can't always get what you want" is not generic--it wouldn't work well for most of the past several comics, for instance. and there are other references to the comic in the main text.

    I'm saying this not because I'm opposed to writing generic reviews--T_A's review of the last comic was, in fact, written mostly before the comic itself came out, and it was pretty well-received--or because the review actually has anything to do with the comic, but because there's a good deal of "subtlety" (and I use the term loosely) that you're missing here.

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  32. I AM ROB AND I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING KING OF SUBTLETY

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  33. I seriously hope Carl takes this site back soon.

    Rob, you're a fucking failure.

    And you're far worse than Randall Munroe.

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  34. BUT IF YOU TRY SOMETIMES, WELL, YOU JUST MIGHT FIND -- YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED

    OH BABY, YEAH YEAH

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  35. There are some places out there that require you to post under your real name online. I heard it might happen in America.

    That would sure suck for all the cold, immovable anons who are really just scared teenage boys in their pajamas. This site would probably lose three fourths of its posts.

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  36. Captain Cameron said:

    "....immovable anons who are really just scared teenage boys in their pajamas....."

    Some of them are scared, and angsty, teenage girls in their sexy babydolls.

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  37. Crap. There goes my secret identity.

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  38. If you would just explain why you think each strip sucks, based on the strip itself, instead of launching into your really unfunny, now uninspired, Randy-Megan spiels, this blog would be so much better.

    You've become what you dislike about Randy. A repetitive unimaginative drone.

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  39. god this blog sucks now

    when rob started doing this stupid storytelling garbage I thought it was unfunny but I assumed it would only be for one or two comics

    now every single post is this shit

    the megan fantasies are just as creepy if not more than the actual shit that they're meant to make fun of. it offers no sort of actual criticism, which would be okay if the insulting caricature it presented was at least amusing

    the only people who like this shit are the people who've been reading and commenting on this blog so long that it's actually become part of their identity, that they belong to some kind of xkcdsucks "community" on the internet

    (I suppose I should give some sort of a loyalty pledge so you dont think I'm some cloaca-hurt sperger xkcd fan - I hate XKCD, its poorly drawn, nerdbaiting, and frequently creepy. It's only as popular at is because people who are borderline autistic love to tug their dongs to the notion that recognizing references to pop-sci and sci-fi signifies belonging to a special club of highly intelligent people.)

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  40. @dogbreathcanada
    Well I wish your face had a not tons of acne on it. If it did have a not tons of acne, YOU would be so much better.

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  41. Keep commenting or I'll die! I only came into existence because of the hatred in this blog -- your hatred, be it of Randall or Rob, fuels me!!

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  42. Dearest Booty
    You are an unlettered and possibly innumerate dandy.
    If English is not your mother tongue, I would normally apologise but, in your case, I will make an exception.

    anonymous at 10:29 said:

    '....cloaca-hurt sperger...."

    A truly inspired derogation! I salute you.

    @ dogbreathcanada

    Why do you feel that this site has an obligation to entertain you? Is it because you come from Canada where all you frozen socialist cunts live in a land of entitlement? Where the Internet, and the world, exists to provide you with what ever you fancy?
    Dogcockcanada more like

    Innit?

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  43. Fail troll is fail

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  44. Charles Chortleton III esq.March 8, 2011 at 12:11 PM

    I do say, a play on words? I allowed myself a hearty chortle upon reading. Jolly good show!

    Captcha: apparde. Baby, it's apparde as long as you're there.

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  45. Captcha: phamilar

    Then lost myself in a phamila song
    I closed my eyes, and I slipped away....

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  46. so which is it? phamilar or phamila?

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  47. I don't know.
    Tom Scholz won't return my calls to confirm.

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  48. Perhaps Mr. Delp* can help.

    Anybody have some séance paraphernalia handy?

    *or Derp, as he's known in Asia

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  49. For the next comic, how about you just fucking review it Rob.

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  50. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

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  51. Captain Cameron

    As an Asian, I can attest to our ability to use articulatory phonetics to pronounce the palatal lateral approximant - "L" sound - found in the word "Delp". We're fucked with 'Derp' though on account of our cunting rhotacism.

    After all, it's 'Flied Lice' right?

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  52. Oooops!
    Make that 'alveolar lateral approximant' instead.

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  53. wrong kind of asian idiot

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  54. For the next comic, how about you just fucking make it Rob.

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  55. The what kind of asian idiot did you have in mind, idiot?

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  56. Wow, diamond shaped diagrams work for everything! I think this one summarizes the current xkcdsucks argument very well

    http://img19.imageshack.us/i/12219276.png/

    (Or if you don't want to copy/paste a url, just click my name to see it.

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  57. @ anonymous at 2:11 PM

    I know.
    I lefuse to lecite pop-culture lefelences.

    I am, by the way, A fucking moronically imbecilic idiot - get it right.

    @ Jon Levi.

    If I click your name will I catch obesity? You are a Yankee, right?

    Innit?

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  58. Oh. My. GOD. An entire SITE devoted to hating on XKCD? What's wrong with you people???? DOn't you have anytinhg better to do with your time!!!!

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  59. you say "an entire site" as if that's an accomplishment or something

    there's a fuckton of sites on the internet dude

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  60. I don't know about you, Anonymous at 2:24 PM, but I'm paid well to be here.

    And that is 'fucktonne' for speakers of real English by the way Rob.

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  61. I like how he seems to think whatever he does with his time is objectively better than what we do (not that this is all we do, anyway).

    If you're enjoying yourself, why does one activity have any more value than another?

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  62. Anonymous at 2:32 said:

    ".....If you're enjoying yourself, why does one activity have any more value than another?....."

    Joseph Mengele enjoying himself in 'activities' is equivalent in value to Mother Theresa enjoying herself in 'activities'?

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  63. So....you ENJOY being pricks for no good reason????

    I GUESS as long as your honest here! :D

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  64. I am very dishonest.
    I prevaricate ALL the time.

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  65. @ ALT-F

    No... and why would that happen if you clicked my name? Unless obesity is a symptom of a rickroll, which my link is not, by the way. Just a nice friendly chart. :-)

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  66. A Modest Proposal for Preventing Poor Rob in the Revolted Colonies From Being a Burden to His Fanboys or Country, and for Making Him Beneficial to the Internet.

    He should aggrandise his Lilliputian wit.
    He should diminish his Brobdingnagian ego.
    But I must admit, he's hung like a Houyhnhnm!

    Vires Acquirit Eundo - that's Rob's protuberance for ya!

    Jon Levi?
    I have to go ask my parents what a 'rickroll' is. I'll get back to you.

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  67. This thread needs more discussions centered around moral relativism and why I'm a racist.

    Captch: penin, my new plural for penis

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  68. Oh Capn. My Capn.
    You're a racist?
    Say it ain't so Capn. Say it ain't so.

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  69. Levi! Cuddlefish are people who like xkcd you pleb

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  70. @3:31! Cuddlefish are anonymous posters you pleb

    Get a name, fag!

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  71. Get a name, fag?

    Fag?

    How is this aspersing Capn? Carcinomic possibly, but a derogation? Hardly.

    Captcha: batskild How delightfully not malapropos. I'm a bat, I'm skilled and I am 'killed' off now until next Saturday.

    Innit?

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  72. Actually one of my friends raised a good point: if you're using a high-end Android-type phone (and let's not kid ourselves, that's what Randall has) it's not that hard to find a browser that makes the server think you're on a desktop. So while this might be a legitimate problem shouldn't Randall's position be to say people who complain about it are idiots for not being as tech-savvy as him?

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  73. Capn approves of XKCD because it contains no black or gay people.

    Full name of Capn, and picture: http://www.marvelfamily.com/Images/WhosWho/CaptainNazi.gif

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  74. Thankyou, Aquarians Love To Fuck, for once again helping anons look good.

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  75. The new comic, to save you from having to venture through the wastelands of the forum, is set off by AdBlocker. Now, a normal person might wonder why someone whose only source of income is doing a shitty, shitty webcomic would make it harder for people to view his pathetic attempts at drawing a smartphone. Not the forumites though. No. They think like this:

    "It set off mine as well. I assume that it was done on purpose, but if it wasn't then it's one incredible coincidence. Or is that irony?" - One of Randall's Sock Puppets.

    Of course. Why wouldn't it be? Randall, in his infinite sense of irony, makes a webcomic that one can infer from the title, is about Advertising, and he gets it blocked as an advertisement. Oh this is just so funny that I haven't even seen the webcomic yet and already I am rolling on the floor in laughter while masturbating to the thought of Randall sucking milk from a stick figure's tits. But wait, after finally figuring out the amusing source of my inability to load the page and turning off my AdBlocker, at last I get to see the comic. The fruits of my labor are rewarded with a graph comic. Truly these are happy days.

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  76. yeah, it's an incredible coincidence that Randall called a comic about advertising "advertising," a word which is blocked by most ad filters, because it usually indicates the presence of advertising

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  77. At first, when I saw no comic, but the title "Advertising" I thought Randy had hidden some advertising scheme in the source and quickly checked it, only to be let down. :(
    Now I have to settle with a shitty graph comic.

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  78. Best thing that can be said about the latest comic: it doesn't only have text.

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  79. I hate you all.

    http://capnsblag.blogspot.com/

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  80. randy is really fond of taking something that annoys him, changing its wording slightly so that it sounds infinitely dumber, and then making fun of that changed wording.

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  81. The third panel isn't even always true unless you can't budget beyond tomorrow. If it's something like toilet paper that you're always going to need more of, then spending more in a single purchase in order to buy in bulk equates to a larger long-term saving over not getting the bulk discount by only making the purchases in smaller quantities in each instance (unless there's a prish crash in the meantime, but consumer good prices have a tendency to trend up over time anyway). It's not that complicated, but I guess he makes such a roaring trade in t-shirt sales that he doesn't have to think very carefully about budgeting.

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  82. yes, none of his complaints are actually very sound. panel 1 is complaining about a thing that doesn't ever happen. panel 2 is a false assertion that nobody will ever pay money to advertise a free service--or at least, it assumes that the only expected value possible is monetary. people will pay money to advertise things which are free only if they expect to derive some value out of the advertising, but that value need not be financial.

    I guess randy finds this annoying for some reason? maybe he feels that it's dishonest for someone to be like 'free benefit concert tonight!' and then ask for donations or try to sell merchandise at that free concert.

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  83. "Prish crash" has to be the most bizarre typo (technically more of a brain spasm) I've ever made.

    I have seen bargain tables labelled as "up to $X and over" in an effort to entice customers in that direction, but never as a percentage discount. It wouldn't even make sense as a percentage discount, as in such cases you would want to advertise with the biggest number you can. Bigger discounts look better for some reason!

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  84. Well, I for one am sure glad that Randy pointed out that hard to identify "negative slope"--I almost missed it!

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  85. "yes, none of his complaints are actually very sound. panel 1 is complaining about a thing that doesn't ever happen. panel 2 is a false assertion that nobody will ever pay money to advertise a free service--or at least, it assumes that the only expected value possible is monetary. people will pay money to advertise things which are free only if they expect to derive some value out of the advertising, but that value need not be financial."

    You see, that is an amusing critique of Randall's last comic. Though when it comes to time to actually blog the critique, you'll launch into some sort of Megan tirade.

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  86. i'm sorry to report that panel 1 does happen. maybe you live in a more enlightened part of the u.s.? where i am i constantly see "up to 10% or more" signs.

    it bugs the hell out of me. not the other two though. actually the 3rd makes zero sense, as someone pointed out re toilet paper.

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  87. Why is A-LTF back? The comments threads have been stuffed with her/him pretending to be a girl being annoying and casually racist, all the while pointing out conspiciously that they're an asian female.

    wow.

    ROB LORD OF LARD WHAT SHOULD I DO?

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  88. Isn't Randy a huge lover of FOSS? I'm pretty sure Firefox have paid to advertise their browser and I've never given them a cent for it. That alt-text... I can't really even put into words how annoyingly stupid it is

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  89. I have seen the first one done, so it actually got a smirk out of me in a GOOMH way. The rest weren't funny or accurate.

    Captcha: idiftr. I did it for the rofls!

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  90. This entire blog is textbook ad hominem.

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  91. Sam thinks he is clever for noticing that.

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  92. Ha. That shut you up, Sam.

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  93. It was so effective that he changed his name to 'Ching'.

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  94. I'm not the same person, and I wasn't being sarcastic. I think you zinged him pretty good.

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  95. Just pretend then. It will make me look better.

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  96. Come any closer Randall and I will stab your eardrum with my tiny, barbed kitten penis.

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  97. I can tolerate that as long as you let me drink your milk. Boy kitty nipples make milk too, right?

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  98. No, Randall, no they don't. They make pain.

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  99. That graph is arranged all wrong and counter-intuitively. I thought this was his forte?

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  100. Gosh dang it to heck Randall, that was one lame not-even-a-graph-comic.

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  101. @XKCD 870:

    If you integrate the amount you spend over all possible amounts you could save, you find that the average amount you spend is equal to half the total amount you could save. What does this mean? Money, Math, Science, Graphs! Its XKCD!

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  102. Reboot does a Redux countdown: 26

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  103. Aww, sam patch is using a phrase he doesn't understand

    hint: this blog is not instituting an ad hominem fallacy anywhere. Jesus lord protector of all that is good and holy, save me from stupid people who don't understand what an ad hominem is (hint: this sentence iss not an ad hominem either, you stupid cuntfaggot)

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  104. Sorry, Ves, but I'd rather listen to a professional's opinion.

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  105. No shit sherlock? Rob's reviews are not saying "Randall is a man-baby obsessed with lactation, therefore his comic sucks". Rob's reviews are saying "Randall is a man-baby obsessed with lactation". Commentors who actually critique randall's comic do not say "this comic sucks because randall is a man-baby obsessed with lactation", they say things like "this comic sucks because Randall's art does a terrible job of providing context" (as an example).

    TL;DR, you just provided a link that promptly fisted you in the asshole with a table lamp. Nicely done.

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  106. Come one Ves, you have to admit that Wikipedia is a professional. I mean, just look at that snazzy logo it's got going on!

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  107. If Wikipedia is professional enough for Randall Monroe, then it's professional enough for all of his arm chair intellectual sycophant fans.

    And that's good enough for me.

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  108. I love you guys.

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  109. My only problem with this comic: I cannot withdraw pi% of my deposits from the bank, Randall. Do you actually use money, or are you one of those "young" and "hip" perpetual plastic-users?

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  110. Money is irrelevant. In the future everything will be paid for with cheese machines.

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  111. And then, truly, the cheese makers will be blessed.

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