Sunday, March 6, 2011

Comic 869: You Can't Always Get What You Want

attention span

[Comic title: Server Attention Span; not reproducing the alt text because it's long and I'm lazy]

Randall is a man of simple desires. He wants to touch the hem of the Cheetos-stained garment of a genuine programmer. He wants to spend all day reading Wikipedia and Reddit. He wants someone to tell him that he is beautiful. He wants to slurp the delicious fluid secreted by Megan's delicate pink milk buttons all the live-long day. As simple desires, Randall expects that the universe will have no difficulty accommodating him.

But, as he is too often reminded, such as when Megan inexplicably starts running as he approaches with a cry of "MILK" on his lips, sometimes a man is desired even these desires so fundamental to his being that one might even call them "needs." And it is brought home to him too often for even his damaged mind to ignore: Megan, the object of his infinite desire, is too often the agent of his rejection as well. She denies him what he wants! She denies him what he needs! There is only one way to describe her treachery.

She is like a poorly designed server that misinterprets his requests and sends him to the wrong webpage!

Having finally built up the courage (or milk-lust) to shout these words at her (through the internet, of course--Randy no longer leaves his warren, not even on a milk quest), Randy entered a swoon, and on coming to, the clock flashed at him ominously. Only an hour left before he had to post a new comic!

But all he could think about was the amazing zinger he had hurled at Megan just now. That was pretty clever, wasn't it? He should write about how annoying it is when stupid Megan doesn't understand his milk requests and instead sends him to the main page of his despair. That would show her!

This took him about ten seconds. The rest of the hour was spent painstakingly drawing wiggly geometric shapes that were meant to be computers and smartphones.

121 comments:

  1. Robyn you cow, that is not it at all. AT ALL. Clearly, XKCD is just not for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. note that "hi! i'm X!" is an old joke from quesitonable content, where X is randy, a bandicoot.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Had a rendez-vous with Janet quite near the Isle of Thanet. She looked more like a gannet, she wasn't half a prannet. Her mother tried to ban it-- her father helped me plan it! And when I captured Janet, she bruised her pomegranate.

    ReplyDelete
  4. ALL THESE DICKS ARE YOURS EXCEPT XKCD'S, ATTEMPT NO RANDINESS THERE

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow is the a record in speed? Well done Rob!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sure is great to read Randall fanfiction again, you creepo.

    ReplyDelete
  7. that is such a terrible computer drawing.

    fuck

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh look guys! The swarthy Ravenzomg and the racist Capn have written a relevant and worthwhile review of the comic on their mirror blog!

    http://capnsblag.blogspot.com

    Oh, those two! They are like the original Odd Couple, except on the internet and also Capn never says anything.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I thought today's comic was kind of funny. Not particularly clever, but kind of funny. The question is, is Randall getting better, or is it the blind-squirrel effect? (N.B. he's not getting better).

    Why the hell is the smartphone bent like a banana?

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'd probably appreciate this xkcd more if it was something I'd experienced, and as a heavy smartphone user I'd expect to have seen it once if it was that commonplace.

    ReplyDelete
  11. All you bastards should go do this instead of reading this piece of shit blog:

    http://heavyconsulting.net/bestxkcd/

    ReplyDelete
  12. Panel five, box at the bottom: Two stick figures having bland sex?

    ReplyDelete
  13. The comic itself is actually kind of funny, but my god the art is awful. Why is the phone bent like that? Why is the computer drawn so crudely, and what's with the perspective in the last panel? o.O

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm developing a new system for reading Rob's reviews. There are three things I'm looking for:

    #1 Megan references in comics not featuring women
    #2 Pure speculation about Randall's behaviour
    #3 References to how sycophanctic the cuddlefish are

    If there are 2 of these 3 in a review, then Rob is phoning it in. And he's phoned in just about every article on this site for a few weeks, hitting point #2 pretty consistently.

    Really, it feels like this blog is just retreading the same ground over and over again. Wasn't there a time when Rob wrote about the content of the comics, instead of what basically amounts to fanfiction? Come on Rob, these days you're worse than Randy.

    ReplyDelete
  15. [Comic title: Server Attention Span; not reproducing the alt text because it's long and I'm lazy]
    Do you not understand how View Source works?

    ReplyDelete
  16. do you not understand how Being Lazy works?

    ReplyDelete
  17. I hate sycophancts.

    ReplyDelete
  18. And you don't complain about being called racist.

    Hmmm.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Xkcdsucks was going a bit down the hill, but then there was the lactation comic, and all the milk jokes really add something new to the old classic Megan joke.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I really feel that the former high class criticism om this site is a thing of the past. This strip was actually quite funny, and doing the megan routine with it just feels far-fetched and tired. Shape up!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm getting bored of the over-done Megan routine. This site needs a new running gag.

    ReplyDelete
  22. It's days like these that I miss xkcdexplained

    ReplyDelete
  23. cuddlefish really never learn

    ReplyDelete
  24. @Ray: the perspective in the last panel is fine. I assume you've looked at rack-mounts (other than Megan's) before?

    ReplyDelete
  25. Rob, I want more analysis in these reviews!

    ReplyDelete
  26. You're a loser, Rob.

    ReplyDelete
  27. You're a loser, Rob; I want more analysis in these reviews! I'm getting bored of the over-done Megan routine. This site needs a new running gag. Rob, you're phoning it in.

    ReplyDelete
  28. You're a loser, Rob; I want more analysis in these reviews! I'm getting bored of the over-done Megan routine. This site needs a new running gag. Rob, you're phoning it in. Why don't you even when that over this is so away?

    ReplyDelete
  29. You're a review, Megan; I want more losers in these gags! I'm getting site of the over-done Rob routine. This analysis needs a new running Rob. Bored, you're phoning it in.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Read this review without the line

    "She is like a poorly designed server that misinterprets his requests and sends him to the wrong webpage!"

    and replace

    "The rest of the hour was spent painstakingly drawing wiggly geometric shapes that were meant to be computers and smartphones."

    with

    "The rest of the hour was spent painstakingly [???]"

    It's clear that this review is utterly generic except for these two bits, and was posted quickly because he only needed to fill in two sentences.

    Not that the comic is funny.

    ReplyDelete
  31. actually, the review was written for the comic. the theme of "you can't always get what you want" is not generic--it wouldn't work well for most of the past several comics, for instance. and there are other references to the comic in the main text.

    I'm saying this not because I'm opposed to writing generic reviews--T_A's review of the last comic was, in fact, written mostly before the comic itself came out, and it was pretty well-received--or because the review actually has anything to do with the comic, but because there's a good deal of "subtlety" (and I use the term loosely) that you're missing here.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I AM ROB AND I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING KING OF SUBTLETY

    ReplyDelete
  33. I seriously hope Carl takes this site back soon.

    Rob, you're a fucking failure.

    And you're far worse than Randall Munroe.

    ReplyDelete
  34. BUT IF YOU TRY SOMETIMES, WELL, YOU JUST MIGHT FIND -- YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED

    OH BABY, YEAH YEAH

    ReplyDelete
  35. There are some places out there that require you to post under your real name online. I heard it might happen in America.

    That would sure suck for all the cold, immovable anons who are really just scared teenage boys in their pajamas. This site would probably lose three fourths of its posts.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Captain Cameron said:

    "....immovable anons who are really just scared teenage boys in their pajamas....."

    Some of them are scared, and angsty, teenage girls in their sexy babydolls.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Crap. There goes my secret identity.

    ReplyDelete
  38. If you would just explain why you think each strip sucks, based on the strip itself, instead of launching into your really unfunny, now uninspired, Randy-Megan spiels, this blog would be so much better.

    You've become what you dislike about Randy. A repetitive unimaginative drone.

    ReplyDelete
  39. god this blog sucks now

    when rob started doing this stupid storytelling garbage I thought it was unfunny but I assumed it would only be for one or two comics

    now every single post is this shit

    the megan fantasies are just as creepy if not more than the actual shit that they're meant to make fun of. it offers no sort of actual criticism, which would be okay if the insulting caricature it presented was at least amusing

    the only people who like this shit are the people who've been reading and commenting on this blog so long that it's actually become part of their identity, that they belong to some kind of xkcdsucks "community" on the internet

    (I suppose I should give some sort of a loyalty pledge so you dont think I'm some cloaca-hurt sperger xkcd fan - I hate XKCD, its poorly drawn, nerdbaiting, and frequently creepy. It's only as popular at is because people who are borderline autistic love to tug their dongs to the notion that recognizing references to pop-sci and sci-fi signifies belonging to a special club of highly intelligent people.)

    ReplyDelete
  40. @dogbreathcanada
    Well I wish your face had a not tons of acne on it. If it did have a not tons of acne, YOU would be so much better.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Keep commenting or I'll die! I only came into existence because of the hatred in this blog -- your hatred, be it of Randall or Rob, fuels me!!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Dearest Booty
    You are an unlettered and possibly innumerate dandy.
    If English is not your mother tongue, I would normally apologise but, in your case, I will make an exception.

    anonymous at 10:29 said:

    '....cloaca-hurt sperger...."

    A truly inspired derogation! I salute you.

    @ dogbreathcanada

    Why do you feel that this site has an obligation to entertain you? Is it because you come from Canada where all you frozen socialist cunts live in a land of entitlement? Where the Internet, and the world, exists to provide you with what ever you fancy?
    Dogcockcanada more like

    Innit?

    ReplyDelete
  43. Fail troll is fail

    ReplyDelete
  44. Flail troll is fay

    ReplyDelete
  45. Charles Chortleton III esq.March 8, 2011 at 12:11 PM

    I do say, a play on words? I allowed myself a hearty chortle upon reading. Jolly good show!

    Captcha: apparde. Baby, it's apparde as long as you're there.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Captcha: phamilar

    Then lost myself in a phamila song
    I closed my eyes, and I slipped away....

    ReplyDelete
  47. so which is it? phamilar or phamila?

    ReplyDelete
  48. I don't know.
    Tom Scholz won't return my calls to confirm.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Perhaps Mr. Delp* can help.

    Anybody have some séance paraphernalia handy?

    *or Derp, as he's known in Asia

    ReplyDelete
  50. For the next comic, how about you just fucking review it Rob.

    ReplyDelete
  51. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  52. Captain Cameron

    As an Asian, I can attest to our ability to use articulatory phonetics to pronounce the palatal lateral approximant - "L" sound - found in the word "Delp". We're fucked with 'Derp' though on account of our cunting rhotacism.

    After all, it's 'Flied Lice' right?

    ReplyDelete
  53. Oooops!
    Make that 'alveolar lateral approximant' instead.

    ReplyDelete
  54. wrong kind of asian idiot

    ReplyDelete
  55. For the next comic, how about you just fucking make it Rob.

    ReplyDelete
  56. The what kind of asian idiot did you have in mind, idiot?

    ReplyDelete
  57. Wow, diamond shaped diagrams work for everything! I think this one summarizes the current xkcdsucks argument very well

    http://img19.imageshack.us/i/12219276.png/

    (Or if you don't want to copy/paste a url, just click my name to see it.

    ReplyDelete
  58. @ anonymous at 2:11 PM

    I know.
    I lefuse to lecite pop-culture lefelences.

    I am, by the way, A fucking moronically imbecilic idiot - get it right.

    @ Jon Levi.

    If I click your name will I catch obesity? You are a Yankee, right?

    Innit?

    ReplyDelete
  59. Oh. My. GOD. An entire SITE devoted to hating on XKCD? What's wrong with you people???? DOn't you have anytinhg better to do with your time!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  60. you say "an entire site" as if that's an accomplishment or something

    there's a fuckton of sites on the internet dude

    ReplyDelete
  61. I don't know about you, Anonymous at 2:24 PM, but I'm paid well to be here.

    And that is 'fucktonne' for speakers of real English by the way Rob.

    ReplyDelete
  62. I like how he seems to think whatever he does with his time is objectively better than what we do (not that this is all we do, anyway).

    If you're enjoying yourself, why does one activity have any more value than another?

    ReplyDelete
  63. Anonymous at 2:32 said:

    ".....If you're enjoying yourself, why does one activity have any more value than another?....."

    Joseph Mengele enjoying himself in 'activities' is equivalent in value to Mother Theresa enjoying herself in 'activities'?

    ReplyDelete
  64. So....you ENJOY being pricks for no good reason????

    I GUESS as long as your honest here! :D

    ReplyDelete
  65. I am very dishonest.
    I prevaricate ALL the time.

    ReplyDelete
  66. @ ALT-F

    No... and why would that happen if you clicked my name? Unless obesity is a symptom of a rickroll, which my link is not, by the way. Just a nice friendly chart. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  67. A Modest Proposal for Preventing Poor Rob in the Revolted Colonies From Being a Burden to His Fanboys or Country, and for Making Him Beneficial to the Internet.

    He should aggrandise his Lilliputian wit.
    He should diminish his Brobdingnagian ego.
    But I must admit, he's hung like a Houyhnhnm!

    Vires Acquirit Eundo - that's Rob's protuberance for ya!

    Jon Levi?
    I have to go ask my parents what a 'rickroll' is. I'll get back to you.

    ReplyDelete
  68. This thread needs more discussions centered around moral relativism and why I'm a racist.

    Captch: penin, my new plural for penis

    ReplyDelete
  69. Oh Capn. My Capn.
    You're a racist?
    Say it ain't so Capn. Say it ain't so.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Levi! Cuddlefish are people who like xkcd you pleb

    ReplyDelete
  71. @3:31! Cuddlefish are anonymous posters you pleb

    Get a name, fag!

    ReplyDelete
  72. Get a name, fag?

    Fag?

    How is this aspersing Capn? Carcinomic possibly, but a derogation? Hardly.

    Captcha: batskild How delightfully not malapropos. I'm a bat, I'm skilled and I am 'killed' off now until next Saturday.

    Innit?

    ReplyDelete
  73. Actually one of my friends raised a good point: if you're using a high-end Android-type phone (and let's not kid ourselves, that's what Randall has) it's not that hard to find a browser that makes the server think you're on a desktop. So while this might be a legitimate problem shouldn't Randall's position be to say people who complain about it are idiots for not being as tech-savvy as him?

    ReplyDelete
  74. Capn approves of XKCD because it contains no black or gay people.

    Full name of Capn, and picture: http://www.marvelfamily.com/Images/WhosWho/CaptainNazi.gif

    ReplyDelete
  75. Thankyou, Aquarians Love To Fuck, for once again helping anons look good.

    ReplyDelete
  76. The new comic, to save you from having to venture through the wastelands of the forum, is set off by AdBlocker. Now, a normal person might wonder why someone whose only source of income is doing a shitty, shitty webcomic would make it harder for people to view his pathetic attempts at drawing a smartphone. Not the forumites though. No. They think like this:

    "It set off mine as well. I assume that it was done on purpose, but if it wasn't then it's one incredible coincidence. Or is that irony?" - One of Randall's Sock Puppets.

    Of course. Why wouldn't it be? Randall, in his infinite sense of irony, makes a webcomic that one can infer from the title, is about Advertising, and he gets it blocked as an advertisement. Oh this is just so funny that I haven't even seen the webcomic yet and already I am rolling on the floor in laughter while masturbating to the thought of Randall sucking milk from a stick figure's tits. But wait, after finally figuring out the amusing source of my inability to load the page and turning off my AdBlocker, at last I get to see the comic. The fruits of my labor are rewarded with a graph comic. Truly these are happy days.

    ReplyDelete
  77. yeah, it's an incredible coincidence that Randall called a comic about advertising "advertising," a word which is blocked by most ad filters, because it usually indicates the presence of advertising

    ReplyDelete
  78. At first, when I saw no comic, but the title "Advertising" I thought Randy had hidden some advertising scheme in the source and quickly checked it, only to be let down. :(
    Now I have to settle with a shitty graph comic.

    ReplyDelete
  79. Best thing that can be said about the latest comic: it doesn't only have text.

    ReplyDelete
  80. I hate you all.

    http://capnsblag.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  81. randy is really fond of taking something that annoys him, changing its wording slightly so that it sounds infinitely dumber, and then making fun of that changed wording.

    ReplyDelete
  82. The third panel isn't even always true unless you can't budget beyond tomorrow. If it's something like toilet paper that you're always going to need more of, then spending more in a single purchase in order to buy in bulk equates to a larger long-term saving over not getting the bulk discount by only making the purchases in smaller quantities in each instance (unless there's a prish crash in the meantime, but consumer good prices have a tendency to trend up over time anyway). It's not that complicated, but I guess he makes such a roaring trade in t-shirt sales that he doesn't have to think very carefully about budgeting.

    ReplyDelete
  83. yes, none of his complaints are actually very sound. panel 1 is complaining about a thing that doesn't ever happen. panel 2 is a false assertion that nobody will ever pay money to advertise a free service--or at least, it assumes that the only expected value possible is monetary. people will pay money to advertise things which are free only if they expect to derive some value out of the advertising, but that value need not be financial.

    I guess randy finds this annoying for some reason? maybe he feels that it's dishonest for someone to be like 'free benefit concert tonight!' and then ask for donations or try to sell merchandise at that free concert.

    ReplyDelete
  84. "Prish crash" has to be the most bizarre typo (technically more of a brain spasm) I've ever made.

    I have seen bargain tables labelled as "up to $X and over" in an effort to entice customers in that direction, but never as a percentage discount. It wouldn't even make sense as a percentage discount, as in such cases you would want to advertise with the biggest number you can. Bigger discounts look better for some reason!

    ReplyDelete
  85. Well, I for one am sure glad that Randy pointed out that hard to identify "negative slope"--I almost missed it!

    ReplyDelete
  86. "yes, none of his complaints are actually very sound. panel 1 is complaining about a thing that doesn't ever happen. panel 2 is a false assertion that nobody will ever pay money to advertise a free service--or at least, it assumes that the only expected value possible is monetary. people will pay money to advertise things which are free only if they expect to derive some value out of the advertising, but that value need not be financial."

    You see, that is an amusing critique of Randall's last comic. Though when it comes to time to actually blog the critique, you'll launch into some sort of Megan tirade.

    ReplyDelete
  87. i'm sorry to report that panel 1 does happen. maybe you live in a more enlightened part of the u.s.? where i am i constantly see "up to 10% or more" signs.

    it bugs the hell out of me. not the other two though. actually the 3rd makes zero sense, as someone pointed out re toilet paper.

    ReplyDelete
  88. Why is A-LTF back? The comments threads have been stuffed with her/him pretending to be a girl being annoying and casually racist, all the while pointing out conspiciously that they're an asian female.

    wow.

    ROB LORD OF LARD WHAT SHOULD I DO?

    ReplyDelete
  89. Isn't Randy a huge lover of FOSS? I'm pretty sure Firefox have paid to advertise their browser and I've never given them a cent for it. That alt-text... I can't really even put into words how annoyingly stupid it is

    ReplyDelete
  90. I have seen the first one done, so it actually got a smirk out of me in a GOOMH way. The rest weren't funny or accurate.

    Captcha: idiftr. I did it for the rofls!

    ReplyDelete
  91. This entire blog is textbook ad hominem.

    ReplyDelete
  92. Sam thinks he is clever for noticing that.

    ReplyDelete
  93. Ha. That shut you up, Sam.

    ReplyDelete
  94. It was so effective that he changed his name to 'Ching'.

    ReplyDelete
  95. I'm not the same person, and I wasn't being sarcastic. I think you zinged him pretty good.

    ReplyDelete
  96. Just pretend then. It will make me look better.

    ReplyDelete
  97. Come any closer Randall and I will stab your eardrum with my tiny, barbed kitten penis.

    ReplyDelete
  98. I can tolerate that as long as you let me drink your milk. Boy kitty nipples make milk too, right?

    ReplyDelete
  99. No, Randall, no they don't. They make pain.

    ReplyDelete
  100. That graph is arranged all wrong and counter-intuitively. I thought this was his forte?

    ReplyDelete
  101. Gosh dang it to heck Randall, that was one lame not-even-a-graph-comic.

    ReplyDelete
  102. @XKCD 870:

    If you integrate the amount you spend over all possible amounts you could save, you find that the average amount you spend is equal to half the total amount you could save. What does this mean? Money, Math, Science, Graphs! Its XKCD!

    ReplyDelete
  103. Reboot does a Redux countdown: 26

    ReplyDelete
  104. Aww, sam patch is using a phrase he doesn't understand

    hint: this blog is not instituting an ad hominem fallacy anywhere. Jesus lord protector of all that is good and holy, save me from stupid people who don't understand what an ad hominem is (hint: this sentence iss not an ad hominem either, you stupid cuntfaggot)

    ReplyDelete
  105. Sorry, Ves, but I'd rather listen to a professional's opinion.

    ReplyDelete
  106. No shit sherlock? Rob's reviews are not saying "Randall is a man-baby obsessed with lactation, therefore his comic sucks". Rob's reviews are saying "Randall is a man-baby obsessed with lactation". Commentors who actually critique randall's comic do not say "this comic sucks because randall is a man-baby obsessed with lactation", they say things like "this comic sucks because Randall's art does a terrible job of providing context" (as an example).

    TL;DR, you just provided a link that promptly fisted you in the asshole with a table lamp. Nicely done.

    ReplyDelete
  107. Come one Ves, you have to admit that Wikipedia is a professional. I mean, just look at that snazzy logo it's got going on!

    ReplyDelete
  108. If Wikipedia is professional enough for Randall Monroe, then it's professional enough for all of his arm chair intellectual sycophant fans.

    And that's good enough for me.

    ReplyDelete
  109. I love you guys.

    ReplyDelete
  110. My only problem with this comic: I cannot withdraw pi% of my deposits from the bank, Randall. Do you actually use money, or are you one of those "young" and "hip" perpetual plastic-users?

    ReplyDelete
  111. Money is irrelevant. In the future everything will be paid for with cheese machines.

    ReplyDelete
  112. And then, truly, the cheese makers will be blessed.

    ReplyDelete