He has thrown the SUMMER OF MADNESS of of its kilter, and I am at a loss for what to do. I will keep you informed of the state of this emergency as events unfold. Probably I will cry on my own for a long time.
pray for this blog.
UPDATE - 8/5/09 - 10:25 PM - Oh thank goodness. A kindly e-mailer has written in with a guest-post to save the day. I am so grateful that I have not bothered to read it; I trust it is excellent in each and every way. Ladies and Gentleman, please give a huge amount of grateful applause to a man calling himself "Billiam Monty Hughes"...
why does that name sound so...familiar? well, whatever. Let's just ctrl-v this thing right up and go back to my expensive wine induced nap in my gold-encrusted terrarium.
Title: My name is Billiam, king of kings: Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!
Greetings, one and all.
I recommend you cherish this moment, humble reader, as never before has this brutal blag had the privilege to display an expansive opinion from my own unique vantage point. Unlike all past reviewers before me (Carl Wheeler, Roberto, James etc.), I did not score a 7 on my Intelligence Quotient test (I actually achieved an exceptional 224 (übergenius level), for your information). Secondly, I am not a delusional, envious moron like most of this blag's fan-base. You see, you do NOT truly hate "Xkcd". It is impossible to dislike, or even be apathetic towards. It is a paragon of perfection. You are tricking yourself. You are simply JEALOUS of "Xkcd", so you attempt to find faults even though none exist. This is also why many also "hate" Control Alternate Delete, the second best web-comic of all time ("Xkcd" defeats it, obviously). I pity you, I do. Poor, poor, Carl...
Perhaps you would enjoy some exposition on my past and lineage? I go by many aliases, but most refer to me as Billiam, for I am BILLIAM MONTY HUGHES. My surname (Hughes) is a prestigious mantle, passed down through the generations, father to son, son to son, and finally to me. I will hopefully later pass it down for MY son (possibly also the child of the lovely Sophie Devrient? CONTACT ME PLEASE!!!). My forefathers were all men of intellect, bravery and strength. I have not disappointed them. Their very thoughts altered history and they fought valiantly for YOUR freedom. The freedom you are now ABUSING to be a COMPLETE AND UTTER whale penis to a person who just happens to illustrate images that are superior than your own. It is pathetic and I cannot tolerate your repulsive behaviour.
I appreciate and enjoy "Xkcd" as it is (perhaps you should too):
It is a flawless, constantly-updating classic of entertainment created by an extremely talented and intelligent man (Randall Patrick Munroe) that shall stand the test of time, unfaltered. Randall Munroe obviously invests a large amount of (well-earned) time in the construction of his miniature masterpieces. Centuries into the future, children, tweenagers and teenagers shall learn of "Xkcd" in classrooms, remaining relevant for all eternity. That is, if Wheeler's minions fail in their objectives (to defile the respectable name of "Xkcd", preventing it from gaining the readers it deserves and transforming Munroe into a shell of his former self). I CANNOT, SHALL NOT and MUST NOT let this occur.
This is war. An E-War, but a war nonetheless. As barbaric as any other. It is hoped that this battle can end without casualties, and that both sides can reconcile with each other and live harmoniously in unison. But I am no fool. This "dream" is naivety of the highest order. This is not a joke. I am prepared to fight many battles for my cause (the forces of good), like my fathers before me (WW2, that other one etc.). Amidst the aura of combat, my mercy depletes exponentially, and my code does not forbid me the right to murder VERMIN (what all "Xkcd" "haters" truly are).
DO. NOT. "FUCK". WITH. ME. PLEASE. THANKS. IN. ADVANCE.
The detractors of "Xkcd" are one faction in this war, led by Carl "Ugly" Wheeler (essentially an amalgam of Adolf Hitler (Former leader of the German Nationalist Socialist Party) and Lex Luthor (fictional BALD villain)), Malethoth (MORE LIKE FEMALETHOTH) the Mad, Roberto (SPIC SPIC SPIC) and James (Possibly a homosexual?) and populated by the "common" people. Their aim is to cripple "Xkcd", alienate its few fans and MURDER its esteemed creator, Randall P. Munroe. The reason as to their violent, unfathomable, primitive hatred? Jealousy. Why can't you understand that nigh-perfection is still an admirable goal...
The other faction is the altruistic defenders of "Xkcd". Led by Randall Munroe, William Monty Hughes and I. Belial and Sophie-Devrient play a significant role in the defense of good. We did not initiate the fight, nor do we wish it to continue, but we must uphold peace by enforcing war. I wish this was not the case, but we must defend what is right... By stopping what is wrong.
If you do not cease your petty squabbles, the result of this war shall impact the entirety of the internet. The war-ground shall grow in size and in brutality, eventually all will take a side. If this comes to pass, I hope they shall choose the just one (mine).
-Billiam Monty Hughes, Son of Gary
"Cogito Ergo Sum"
What is war good for? Absolutely. Nothing.
Remember. You have been warned of the hazardous implications of your purely immoral actions. You shall not be spared.
Oh my, a slight tangent. I must now return to my review of "Xkcd".
Here is a list of my top six hundred and eighteen favourite "Xkcd"'s, in numerical order:
If you can read this review, in the exact form I intended, then my plot has succeeded. The chances of this review being posted on "Xkcdsucks" free of modification is... Astronomical. There are literally googolplexes of imperfect alternate realities parallel to our own where Carl "Ugly" Wheeler did NOT post this review. Where fascism rules supreme.
This world, is not one of them. Fortunately. Fate (and my own considerable literary talent) have blinded Wheeler and he has been tricked like the drunkard oaf that he is.
Incidentally, today's "Xkcd" was HILARIOUS, like all those before it and all after. As a Linux user (which grants me not only familiarity with the theme of the comic, but also additional significance to my opinion) and an intellectual, I deem it... "funny". Anyone who cannot appreciate the unadulterated "awesome" that is this specific comic is obviously too idiotic to perceive it. And, as most know, idiots do not have valid opinions. They shall be ignored, as they should be.
Great thanks to Billium again for sending me this in my hour of need. I trust that it is complete; if there is any element to the review left unsaid please fill it in yourself in the comments. Now - to the terrarium!