Saturday, May 28, 2011

Comic 904: You Fellate Me And I'll Pander To You, CUDDLEFIIIIIIIIISH

[Hated raven "Ravenzomg" sent this guest review, which is utter shit. -Ed.]

Hello everyone, this is Ravenzomg of Ravenzomg fame here to review XKCD number 904!

Title: Sports

Tooltip: Also, all financial analysis. And, more directly, D&D.

To which I reply

also all reviews written by Rob, but whatcha gonna do

For those pedants among you, the post-punchline dialogue is the comment that it's "all xkcd comics" because we saw that one coming a mile away.

This comic is a 2.36 on the Ravenzomg Scale of Wordiness™

64 comments:

  1. There have been a lot of really really awful XKCD comics lately, but this one just boggles the fucking mind.

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  2. Perhaps you need a virgin mind to understand it.

    captcha: aperrif. The alcoholic's preprandial.

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  3. I just genuinely don't understand the point the original comic is trying to make. I mean yes, sports do generate numbers which, if viewed completely in isolation, could be considered "random" but, umm ... so do most things.

    Hell you could make a decent argument that an alternative caption to this comic could be "The Scientific Method".

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  4. If we take it that sports commentators primarily discuss what they view players do on the field (there is actually more than this but it's only added to this visual and aural stimulus; the statistics and off-field stuff like injury time and sport politics do not replace it), then the entirety of reality is reduced to a string of discrete numbers.

    Which is fucked over by quantum.

    Fuck you, Randy.

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  5. Great. Now whenever I point out what huge fucking nerds sports fans are, they're gonna think I got the idea from this comic.

    Seriously, if you're the kind of douchebag who tells other people they aren't real (team name) fans because they don't know the (player)'s (statistic) and jersey number off the top of their heads, not only are you a huge fucking nerd, you're also an idiot.

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  6. I'm a virgin and I don't get it either!

    I think Randall's logic is beyond the understanding of mankind itself

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  7. Come the singularity these will all make sense

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  8. ARGH STUPID SPORTS JOCKS I AM SO MUCH SMARTER THAN THEM

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  9. UndercoverCuddlefishMay 29, 2011 at 10:42 AM

    i find sports commentary endlessly entertaining because it is basically just some guys making up inane stories to fill the void caused by all of the fucking downtime in these godawful boring games

    unfortunately the entertainment value is dampened quite heavily by the fact that the games are in fact so boring

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  10. Does the Ravenzomg scale of wordiness take into account the amount of "ink" used for words in comparison to drawings, or just the amount of space they respectively take up?

    The former allows you to give an idea of how Randall's art is basically the same as his writing; a series of scribbly lines, lacking substance. The words would almost invariably take up more "ink" than the illustrations.

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  11. The Tequila BanditMay 29, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    Check it out dudes sport sucks so much.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIUQw1w5OqM

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  12. Nggh.

    I was just over on a politics site where one of the writers posted this comic - without commentary, mind you - and nothing else. It was just an open thread with Randall's latest magnum dopus at the top.

    This is the Internet.

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  13. ThePirateKing: It's a measure of words per (10) kilopixels. We all know Randall's a hack, so I figured I'd pick a specific KIND of cop-out to measure.

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  14. goth girls goth girls they're the girls that go

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  15. bad boys bad boys whatcha gonna

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  16. 905: what the fuck? this is like that fucking bacon comic, or the fucking "we can make BABIES!" comic. augh.

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  17. GOOMHR! I once started randomly drilling holes in my house until it collapsed!

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  18. I know what xkcd need now! A laugh track!

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  19. "I know what xkcd need now! A laugh track! "

    Here you go.

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  20. @4:13 To see the nerdcore rapper with the geeked-out flow.

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  21. @Anonymous 9:41

    No, it's Lease again. The standard model for xkcd now is to replay older strips but make them worse in the process.

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  22. We all know he meant to say glory hole.

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  23. Would somebody please see how much space they can use up with their post? I would like to see that.

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  24. @Anonymous 11:45

    You'll notice that he mentions the ball pit in the alt text. He's used this theme of "I'm a giant manchild who doesn't understand that my actions have consequences" a few times now.

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  25. 905 is so fucking horrible, if this unbelievable shit gets any goomh's i'm gonna power drill some holes of my own
    (captcha: ovelows???)

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  26. And we have a winner, Anon 2:35!

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  27. @Ravenzomg

    Actually that would be a myriapixel. 10 kilometres is a myriametre. 10 kilobytes is a myriabyte and 10000 pixels is a myriapixel.

    See here.

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  28. Goatkcd is particularly fantastic today.

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  29. I think I managed to make XKCD#905 even worse. at least two times in three (I stand by the statement that the first modification makes it infinitely better).

    @John Levi, thank you for linking me to something self-labelled "disallowed and obsolete". Truly you are a king among geeks.

    Captcha: corba. Like the snake, but dealdier

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  30. The last 3 goatkcds have been pretty hilarious. I swear goatkcd is funnier more often than not nowadays.

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  31. At least a weighted random number generator produces substance around which narratives may be built.
    That is more than I can say for this critique and subsequent comment string.

    Sheesh!
    If you needed to know how to silence me, this is a sure way to do it.

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  32. #905 is much improved by leaving the state of Rany's house and what caused it to the (much better) imagination of the reader... Here's a fixed version.

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  33. I think 905 deserves some kind of award for having the longest, most unnecessary, most destructive and intelligence-underestimating post-punchline dialogue EVER. What's worse, I think the joke could have actually worked. It's definitive: Randall doesn't know how to write.

    But, say what you will, today's comic STILL doesn't have a line of dialogue as stilted and unnatural as "I don't know what you just said because I was thinking about Batman".

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  34. GOOMHR I...

    oh wait, I haven't become wealthy enough through selling t-shirts online to afford a house of my own yet

    back to studying

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  35. Get out of my house, Randall.

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  36. GOOMHR, I drill holes in my walls to stick my dick in too!

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  37. Presumably you use a Spade Bit rather than a Trepan Bit - yes?

    Innit?

    BP tells me a Trepan bit works well if you need to root out the Pox.

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  38. BP tells me it's time to switch to solar power. And you, ALTF, are in the dark.

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  39. So BP is your imaginary friend too?
    He's such a profligate roué!

    I am indeed in the dark - I'm always the last to know.
    The sun fuses 584,000,000 tonnes of hydrogen into helium every second through nuclear reactions. And 99% of this nuclear energy output is wasted! The sun's just pissin' away a non-renewable resource for no good reason whatsoever. If the sun made more effective use of solar panels it could do without nuclear power altogether.

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  40. Pfft. I think Randall meant to say glory hole. Because that's the kind of shit he's into.

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  41. The Helium produced is inert so it's basically useless crap and the waste heat is believed to affect the Earth's climate.

    Hardly a noble enterprise.

    Innit?

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  42. does anyone have a way of blocking altf? i don't know anything about code

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  43. @ R.

    You do not need to know anything about code my friend. Delete all the files on your computer that contain the phrase: "System 32".
    This will remove me from your sight forever.

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  44. hurr hurr hurr

    do you see the urgency

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  45. Well, it appears the Rapture actually happened last Saturday, but it was a pretty low-key event. Only three people were in a sufficient state of grace and they haven't been missed yet. We've now got a thousand years of plague, famine, and war to which to look forward. So we don't have to learn anything new at least.

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  46. It's your lucky day.

    Create a new bookmark, and as the 'location' paste this in.

    javascript:z='Aquarians%20Love%20To%20Fuck';a=document.getElementsByTagName('a');b=a.length;for(c=0;c<b;c++){d=a[c];if(d.innerHTML==z){d.parentNode.style.display='none';d.parentNode.nextSibling.nextSibling.style.display='none';d.parentNode.nextSibling.nextSibling.nextSibling.nextSibling.style.display='none';}%20}void(0);

    After the page is loaded, click the bookmark and voila, no ALTF no more

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  47. You might want to delete the '%20' near the end, don't know how that got in there

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  48. i will try that later thanks

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  49. Do you guys really find ALTF that annoying? At least she posts semi-interesting shit, unlike most of you cretins.

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  50. anon why do you have to say such hurtful things
    what have i ever done to you :(


    seriously depressed now. i hope you're happy

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  51. @1:49 Your post tells me nothing except that you don't know what "interesting" means. Do you enjoy xkcd?

    captcha: grayi. grayeru!

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  52. Semi-interesting shit?

    My dross is banal at best.

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  53. Wow...first off, this post really failed to capture the general fallaciousness of the comic.

    Second, pretty much everyone posting in the comments is channeling all their dislike of sports into misguided, ignorant assessments of something they don't understand. Guess what? That's *exactly* what Randall did. Congrats. You are now Randall Munroe.

    Sports commentary can actually be fairly insightful. A meaningful criticism would be to say that sports statistics are poorly used in areas of prediction. Unfortunately, nobody here seems to know anything about sports.

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  54. I can't be bothered to do the count, but I'm pretty sure more people are talking about poking their dicks through holes in the wall than channeling their dislike of sports.

    It's like you didn't read the comments at all.

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  55. @2:35 Is that really the correct protocol to begin a comparison of Sports Penis Size?

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  56. Oh hey check this out, shitheads, fat people, and R.:

    Cracked.com has an article that (unintentionally) rips into the douchenerds on the xkcd forums!

    From the article (which, by the way, is called "the 5 saddest things people do to look smart"):

    "If there's someone who's anxiously pushing the conversation toward "intellectual" subjects all the time and seems disgusted at talking about the trivialities of common life, they're less likely to be a brilliant thinker who is beyond childish thoughts and more likely to be someone insecure about their image.
    Even more off base are people who notice that smart people tend to be nerdy, and nerdy people tend to like sci-fi and fantasy, and thus play up their love of Star Trek or Joss Whedon or whatever, hoping some of the nerd vibe will rub off on them and add a vague sense of smartness to their image, as if that works.
    "

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  57. I read that article earlier today and had a good trolololo xkcdsucks over it. Maybe the author is an xkcdsucks regular.

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  58. Oh awesome. Another comic that AdBlocker blocks because he has "advertise" in the title. You would have thought that he'd learned the first time but NOOOOOOO.
    Who believes Wikipedia anyhow--oh wait, Randy does.

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  59. @2:35
    Actually, sports commentary is awful at predictions. According to the statistics, you'd have a better chance of picking the winning team by flipping a coin.

    Sports commentary exists for extremely dull people who really have nothing to do except dabble in sports, so if there's no football game on, they watch commentary and fantasize about past or future games.

    Captcha: uncopt -- the state of a town that's had all its policemen killed

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