Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Comic 894: I Want To Be The Very Best, Like No One Ever Was

progeny

[Comic title: Progeny; alt text: I tell my children 'it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.' I'm trying to take the edge off their competitive drive to ensure that I can always beat them.]

Randy has been doing more research on lactation, and it turns out that only pregnant females lactate under normal circumstances. This, in turn, has caused him to begin fantasizing about having children--not just because he wants his daughters to turn out to be sexy porn stars, but because getting Megan pregnant is the easiest way to have access to her delicious, delicious milk.

We have mentioned before that Randy lives a rich fantasy life, so this fantasy quickly went from not just having a child (his sexy porn star daughter is now a regular staple of his masturbation fantasies), but to having children. Can you imagine how glorious it would be to have Megan perpetually lactating? She could pop out dozens of kids and all that delicious milk would be Randy's, forever and ever. Yeah.

Yeeeeah.

Of course, even Randy can achieve orgasm sometimes, and when that happens his thoughts turn to how he can abuse his fantasy children. This time around he's decided to take the straightforward route, and ensure that he can consistently beat them. And Megan's there, milk flowing from her exposed nipples, saying, "You can teach them whatever you want, Randy, because you're awesome and I love you."

61 comments:

  1. For some reason a Pokemon reference is something I'd definitely not expect from Rob, let alone a Pokemon anime reference.

    Oh, and the post is just Megdall fanfic. Because that's ALL Rob ever writes, everyone knows that. :P

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  2. How facetious. You know, you don't have to read it if you don't want to. Do us all a favour.

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  3. and miss out on all these insights into the milky mind of Mr. Munroe?

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  4. if only randall had half the joie de vivre of his critics

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  5. unamused entirelyMay 4, 2011 at 9:03 PM

    that came completely out of left field, but the scary thing is that it all *fits* man! like, have you ever looked at the back of the turtle declaration of independence? just total chill Cheloniidae. even their name is f*ckin chill. woah.


    That is to say, both the comic and the review were almost certainly the frantic last-minute half-assed creation of a very stoned very fat internet personality that is equally certainly the same human being.

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  6. why do people think I do things at the last minute? I've been known to write reviews like four days late and not even apologize for it. this one came out on the right day even.

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  7. xkcd and xkcd sucks were better when Carl was Randall. Rob is sucky at being Crandall.

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  8. call me a conspiracy theorist, but we may be close to "Peak Suck", in which xkcdsucks begins to suck more than xkcd. Both sites collapse into a single "suckularity", leaving us with a specimen of mediocrity so banal that it causes lactation in obese men.

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  9. Which was Robdall's plan all along!!

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  10. Floating heads? Check
    Shitty dialog? Check.
    Hands dangerously close to crotch? Check.
    Megan without a shirt? Fuck, yes.

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  11. This is getting worse than xkcd ever was.

    Seriously, the Megan thing? The last comic that used that name was http://xkcd.com/746/. That was 148 comics ago, or NEARLY AN ENTIRE YEAR!!!! What the hell, get something new to mock. It just proves your own lack of creativity that after a year you're still desperately clinging to a scrap of mockable content. The milk comic? That was http://xkcd.com/858/, 36 comics ago, or THREE FUCKING MONTHS!!!! I understand that you enjoy personally attacking an individual for making a comic you used to like but now dislike, but at least get some new material.

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  12. Jon Levi's version is a substantial improvement.

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  13. f1r3flie's own originality, of course, comes from poor spelling and the use of numbers as letters, rather than from a cult TV series.

    Which, by the way, was 8 years ago.

    Captcha: Indises. Even Captcha has 'original' approaches!

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  14. I'm always afraid the Megan jokes will fall flat (which is why I don't do them much anymore), but you people always make it all worthwhile. I love you all.

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  15. I'm usually on the 'no Megan jokes' side of things (though not retarded enough to vocalise that), but for this one it seems quite appropriate. For one there's fuck all else to work with, and then the whole "I tell my children" creepiness.

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  16. Self-pity at sense of inadequacy, leading to:
    - Dismissing women.
    - Beating his meat.
    - Hoodwinking his children.
    - Beating his children.
    Children don't even exist.

    It is clear why Randall is so popular: failed geeks come for the science references but stay for the fantasy, the misogyny, the paedophobia and the self-abuse.

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  17. 'Can you imagine how glorious it would be to have Megan perpetually lactating?'

    No. I wish i could though...

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  18. It is sad when there is so much to mock and criticize in a comic, and all you can come up with are Megan jokes that don't even really relate.

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  19. He's right. I came to this blog to hear you criticize the comic, not bring up more dumb megan jokes. If you have lost all ability to critique, besides doing "yo mamma" jokes, then you should just give up.

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  20. That review was more weird than the usual

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  21. Critiquing is for the comments

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  22. you know rob, you might be thinking a liiiiiiitle too much about randall's sexual fantasies

    just sayin'

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  23. I'm with "peak suck". I used to come here when xkcd sucked to laugh along with xkcdsucks about how much xkcd sucked, but now I come to witness the trainwreck of xkcdsucks sucking more than xkcd ever sucked. It makes me wish xkcdsuckssux were still active.

    Also, I find Rob's "hee-hee, I done trolled you with my sucky writing" really obnoxious. (An opinion others have also given, to which he invariably responds with "hee-hee, I done trolled you with my sucky trolling".) Personally, I think he's smart enough to know for himself when he sucks, and the joke is thus ultimately on him.

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  24. All of the above Anons = samefag.

    I liked this review.

    xkcd is boring as fuck, and criticisms of it get that way too. So you have to mix it up a bit.

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  25. rob, you're such a fucking hack. get new material.

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  26. I actually prefer Rob's posts to the guest ones. Sure the guest reviews are 'better' but reading critism of a comic thats not only bad but DULL is really boring no matter how good the critique is.

    At least this makes me horny.

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  27. samefag is an awful word

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  28. I'm going to start obnoxiously telling everyone about this site, and particular reviews, to the point that people will no longer be able to say, "at least XKCDsucks isn't shoved in your face."

    Although, as a frequent guest poster, that's just shameless vanity probably.

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  29. I like the variety of critiques. It keeps things interesting.

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  30. Well this is boring, in an interesting kind of way. What does this mean? It means that Randall has finally written a comic that his fans have nothing to say about.

    For those who want proof, I counted how many of the thread's 78 posts were actually about the comic: 8. One sentence sums it up: "Not really funny, kinda made me think a bit though."

    The first five of them were made within 10 minutes of the thread going up. These are the super-fans, who try to say something inciteful against all odds! Then brickman comes in with "Thanks to so much sci-fi that treats robots as shiny people..." and we are mercifully sidetracked into a roller-coaster intellectual discussion about artificial intelligence and consciousness.

    Most of the posts here are by new users. Remember when I said this was a good thing? Well I've thought of a reason why. I would like to believe that they aren't xkcd fans at all, and are just there for the armchair-intellectualism.

    Case and point: Brickman is a user with 12 posts. 8 of them were on that thread. He states in the intro thread that he is there for the "very high probabilities of discussions worth having stemming from any given xkcd strip". Not your typical xkcd loyalist.

    A more extreme example is Samik, who posted 31 times on that thread, quite impressive for a user with only 58 posts. I counted the number of words he posted on that thread, and it's over 5000. *Sigh*, would have liked to go for an over 9000 reference there. If I included the words he posted on the thread for 893, it probably would be.

    I for one welcome this new breed of xkcd fan. They don't argue with the haters, they don't circle-jerk around nerd-culture references, and it's been a while since someone said GOOMH.

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  31. You can train a mouse to avoid stepping on a small plate if you electrify it every time they step on it. The mouse will quickly learn that if it moves off of the plate the pain will stop, and it will avoid stepping onto the plate into the future.

    Anonymous commenters still have not realized that the megan jokes will end when they stop being such whiny little shits about it, because xkcdsucks is no longer about reviewing xkcd (a more appropriate name would be "Rob Mason trolls people from an old blogspot account").

    Moral of the story: Anonymice are dumber than actual mice.

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  32. I think my favorite part about the complaints in the Megan posts is they act like it's the only thing I've written in recent memory. This is the first post which is actually about Megan since March 6th. Most of my posts (and I'm discounting the guest posters here) have been critiques of the comic, with an obligatory Megan joke thrown in from time to time. If you're going to complain, you might want to start having a memory longer than fifteen seconds.

    The fact is, of course, that for every faceless cuddlefish who complains about Megan jokes, there's an active and useful member of the community who finds them amusing. They're fun to write, they amuse people, and, best of all, they attract these completely insane commenters who somehow think that complaining about them is going to somehow change my behavior. It's dumb enough that I genuinely believe that the bulk of them are actually just trying to get me to write more Megan jokes in the future. The alternative is just too stupid.

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  33. Randall fans and Rob fans are slowly becoming the same; they're both defending/justifying shit.

    Rob's posts make me appreciate guest posts more, so that's something.

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  34. F.A.S.T. Ain't a Scav Team

    And it must be said that Mama Shaq, Mama Shaq, Shaq's your mom, that's a fact

    http://people.cs.uchicago.edu/~zz1/FAST/

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  35. you just hate women, you wouldn't be complaining if it were a male bodily function like pooping

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  36. People still come here for critiques? What the fuck?

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  37. Do you think Randall would be a bad physics teacher, or the worst physics teacher?

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  38. I'm not sure if I want to guest review 895 or not.

    At any rate, the important thing is that today's comic seems to be sending the complete opposite message of 803. Also, the kid in the second panel TOTALLY has an "I'm a douchebag" posture going on. I hate him already.

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  39. JustScott, I think you are quite wrong. While no one can discount the predilection of the populous at large to idolize certain people, "leaders," if you will, Rob provides a real service.

    Some people, myself included, find it cathartic to denigrate xkcd. It's good to see it get shit on, and sometimes it's even better when it's an ugly, dirty shit.

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  40. Is it just me, or does the board in the first panel look like it's got a picture of cleavage on it?

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  41. 895: In this strip, Randall is pointing out that analogies aren't perfect. While normally it's OK as a geek to be a pedantic ass about this, doing this becomes unacceptable if the person you're being a pedantic ass to is a scientist.

    Addendum: The reader with a good memory will recall from the very last comic that teaching is pointless, but the scientist role overrides the teacher role for the purposes of Randall's contorted argument.

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  42. The board in the first panel obviously shows a picture made by the camera Randall has installed over Megan's toilet.

    And I don't really see the problem with that analogy. It's most certainly not an approximation of any kind, just because it needs a downwards pull in order to work properly. That student is smug AND stupid, while the teacher doesn't understand his own analogy well enough to ridicule the student.

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  43. Banging on about Megan like this is worse than anything xkcd ever has or ever will dish out.

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  44. Me? Gone. Me gone Megan.
    Meg an' Megan.
    Mmm? E.g. An Megan.
    Meh! Gah! 'n' Megan.

    Megan.

    (Randall really sounds like this. It's like parodying GWB without saying 9... 11... 9/11... over and over. Sometimes you've just got to brush away the foliage to reveal the yawning pit below it.)

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  45. Rob thinks about Megan at least five times as often as Randall does.

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  46. @1:41

    The reader who isn't a total moron will have grasped that the male in the previous comic was intended as a figure for ridicule.

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  47. Clearly when Randall refers to his children, he is actually referring to all the cuddlefish. He thinks he's superior to them and they will lap up anything he says to them, for he is a GOD!!!

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  48. Forums: "Although it has been said before, about how Randall channels our lives into comics as he writes them, but this is uncanny."
    Arrrrrrgh

    Is this where we see Randall turn against his pedantic fans and reveal it was a trick all along?

    Captcha: "Leastsa" the losing pizza

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  49. GOOMH, I hate the rubber sheet analogy too! OMG, this is craazy! LOL, using gravity to explain gravity! hahahhaa. YET I HAVE NO OTHER SUITABLE ANALOGY. RANDALL, TELL ME WHAT TO BELIEVE.

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  50. "895: In this strip, Randall is pointing out that analogies aren't perfect. While normally it's OK as a geek to be a pedantic ass about this, doing this becomes unacceptable if the person you're being a pedantic ass to is a scientist."

    I made this point in the comic thread over at the Alternate Universe. Just giving credit where it's due, kthx.

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  51. "why do people think I do things at the last minute?"

    There's no such thing as last minute when you don't have a deadline.

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  52. I like the posts in the forum which proudly boast about having always had problems with the analogy. Are they unaware that the comic was mocking them, or are they simply so steeped in their errant arrogance that they know their mindset is the right one regardless of what their overlord Randall says? I want to make an account to ask them.

    I think the answer will be that they aren't the person in the comic because they relish being tossed into the deep end before being taught to swim, so I probably won't bother with them. There'll be no convincing them that they would never have developed any interest in science if such had been their life experience.

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  53. Cheap, really fucking obscene jokes are cheap, really fucking obscene jokes.

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  54. Rob, I don't get how liking your Megan jokes makes one an "active and useful commenter".

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  55. and I don't know who the fuck you are, so I care about your opinion only slightly less than I care what the weather is like in Dubai today

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