Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Comics Whatever-Who Cares: Guest Review!

[Today's review comes from "Capn." I don't know if it's the real Capn or what, but I also don't care. So here it is, without further ado. -Ed.]

rob2

140 comments:

  1. chick-fil-a 2012

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  2. Greatest review ever

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  3. Copyright infringement! I'm suing you all.

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    Replies
    1. Don't oppress me, I'm transkitten because of our shipping.

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    2. I'll trans you so hard you'll cis out your ass.

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    3. 'Tis me, dear ALTF. Capn has committed the most contemptible of crimes by purloining my pulchritudinous picture of our perfect pioneer, and must be made to make amends.

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    4. What'd I tell ya, just some raving retarded reject ranting ridiculous requisitions.

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    5. Your blackguardery knows no bounds.

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    6. First 'p' alliteration and then 'r'?
      I am gobsmacked!
      Dumbfounded!
      Flabbergasted!
      Astounded!

      Howya been?
      How's the London traffic of late?
      I see your Ms. Radcliffe won't be defecating by the roadside these Olympics.
      Pity that.

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    7. I wonder, your Lordship, if you would be so kind as to relinquish from your Lordly tenure that Proustian Blogspot address you pilfered from me, your ever abiding servant, lo those many months ago.
      I've a Butt(1) of cunting remembrances just waiting for a home.

      (1) That's 2 Hogsheads worth, or 4 Coombs, by the way.

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    8. Ah, so it were Capn and Kitten who gave you the attention that persuaded you to stay.

      wankitty wank wank

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    9. Yes!
      And the Capn and Lord Kitten are doppelgängers of each other, doncha know. By this I intend the original German meaning for the word - "double goer".
      I mean, let's face it, the two of them are real goers!

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    10. london is kind of deserted right now. we've had six months of being told 'please fuck off, we need the tubes for the tourists' so everyone's buggered off on holiday or locked themselves in their house. i work next to a games venue and it's easier to get to work than usual.

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    11. weaselsoup, I can probably see you from my window.

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    12. You have non-translucent windows in Blighty?
      How do you protect yourselves from the omnipresent CCTV?
      Or Boris?

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    13. Speaking personally, an extended family troglodyte works in the police CCTV monitoring station room fuck thing for this neck of the woods, so as long as I don't do anything to put shame on the family, I'm pretty much off the hook.

      As for everyone else... well, this is London, and no-one cares about anyone else.

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    14. How does one, exactly, put shame on a British family?
      I should think that an impossibility.
      You are British, right?

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    15. Only on one side. There's 'arf (I learn) a Spaniard in me.

      Otherwise I would accept your argument.

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    16. anon, you probably can, for my fatness puts even rob's to shame.

      boris suspended on that wire was our gift to the world. you are welcome

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    17. "my fatness puts even rob's to shame."

      Heresy!

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  4. LOL BAD DRAWINGS AND IN-JOKES LOL

    this is worse than xkcd

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    Replies
    1. So... it has come to this.

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    2. people still read that comic? I thought it got sold off with the rest of Digg.

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    3. Yup, still earning a man's living. Scary, huh?

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  5. How do you get so fat on gov'ment welfare, Rob?

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  6. Hi everyone it's Rob,

    Well - we've come a long way haven't we! From a grassroots hate site to a full-blown community. I feel like I know each and every one of you so deeply and intimately, and I know you feel that deep feeling too. Which is why it's hard - so very hard - for me to say these next words.

    I no longer have the time, stamina or physical endurance to fully operate this site to the best of my capacity. Lately I'm sure you've been feeling unloved and unsatisfied. Well, me too. I don't know why - these things happen - but the rage that erected this site and kept its flag flying high and proud has been spent.

    So instead of beating this dead horse, I have decided to step down from my capacity as the head, the helm, the captain if you will, of xkcdsucks. We've sucked long and hard enough, and we should be proud of our efforts.

    I know I am.

    Fattly yours,
    Rob

    ps. Also somebody tell that ALTF cunt she's a crap lay and a lousy squirter.

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    Replies
    1. jk jk i will quit this blog when someone pries it from my cold, dead, enormously fat hands

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    2. Far be it from me to derail this faggot love-in, but squirting = peeing. No exceptions. And I'm not saying that peeing isn't hot, but all these closet watersports fetishists who were told by mom that "pee is dirty" need to get over it.

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    3. Rob said,

      ".....when someone pries it from...."

      Why 'pries' and not 'prise'?
      Charlton would prefer the latter.

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    4. that would have to be prises

      I read somewhere that they had scientifically discovered that squirting was not peeing. but lord knows I am not an expert

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    5. Anonymous August 2, 2012 3:39 AM ejaculated,

      ".....Far be it from me to derail this faggot love-in, but squirting = peeing. No exceptions....."

      You have been misinformed.

      And speaking of faggots, if you don't just adore unicorns, you are one.

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    6. The great thing about mentioning squirting is all ladies will chime in to give their opinion.

      It's like when a woman says something about dick size and suddenly half the world's an expert.

      Publish or perish, as they say.

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    7. That site is so inane Capn. Do you not think you deserve better?

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    8. Maybe you should start a hate blog about it if you hate it so much.

      Innit?

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    9. I do not hate the most inanely inane inanity I've ever experienced simply because I deserve no better.
      You, however, deserve better.

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  7. I just want to say - I have been writing down my story as accurately as I can, with as little embellishment as possible. I have not tried to make myself ten feet tall or Rambo, because I wasn't. I was scared to death, ill prepared, rather foolish and largely incapable of knowing what was the best course of action to take during the riots. Nowadays, I would have evacuated Los Angeles within an hour of them breaking out or else taken refuge somewhere. Your basic dumb security guard at $14.00 an hour.

    Just wanted to say that before I tell you how I could not even execute a citizen's arrest correctly with a gun leveled on somebody because I could not stop dry retching.

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  8. LOL. Taking a joke like a bauss.

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  9. is rob really that fat? i've heard rumors that he's actually quite slender

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  10. My tutor's father just happened to be sailing/motoring his Whitby 42 Aft cockpit on the Hudson River, avoiding various ditching aircraft piloted by folks named Sullenberger, 12 kilometres north of Battery Park, 5 weeks into his Inland Waterway transit from Lake Ontario to the Atlantic and to the Bahamas, at 8:46 AM, New York time, September 11, 2001.

    Suffice it to say, he and his very dusty boat were trucked home to Owen Sound, Ontario, Canada three days later.

    My tutor will inherit this magnificent vessel shortly. Can I pick my men or what?

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    Replies
    1. That wasn't Sullenberger's first dive?

      Also they're no King's ransom. Short some more RIMM and you could have a fleet.

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    2. RIMM?
      So yesterday!
      The wily tutor is now day-trading bankrupt Eastman Kodak crap - EKDKQ.
      The garbage has more than doubled in the last week!
      Looking for that 'Kodak Moment' he is!

      It's keel was laid in 2000 and it has a built-in ice cream maker!
      And a new Penta Volvo diesel inboard.

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    3. Yes, Kodak is hilarious right now. Not so much research in motion as poetry.

      Also, when you parrot names of manly things like yachts, please don't do it in that *way* that reminds me of my mother when she's naming parts of a computer. You have made me think of many things in the past, ALTF, but this is the first time you have made me think of my mother.

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    4. but your mother's so hot

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    5. Dammit, ALTF. e.g. everyone else would say "Volvo Penta" but you or my mother would say "Penta Volvo".

      Also, Rob, true enough, but I still have 9 months up there on you. Good luck - she's not the vessel she once was.

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    6. You're right!
      Volvo Penta.
      I was merely parroting my tutor - or transposed the two words out of inattentive listening. Then again could he have been your mother's tutor as well? I mean the cunt did get around a fair bit in his sowing-of-wild-oats days.

      "....Also, Rob, true enough, but I still have 9 months up there on you. Good luck - she's not the vessel she once was....."

      Funny!
      Crude, but funny.

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    7. i just want to crawl up there and sleep forever

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    8. It's a highly acidic environment Rob, think of your complexion and delicate constitution for once!
      Your public presentation is important to us!

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    9. I wouldn't worry, he's fat enough to where I'd worry about the heat death of the universe before I worried about any acidic vaginal vessel to eat him through. Barring any dentata that is.

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    10. Vaginal vessels?
      Dentata?

      I thought we were talking about Puta Volvos?

      You're right to be concerned about universal heat death though.

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    11. Te tomamos todos por puta volvo, ALTF.

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    12. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    13. omg the scandal

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    14. Sorry about that.
      I violated my parole conditions with that comment. It had to go, or else a custodial sentence would await me.

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    15. Why would you not want a custodial sentence?

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    16. "It's keel was laid in 2000 and it has a built-in ice cream maker!"

      "It's" means "it is," you dumb shit.

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    17. Ain't I though!
      Dumb shit I mean.

      I got the ice cream maker part right!

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    18. It is impossible to understand ALTF without first having watched Educating Rita.

      (Pygmalion is not quite there. Eliza thought she was better than her tutor, but Rita merely poked fun at her former self.)

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    19. It is impossible to understand ALTF without first ingesting Ayahuasca.

      Though I do like Michael Caine.

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  11. I love you all so much.

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    Replies
    1. You can't see me, but I'm acting in all your best interests, I swear.

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    2. I am anonymous and what is this.

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    3. Y'all my bitches and you do what I want.

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  12. My uncle's a custodian

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  13. Replies
    1. lol, I understand this reference! GOOHM!

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    2. The proper appellation is GOOMHR.

      GOOMHURR.

      HURR.

      DURR.

      DRR... DRR... DRR...

      Derp.

      Also, I realize that I'm using "appellation" incorrectly there, so fuck you if you were going to point that out.

      (The correct usage, of course, is something like "I'm going to hike the Appellation Trail with Governor Mark Sanford tomorrow. Oh yeah, I'm gonna hike it good. Mmmm...")

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    3. "The proper appellation is GOOMHR."

      I stopped reading at that line to point out that you used "appellation" wrong, you stupid shit.

      Delete
  14. Is it strange to feel pleasure when mass murdering caterpillars? To feel such joy about their blood and guts on my hands? To squish them between my fingers and watch them go *pop*, again and again and again? To know that you have just killed not a few, not dozens but hundreds of the little VILE LEECHING FUCKING SCUM OF THE EARTH creatures and feel contented and at peace? FUCK THOSE LITTLE SHITS I HATE THEM I HATE HATRE HATE THATE HATE THEM. EATING MY PAINSTAKINGLY PLANTED VEGETABLES. MY POOR BROCCOLI AND CABBAGE WHICH YOU SHITS SIMPLY DECIDED TO MASSACRE AND DESTROY. WELL YOU FUCKERS, YOU HAD IT COMING EH? BET YOU DIDNT EXPECT MY MASTERFUL HANDS TO EXCEL AT CRUSHING THE LIFE OUT OF YOUR FRAGILE LITTLE BODIES, MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA VICTORY IS MINE! FUCK YOU CATERPILLARS!

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    Replies
    1. Yes. Yes, it is.

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    2. "....Is it strange to feel pleasure when mass murdering caterpillars? To feel such joy about their blood and guts on my hands?...."

      Caterpillars do not possess blood.

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  15. FUci you all. NOw I ma ybe drank right now, but kaboomista nwhy the fuck should i Care? This blog is full of oysters, oying at everything that dripsf rom Rob's pulchritudinous orifices. Wait, "pulcrhitudinious" means ;beautiful? WTF, it sounds like something you would use to describe a pussy (pus-sy, rihymes with fussy) infection. go On, say it. "Pultrichudinous". That should be a worx for the most bile-uinducing disugsting shit you've ever seen. And it's supposed ot be something good? Fuck that shit.\\Anyway, the point is that y''all are morans. 11Meme-spouting, limpdicket morons who wouldn't know good comics if they shat or your heads. Adn Alt_F is the worst. Fucka that cunt, she needs to chocke on an arsenic dick or somkething, and btw aresenic dick sounds like an awesome band name.

    P.S Don't afer the REAPERRR.

    pss seriousl though, can we please just shoot altf already.

    psss psss psss psss

    pssss I AM NOT A ROBOT GODDAMNIT

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  16. A Billet doux from that Fucking Aquarian

    1) The Internet is not real.

    2) Pay no attention to that deliberately innocuous girl behind the curtain.

    3) She posts drivel here with style and dignity, and, by all accounts, remains motivated by the same sense of noblesse oblige that has characterised her seedy life to date.

    4) "We must not let in daylight upon magic" - Walter Bagehot (Some Brithole from the 19th Century)

    5) One Fish. Two Fish. Red Fish. Clue Fish.

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    Replies
    1. Noblesse? Nobless, perhaps.

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    2. knobless, surely

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    3. Knobless Shirley

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  17. You've missed an opportunity to further quote Mr. Bagehot.
    Sheesh!
    Where's Kittens? He would have obliged.

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  18. Anonymous August 2, 2012 3:49 PM said,

    ".....Only on one side. There's 'arf (I learn) a Spaniard in me......."

    A very dear friend of mine, who incidentally is in dire need of even a less-than-sufficing shag, is very much interested in knowing the following:

    1) Are you a Scorpio?

    2) You admit to being 'arf Brithole. Would that be English, Scottish or Welsh? If you are actually a Non-Brithole Manxman, do not confess, she detests those freakish, tailless three-legged feckers!

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  19. Speaking of which...

    Men who do not make advances to women are apt to become victims to women who make advances to them. - Brithole

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    Replies
    1. Victims?
      Oh dear, yins is spawn of the Patriarchy.
      I suspect you believe women, because of their lower centre of gravity, are better suited for carrying groceries and laundry than men?

      Delete
    2. In the above link, my friend got 1st Place in the high school division with: "Using Prayer To Microevolve Latent Antibiotic Resistance In Bacteria"

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    3. Just delivering your Bagehot. Drink deep or taste not, &c.

      Delete
  20. This was the one for which I was looking:

    "The habit of common and continuous speech is a symptom of mental deficiency." - Walter Bagehot

    It has been used before to describe me. I have eliminated the 'common' aspect, mostly, and I'll working on the continuous bit tomorrow.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, it was a toss-up between that one and, "The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything."

      tl;dr "So few people who can write know anything."

      But I try not to give what's expected of me. After all:

      "The greatest mistake is trying to be more agreeable than you can be."

      Keep reaching for that rainbow!

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    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  21. Where can I go now this blog is dead?

    Of the recent characters, I shall in particular miss Eliza/Rita, the ever-determined Jon Levi, the weaselsoup tired of life but still hopeful in London, the nearly balanced Ann Apolis MD, the shy Ravenzomg, the unplaceable Fernie Canto, whichever Capn wasn't tediously obnoxious, all the ACs who engaged in regular conversation, and each special purpose persona (THE FINAL COUNTDOWN, Chris Houlihan etc.) except the Ron Paul one.

    You people all built this place, substituting for the effort Rob was too fat to ever make. So also, like Hirschbiegel himself, you directed the downfall.

    But it was worth it.

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    Replies
    1. no it wasn't

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    2. Rob, why must you insist on being so fat? I demand that you cease this foolishness immediately.

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    3. If only you ate as sparsely as you speak, sweet Rob

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    4. i am only terse so i have more time for eating

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    5. Rob my cock is rather fat would you gobble it up

      in b4 "no"

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    6. That's all I wanted to hear. Consent assumed; masturbating presently.

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    7. 12:21, 12:24 = Rob

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    8. Rob what happened to your blog?

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    9. The worst outcome would be finding out that Rob and AltF are the same person.

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    10. The worst thing would be finding out that the Anon who always delivers deposits $100 in my bank account.

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    11. Kittens often fly

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    12. 'still hopeful'

      let it be known I gave up hope a long time ago :(

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    13. I'll bang you weaselsoup give me your address etc.

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    14. If weaselsoup had given up then she would be doing that. But she's still holding out for a hero in WC1.

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    15. http://www.markdoesntunderstandanimals.com/063.html discuss

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    16. anon, give me your address and I'll come to your place.

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    17. "whichever Capn wasn't tediously obnoxious"

      pshhhhh ....

      They all were obnoxious and tedious, what hate blog have you been reading?

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    18. 14 Branchland Court, Ruckersville VA. I look forward to seeing you.

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    19. Anon@1:18 I see what you did there.

      If you want to meet up with weaselsoup, try giving her a public location in London.

      Mind you, I've tried it and she rejected me. Perhaps I should have namedropped one of the West End restaurants or theatres? Or the British Museum? No-one's so cultured that they have already absorbed all the delights on show at the British Musem. Ah, the chase...

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    20. why doesn't weaselsoup nominate the place? i'll tell you why: she's not actually from London.

      MORE LIKE RUMBLEDSOUP

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    21. weaselsoup is actually originally from india

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    22. I used to work really near the british museum so I did used to go there a lot.

      believe me I would love to not be from london. it's a shithole and I hate living here.

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    23. also I never rejected anyone. I cannot afford to be fussy. iirc someone said something about victoria station & i said sorry i had to be somewhere else, which was sadly true

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  22. This entire conversation on this blog now feels like the pillow talk after awkward sex.

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  23. the only thing xkcd is good for is getting you to google shit you don't care about

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    Replies
    1. The only thing a mention of xkcd has got me to search for is 'xkcd'.

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  24. So did this blog die before, during or after ther great "Maybe I'm the first person here to say it but I find X really boring" memefaggotry of Feb 28?

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    Replies
    1. Speaking as the guy who wrote that masterpiece, yes. And you're welcome.

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    2. It died when your boner did.

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    3. 2/28: The 9/11 of xkcd sucks

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    4. Maybe I'm the first person here to say it but I find 9/11 jokes really boring. I have started reading hundreds of 9/11 jokes of various hilarity and probably laughed at a few dozen throughout my life, not including schoolwork.

      I find it hard to read a 9/11 joke without immediately engaging a mindset of, "Here's a consumable that some guy has produced to make himself seem edgy. What comfortable fantasy is he creating to enable this?" And that's how my whole 9/11 joke experience goes. 9/11 jokes makes no point well which can't be better made with reference to reality. It takes me nowhere without giving me the uncomfortable sense that someone thinks this is what I need to laugh at in order to see something false or escape something true. 9/11 jokes idealises; it romanticises; it preaches. It falls asleep and it dreams. It is a selfish journey away from the truth.

      The world already has enough that is beautiful and that is abhorrent - and reality is far more challenging to confront. 9/11 jokes have always seemed like the easy way out.

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  25. Replies
    1. 1 remaining burning building = 1 splotch, LOOSER.

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