Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Comics 935 and 936: Missed Jokes

935. Randy tries his Craigslist list humor again, this time visiting Missed Connections! This time around he doesn't get the formatting or the spirit correctly--at least with his "house for rent" one they were semi-plausible titles for posts. Missed Connections posts never follow the format he's suggesting.

I could go through each of the jokes in his shotgun humor, but instead I'll just say this: why the fuck is Babe Ruth a Time Lord?

936. This isn't a joke. This is Randy complaining that longer passwords are harder to crack. Personally, all of my passwords are from the "dreamers often lie" conversation in Romeo and Juliet, and to this date I've never had anyone crack them.

Since there is no joke here, there's really no joke to review. But the alt text is notable for its unbridled smugness. Here is what esteemed city "Ann Apolis" had to say, on IRC: "You understand. Other people don't. Aren't they /stupid/? I'm sorry for you."

Good night, and God bless.

264 comments:

  1. I'm going to guess that Babe Ruth regenerated into Hank Aaron.

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  2. Just use mispronunciation Randy...

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  3. Why does the program get to keep guessing the password without the system triggering the "three strikes and the account is completely locked" policy that is so common? This could be handy for reading my crush's email to find out if she likes me or not.

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  4. Anon1019: She does, but not in that way. There, I saved you a lot of effort and/or computing. Also look out for people carrying large boxes in the near future, as well as rooks.

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  5. @10:19
    A lot of the time it can't keep guessing. Brute force attacks aren't always viable; that's why phishing is used so much.

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  6. 936 is complete bullshit. All modern "password crackers", even complete brute-force methods, utilize dictionaries and combinations of common words before attempting every possible character combination.

    99% of people only have to worry about making passwords safe from other humans, not from machines.

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  7. Anyone else think "correcthorsebatterystaple" is Randy's password?

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  8. It's "correctmeganlactationmilk".

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  9. At the risk of having other people impersonate me here, I feel compelled to reveal that my password is boobsboobsohgodyesbobbyth3B00B.

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  10. randall has just read the wiki article on information theory and needs you to know this

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  11. @Anon 11:20 PM:
    Correct, most hackers would use dictionary attacks and "combinations of common words". But you won't find "correct horse battery staple" in any dictionary nor do I think that "staple" could be considered a "common word". What you also seem to miss is the fact that a space counts as a special character. So a hacker would have to take that into account as well. (there goes the "combination of common words". It's useless if you add special characters like a space or a '_' or even a '-' )

    So, before you diss something as being "complete bullshit" you should make perfectly sure you know what you are talking about. And also you might want to read this article: http://www.baekdal.com/tips/password-security-usability
    And also be sure to check out the two links on top of that article.

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  12. My first reaction to 936 was: "have we?"

    And yeah, 2:28 is right.

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  13. You know how I keep track of my passwords? I write them down.

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  14. "....all of my passwords are from the "dreamers often lie" conversation in Romeo and Juliet,...."

    Athwarting the pelvis of an atomy for the sake of a password?

    Peace, peace, Rob, peace!

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  15. "You know how I keep track of my passwords? I write them down."

    Which of course is the worst thing you could possibly do. But of course you know that.

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  16. Anonymous @ 10:11 AM said:

    ".......Which of course is the worst thing you could possibly do......"

    Wrong. You ignorant cunt!

    The worst thing you could possibly do would be to email me your passwords - especially your Banking ones.
    But of course you know that.

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  17. I'm pretty sure the worst thing you could do would involve crucifying every kitten in the world.

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  18. In many ways, we would deserve it.

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  19. You're back!

    Your ASBO rescinded then, Kitten?

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  20. @3:50
    Any segment of a password that is made up of a word found in a dictionary is something that will caused it to be cracked faster by some of the more common brute forcing programs. Yes, special characters would need to be taken into account. They are.

    That's not to say that the first password is ideal or the second is especially vulnerable, but Randall's attempt to quantify the length to crack it is extremely misleading. Correcthorsebatterystaple is more vulnerable (relative to its length) than Tr0ub4dor&3 is, vs some common password crackers. The main advantage it has for it, is just the fact that it's longer.

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  21. They can't keep me down, ALTF, I am a freedom fighter! I fight for the People's right to have free Nike trainers and plasma TVs.

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  22. Randy loses major nerd points for not knowing what a dictionary attack is.

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  23. At least the password comic makes a factual point, like you'd expect from xkcd.

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  24. @12:23
    Didn't he assume a dictionary attack in computing the entropy?

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  25. I trust you'll deploy the front foot defensive when the baton rounds 'googly' towards your freedom fighting arse?

    I was told plasma TVs are shite.
    What gives?

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  26. 2^(44/4) = 2000, so Randall assumed a dictionary attack with a dictionary of two thousand words. The dictionary on my computer has two hundred thousand words, so 44 bits for four words is a safe lower bound.

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  27. A free TV is the best kind of TV.

    It would be inhumane to use baton rounds in London, ALTF. They are strictly for use in Belfast.

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  28. The humane liberators of televisions still have the Licence with which reckon.

    Without the beanbags, I assume that England expects that every man will do his duty then?

    "Strictly for use in Belfast"?
    Nyuck.

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  29. its spelled license you dumb bitch

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  30. Is there anyone who doesn't support the riots?

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  31. I don't. Fucking wogs stealing tvs and psps while the white man suffers.

    We ought to call martial law on those bastards - bring in the royal regiment too - and give them the order to fire indiscriminately until the rioters disperse or there are no niggers left in England, whichever comes first.

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  32. Irish want independence so they peacefully protest: GET THE ARMY LET'S BUTCHER THEM IN STADIUMS AND PLANT WEAPONS ON THEM

    Niggers and chavs riot: THIS IS SIMPLY INEXCUSABLE

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  33. It's like you pasted a Daily Mail article, 1:56 ;-). My grandmother's brother was a blackshirt, god rest his Nazi soul, and... well, he was an idiot, and I look forward to see England burning.

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  34. Anonymous @ 1:44 PM,

    The word is spelled 'license' in the part of the Anglosphere inhabited by Yankee and some Canadian cunts. The Queen's English dictates that the word be spelt 'licence' everywhere else where true literacy is embraced.

    You're right about the bumb bitch part though.

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  35. "chav" is like the Britfag for "whigger", right? For when you want the nigger stereotype canard to quack but he's the wrong colo[u]r?

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  36. Hey ALTF why haven't you been seconded to treat the injured in Blighty?

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  37. The glory of the NHS heals all.

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  38. Until Cameron privatises it in 2013, and ends the current welfare system entirely :'(.

    FUCK YOU TORY VOTERS.

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  39. Fucking Libs and Libdems, you're the reason this shit broke out

    Anyone remember "rivers of blood"? It seems Powell was right, very right.

    Griffin's going to have a field day with this and I expect membership in the BNP and EDL will at least septuple - the only positive result of this chimp-out.

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  40. TRUTH:

    Anon 2:18 = Anon 2:13 = Kitten

    And how about water cannons, sure sounds like a fun way to police a riot. Aren't they like giant super-soakers?

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  41. Cannon to the right of me, cannon to the left of me, here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

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  42. @ Anonymous @ 2:05 PM

    That wouldn't be humane. Besides, the NHS won't recognise my licence unless I pay them Danegeld and renounce all my political affiliations.

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  43. its spelled license you dumb bitch

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  44. Renunciation doesn't sway with UK immigration, deviant.

    Anyway, the riots have just been allowed to play out to increase the hate for the lumpen. It'll be over in a few days.

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  45. its spelled lumping you dumb bitch

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  46. @3:00: When you gained awareness that you were born stupid, did you ever think to educate yourself out of it?

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  47. 1:48, is there anyone who does?

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  48. Tory party chairman Baroness Warsi says: "you can come out with crazy excuse after crazy excuse - there is no excuse...."

    Wrong!

    You said yourself, there are excuses aplenty it's just that they are crazy excuses. Do all Life Peers self-contradict like this?

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  49. ALTF, consider (i) that the only sort of Peerage which cannot exist through a whole life is that of a Life Peer, as it is not inherited; (ii) that a Peer, not being a commoner, has the fewest peers of all. A Life Peer self-contradicts just by being.

    But recall that the Hypocritical variant of English, being the Anglo-Saxon rather than Indian sort, always uses "excuse" in two senses. And Baroness Token is using the English of her country rather than of her parents.

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  50. Remember, kids:

    Claiming £1000s for gardening on expenses - OK if you're prime minister.

    Receiving £12,000 bribe^Wgift - OK if you're chief of police.

    Making £1.2 million from hoodwinking investors with junk assets - OK if you're a banker.

    Taking £300 television from shop window - GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL YOU CRIMINAL LAYABOUT SCUM.

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  51. Are you dense or something, 4:27?

    That's not how this situation works at all.

    Prime ministers get a tab and a paycheck. For a national leader to skim a relatively miniscule amount off the budget is illegal and despicable, but it's not very much in the grand scheme of things, and it won't ruin anyone's livelihood.

    Bribery isn't stealing either, as one party is willingly giving their money to the other. It's a two-sided exchange.

    Same with the banker - life is about making money. And making money is largely parting fools from their money. There's a difference between making a profit in a capitalistic system and stealing outright. After all, the investors agreed to the deal, while I doubt that your hypothetical shop owner did.

    But stealing - stealing's stealing, it's a world apart. The impersonal 'shop window' that you're stealing your television from is owned, managed and staffed by real people. All of those people are going to be influenced very negatively by your crime. For example, the Sony distribution centre which the hoodlums burned down employed 800 locals! Now they're out of a job, with niche or negligent skills, in a downturned economy. And this happening not just in one place, but all over London - well, it's sheer malevolence, and it's nothing that should ever occur in a civilised state.

    Imagine, if only we had kept immigration levels at their 1900s levels - Britain might still be 'Empress of the World'!

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  52. "Are you dense or something, 4:27?

    That's not how this situation works at all."

    You spend the rest of the post explaining why 4:27's post describes the situation perfectly.

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  53. 4:27 = 7:16 = samefag

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  54. 6:22 = 8:38 = samefag very embarrassed about having been smashed in a single sentence.

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  55. August 9, 2011 9:39 PM to August 10, 2011 11:09 PM = samefag.

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  56. @12:24: i think you mean August 11, 2011 12:24 AM

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  57. Capitalism produces so many inefficiences. Centralised control of the means of production was once difficult but now occurs anyway thanks to modern computing power. The difference is that corporations have no democratic oversight to ensure their interests remain aligned with those of the people.

    What I am really saying is: imagine if all the rioters would cooperate and reroute their misplaced anger toward xkcd. Just, you know, turn up at Randy's house and politely ask him to stop with this silly comic. I mean... that would be beautiful, man.

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  58. @August 10, 2011 12:04:

    "Any segment of a password that is made up of a word found in a dictionary is something that will caused it to be cracked faster by some of the more common brute forcing programs."

    The only thing a cracker knows if the password was correct or not. Even if he guessed every single character except for the last one correctly he won't know how close he actually was, since the only response he gets from a server would be "wrong password".

    So, even if I chose my password to be: "This is my password. It only contains common and simple words." it would be incredibly hard to crack, since it's so long even though I'm sure all of the words are even in the smallest dictionaries.

    "Correcthorsebatterystaple is more vulnerable (relative to its length) than Tr0ub4dor&3 is, vs some common password crackers"

    A password like Tr0ub4dor&3 is hard to remember. At least harder to remember than "correcthorsebatterystaple", which is the whole reason of the "chose 3+ simple words as a password" argument. It's no use to chose incredibly complex passwords if you cannot remember them and end up writing them down instead.

    Also, "correcthorsebatterystaple" would be harder to crack BECAUSE of it's length! Have a look at this site:
    https://www.grc.com/haystack.htm
    and try it out yourself. (Yes, I know this is NOT a "password strength meter").

    So, my whole point is: "correcthorsebatterystaple" is just as good (if not even better) as a password like "Tr0ub4dor&3".

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  59. @2:21: Assuming you have the database of hashed passwords and depending on hash used, it may be possible to tell whether you are "close".

    As to whether long lists of words or short lists of letters+symbols are harder to remember, that depends entirely on the individual. One of the most significant failings of self-appointed nerds is to assume everyone thinks (and feels?) like them. I have a good memory but the whole image association thing does nothing for me - my mind is an interconnected web of ideas and symbols. FWIW, I am a mathematician by training.

    It's trivially true that a longer password is better than a password taken from a slightly larger character set - x^y increases faster with y than x. That's all Randy had to say.

    But if it became standard to use strings of words, word-string password crackers would just become stronger as people analysed popular combinations. Perhaps, say, thousands of people will be found to choose particular famous film/book quotes. This could be matched with age/gender - maybe the headline quote of a teen chick flick will be appropriate for getting into the average teenage girl's account? I hear computers are great tools for examining a lot of data and answering these questions :-).

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  60. "Assuming you have the database of hashed passwords and depending on hash used, it may be possible to tell whether you are 'close'."

    I'd like an explanation on that one. I had to write a program once to brute force a password when you already have the hashed value and I still had to take each combination of characters, hash it (SHA), and see if it matched (I used multiple threads to make it faster), because every password hashes to something completely different from the one before it. There's no way to tell if you're getting close or not, at least with that hashing algorithm.

    But if there's something I don't know about it, please do share.

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  61. guys lets go back to talking about circumcision

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  62. lolz @ 5:51's anteater

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  63. @cptnoremac: LanMan hashing is a very simple example: long passwords are split up into two chunks so you'll know if you got the first or second half of a long password correct. Moreover since each chunk is only 7 bytes long without substantial salt (even older Unix 12-bit salt is insufficient vs modern storage capacity) it's trivial to simply generate a list of every possible password hash / rainbow tables.

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  64. lolz @ 6:56's anteater

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  65. The difference is, all these rioters were scum anyway and deservde to be removed from society before any of this even happened. They have no friends and I hate them.

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  66. lolz @ 6:00's need for lube when wanking

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  67. lolz @ 7:30 thinking masturbation is the only way to get off

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  68. They have more friends than you, SilverSurfer..

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  69. If only we still had Hitler, he would know how to deal with London.

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  70. The problem with long passwords is that they're long, which means you have to take more time to type them, which is annoying. On the other hand, once you remember your password is h9jk9kkmA you can hammer that out pretty quickly each time.

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  71. @9:15: Hitler cooperated with the strong Jews to kill off the weak Jews, and now they control the media which oppresses the masses and causes them to occasionally make weak, desperate attempts at fighting back.

    So... Hitler has already dealt with London.

    (Do I fit in on the Internet now?)

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  72. @9:20: Indeed. My Truecrypt/dm-crypt passwords are all looong and they're tedious to type and easy to typo first thing in the morning. Necessary evil.

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  73. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  74. "randall has just read the wiki article on information theory and needs you to know this"

    And didn't really understand it, apparently...

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  75. Some places have password length limits

    also, just put a number at the end of your password that is what I do.

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  76. THAT INCREASES THE EFFORT REQUIRED TENFOLD, SAFE!!!!! NO-ONE WHO CAN AFFORD ONE MACHINE CAN AFFORD TEN.

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  77. paula beans == brillant

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  78. @1:49

    Looks like you know some of the COMMON JOKES ON THE INTERNET!

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  79. @3:38

    Thank you for noticing! =3

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  80. 937: I'm not sure I get the joke... All the possibilities I can think of aren't funny, and rather inane.

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  81. @935
    I havent even read the comic and im /already/ laughing (or giggling quietly to myself, as it happens)
    Perhaps you lack the appropriate education and/or skills to understand it?
    I would suggest evening courses at your local tech enrichment center. It has done wonders for my appreciation of the fine arts and my bothersome complexion.
    Thank you for listening.

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  82. @9:46; Where's ALTF when you need her?

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  83. HAHAHA RANDY WHAT AN ASTUTE OBSERVATION IT IS TRUE THAT SOMETIMES THE EFFECTIVENESS OF DISASTER PLANNING CAN ONLY BE MEASURED BY A REAL DISASTER.

    ALSO THE MEAN CAN BE A BAD SUMMARY STATISTIC IN MANY SITUATIONS LOL MIDDLE SCHOOL MATH LOL.

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  84. Re 937: Congratulations, Randall. Have a cookie.

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  85. Re: 937
    According to the app description, it is not supposed to warn you about a tornado, but rather inform you when there is a tornado warning for your area, which is a hazardous weather advisory put out the government. If your area has a tornado but no tornado warning has been issued, the app can't do anything about that. I wonder what this particular reviewer's situation was, given that they say "app did not warn me about tornado" rather than "app did not inform me of tornado warning." Sometimes tornadoes develop so quickly that there is no warning.

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  86. "....which is a hazardous weather advisory put out the government...."

    Would that be:

    "advisory put out 'by' the Government"

    or:

    "advisory 'to' put out the government"

    I support the latter statement, the intercalated lexeme 'to', over the intercalated lexeme 'by' in the former.

    Innit?

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  87. @ALT-F:

    really?

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  88. He does raise an interesting point, maybe they should display the median and not just the mean.

    Innit?

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  89. @ LostInPlace,

    Really!

    And that word is to be pronounced with three syllables - as is proper - unlike the two syllable pronounciation one would find amongst the unlettered cunts in North America.

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  90. @LostinSpace Tornadoes certainly can develop before a warning is issued. Sighting an actual funnel is one of the conditions that leads to upgrading a "Tornado watch" to a "Tornado warning". Too bad for the people right where that funnel first appears. The app might be more useful if it reported tornado watches, but I don't have much sympathy for people who are so glued to their phones they can't even look out the window. It's usually pretty hard to ignore the weather when a severe weather advisory is in effect, let alone when the advisory gets upgraded to a tornado watch/warning.

    Of course, the app is of pretty limited utility anyway. In "urbanized" areas in tornado country, even the smallest towns have tornado sirens, and in more rural areas, you might not have cell coverage.

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  91. So the problem with average ratings is that you have to read a small sample of the reviews to get a clearer view of the product? Is that what Randy is complaining about?

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  92. I've always thought of "fire" as a one-syllable word, even though most treat it as two (fi-yer). It's probably because it's hard to go from the long "I" sound to the "R" sound smoothly. Compare to "fare," which is agreeably monosyllabic.

    But I don't think anyone pronounces "real" like "ree-yal". Well, except those black preachers who need four syllables to say "lord."

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  93. I like ALTF's posts. Let me explain why.

    I look at her post up there with the phrase "intercalated lexeme". I think to myself: why has she used the words "intercalated" and "lexeme"? I can understand people not having the time to cut the chaff when they make a post, but needlessly typing long words... maybe there is some meaning to these words conveying something subtle or specific about language?

    So I consult regular dictionaries. I consult grammar dictionaries and books on English usage. 90 seconds later, still stumped, I even consult Wikipedia.

    I conclude that there was absolutely no benefit in using those words. It was pure pomposity, the insecure ego of a 12 year old boy who can't resist showing his first pube to the class.

    Why would I like all this? For the same reason Rob likes criticising xkcd, I guess.

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  94. I hate the word pube. you're a dork for using it.

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  95. I hate the word dork. you're a pube for using it.

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  96. @ Anonymous 8:01:

    "....the insecure ego of a 12 year old boy who can't resist showing his first pube to the class....."

    You can do that in Yankee Middle Schools?
    Fuck me from behind with a flagon of cut chaff, but did I ever miss out.

    One separates the wheat from the chaff. Inspite of what your research will tell you, 'cutting the chaff' is an incorrect idiom.

    ".....but needlessly typing long words... ...."

    A girl's got to keep busy, Innit?

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  97. "....which is a hazardous weather advisory put out the government...."

    What is so hazardous about weather advisory?

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  98. Yo, Rob, could ypu remove my most recent post? I actually want to use that password.

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  99. I'm not sure I like your tone Ms. Canto.
    To what do you refer in your employment of the word 'it'?

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  100. @ALTF: Search "chaff cutter". Your correction would imply something quite different.

    And you have my shoulder-surfing farm-upbrought partner giving me a history of threshing now.

    I assume you wanted someone to call you for "inspite"?

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  101. Shite!
    It's 'despite' isn't it?
    More learnin'!


    By 'chaff cutter' are you referring to my predilection for choosing sexual partners who autotomise during copulation thereby creating a 'mating plug' which I retrieve and add to my growing collection?

    Ask your partner if he has a pair of wellies with the built-in sheep's hind-hoof adapter.

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  102. Better to be thresh in-tuned than thrush festooned I reckon.

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  103. ALTF Translation ServiceAugust 12, 2011 at 10:28 AM

    "Shite!
    It's 'despite' isn't it?
    More learnin'!"

    Irony.

    "By 'chaff cutter' are you referring to my predilection for choosing sexual partners who autotomise during copulation thereby creating a 'mating plug' which I retrieve and add to my growing collection?"

    Suggesting that men are so dismayed by her sexual fervor that their cocks drop off in self-defense.

    "Ask your partner if he has a pair of wellies with the built-in sheep's hind-hoof adapter."

    Suggesting that 9:47's partner fucks sheep so regularly that he has specially-designed boots for it.

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  104. ALFT Translation Service, could you please do that more often? Seriously, I have no fucking clue what she's talking about half the time.

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  105. Dearest ALTF Translation Service,

    You said:

    "....Suggesting that men are so dismayed by her sexual fervor that their cocks drop off in self-defense....."

    I'll have you know that when Tommy Lee gave me the leg-over, he told me that sex with me was like "throwing a cocktail wiener down a long hallway". Makes a girl proud it does!

    Translating my dross for the unlettered is not a good idea. It is important that the majority of the readers here echo the concerns of Anonymous @ 10:39 AM.

    To wit:

    "Seriously, I have no fucking clue what she's talking about half the time."

    It is for the best.

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  106. 10:28, you're like xkcdexplained all over again.

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  107. See, she doesn't want you to. All the more reason to do it.

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  108. Anonymous 10:49 AM,

    Am I engaging in reverse psychology or am I reminding my peer that our Lingua Franca is just that, ours, and should be guarded as such.

    Ms. Canto,

    If you are a guy then you are as homogametic as the days is long.

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  109. Lingua Franca, capitalised, has a very different meaning from lingua franca.

    I sympathise with 10:39 because so many little corrections are required for your sentences to make sense. If you didn't wrongly identify similar mistakes in others' posts it wouldn't be so bad.

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  110. ALTF Translation ServiceAugust 12, 2011 at 11:10 AM

    "Anonymous 10:49 AM,

    Am I engaging in reverse psychology or am I reminding my peer that our Lingua Franca is just that, ours, and should be guarded as such."

    Suggesting that her previous comments concerning her disapproval of this translation service may or may not be deceitful. Essentially, an attempt
    at confusion and psychological warfare.

    "Ms. Canto,

    If you are a guy then you are as homogametic as the days is long."

    Suggesting Fernie is genetically female, or has XX male syndrome.

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  111. Thanks, ALFT TS. You make this blog 28% more bearable.

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  112. Dearest ALTF Translation Service,

    You forgot the Lingua Franca quip with its inherent elitism.

    XY Female or "pure gonadal dysgenesis"‎ is known as Swyer Syndrome.
    What if Fernie is Avian?

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  113. Thank you ALTF translaton service. You're pretty funny, you know that?

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  114. ALTF you made a mistake. Everyone, even an 'unlettered cunt', knows what an avian is. So your attempt at obfuscating verbosity has failed in its execution.

    Innit?

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  115. @ Anonymous 11:09 AM,

    "...Lingua Franca, capitalised, has a very different meaning from lingua franca...."

    I concur. That is why it was rendered that way.

    "....If you didn't wrongly identify similar mistakes in others' posts it wouldn't be so bad....."

    It wouldn't be so good either.

    All in all, not bad for an Asian cunt pixelating in her fourth, and most recently, learned language.
    Not that I have 'learned' it good yet. Still, I's better than most of you unlettered Visigoths.

    Innit?

    Anonymous @ 11:51

    Do the pedestrians also know that the homogametic sex in birds is the male?

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  116. Dearest ALTF Translation Service,

    I am still waiting for your translation of the Lingua Franca quip with its inherent elitism. Perhaps I have erred in adjudging you a peer?

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  117. ALTF is getting defensive.

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  118. @ Anonymous 12:11 PM,

    Your reading comprehension is suspect my friend.

    My wit is wasted on you.

    Best you stick to the ALTF Translation Service, though incomplete, it will suffice for you and your ilk.

    I am being quite modest by the way and I am not bitter.

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  119. "My wit"

    Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

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  120. 937 is not supposed to be a joke you massive gaylords. It's just pointing out that trusting the ratings of retards is retarded.

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  121. @ Anonymous 12:50,

    Oh dear.
    Using the word 'retard' as a noun.

    @ Anonymous 12:33,

    You're welcome! And you did this without the ALTF Translation Service.
    Good for you.

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  122. There's more than one commenter here who posts under Anonymous, you dumb bitch.

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  123. ALTF, the point is that your comment makes no sense if you capitalise "Lingua Franca". You can claim that people don't understand or aren't as smart as you or something, but it would be much easier if you just typed, "I, ALTF, let go of my Internet ego and apologise that I made a mistake while trying to sound like a smartass."

    It's one step away from Randy's sly corrections.

    If English is your fourth language, as you claim - though I notice your shying away from a conversation in Spanish after you offered it and someone responded - you would surely benefit from actually listening to people rather than continuing the "I'm smarter than everyone else" behaviour which only ever gets you so far in life. It worked well for me too up to postgraduate life when I met other people equally smart and learnt to accept it.

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  124. Honestly, 1:20. How long have you been using the internet? She tries to sound like a smartass specifically so that people like you will say things like that.

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  125. @1:35: I've been on the Internet 16 years. She tries way too hard for a troll - have you seen how much she posts? She also makes fairly obscure mistakes which suggest she has a good but not excellent grasp of the language: most people wouldn't even notice them, let alone correct them.

    I hope for her own sake that she's just a lonely but fairly intelligent English learner who thinks xkcd sucks (which is why I have corrected her above to encourage her to come out of her shell and act normally) rather than a poor troll who needs to post longwinded blabber every day to elicit a response.

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  126. She learns quite a lot using her current method. People are always pompously correcting her and attempting to outshine her. It's a pretty good way to teach yourself the nuances of a language.

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  127. @ Anonymous 1:13 PM,

    Really?

    Pronounced with two syllables and to rhyme with the word 'silly'.
    I'm in a 'sound like a Yankee cunt' mood.
    I am a fucking dumb bitch.
    The word 'fucking' is to be understood as both an adjective and a verb so you must read the phrase twice for the full impact.

    @ Anonymous 1:20 PM,

    ".....ALTF, the point is that your comment makes no sense if you capitalise "Lingua Franca"....."

    You do not appear to be particularly thick, perhaps you are just not trying hard enough.


    "...."I'm smarter than everyone else" behaviour which only ever gets you so far in life....."

    See my above comment.
    It also helps that I am very attractive and, thanks to BP, wealthy beyond avarice.

    @ Anonymous 1:44 PM,

    I trawl. I do not troll - my singing voice is grating at best. And 'long-winded' is two words.

    ReplyDelete
  128. @August 11, 2011 10:28 PM:

    I hope you're happy.

    ReplyDelete
  129. @ Anonymous 1:44 PM,

    ".....I hope for her own sake that she's just a lonely but fairly intelligent English learner...."

    And for your own sake, what do you hope?

    "....who thinks xkcd sucks....."

    Au contraire, stugots! I've no thoughts about that silly and harmless comic. If you've monitored my word salads o'er the last six months or so you will have noticed that I have never commented on the comic.

    ReplyDelete
  130. @Anon 1:49: She'd get more consistent and accurate feedback by just asking nicely. I've bumped into so many insecure trolls who just want help/advice but are unwilling to ask for it so instead put on an inefficient front.

    @ALTF 1:49: Perhaps you are just being too obscure. Any man can claim anything makes sense if interpreted in a sufficiently outlandish way. If no-one understands but the speaker, the fault in communication likely lies with the speaker. Is this not part of basic training?

    (FWIW, I wouldn't put too much value on the wealth bestowed upon you by an old man who treats you as an intelligent pet. The less pleasant men in my family have treated pretty and sophisticated young women the same way and it's not always ended well. You know more about your relationship than I do, of course.)

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  131. @ALTF2:07: The first time I ever saw your name online it was making some comment about xkcd. Might have been more than six months ago, though, and might not even have been on xkcdsucks.

    For my own sake, I expect to take nothing from here but a giggle or two at the expense of Randall Munroe. The quantity of posts from you suggests that you have more invested in this forum, which is why I'm offering you a friendly hand.

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  132. "....If no-one understands but the speaker,...."

    And I would have it no other way.

    "....so instead put on an inefficient front...."

    My front is efficient and effective for my purposes. Besides my frontshake brings all the boys to the yard.

    ReplyDelete
  133. She is obviously enjoying herself, 2:17. I don't see what you hope to achieve, unless you are one of those odious people who enjoy giving 'advice' to people at every opportunity.

    ReplyDelete
  134. This image describes your behaviour quite well, ALTF.

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  135. 2:25, we're all here to enjoy ourselves - like Rob said, people are here to criticise xkcd because they like to do so and find it funny to point out how awfully silly and/or wrong Randall can be.

    But Randall has hordes of admirers and an income from his few minutes a day of sillliness. ALTF, meanwhile, appears to spend far more time on a similar activity without the return, frequently going on the defensive. I'm not telling her what to do, just pointing out that she won't lose e-points if she lets her hair down a bit.

    At the end of this conversation I'll be gone a while, but when I return a few days later I know there'll be dozens of posts from her each day met with derision. She's every right to want only that, but is that really all she wants?

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  136. @ Anonymous 2:25(2) PM,

    To a 'T' my friend. To a 'T'.
    Except I am missing my front, left incisor.
    A beer bottle opening gambit that went terribly awry.

    @ Anonymous 2:25(1) PM,

    I enjoy odious people. I've a powerful olfactory sense. And I am not enjoying myself one bit. It's a horrid, horrid vocation I have embraced here and I regret it pixelated lexeme by pixelated lexeme.

    ReplyDelete
  137. Anonymous @ 2:33 PM said:

    "....She's every right to want only that, but is that really all she wants?...."

    Actually I do not have every right - it's a privilege you Librul cunt!
    All I really want is peace on Earth and good will towards all men - and a pair of Jimmy Choos.

    ReplyDelete
  138. I can't help but recall the joke about killing 6 million Jews - and one clown.

    ReplyDelete
  139. If you could do that without killing the Jews, I would be behind that scheme. Can't stand clowns HA I RUINED YOUR SHITTY JOKE.

    ReplyDelete
  140. @2:56: That you had more emotion toward the one clown than the 6,000,000 Jews would be sufficient to execute the joke to completion.

    captcha: doxissi. Latin conjugation for an ED generation.

    ReplyDelete
  141. No what isn't? Wouldn't be?

    ReplyDelete
  142. Tell me about your problems.

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  143. The illiterate sophomores and their humour have arrived.

    ".....execute the joke to completion..."?

    You write English real good.

    @ Anonymous @ 3:07 PM,

    You mean 'No it doesn't'?

    ReplyDelete
  144. christ, alt-f, how many hours have you been here?

    ReplyDelete
  145. I thought you were pretending to be in the US? Or are you in England again?

    ReplyDelete
  146. She's in England at the moment. Indeed she's going through my bins as I type.

    ReplyDelete
  147. 'Going through my bins' is British slang for a rimjob, by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  148. Rob don't write a new post yet because I don't want people to miss this: Randy explained 936 on Metafilter! http://ask.metafilter.com/193052/Oh-Randall-you-do-confound-me-so#2779020. It seems that maybe he read the Wikipedia article on Information Theory last week and not the day of the comic, as suggested earlier.

    ReplyDelete
  149. I thought you were pretending to be in the US? Or are you in England again?
    ---
    She pretends to be a British subject and a real purveyor of "the Queen's English" and all that bull, but her IP indicates her to be living in International Falls, Minnesota. A village of 6,000 on the Canadian border. For entertainment it's got only a small college nearby (where I assume she studies) and a yearly parade so it's no wonder she spends all her time 'trawling' here.

    ReplyDelete
  150. How did you get her IP address?

    ReplyDelete
  151. The Illustrious ComicAugust 12, 2011 at 9:56 PM

    International Falls?!!!

    Slooooowly I turned. Step by step, pace by pace. I got closer and closer until I could see the very whites of the scoundrel's eyes. Then I THUMPED him and SLAPPED him and TORE his shirt. I BLACKED his eye and KNOCKED him over, I PICKED HIM UP and KNOCKED him over again.

    ReplyDelete
  152. How did you get her IP address?
    ---

    She was one of a few who visited a honeytrap forum I posted a while back. As admin I easily obtained her IP address allowing me to locate her position. Not that I plan to do anything with it, but still

    ReplyDelete
  153. 96.2.142.152

    ^ Hic est, domine

    In case you were wondering.

    ReplyDelete
  154. Who else visited?

    ReplyDelete
  155. You know guys, she'd be a lot more likely to go away if you didn't talk about her constantly.

    ReplyDelete
  156. But if she went away we'd have to go back to making Rob believe we're very upset about him talking about lactation when he should be criticising comics.

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  157. Pssht, you know as well as I do that rob has never believed that, and we've never tried very hard to make him, because it simply is not true.

    But I admit I'd prefer that to this ALTF/anti-ALTF drivel.

    ReplyDelete
  158. Yeah, I guess the ALTF joke has gotten a bit dull. Especially when someone who really has been provoked suddenly jumps in.

    ReplyDelete
  159. As opposed to pretending to be provoked? Seriously?

    Do I need to repeat what Anon 2:25 said?

    ReplyDelete
  160. ALTF is the new xkcd: regular output; each oeuvre adopting a subset of a very limited list of characteristics; emission unchanged despite the torrent of criticism; the occasional defender who needs beating down.

    ALTF: An xkcdsucks doctor of Myanmar, Canadian sugardaddies, cunts, and verbal diarrhoea.

    ALTF updates every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

    Warning: this poster occasionally uses long words (which may be unsuitable), weak humor (which may be incorrigible), and advanced linguistics (which aren't quite up to the standards of liberal-arts majors).

    ReplyDelete
  161. When a man is tired of criticising ALTF, he is tired of criticising xkcd?

    ReplyDelete
  162. You could repeat what 2:25 said, Pirate, but it wouldn't be relevant. It's not about trying to give people a bad time. It's just the listless sort of pleasure that comes from poking a squeaky toy and listening to the sound that comes out. When people are really upset it spoils the mood, and they end up dragging the particular point of contention well beyond its expiration date.

    ReplyDelete
  163. And this blog's whole point is to drag the particular point of contention well past its expiration date amirite?

    ReplyDelete
  164. @ Ann Apolis and U Kitten,

    Shall I divulge the contents of your wheelie bin?
    Where 'wheelie bin' is code for sigmoid colon in International Falls, Minnesota.

    @ Anonymous 1:47 AM,

    "....weak humor (which may be incorrigible)..."

    My humour is indeed incorrigible.

    "No, Sir, when a man is tired of International Falls, he is tired of life; for there is in International Falls all that life can afford."
    --Samuel Johnson September 20, 1777

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  165. @ Anonymous 1:47 AM

    ".....emission unchanged despite the torrent of criticism;....."

    Replace the word 'despite' with the phrase 'because of' and you will have cracked my oeuvre.

    Innit?

    ReplyDelete
  166. [...]and I spent a while recently working on practical password cracking -Randall

    Result: still can't get into her facebook account! =(

    ReplyDelete
  167. Ravenzomg = ALTF.

    STATISTICAL FACT.

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  168. No need to insult the poor girl - statistically or otherwise.

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  169. ALTF has a real way with trying to sound witty but without telling any jokes. Is ALTF capable of discussion, or is every comment a brush-off of the previous commenter? Could ALTF stay on topic without acknowledging doing so?

    ReplyDelete
  170. My way is not real.
    To answer your queries: No and no.


    The fact that you do not perceive any 'jokes' does not necessarily preclude the existence of any 'jokes'.

    Innit?

    ReplyDelete
  171. ALTF Translation Service made this fucking cuntfaggot blog worth reading godamnit

    don't disappear now

    ReplyDelete
  172. I feel like every one likes compliments.

    ALTF, you've been extreemly funny to read.

    International Falls, Minnesota is lucky to have you.

    ReplyDelete
  173. Man nigga, I be axin dis shit fo while, an I no geddit. What a homie do dogedda joke all up in here, yo? I mean, da hell man, da hell?

    ReplyDelete
  174. Anon 8:36, you have a beautiful soul. Don't ever let anybody take that away from you.

    ReplyDelete
  175. So I've been away for a while now. Just when did this place become a cheap imitation of 4chan?

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  176. If you don't know why Babe Ruth is a Time Lord you don't understand either Doctor Who or baseball and deserve to die.

    ReplyDelete
  177. Cheap imitation of ALTFAugust 14, 2011 at 2:41 AM

    @ The Watcher 1:31,

    "you don't understand either Doctor Who or baseball and deserve to die"

    Are you implying that he deserves to die because he appreciates neither stuffy British science fiction nor Yankee rounders? Or is your thanatophoric mandate entirely spontaenous?

    You're a cunt an' no mistake.

    Innit?

    ReplyDelete
  178. Cheap imitation of ALTFAugust 14, 2011 at 3:18 AM

    @ Ebony and Crackers. 10:44,

    This is the sort of unlettered wiff-waff from the fuliginous indigenous to which that niggard Starkey referred.

    Innit?

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  179. I find the idea of ALTF so fucking hot that I spent my entire Saturday walking down the high street quoting her angrily and out of context at black youths.

    ReplyDelete
  180. UndercoverCuddlefishAugust 14, 2011 at 11:13 AM

    what was once hated and detested now is worshipped and revered

    this blog has come full circle

    ReplyDelete
  181. Holy shit, I just realised it's Aquarians love to fuck and not Unicorns love to fuck. Why the hell would I have thought it was the latter all this time?

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  182. UndercoverCuddlefishAugust 14, 2011 at 1:16 PM

    illiteracy

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  183. @Cheap imitation of ALTF

    I am implying nothing. I am stating that if he doesn't know why Babe Ruth is a Time Lord then both of the following things are true:

    1) He doesn't understand either Doctor Who or baseball.
    2) He deserves to die.

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  184. Dearest Aquarians Love To Fuck,
    Might I enquire where a mere neophyte of the school of lettering could find your particular dictionary and thesaurus combination? I hear that it aids tremendously in channelling mere verbosity to the unique utility of the creation of blandly sesquipedalian articles, and that it is of use to any advocate of overly middle-class and prescriptive grammatical codices, such as those found in proliferation amongst the gentry of the middle Georgian era, who is inclined to proselytising.

    I also hear that said reference contains a controversial alteration to the entry 'lettered', defining that word as having the meaning: 'dull, pretentious, lacking in urbanity'.

    Please respond soon; I am eager, moist, and red-faced with anticipation for such information as may lead to the acquirement of this long-coveted tome.

    ReplyDelete