Saturday, April 23, 2011

Comic 889: Teenage Mutant Ninja Uselessness

[Finally, noted #xkcd-sucks lurker "Seth" has sent me this review, also, for some reason, which, okay. -Ed.]

Okay, so.

This comic is cool. Like first there's this guy and he's all "BLARG" about his computer or whatever. Then there's this turtle see and it's all "I'm a turtle" and you better fucking believe it was a turtle because that's how Randall drew it n' shit. I mean if it weren't a turtle why would it look like one and for that matter think that it was one it doesn't make any sense. Also okay so then there's another frame and the turtle just is all like check it I'm a fuckin' turtle and then there's another frame and the guy's like here it is or some shit you can't even see if it's a guy maybe it's a girl or like Megan or something (she's the blonde one right?) and shit. So then there's another panel and it's 50 years in the goddamn FUTURE and that fuckin' turtle is still sittin' there doing his turtle thing. Fuck that's awesome. And to top it all off the turtle's still all "I'm a turtle" and shit. And then like at the bottom the caption's all "Turtles have it figured out." Fuck yeah they do.

'Cuz I mean like what do people know. Do they ever like stop and think, "I'm a person?" I doubt it. They're too busy worryin' about shit that don't make sense. Like who cares about Martin Luther or like the Johnson account or some shit. Maybe you're a lady and thinkin' about lady junk who knows. But I doubt you like, stop and appreciate the fact that you're a person. You know? It's just criminal, man, how we go about our lives with our heads to the ground and not realizing who we are. But fuck that, the turtle knows who he is. He's a motherfuckin' turtle, and he's got that shit down pat. Can you believe that? Also he's like at least 50 years old and he still knows who he is. Man. Fuckin' amazing is what that is.

So yeah anyway I thought the comic was cool. I mean you don't get that kinda deepness from everyday stuff, you know? It's like just, really cool. I mean all the allegories and shit. Like with the guy (or girl?) offscreen. He's just worryin' about his computer and he's got a fuckin' turtle just running around his house. Like what the fuck. You're so focused on your little computer you don't appreciate the fuckin' shit goin' down around you, like the fact that there's a motherfuckin' turtle just sittin' there doing his thing. How do you not even notice that.

I wish I could draw as good as Randall. I mean, look at that turtle. I can't draw a turtle like that. I used to want to draw and shit but I never got into it. Just too busy looking for shit that I wasn't gonna find and didn't matter anyway.

You know what? Fuck that. I'm gonna learn to fuckin' draw. I'm gonna take an example from that fuckin' turtle and just do what I wanna fuckin' do without worrying. None of this stuff matters anyways so might as well chill like the turtle and start fuckin' drawin'. Maybe I'll draw a turtle sittin' all chill and doing his own thing. I'm not gonna be like that man or woman or manwoman because if you wanna be that too that's cool. It's good to fuckin' know who you are, take a page from that turtle there and just know. I sure am. Thanks Randall and thanks turtles everywhere.

I need to go find a pen.

-Seth

91 comments:

  1. Seth, you are a light in the dark.

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  2. Kitten, you're the worst man on Mars!

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  3. This comic, somehow, has spawned the best reviews.

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  4. Jon Levi's forum-watchApril 24, 2011 at 2:18 AM

    Well this is interesting:

    "A webcomic, like any piece of creative art, is the sole ownership + dominion of its creator. The creator of that piece of art is God + they say what has meaning + what doesnt. If something is funny to them, then so be it. God-powers. [...] Personally if I was Randall and constantly under high expectations for xkcd, i'd probably create all kinds of pointless, inside-joke comics just to fuck with all my readers + see how upset they'd get."

    Fortunately the next post is a counter-argument.

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  5. I would love to beat illiterati to death.

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  6. I think it would be fun if xkcd was one of those forums that had karma. Just imagine whose karma we could send crashing down, and who we can exalt. Though we'd probably be outnumbered by xkcd fans.

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  7. I laughed aloud at "he's just worryin' about his computer and he's got a fuckin' turtle just running around his house." I'm a little ashamed about laughing about some junk I read on the internet, but there you go.

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  8. This review is fantastic. Each review's humor quotient is inversely related to the number of times "Megan" appears in the post. (For contrast, this post is pretty much garbage.)



    Captcha:
    ingivant
    -adj.
    without charity or generosity
    Robdall's fascination with Megan's perpetually ingivant nipples has long been unhealthy.

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  9. OH MY GOD! I'M A TURTLE.

    Randy, please fuck off. Please. Fuck off. Please.

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  10. UndercoverCuddlefishApril 24, 2011 at 2:45 PM

    goomh randall i am a turtle too

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  11. This is such an awesome review.

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  12. Perhaps this was to say that he deleted the comic file by accident?

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  13. I don't give a crap about the comic, but it makes me happy that it exists if it spawned this review-of-comic. It was both funny and reminded me of my college friends.

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  14. This comic is probably not Randall's pride and joy, et cetera.

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  15. Randall is the turtle. xkcd Sucks is the man with computer troubles. Randall knows what he is and is happy to be what he is. xkcd Sucks flails about futilely trying to change that over which it has no power. Randall procures his living source of income from what he does. xkcd Sucks just perpetuates its own egotism.

    Does Randall have it all figured out? Yes. Yes, he does.

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  16. The perpetuation of one's egotism is highly fulfilling. I recommend you try it.

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  17. XKCDsucks' ego is so big that we're less a function of "XKCD", and more just a function of "sucks".

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  18. Randall has discovered that great concessions to realism in language are made in order for science fiction to be accessible to readers! Stop the presses! Print no more science fiction books! We must find a universally satisfactory solution to this oversight!

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  19. Every science fiction work must now be written in unintelligible gibberish, because that is probably the way an alien language/language from the future would sound like to us.

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  20. Lol, maltese falcon.

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  21. 6:04: Fuck off with the doppelganger bullshit, mmkay?

    Captcha: Fiend. No explanation required.

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  22. I think this is the most stupid observation he has ever come up with.
    Also the joke wouldn't be funny even if it was clever.

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  23. The forums aren't giving much support for this comic either... could the great cult finally be collapsing? How's this for desperate apologism, though:

    "You may be missing the point here...

    Sure, there may be falcon-equivalents in the Star Wars Galaxy that the ship is named for....but how likely is LUKE to know what one is? I mean, he comes from a freaking desert planet!"

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  24. Well, Anonymous at 1:06, actually pretty likely:

    "semi-desert": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greater_Kestrel
    "arid, open country": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fox_Kestrel
    "coastal and desert cliffs": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sooty_Falcon
    "deserts": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Kestrel
    "throughout Australia ... arid areas": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_Falcon


    If the planet had at one point been non-desert, and we assume that all of these alien planets have randomly-distributed Terran organisms on them (which is probably more likely than humans just kicking around in space for no reason), the survival of a falcon species on Tatooine isn't that improbable. Wikipedia makes it pretty clear that most species prefer grasslands and forest except during certain parts of their lifecycles, but as a matter of evolution, it's only a pebble-toss away, and the species above are already heavily resident in desert areas.

    So suck it, desperate apologist.

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  25. Beautiful review

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  26. I didn't review the comic, but I did give a better example than the one Randall made: http://jeremymassler.blogspot.com/2011/04/xkcd-guy-just-put-comic-in-which-he.html

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  27. Oh, Try-Stopper. I think you may be trying too hard. You should probably stopper it before someone gets hurt.

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  28. The answer to your question, in any case, isn't that he said "jeez", but "Ge'ez": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ge%27ez

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  29. Oh, and Gee, this comic fucking sucked.

    I bet Randy never played Dwarf Fortress, or he would understand why somebody could be named "Luke Skywalker" but have no relation to the English language. Or even, I don't know, read "Lord of the Rings" (which I guess he did, but he completely skipped over the languages part). Or maybe he understands his observation is stupid, but he decided to post the comic anyway because he knows fanboys will eat up any shit sandwich thrown at them.

    Captcha: nonsance - a good word to describe this comic

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  30. Well, as usual, if you ignore the actual joke, the STRUCTURE of XKCD#890 is quite good. it's borderline "sleek" and "efficient". Pity it doesn't use that efficiency and sleekity to go anywhere.

    For 5 minutes this morning I totally thought this comic was about Christmas, thought about writing a review that ran along the same pattern as "The Grinch [etc]". Then I realized I already wrote one that was a lot more cohesive than that. Post it, Robyn, or write a better one who cares.

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  31. Look everyone, an assorted review of XKCD #890 before XKCD-sucks has posted one [hyperlink missing]!

    That is not actually that unexpected.

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  32. Seth said:

    "....I wish I could draw as good as Randall...."

    I'm sure Randall wishes he could write as well as you.

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  33. @Moron from last comment thread:

    How exactly does looking at the world disprove a creator? Does just seeing the complexities of our universe support the claim that everything just exploded from nothing and randomly formed a livable environment? You atheists are even stupider than Christians.

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  34. I didn't know Ray Comfort posted in here.

    Want a banana?

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  35. Against the better judgement of the robust BCP I have enabled comments and begun to post new, uncopywrited shite.

    Concatenates of 'assturd' are welcome - it all adds up!

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  36. Bananas (from Wolof via Spanish/Portuguese) are non-canon:
    http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Banana

    Chocolate (Nahuatl via Spanish) seems to be canon though:
    http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Chocolate

    What the hell is Randall going on about Indo-European for? Does he even understand what etymology is? Is he really OK with chocolate being in Star Wars, but not falcons, or is he too stupid to adequately describe his real complaint?

    What the hell is his real complaint anyway? That the movies are in English at all? While naive about the realities of hit film-making, at least that's a logical position. Or is he complaining about certain words that shouldn't have a space equivalent? Indo-European roots have nothing to do with that (if he thinks Indo-European is relevant, that goes back to not having the movies in English).

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  37. Yeah, the fact that they're speaking English at all is a much bigger hole, unless we assume it's translated for us, in which case, the word "falcon" is probably a translation too.

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  38. Something always gets lost in translations, Cameron.
    For instance: I want to say that 'Looking at you makes time stand still' in my Mother Tongue. Unfortunately what comes out is: 'Your face would stop a clock'.

    Idioms are just so untranslatable, innit?

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  39. Guys you're overthinking it.

    Randall is basically bitching about people in a fantasy movie speaking English, but he just found the "Proto-Indo-European language" article on Wikipedia so he threw that in there to nerd it up.

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  40. Interestingly, I'm actually listening to a song called Time Stand Still right now. Not one of Rush's better songs, but Pandora isn't the sharpest cookie in the box. And Aimee Mann is pretty hot.

    Speaking of translations, I need to go play with a translator again. Translating quotes from English to German to Spanish to Chinese and back to English produces some lulzy results.

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  41. I've no idea what Chinese dialect is being used in your translator programme, but Cantonese lends itself to better 'lulzy' results than Mandarin would. Mandarin has a accurate Pinyin system whereas Cantonese does not.

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  42. Congratulations Randy. You have made the most pedantic observation on Star Wars ever. That is pretty damn impressive.

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  43. I dunno, I have a Chinese friend who's Mandarin and she says some pretty funny stuff.

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  44. Welcome. Have a clear and Kletskerk I'm not a great webcomic (still used.) Oh, too many fans have been caught in the artificial cultivation of new line is part of a nerd and do not dare to admit, comics at the moment is terrible. Although still have the opportunity to new comic, I think they need more and more cynicism that intentional iron to them. It was once known as "PunkAs.com: overrated, but then was overvalued, it was terrible fall. Kletskerk so horrible. I read all comments and responses, I feel the need, but if you want to talk to me, probably respond to your e-mail

    English->Chinese->Afrikaans->Catalan->English

    Why is this not already a meme?

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  45. Randall is about 6 years late

    http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Earth

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  46. Cameron said:

    "....I dunno, I have a Chinese friend who's Mandarin and she says some pretty funny stuff....."

    You have a Chinese friend who's Mandarin? That is funny!
    All my Chinese friends are, well, erm, Chinese.

    Gwailo cunt!

    Word Verification: 'yinglu' which means 'Nine Iron' in the Say Yip Wah Chinese dialect.

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  47. Lame. Chinese Chinese aren't nearly as fun to be around as Mandarin Chinese.

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  48. "You have a Chinese friend who's Mandarin? That is funny!
    All my Chinese friends are, well, erm, Chinese."

    ALTF once again proving that (s)he's the undisputed xkcdsucks champion of grammar correction.

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  49. Actually, Anonymous 11:28, it wasn't a grammar or even syntax correction, it was a humourous nominative malapropism.
    Sorry it was wasted on you. Cameron and I will 'dumb down' our palaver for your future cognition.

    And I'm a member of the homogametic sex.

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  50. The alt-text ruined the context of the joke for me.
    If it was just Luke being dumb for the sake of being dumb it would have been an ok comic like any other you'd see in other webcomics.

    Without the alt-text it's silly if a bit dumb itself (which is far above randall's standard at this point), but with the alt-text it's pedantic and stupid.

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  51. My third favourite.

    I do not accept the homo/hetero binary model.

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  52. I think the joke would would be terrible with or without the alt text.

    Without the alt text and title, the joke is just "LOL HE IS DUMB AND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT WORD MEAN"

    With the alt text, the joke is some pedantic crap about etymology in star wars.

    Anon 9:47, I'm gonna go ahead and place that wiki article at a 100% influence rating for this strip.

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  53. I believe the correct expression is "how... HETERONORMATIVE".

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  54. ALTF, what sort of genitalia do you have?

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  55. Yins are all held captive by your Judeo-Christian sexism. Y'all just can't figure out how to deal with my KINKSian LOLAesque demeanor can you?

    Lose the egos and embrace my culture - a culture where polyandry is de rigueur.

    Not quite Ann Apolis, we are talking about gametes here, not gender roles.
    XX
    XY
    XXY
    XYY
    XO
    et cetera

    Capn,
    I've an alphabet's worth of Hep infections.

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  56. Ah, OK. Is that cisnormative then?

    Polyandry, free love: you are very much a dedicated follower of passion aren't you?

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  57. See Jane run.
    Run Jane run.
    See Dick run.
    Run faster Jane.

    Titles of my Children's books:

    "You're crying and that's why Daddy drinks."
    "Janey was bad and that's why Mommy stopped loving her."
    "Candy from strangers tastes best."


    Ahhhhhhh....
    XYY Super Males!
    Memories I say.

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  58. Polyandry, 'cause in my culture women rule and the heterogametes are the weaker sex.

    This is true actually.

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  59. Perhaps I've been too cryptic.
    I carry a robust 46XX karyotype. I am neither cis-, trans nor ultra norminative/gendered.
    I am 'standard' female.
    I am a girl but I appear to compose/write as a male would. The West treats its men and women differently, as does my culture, but in my culture the roles are reversed.
    I imply Polyandry to mean 'many legal husbands' not 'free love'.

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  60. And I did get the 'dedicated follower of passion' reference.
    Ray Davies is a real cunt. You know that right?

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  61. A hep alphabet huh?

    Great now she's on re-runs, this is worse than Gilligan's Island.

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  62. Jon Levi's forum-watchApril 25, 2011 at 1:48 PM

    Funniest post ever:

    "SirMustapha wrote:
    >I just discovered what Hell is like, if it exists:
    >It's watching a film with Randall.
    >I wouldn't wish that even to Randall himself.

    I think Randall would enjoy that.

    Two Randall clones watch A New Hope, Death Star blows up.
    Randall 1: Well, there's no way that that explosion could happen in space.
    Randall 2: Fire needs oxygen to burn, and a shock wave needs a medium to carry it.
    Randall 1: Gee Willikers, I was just thinking that. Randall, get out of my head!
    Randall 2: No Randall, get out of MY head!
    Both Randalls: HAHAHAHA!"

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  63. so how about that moon landing hoax, eh?

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  64. Giligan's Island?
    I had to research that.
    I don't understand Capn.

    Viral Hepatitis exists in A, B, C, D, E and the hypothetical F strains.
    I'm collecting them all.
    An alphabet's worth? That's funny, innit?

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  65. Well, this is depressing

    My browser has been keeping a count of how many times I've visited this site. So far it's up to 1150 visits.

    I'd be curious to know your shameful figures. Anyone using Firefox can access this info by clicking Tools->Page into, then Security.

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  66. New comic is fail. "Lol, why are they using Indo-European word roots in proper nouns? So unrealistic! Hurp, they should have done the entire movie in a conlang, because I don't understand translation conventions derp derp I am a Randall."

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  67. jon levi 48: i remember when fernie used to be a crazy xkcd fanboy

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  68. Today, Abstruse Goose is...

    awful. Here are some things which do the same thing but are actually funny:

    Milton Jones: "Amnesty International. What a bunch of whingers. Always going on about people being wrongfully imprisoned. Why don't they celebrate the number of people who are rightfully imprisoned?"

    Or the "no-one died" segment from The Day Today.

    Note in both of these cases we are laughing at them not with them. I guess if you laugh at Abstruse Goose guy rather than with him today's comic kinda works.

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  69. But somehow magic laser swords and philosophical sorcery and more believable.

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  70. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  71. You guys don't understand this comic at all. It's supposed to make you talk about parsecs.

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  72. Everybody left and right
    Break it down

    Back in '79 I did the John Belushi
    In 1992 I did the Chris Farley
    In 2008 I did the Cloverfield monster
    I said fuck that shit and went back to the Belushi

    It's like gas gas
    Gas gas gas
    Back in the day it's like
    Gas gas gas
    I know what it takes to make things worse
    And I know what it takes to put a nigger in a hearse
    I'M ON CRACK
    (Break break break break it down)

    Blow to the right
    Blow to the left
    Blow to the right
    To the left

    This little piggy in the market
    Some motherfuckers wanna start shit
    Asian people love golf (What?)
    Asian people love golf!

    Gas gas
    Gas gas gas
    Back in the day it's like
    Gas gas gas
    I know what it takes to make things worse
    And I know what it takes to put a nigger in a hearse
    I'M ON CRACK
    (Break break break break it down)

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  73. They have indo-european roots because we're, more or less, viewing a translation into an indo-european language.

    Or is he going to wonder why some Lotr characters have names that mean things in Old English without there actually being an England? Because that's a brilliant observation. At all.

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  74. And look, another review where Megan is mentioned.

    Does this mean the blog is pretty much useless trash? Yes. Yes it does.

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  75. so a single five-character word is enough to completely strip a post of all value? really?

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  76. If you read the whole review with the voices of Bob and Doug McKenzie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsgVspgy184) it becomes twice as awesome.

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  77. @John

    Hey look, you mentioned Megan in your post, so I can just ignore your comment because it's trash.

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