"[a] vitriolic and bitter collection of unwarranted nastiness about a silly and harmless comic."
Welcome. This is a website called XKCD SUCKS which is about the webcomic xkcd and why we think it sucks. My name is Carl and I used to write about it all the time, then I stopped because I went insane, and now other people write about it all the time. I forget their names. The posts still seem to be coming regularly, but many of the structural elements - like all the stuff in this lefthand pane - are a bit outdated. What can I say? Insane, etc.
I started this site because it had been clear to me for a while that xkcd is no longer a great webcomic (though it once was). Alas, many of its fans are too caught up in the faux-nerd culture that xkcd is a part of, and can't bring themselves to admit that the comic, at this point, is terrible. While I still like a new comic on occasion, I feel that more and more of them need the Iron Finger of Mockery knowingly pointed at them. This used to be called "XKCD: Overrated", but then it fell from just being overrated to being just horrible. Thus, xkcd sucks.
Here is a comic about me that Ann made. It is my favorite thing in the world.
1223: Minecraft, check. Dwarf Fortress, check. Turning every in-game FSM into a turing-complete processor, check. Did I manage to include everything you like this time? Please keep reading and buying posters.
ReplyDeletefirst
DeleteRob had a goomhr moment! ha ha!
ReplyDeletePau no cu do first!
ReplyDeleteHa ha, Randy referenced a recent news story alongside a game I am aware of! This is the height of comedy!
ReplyDeleteWrong!
DeleteThe height of comedy, and its subsequent hilarity, resides in reading dross from cunts who end sentences with prepositions.
they're not bad things to end sentences with.
Deletedyswidt??? LOLLLLLLLL
1223 - Leave it to Randy to take a critically important issue of our times and find a way to go against the grain.
ReplyDeletePOLL: If Randy ever found someone else out there with the same opinion as he, would he a) rush hastily back and alter his own opinion so he's unique again, b) hack the other guy's opinion, c) just post a comic in which he does b), or d) go into anaphylactic shock?
e) All of the above.
DeleteGuys, what's the closest someone can be related to you, and you KNOW how they're related to you, for it to not be weird if you date? Because my...second cousin, I think? is really, really hot.
ReplyDeleteNot creepy, go ahead.
DeleteEven your mom would be fine! I'm not related to her in any way.
Deleteyou don't need to worry about it, no woman will ever love you
Delete>woman
Delete>love
Your inexperience with heterosexuality is evidfent, Rob.
spring's first flowering
Deleteas i suck a million cocks
passes unnoticed
What of the second and subsequent flowerings?
DeleteThey also go unnoticed during your concomittant nasogastric lavage?
Average volume of ejaculate is 2 - 5 ml. One million turgid semen delivery spigots would produce 2 - 5 cubic meters. It's gonna take you 1,250 - 500 unnoticed "Springs" to fill a standard Olympic sized swimming pool!
You're gonna need some help!
Don't be silly A, he can fill it with a single puke.
DeleteRob is many things, but a "Cum Dumpster" with that volume capacity? I think not.
DeleteA kiddie splash pool, maybe, but a Phelpsian volume?
No.
Alas.
if you are offering your assistance ALTF i am happy to accept
DeleteI'd be of no use to you Rob, I really suck at fellatio.
DeleteApologies, that was bad. I am otherwise involved in luring Anthony Bourdain to my lair and have little left for you lot.
Nothing personal. You understand.
I believe I told you Bourdain does not eat dogs!
ReplyDeleteI do recall.
DeleteWhat of it? I'll be eating him!!!!!!!?!!
oh my god 1225 isnt even anything
ReplyDelete1225 is the withered paw feebly lifted from the bed. It rises, thick sloshing strands of congealed gravy extending from its atrophied clutch. The ashen clusters Randall brings into the world float forward as a dried husk does, empty and sheer in the wind. With rasping cough and cracking lips, Randall beholds his idea and, through all manner of blind arrogance, croaks out his proclamation on the vile aberration: "Juicy".
DeleteIts the greatest intersection of sloth and gluttony that he could bother to muster. A graph joke that isn't a graph. A poster comic that isn't a poster. That isn't a comic or a joke.
I wish I could say I was surprised, but we all know that within a year he's going to push a comic that is literally only a picture of Pi, and the same chorus of shrieking rapacious fanatics will cry out in onerous unison. "inb4 Randall Christ"
The internal consistency of your florid metaphor-cum-simile is atrocious.
Delete"sloshing strands of congealed gravy" and "ashen clusters....as a dried husk"
For shame Sleeper, for shame!
Somewhere in there I lost the bit where it was Randall's wheezing, weaseling shamble of a body lying prostrate by a laptop coughing out ideas as dry as they are hollow, but I removed the transition for use instead in our grand homage: Of Rob and Men.
DeleteThat "wheezing, weaseling" juxtaposition would have been a nice throwback to Mr. Joyce in celebration of Bloomsday. You let us down, man.
Deletehttp://www.toothpastefordinner.com/042208/writing-out-my-life-plan.gif
ReplyDeleteThis seems to be Randy's plan.
Meh!
DeleteSix of one and 210 divided by 31 plus 4 of the other.
Your attempt at a clever rephrasing of that popular idiom is rubbish!
DeleteYou have violated the cardinal rule of "Operator Precedence"! This is not a simple commutative and associative operation; the order in which the terms are considered does matter.
Yer shite, ALT-F!
Your mathematical flight of fancy does not produce the intended answer: “6” - a half dozen.
Moron!
Try this: "Six of one and 210 divided by 105 plus 4 of the other"
To force addition to precede multiplication you need to employ parentheses ( ), square brackets [ ], curly brackets { }, or angle brackets < >. The use of corner brackets ｢｣, which denote the integer floor and ceiling functions, would be rather foolish in this context and wouldn't be appropriate.
I won’t say I hate you Bilious, but you now appear to be quite alien to anything I've ever liked before.
DeleteSetting out to mock cancer away only to become cancer himself? An xkcd fan would call it an intentional meta joke. A person with basic literacy would call it ironic. I, as part of the fine xkcd sucks crowd, call it a "fuck you randall die you little shit."
DeleteAnonymous June 15, 2013 at 1:05 PM blurted,
Delete".......I, as part of the fine xkcd sucks crowd, call it......."
If you were actually part of the 'xkcdsucks crowd' you'd know that it is anything but 'fine'.
Accordingly?
Fuck off.
Good point. It is very fortunate you were here to highlight this unperceived aspect.
DeleteI am always here.
DeleteAnd don't mention it.
ALTF, are you here right now?
Deleteoccupatio on, "I was there earlier but chose not to respond immediately."
no
DeleteVery clever, Aquiraans. Very clever. For your next trick, may I recommend a discussion on the relation between Goedel's first incompleteness theorem and the liar paradox. There's bound to be a Wikipedia article on that.
DeleteYou are, of course, incorrect. There is no such article.
DeletePerhaps I can entice you to write one? I am banned from "writing", or even "editing", Wikipedia articles.
The rapists have absolutely no sense of humour.
I'll have you know my uncle was a the rapist and his patients would all agree his Sean Connery impression was hilarious.
DeletePatient, eh? Who ever heard... of an impotent rapist.
DeleteI hate this Randall prick, here's a comic that took slightly more effort than his.
ReplyDeletehttp://i.imgur.com/XJTaMIR.png
Good grief.
ReplyDeleteYour grief was good.
Look here:
ReplyDeletehttp://pptchurch.com/#/events/vbs-2013-kingdom-rock
The Tutor just sent them this email:
Subject: Copyright Infringement.
Your use of the image of "King Mufasa", from "The Lion King", an animated feature film produced by Walt Disney Animation Studios in your advertisement copy is in direct violation of both the Copyright and Trademark legal conventions adhered to by both the United States of America and Canada.
This is, quite simply, theft of another's property.
The Ten Commandments, iterated as they are in Exodus 20:1-17 and Deuteronomy 5:4–21, specifically state "Thou shall not steal".
"Treasures of wickedness profit nothing: but righteousness delivereth from death." Proverbs 10:12
"He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness,..." Matthew 19:18
Theft today; is adultery, the bearing of false witness or even murder now in your future?
I will pray for you.
Regards,
Bilious C. Pudenda
Followed by an email to the Walt Disney Animations Studio Legal Department:
ReplyDeleteSubject: Copyright Infringement
I am not sure if this is of any concern to you, but these christians are infringing Walt Disney Animation Studios copyright..
http://pptchurch.com/#/events/vbs-2013-kingdom-rock
Image(s) of "King Mufasa" from "The Lion King", and god knows what else, are being used.
I figure a boiler-plate "Cease and Desist" email ought to do the trick. Be sure to include threats of litigation of "Biblical Proportions".
And yes, I am an over-educated, under-stimulated and bored reprobate.
Regards,
Bilious C. Pudenda
That was good. Thank him.
DeleteNo response to either emails, as yet. We'll keep y'all updated though.
DeleteA free man who remains bored must be an idiot.
Deletei don't think he really meant it, 3:37.
DeleteYou dumbass.
What the fuck is 1226? Like, what the hell? A guy reads a book, a balloon lowers itself, says "internet" the man is so startled he drops the book, and the balloon floats away. Who the hell thought this was a good idea, that needed to be rendered in a visual medium. Such a person should be stopped from ever producing things in a visual medium ever again.
ReplyDeleteIt was referring to a thing from the news. I chuckled quietly and briefly.
Deletehttp://lmgtfy.com/?q=internet+balloon
Ok, while I admit I wasn't aware of this particular instance of it, I had figured it was supposed to be a server/router in the balloon as a result of some company project. That's not terribly surprising. What's the joke? Why is the guy startled? How does the balloon have the capacity for speech? WTF is happening here? Why am I to find this amusing? Normally the comics have something you could tell was supposed to be a joke, or point out something someone might mistake for interesting. This is just a series of pictures telling an uninteresting and stupid story that doesn't make sense.
DeleteOk, wait, if we consider the phrase found in one of those articles: "beam the internet to small farmers" and take it litterally, the last two panels of this comic could serve as an attempt at humor. The first two are pointless, and could be replaced with something referencing using the phrase. This would inject sense into the subsequent panels and result in something someone might mistake for humor.
It's like all geek endeavours: deliberately complex, and you're "in" if you act like you appreciate it.
DeleteTaken at its serious best, the joke revolves on the idea that having internet suddenly when you didn't before is startling.
DeleteThat's all of it.
What the fuck.
It's funny 'cos it's TOTALLY RAAAAANDOOOOOOM!!!
Deletegdi Rob, when are you going to fuck me?
ReplyDeletepics
Delete8========================:>
DeleteIt's all you need to see anyway isn't it you dirty little fecker.
omg what's wrong with your penis
Deletedid you lose a chunk of it in 'nam
That's my very long nose between my eyes and a sharp smile, you perverted bastard.
DeleteQuestion, guys, what is your favourite xkcd of all time?
ReplyDeleteSomeone is wrong on the Internet.
DeleteIt's not an original observation - angry, lonely dork refuses to rest while at least one person on the planet doesn't agree with him - but it was memorably executed. And sometimes I get involved in stupid arguments, think, "Oh fuck even Randall has a point to make to me today," and stop.
("Someone the Internet is wrong," would have made for a smoother crescendo. But I'm not going to go so far as to suggest that Randall has ever written flawlessly.)
That one with a kid floating on a barrel.
DeleteI like the one with the labyrinth guards.
DeleteCorrelation, #552
Delete349, Success
Deleteyes randy I've read a terry pratchett book too
ReplyDeleteI haven't. Terry Pratchett is stupid enough to think it's clever to skip over the point of an ancient myth and ingenuously undermine a strictly literal interpretation of the accepted wording of its English translation? Somebody direct me to Discworld Sucks, please.
DeleteHe was referring to the alt-text.
DeleteYou dumbass.
Sorry, I am yet to grasp the concept that alt-texts are the mainstay of xkcd comics.
DeleteRandall's finally done it. This has been the worst week of xkcd ever. All three are grotesquely unfunny. I've seen plagues that got more laughs.
ReplyDelete".......I've seen plagues that got more laughs......"
DeleteAnd they were?
For me, I found the Biblical "Plague of Toads" to be, well, you know, Rana-Lama-Ding-Dong!
Rana - Ha! Nyuck nyuck!
u R making the assumption its an humour web site
DeleteAnd you are fucking illiterate.
DeleteA Buf(f)o(on) even!
Ha!
Rana and Bufo!
I's on a roll today!
My personal favorite is the Grape Plague of Amsterdam.
Delete".....Grape Plague of Amsterdam....."
DeleteYa got me here, I've no idea what yins are on about.
And if it's an amphibian reference, I'll be soooooooo embarrassed.
I'd tell you, but honestly it's not a very good story. Let's just say it's an amphibian reference.
DeleteSince when have I ever been concerned about honesty - especially in its adverbial form?
DeleteI once endured a political speech near the end of which the candidate reminisced about her recent vacation at a Turtle Farm on Grand Cayman Island where she helped those "cute little amphibians" make their way to the sea after hatching.
There is no hope for Western Democracies, I tell ya.
Yeah, at least Hitler threw in some pretty good jokes during his speeches.
DeleteHonesty is important. Like my old pappy always said, being honest is like holding a wet dog: It makes you stink, but at least the dog's happy.
I kinda like the smell of wet dog. Then again, I've a genetic abnormality which also prevents me from experiencing the olfactory sensation of the North American Skunk.
DeleteI can smell ants though, and I doubt any of you lot can do that!
How would you describe the smell of ants?
DeleteSweet, but sickly so. I suspect I am reacting to the formic acid.
DeleteI've been told that many folks consider the odour of ants to be similar to the average American Dorm room toilet. I've never been to an average American Dorm-room, so I wouldn't know.
Well, they can't possibly stink as bad as the movie Antz did.
DeleteOr the music of Adam Ant for that matter.
DeleteUpon learning that pheromones were integral to ant communication, I once thought snorting those fuckers would open me up to a new world of understanding. I was young and stupider. As youth often does, I imagined there were shortcuts to greatness. All I got from the experiment was permanently damaged sinuses and a tingling sensation in the brain.
DeleteIt returns sometimes. The tingle, I mean. Makes me happy and sad. Makes me want to do things. Makes me forget what I do. I don't know. I think there are places ants should never go.
1227: tl;dr F
ReplyDeletePS: Yes, I made the same joke as someone on the first page of the xkcd forum thread for this comic.
DeleteDo you want a fight about it?
Possibly. Which duel protocol did you have in mind?
Delete..
ReplyDelete..
Eumesmopo June 8, 2013 at 1:09 PM
1227: TLDR
..
..
I'm a fucking prophet!
".......I'm a fucking prophet!......"
DeleteIndeed.
Prophets usually die horrible deaths. Are you prepared?
So long as it doesn't involve godemichés.
DeleteI said "horrible deaths".
DeleteNot an exquisite and pleasurable prostatic palpation.
Every boy deserves a fierce pedication now and again - does a constitution good it does.
Admit it young man, you yearn to be taken in the Greek fashion and violated in earnest.
I'm ready for my horrible death them. What is it going to be? Marching through the Western Sahara? standing naked on the Commonwealth Bay? Shitting on Jong-Il's photo on the center of Pyongyang? Studying Australia's fauna? Watching a mass from beginning to end?
DeleteI can take it.
"......Studying Australia's fauna?......"
DeleteNo one could possible take that. It's a fate that mimics dieing but without the final release and blissful oblivion that true death would bring. Your only hope is to be declared brain dead and have your organs harvested.
*possibly
Delete*dying
Hurry up!
DeleteDon't strain our patience further!
I requested dibs on your penis and one working testicle, but Rob beat me to it.
Hooker, line and sinker, Eumesmopo, you dumb fuck.
DeleteDearest Anonymous June 22, 2013 at 10:51 AM,
DeleteFuck off!
Eumesmopo and I are as one in dalliance and coquetry.
And fishing metaphors are the last refuge of the unloved.
Self-deprecation can be served straight in London, with ironie du sort in Paris, and flavoured with bitterness in your motherland, but I'm not sure it has ever been successfully delivered in North America.
DeleteEverything in my motherland is flavoured with fish sauce and tamarind, neither of which are bitter.
DeleteYou're right about the geographic distribution of such things, but, to be fair, The Canadas do possess a few gourmands.
Fish and visitors, &c.
Delete"......Fish and visitors, &c....."?
DeleteWill you stop with the fish already?
You sauced it.
DeleteI have sought, and received, a form of lacunar amnesia.
DeleteYou should too.
Without it I wouldn't still be posting here. Its selectivity is unpredictable as [obscure reference to classical warrior and/or orator, confirming erudition], alas.
Deletei sauced too
DeleteALTF, please, please, please visit my blog? We need you. I'm begging you. I'm so lonely.
ReplyDeletealtf what do you think of eumesmopo?
ReplyDeleteALTF IS eumesmopo, dumbass.
Delete:shocked by the revelation:
DeleteNot as shocked as I am, cupcake.
DeleteThen you are all dumbasses
Delete"all"? You contradict yourself, my friend.
DeleteI never contradict myself! Shut up alter-ego 37!
DeleteAm I the only one not a dumbass? Too many dumbasses.
DeleteJust in case someone else ever access this website, I did like you to know that: Yes, this has been a monologue all along.
ReplyDeleteLike a prematurely reincarnated Reaganite lover, Rob cut off the oxygen of competence from this site, but you're the one who keeps delivering the Type 6 stools so stinky that only a nuclear winter can now clear the air.
DeleteAnd, if I may be so meek, a mighty fine monologue indeed.
Deletealtf, what do you think of ravenzomg?
ReplyDeleteAlt-F, what do you think of the Office 2007 move from menu bar to ribbon?
ReplyDeleteALTF, if your eye got poked out in this life,
ReplyDeletewould it be waiting up in heaven with your wife?