Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Comics 989-990: Frozen Humor

989.
cryogenics
[Comic title: Cryogenics; Alt text: 'Welcome to the future! Nothing's changed.' was the slogan of my astonishingly short-lived tech startup.]

So basically this comic betrays Randall's true nature--that is to say, the fact that he is not an engineer but a passive consumer of goods, but he still thinks of himself as an engineer.

Engineers are, of course, the people who are working to produce new things--something Randall hasn't done in a very long time. The idea of an actual engineer, someone who is actually working with technology, deciding to go "eh, I'll just wait thirty years for the tech to become interesting," is kind of implausible. Why would you not want to be a part of that leading edge of innovation? Why would you want to just skirt along on its coattails? Certainly, we want to live in the future we're creating for ourselves, but to be a human, to be a creator, an innovator, is to want to be a part of that creation, however small.

Randall has, apparently, lost this. This isn't surprising, of course. I've mentioned that Randall is a creature who sedately consumes in the review for comic 662. But what is surprising is that he still considers himself an innovator although he is patently not one, and that he seems to believe that all other innovators are like him.

Everyone who is excited about the future, he suggests, would rather skip all the boring bits of "invention" and "design" and "innovation," and instead just want to live in the world where all that shit is done for us!

It makes me truly, profoundly sad to think that there are people out there capable of making this comic.


990.

plastic bags

[Comic title: Plastic Bags; alt text: The high I feel when I actually remember to bring my reusable bags to the store--and take them inside rather than leaving them in the parked car--can last for days.]

So, for some reason Randy is writing a comic about how he (a) doesn't ever remember to bring a reusable shopping bag (b) doesn't like how many bags the people at the grocery store use to bag his order. Okay!

Maybe it's because I have a giant messenger bag that I use for all my shopping, but I do not understand in the slightest why this is a comic. Maybe someone else can enlighten me.

209 comments:

  1. The point was that each bagging situation was supposed to get more and more ridiculous and funny. Except items in bags is incredibly boring and not funny.

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  2. rob rob rob

    i knew you would not get this comic

    i knew it was too avant-garde for you

    the bags are SCROTUMS, right

    why else would all the items be ball shaped

    but they are only balls in the metaphorical sense, in actuality, in the bags, are cartons of milk

    so instead of producing sperm, right, he wants his balls to

    also he has testicular cancer

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  3. The bags one is funny because sometimes people intend to bring reusable bags but keep forgetting so it's very relatable and that's the same thing as funny. Look at this comedy song for instance.

    See? It's very funny indeed.

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  4. I don't really understand the competition. Is it a different checkout person saying 'here you go' each time? basically the competition as the 'comic' describes it was 'let's see who can use the most bags'. so here the first person to try was so hopeless at using the most bags that they used only one? and then the second person was like, 'I can use the most bags better than you!' but still failed to understand what most meant? Even the second to last ten-bag person didn't really understand 'most' did they, I mean, you could use 20 bags per fruit* or 50 or whatever, to make sure you won the competition. So perhaps the 'fact' is 'fun' because it is some kind of comedy of the absurd or something? or is it 'fun' because any average three year old could come up with a better chunk of text to explain the premise of this 'comic'. I mean maybe there is some kind of maths thing going on with arranging the fruits* by size but it's not explained, so that is a generous interpretation i think. Otherwise we have to assume that typing this post has taken me longer than 'drawing' this 'comic' took.

    *I am choosing to imagine here that the shopping is one large melon, a grapefruit, and three things that are most likely oranges, or some form of orange for example satsumas (by the end they have got quite small) otherwise them just being round blobs would not make sense and it would just look like someone unbelievably lazy couldn't even arse themselves to try to draw tin cans or boxes or anything that looked like shopping at all.

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  5. Items in bags GENERALLY is boring, but not necessarily so! For example, if you draw plastic bags as boring little square U-shaped things, and items as boring stupid little circles, things get very exciting! You can IMAGINE all the incredible things that those circles could be! You can visualise, like, IN YOUR HEAD, the actual plastic bags! In other words, YOU CAN DO RANDALL'S JOB FOR HIM!

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  6. also the hair thing bothers me more each time. I used to not care so much, i mean I thought it was awful but it didn't actively creep me out, but now it really does. Stick figures, OK, if you insist. Stick figures that you occasionally add clothes to, implying that the rest of the time they're naked - it's awful, but it's your drawing. But a head with hair and no face is just deeply wrong and disturbing and wrong. Either they have features or they don't. Doing something in the middle makes it look like something a serial killer would draw in art therapy to explain what the voices in his head told him about women. I'm not saying Mr Munroe is a dangerous lunatic but I would really urge him to reconsider his 'style'.

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  7. This is a well-known result in higher non-humanities math for scientists.

    Megan's Theorem: For all X,K,C,D, it takes longer for me to write this than it took to both write and draw x, k, c and d.

    Randall's Postulate: But not the tooltip

    To prove Megan's Theorem, assume the contrary: believe xkcd is a great comic that takes a fair amount of research and work to accomplish. Buy merchandise. Debate and defend xkcd on blogs and forums. After enough of that, how do you feel? Right. QED Megan's Theorem is proved by contradiction.

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  8. what is this baggotry

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  9. Wait- a timely update from Rob?!

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  10. Someone with moderate artistic ability needs to sketch a political cartoon of Randy suckling on Megan's cancerous breast, the breast labelled "austerity" and Randy "banking system".

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  11. rob you prescriptivist fool that's exactly what my grocery store baggers do oh wait there are no such things anymore and everyone bags their own groceries what kind of rich-ass stores does randle shop at anyway

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  12. now now, on a couple of occasions the retards at the checkout have attempted to bag my stuff for me. it typically results in them putting a loaf of bread in first, then something breakable like eggs, and then trying to shove in 2 bottles of coke on top - followed shortly by me saying something to the effect of 'no, i wont be paying for that. i'll go get some things you havnt destroyed, and then maybe pay you.' - and them looking confused and hurt.

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  13. I dunno, I visited this really big store the other day and they had some kind of bagging device at checkout and the cashier managed to pack my measly purchase in up to 5 different bags, which I then repacked into 3. This all was a new thing to me, because generally in this country we're supposed to bag things ourselves.

    Then today I see this comic on xkcdsucks. I don't know if I should be revulsed by the dreaded GOOMH happening to me, or just chalk it up as an unfortunate coincidence.

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  14. Avoid checkout counters. My grocer offers free shipping.

    I shall now become wider than my home's portals can adequately provide egress. Perhaps even rivaling Rob's own immensity.

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  15. 5 white circles in 5 bags. how zany

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  16. The massive white gap above the panels in 990 bothers me for some reason. Surely there could have been a more visually appealing and efficient way to present this 'information' than a massive, clumsy block of text above the comic proper?

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  17. Nope, I can't suspend my disbelief here. Randall goes shopping for what appear to be groceries? No way. Grocery shopping is a waste of time (951), money (980), and food (854).

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  18. @R

    It's 10 bags idiot, they double bagged everything, fucking faggot. FUCK YOU, YOU NAZI LOVING FACIST!

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  19. I hate my family.

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  20. The reason that is not funny is because once again Randall has taken an imagined grievance which he thinks happens to other people all the time (it doesn't), and then tries to extrapolate to the point of ridiculousness to acheieve humour. A tried and true method, for sure, but 1) this is not a thing anyone else in the world has noticed, and 2) nobody would give even a single shit about it if it was.

    Maybe this is GOOMH-bait for people with severe mental illness.

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  21. The premise of the bagging one is just stupid. If you notice a cashier using a lot of bags it's not because their goal is to waste a ton, or because they're incompetent (which I think is the underlying suggestion of the comic), but because the plastic bags that stores use nowadays are completely shit. Any large rectangular item (of which there are none in the comic, which is odd because most things you buy are in boxes and not just round things rolling around) is quite likely to break through the bag with its corners. So the cashier is just trying to avoid the situation where the bag breaks on you in the parking lot and your stuff falls everywhere. But yeah, make a comic mocking them, why not.

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  22. I work at a grocery store and the new comic made me rage. If I put a wine bottle in one of our bags, it's liable to rip in the parking lot. That's one fucking bottle.

    Then you have the people who think they know everything about bagging, and bitch and scream if you put two different meats together, or if you put "too much" in a bag despite it being an arbitrary definition of "too much" so it's better to use too many bags than have some bitch yell at you.

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  23. 8:58 = bagboy for Walmart

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  24. 9:39, Cashier at Foodlion actually. When you're accused of "disrespecting" someone's groceries because you hastily put some bread on top of some eggs because there's a huge line and you don't have a bagger, you tend to think shoppers are mentally handicapped.

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  25. It's not a good comic, but I'm surprised nobody else has the same sort of experiences. When I drop by the supermarket and just buy a bottle of milk, a large bottle which has an inbuilt handle for easy carrying, they put it in a bag. They are obsessed with the use of bags. They give me strange looks when you tell them you don't need so many bags because I'm only carrying them to my car. I don't like it.

    One time I bought two packets of pasta, and had the foresight to say "I don't need a bag, thanks." The guy put them in a bag anyway. I asked him what he was doing. He said, "it's alright, you can have a bag. You have two items, it's not fair." I didn't protest because I was so infuriated with his illogical disobedience that any protest I aired would have involved punching the fuckwit in the face.

    Then there are the people who make a big deal of your not using plastic bags, as though you are a paragon of ethical existence just because you don't like unnecessary waste. It should be common practice, it isn't any more difficult, but no. People have to make you seem like you're being special. Randall wouldn't mock this particular experience because he's probably a smug bastard about it (see the comic about recycling).

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  26. What's really annoying is when you pay in cash and they neatly stack your hard change on top of the receipt on top of your bills. Then you have to fish the receipt out of there and throw it in the bag and then put your change away.

    That would still be a horribly boring comic, though.

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  27. One time I bought two packets of pasta, and had the foresight to say "I don't need a bag, thanks." The guy put them in a bag anyway. I asked him what he was doing. He said, "it's alright, you can have a bag. You have two items, it's not fair." I didn't protest because I was so infuriated with his illogical disobedience that any protest I aired would have involved punching the fuckwit in the face.

    9:54, how exactly do you manage in day-to-day life? Are you a princess IRL or do you just play one online?

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  28. I don't forget my reusable shopping bags. It only takes once or twice having to go back to the car and get them before you remember to bring them.

    Randall is the kind of lazy fuck that doesn't just go back out and get the bags.

    Buying reusable bags is severely retarded as well.


    Cllect the plastic bags, press several layers of them between wax paper, then apply a medium temperature iron. Presto: stronger reusable shopping bags.

    Now, if you want larger bags, or because you were too moronic to figure out how to arrange for the bags not to seal up when you ironed them: Cut them into long strips and weave a larger plastic bag.

    Reusing is greener than recycling.

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  29. They don't have people to put your stuff in bags at supermarkets here. you have to do it yourself. which is good because it avoids all the imaginary problems described in this xkcd. Whether or not the competition is a real thing, it's so massively fucking stupid that the shopper is surprised every single time at what has happened to his fruit.

    what was he doing while all these bags were being wilfully packed and unpacked and repacked? Focusing his attention on higher thoughts? Or perhaps he was struck temporarily mute. or forgot the English language words for 'I don't need those bags thanks anyway' or 'no last time I protested that there were too many bags already so the fact that you would add more means you must be deliberately treating this like some kind of fucking Beckett play where half of us pretend it's opposite day or some other such fucked up ridiculousness'.

    this could have been avoided if he could have been arsed to make the fruits into boxes or cylinders or whatever so each panel was different so we would decide it was subsequent visits to the shop. and if he cut the idiotic competition thing. it would still be fucking inane but it might at least feel like someone semi-human had authored it.

    the fact that I have now posted so much stuff about this one pointless little comic distresses me. I mean, the Money one is ten thousand little squares worse than this, partly because the idea that someone could spend all that time simply listing the prices of things and be lauded as some kind of super economic genius instead of someone who literally just listed the prices of some things is fundamentally depressing and makes me despair of the human race, and partly because the 'There. I showed you it' phrase is SO REPELLENTLY FUCKING SMUG it makes me want to buy the giant sized poster just so I can roll it up and shove it down the throat of the person that wrote it.
    and yet somehow here I am, ranting about this piece of lazy shite instead.

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  30. Going "green" is for leftfags. Just throw that shit in the lake. The fish will know what to do with it.

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  31. Sure, freeze all the engineers... They'll all be dead, or woken up -- No one would be left who's competent enough to maintain the cryostasis systems.

    That, or a prosperous enlightenment period occurs due to all the patent holding asswipes being unable to assert bogus claims and thus inhibit progress.

    They'll awake to find themselves the only suckers still on Earth, and in debt for the rest of their days to repay the kind coal and nuclear energy companies for 30 years of services +hikes (being their only remaining customers).

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  32. 9:38 = 9:39 = 9:48 = samebag.

    Also, cptnoremac, GOOMH! This happens to me all the time, and we don't even live in the same country (apparently). I never got vocal about that, and I never realised that I shared that pet peeve with someone.

    As for the bags thing, I hardly ever had any bother with that. The only times I got somewhat upset are when they put a whole load of stuff in a single bag, because then it becomes a REAL inconvenience. I got to the store by foot, and having the constant risk of the bag breaking halfway home is a big shit.

    Maybe I should start buying random white balls and carrying them on square U-shaped things. It might make my life a whole lot easier!

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  33. scott, i did that on purpose. it was actually a clever troll, you see

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  34. this from the forums is enjoyable:

    '"The high I feel when I actually remember to bring my reusable bags to the store--and take them inside rather than leaving them in the parked car--can last for days.”

    That's probably from all the germs that tend to gather in those reusable bags if you don't clean them regularly.

    (Although, the carts and baskets you gather your groceries in probably don't fare much better, thanks to parents who bring along their germ-riddled children and adults who can't be bothered to wash properly before venturing into a communal space)

    Personally, I prefer the self-checkout - I don't buy that much myself, so it's quick as long as nobody is in front of me in the line, and I can usually bag my own, although I might have to wave off a bagger. I find the baggers to be the inefficient ones - they'll do things like put your milk and bread in the same bag so your bread gets squished and the package gets damp. Plus, anything I can do to keep additional people from touching my food seems like a win to me.'

    I suspect you have many bigger problems than germs, my friend

    captcha: ROCKSOD.

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  35. I was going to mention that this thread is all first world problems, but most people in the first world don't give a shit about these issues.

    So please, everyone, shut the fuck up.

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  36. 11:16, complaining about things is a traditional human pastime. It's a way of socializing. It just happens that first worlders have to pick more minor things.

    In conclusion, telling people to stop complaining is like telling chickens to stop clucking. Meaning it's dumb. Because they can't understand you.

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  37. Having been asked for some strange reason to "help a cashier bag" while working, I'm just gonna go out and say that we do these things because we hate you. You and every other customer who we don't find particularly attractive.

    That is all.

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  38. >ravenzomg
    >judging **others** on perceived attractiveness

    Stay classy

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  39. I thought comic 990 was one of the worst ones he has done in a while. Not funny or interesting, nothing going on at all really.

    yes sometimes people forget things. Lets move on.

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  40. I'm hoping Randall quits right after 999, just to troll all his bibbling worshipers who've already prewritten 10-page essays gushing over the majesty and brilliance of whatever he has planned for 1000.

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  41. @Anon110: Have two people, one objectively attractive and one objectively unattractive, in the same line and tell me they get the same service. What is this, Soviet Russia? We fought (proxy) wars so we could discriminate against people for aesthetic reasons.

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  42. Also as the ugliest of god's creations I'm allowed to judge people, because i'm pretty sure he put in a moral loophole like in cards when you're the player with the lowest score.

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  43. It's CRYONIC freezing, Randall! XkcSLAM!

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  44. Rob, you fucking overweight hipster. Why don't you just burn plastic grocery bags to power your house, like everyone else.

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  45. Randall Munroe walks into a bar and orders a glass of Megan's breast milk

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  46. Anon146, you're mistaking Randall for a scientist, rather than a science enthusiast. Or mistaking him for someone who googled "cryogenics" and who looked beyond the first result(Wikipedia). To his credit, if we ignore the second hit (A foundation dedicated towards research in Cryonics) and assume he used Wikipedia, the Wikipedia page on Cryogenics doesn't mention Cryonics except under "definitions and distinctions", and Randall Munroe is not a man who needs to be pandered to over such simple technicalities which he surely understands in greater depth than any mere wikipedia contributer would, so he probably skipped over that section. In fact, if Randall "I Don't Get Do-overs" Munroe says it's Cryogenics, I'm pretty sure you, the internet, and the English language are all wrong in fact.

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  47. lol @ all the baggot cashiers in the xkcdsucks comments

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  48. "Rob, you fucking overweight hipster. Why don't you just burn plastic grocery bags to power your house, like everyone else."

    look, everyone knows i don't have a house

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  49. "Everyone who is excited about the future, he suggests, would rather skip all the boring bits of "invention" and "design" and "innovation," and instead just want to live in the world where all that shit is done for us!

    It makes me truly, profoundly sad to think that there are people out there capable of making this comic."



    Why are you pretending to take this oh so seriously and then attack xkcd for it? There is no possible way you actually are THAT retarded.

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  50. "Why are you pretending to take this oh so seriously and then attack xkcd for it? There is no possible way you actually are THAT retarded. "

    pretty sure I'm attacking Randy for it, not xkcd. do pay attention.

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  51. Capn, as the guy with the most privileged background posting on this blog, I'm going to have to say that everyone wealthy and powerful is a lying, thieving, hypocritical shit and that being a bag boy is probably one of the last remaining honest jobs in America.

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  52. Yeah, couldn't possibly be because some people are smarter than you.

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  53. Boy I just found out about this site, I have no clue if your seriously mad at this guy for little stick figure comics. I like xkcd, I'm not gonna defend it's honor or anything but what I can tell you is that the silly little joke in each strip makes me smile. If I don't get the joke or it was not intended to be funny, I shrug it off and wait another day. You on the other hand can put your vast vocabulary and judgement to better use. You should go find every incredible garbage comic and slather some hate butter on those things OR find a good comic and slather some constructive judgmental criticism that other fans couldn't tell their favorite artist about. Offer the bad to the best and let them improve. I find xkcd not to be taken super duper seriously, but it seems that you made some nice friends here, as close as you can get on a blog anyway. Keep doing what you want to do Rob, but consider applying yourself to other stuff to. Maybe you can even make videos and add some of your Rob humor that people here clamor at your site for. Most importantly though is to no get super worked up on these strips, in the end it's just ones and zeroes.

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  54. i don't :(

    i was getting a degree. then i found this site. i was forced to drop out to spend more time rereading each xkcd strip, hate increasing every time

    worth it

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  55. I actually laughed at the cryogenics one :P

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  56. @10:17 I'm trying to be offended by that, but it's just too pathetic. Sorry.

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  57. 6:11, what couldn't possibly be? Written language isn't that hard. You can't just make up an intermediate thought in your head and refer to "it" in argument.

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  58. I know, right, 9:24? Wanting to punch the guy packing bags because he doesn't "obey" you? Lol @ career student Himmlers.

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  59. My favourite part about this site is reading comments that translate as:
    "I hate the author of this webcomic! I hate him so much I've found out his first name, and his girlfriends first name, and the specifics of her unfortunate medical condition"
    I had been happily reading XKCD for years without knowing any of these things!

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  60. 3:49, it's not like all that information is posted on the xkcd website by the author of the comic

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  61. "I hate the author of this webcomic! I hate him so much I've found out his first name, and his girlfriends first name, and the specifics of her unfortunate medical condition"

    Hey, a little respect, do ya? It took us years of really hard work to find out all of those things -- especially the "medical condition" part, which Randall made sure to rub on everyone's face for about two months straight.

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  62. CANCER CANCER CANCER CANCER CANCER CANCER CANCER
    CANCER CANCER really boring joke CANCER CANCER
    CANCER CANCER CANCER CANCER CANCER CANCER CANCER

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  63. Indictus

    It matters not how straight her gait
    How charged with little hairs her mole.
    I'm not the mastur of my bate
    I'm not the mistress of my pole.

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  64. Haha, fap joke. You're so original.

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  65. Here's the Master returning,
    A cigar 'tween his lips,
    Hurrah! for the Master
    Who smokes while he whips!

    He knows how to tackle
    Two pleasures at once-
    The taste of the baccy
    The smart of the Dunce.

    So he puffed like a demon!
    And fiercely cut in,
    Till you hardly could pick out
    An inch of whole skin.

    Then he took a new country,
    And he striped the white thighs,
    Till the old hall re-echoed
    A tempest of cries.

    O! firm was his muscle!
    And supple his wrist,
    And he handled the Rod,
    With a terrible twist,

    But muscles grow weary,
    And arms lose their powers,
    There's an end for all nice things,
    For floggings - like flowers.

    Shrieks Frank Fane, "I'm dying!"
    Says Redgy," You a'nt,
    And if you go off
    In a bit of a faint,

    We'll soon thrash you back
    Into living again,
    You've not done with swishing
    Just yet - Master Fane!"

    Now the whipping is over,
    And the culprit is free,
    I don't think he'll sit down,
    This evening for tea!

    And when in a fortnight
    He's turned down once more,
    I fancy he'll find
    His bottom still sore.

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  66. Anonycunt @ 6:30 AM said,

    ".....Haha, fap joke. You're so original....."

    It's a 'don't have to 'fap'' joke, ya arsehole.

    You're right about the original part though.

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  67. Dicksmash McIroncockDecember 15, 2011 at 7:08 AM

    After hours of careful observation, I've determined the formula for ALTF.

    Given input from user: [Statement part A], [Statement part B]
    return: [Variation on A] + [Agreement with B] + "Cunt"

    Now if someone could just take that pseudocode and turn it into something a compiler can parse, we'll have an ALTF AI we can send to any forum we want. Nobody will be able to tell the difference.

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  68. shutup dicksmash, altf is amazing. i got her to blow me all night with a blindfold on. lets see your ai do that

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  69. "....Nobody will be able to tell the difference...."

    Even I couldn't. Assuming the AI is I enough.

    The blindfold was for the protection of the audience I reckon. Yes?

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  70. same time tonight altf?

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  71. ... why was she wearing a blindfold?

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  72. i want you to beg for each bill. can you humble yourself enough to beg?

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  73. rob is it true that you are fat in real life or is that just like a thing that people say on here

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  74. God this comic makes me want to drink a big cup of breast milk.

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  75. For your's truly begging is not a humbling experience. I relish its necessary posture of entreaty.

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  76. "your's"

    You fail it. Your skill is not enough. See you next time. Byebye.

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  77. Everyone shut up and revel in the beautiful public school experience of 6:30, even if it isn't original.

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  78. 'Tis sad how low I have to go in my posture of entreaty to entice.

    Query?

    Is the word, 'Byebye' not a hyphenated informal interjection? - Bye-bye?

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  79. There should not be a comma before your quoted word.

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  80. Really?
    You are prevaricating to confuse me aren't you?

    What are your thoughts on my use of the 'a' article specifying the grammatical definiteness of the compound noun 'hyphenated informal interjection' when the Queen's English would call for an 'an'? Especially as my Cockney linguistic association would have me mute the 'h' in speech?

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  81. I like to use "an" before "historic" just because it sounds right, but for most H words, it just sounds stupid.

    I had an hell of a time thinking of an example.

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  82. Nu?

    So you're saying my use of the indefinite article 'a' preceding the word 'hyphenated' does sound right to you and is therefore correct? It does not sound 'right' to me though - I's a Cockney cunt. Which convention should we abide?
    If you are of the Revolted Colonies I reckon your rules should prevail - after all, yins rule the world. Then again, the Brits invented the language, should their views not preponderate?
    Besides, the fact that something sounds right' is hardly a defensible method of determining syntax and grammar, now is it?

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  83. I think as a method of determining how to type when posting on a hate blog it is sufficient.

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  84. You are one that hated not wisely but too well then?

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  85. You go all computer test one?

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  86. "You go all computer test one"?
    Please translate that into either Yankee or Limey would you?

    I pray you, in your letters,
    When you shall these unlucky deeds relate,
    Speak of me as I am; nothing extenuate,
    Nor set down aught in malice. Then must you speak
    Of one that lov'd not wisely but too well;
    Of one not easily jealous, but being wrought,
    Perplex'd in the extreme. . . .

    Othello Act 5, scene 2, 340–346

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  87. What do you look like in a state of undress?

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  88. @11:12
    brown angel delight with some white dog shit on top

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  89. Much like a wild rose, beautiful, calm and fragrant, but willing to draw blood in my defence.

    Undress begets redress, not re-dress.

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  90. GUISE GUISE LET'S DO A FUNNY THING. We quote some classical work of prose or poetry but add a twist at the end by replacing the original romantic ideal with bitter, cynical truth. Let me start.

    A Poison Tree
    I was angry with my friend:
    I told my wrath...

    ...and now we're not friends any more.

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  91. If...

    If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
    And lose...

    ...ask for a bailout

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  92. Mending Wall

    Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
    If I could put a notion in his head:
    "Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it
    Where there are cows?
    But here there are no cows...

    ..only crazy Arabs."

    ReplyDelete
  93. Telephone Conversation

    Silence. Silenced transmission of
    Pressurized good-breeding. Voice, when it came,
    Lipstick coated, long gold rolled
    Cigarette-holder pipped. Caught I was foully.
    "HOW DARK?" . . . I had not misheard . . . "ARE YOU LIGHT OR VERY DARK?" Button B, Button A...

    ...Button B.

    ReplyDelete
  94. Ozymandias

    I met a traveller from an antique land
    Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
    Stand in the desart. Near them, on the sand,
    Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
    And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command...

    ...Tell that she shouldn't have had that second drink with Pickles.

    ReplyDelete
  95. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  96. Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest...

    ...CPR re-training scheduled.

    ReplyDelete
  97. here I sit all broken hearted

    cuz I'm unemployed and have no place to live

    ReplyDelete
  98. Come on, ALTF, I'm sure you can be creative too...!

    ReplyDelete
  99. Dulce et decorum est

    If in some smothering dreams, you too could pace
    Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
    And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
    His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin,
    If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
    Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs
    Bitter as the cud
    Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues, —
    My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
    To children ardent for some desperate glory,
    The old Lie: NHS hospitals are getting cleaner.

    ReplyDelete
  100. I misspelled Poe's name. Now I'm too bitter to play.

    ReplyDelete
  101. Kubla Khan

    IN Xanadu did Kubla Khan
    A stately pleasure-dome decree:

    ...completed £351 million over budget and three months late.

    ReplyDelete
  102. Auld Lang Syne

    Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
    And never brought to mind?

    Yes.

    ReplyDelete
  103. @ Anonycunt @ 2:14 PM

    I WAS playing, you ignoramus!

    Besides, I am a dissimulator, not a simulator.

    ReplyDelete
  104. Nah, you're just a run-of-the-mill troll who seems to dedicate more time to posting here than anyone else. What you can't achieve by beauty, achieve by volume.

    ReplyDelete
  105. What ever gets me through the day.

    Besides, moron, that's what dissimulators do.

    Query?

    For how long must one post here, under an identifiable name, before one loses 'Troll' status? I've been here, on and off, for over a tenth of a decade now.
    Sheesh!

    ReplyDelete
  106. Poe's Law: Always marry your 13-year-old cousin.

    ReplyDelete
  107. Kawasaki's Theorem: a rider can be folded into an organ donor iff...

    ReplyDelete
  108. Green's Theorem: no Green movement achieves anything without the sponsorship of a belligerent foreign government.

    ReplyDelete
  109. Four-Colour Theorem: the countries of the world can all be coloured white, yellow, olive or brown in such a way that regions sharing a common boundary hate each other.

    ReplyDelete
  110. Rice's theorem: only trivial properties of public officials are noticed.

    Corollary: No Change!

    ReplyDelete
  111. Rob's Theorem: the the systematic deconstruction of another man's intellectual property can make up for the inability to do anything worthwhile with ones already meaningless life

    Corollary: self gratification boner!

    ReplyDelete
  112. the new penny arcade guest strip has a reference for a punchline. the reference is to xkcd

    like rob, it has come full circle

    ReplyDelete
  113. you are only saying that because i am so fat that i am infinitely large and therefore am a perfect circle

    ReplyDelete
  114. >2011
    >still reads Penny Arcade

    I seriously hope you guys don't do that

    ReplyDelete
  115. I'm not clear on why you think being infinitely large would somehow make you a perfect circle, Rob. For one thing, I believe you are three dimensional, so at best you are a perfect sphere.

    Also, the new xkcd is extremely bad.

    ReplyDelete
  116. "I believe you are three dimensional"
    shows what you know

    ReplyDelete
  117. 991. Dear god why. What is it supposed to mean? Two guys have stood in line for over a decade waiting to see SW Episode 1, ha ha? Surely there must be some reference I'm missing?

    ReplyDelete
  118. @Radimir

    What you didn't get is the point and the punchline.

    Unfortunately for you, neither has ever existed.

    ReplyDelete
  119. @Radmir, more likely it's a reference to 2012 re-releases in 3d.

    ReplyDelete
  120. What is the point of this? "Star Wars fans are really really really stupid?" I spose in that respect fair enough if he wants to express that opinion, but there are about 75 million funnier ways to say it.

    also, this is the same comic that spent a week doing a sickly Firefly Mary Sue. perhaps a little more embarrassing than queuing to see a film, stupid as that is.

    ReplyDelete
  121. I don't much like Star Wars but I can say with confidence that a lot of Star Wars fans aren't stupid.

    I don't much like xkcd and I can say with confidence that all xkcd fans are stupid. Not a single exception. Not even you, angry reader.

    ReplyDelete
  122. I simply don't understand this at all. But that might be because in supermarkets around here, you simply pack your own things, and there is usually a selection of three different bags, plastic with handles, sturdy and very durable paper with handles and much bigger extremely sturdy and very durable paper with handles. You choose the ones you like by estimating the volume of your purchases, pay for them and pack them as you like. Done. And, WTF is double bagging? Do you really have bags so crappy you need to put one in the other for them to hold together?

    The shops that put things in bags for you here are usually more specialised, and you usually don't shop carts full to the brim of stuff in them as you do when shopping groceries at a supermarket.

    ReplyDelete
  123. @12:12 In a typical american supermarket or the like, the employees put your things in bags for you, and the bags suck so the heavy things like multiple milk cartons are put in double bags.

    ReplyDelete
  124. In Canada, the milk already comes in bags.

    I bet Randall would blow a load the first time he saw them.

    ReplyDelete
  125. In America, employees come in bags.

    AM

    I

    RITE

    GUISE?

    ReplyDelete
  126. wait guys what was the joke

    ReplyDelete
  127. @3:07 my tombstone will read similarly.

    ReplyDelete
  128. I've got a Rob problem.

    A poster boy of the xkcd haters, Rob steadfastly thanks Megan's milk after every post and, while in college, often inscribed anti-xkcd messages on his eye paint. Homeschooled in Florida, this child of missionaries turned down his selection as a xkcd All American because it was, well, xkcd. His trademark prayerful blog post celebration (imagine Rodin’s “Thinker” on bended knee, or your grandfather davening Tachanun with a football) has become a verb. Google “robbing” and you’ll find 84 million hits, including lots of YouTube parodies. Rob’s mother, a Baptist missionary, became comatose during her pregnancy and was saved by drugs that nearly killed the fetus. Doctors anticipated a stillbirth and recommended termination to protect her life, but Rob’s mother refused to abort. Trumpeting that decision, mother and son appeared in commercials for “Focus on Breast Milk” during this past season’s Super Bowl.

    Now tiny Rob has grown (a lot!) and is on track to possibly appear in this season’s "xkcd sucks" – on the field – and that is what scares me.

    In this country, nothing, not even God, is more popular than hating xkcd. Even in the wake of a summer long labor dispute, 23 of the 25 most watched blog posts this fall have been "xkcd sucks". When you combine the religion that is hating xkcd with the religion that is being fat, the mix can be dangerously flammable. The "xkcd sucks" ratings rise has been fueled in part by Rob’s legions of faithful followers, as well as by those simply curious to see how this implausible morality tale plays out.

    People are always looking for signs of Megan’s beneficence, and a victory by the xkcd haters over the blue-clad Randall Munroe, from the bluest of blue states, will give fodder to a xkcd sucks revivalism that has already turned the Republican presidential race into a pander-thon to xkcd haters, rekindling memories of those cultural icons of the ‘80s, the Moral Majority and “Hee Haw.” The culture wars are alive and well, and, if the current climate in Washington is any indicator, the motors are being revved up for what will undoubtedly be the most cantankerous Presidential campaign ever. When supposedly well-educated candidates publicly question overwhelming scientific evidence on how much xkcd sucks and then gain electoral traction by fabricating conspiracies about a war on breast milk, these are not rational times.

    Into the middle of it all rides Rob. Absolutely confident that Megan's milk is on his side, he comes across as a humbler version of Randall Munroe, who, in this week’s xkcd, audaciously lays claim to being the Chosen One, and then goes out and proves it. Rob’s sanctimonious xkcd sucks-talk has led even pious peers like Carl "Ugly" Wheeler to suggest that he cool it. Randall could have used the same coaching.

    If Rob wins the Super Bowl, against all odds, it will buoy his faithful, and emboldened faithful can do insane things, like burning mosques, bashing gays and indiscriminately banishing immigrants. While America has become more inclusive since Carl Wheeler’s first "xkcd sucks" forays, a Rob triumph could set those efforts back considerably.

    ReplyDelete
  129. So guys' it turns out 14 Branchland Court is infested by unknown critters, and Bob Chandler was actually QUARANTINED before he died due to bug bites? That's seriously fucked up, even by the Branchland Cru's usual standards.
    Anyway, I hope Chris returns to the internet soon. I actually miss the autistic fuck.

    ReplyDelete
  130. Fun fact: stores actually have a competition to see who can spread your items across the LEAST plastic shopping bags.

    Bags cost money and stores don't like wasting it.

    There is nothing about this comic that isn't terrible.

    ReplyDelete
  131. I think the worst thing about being addicted to prescription painkillers and also being an alcoholic at the same time is trying to remember the difference between prescription painkillers which have warnings that say "do not mix with alcohol" which ACTUALLY mean "will be extremely fun to mix with alcohol," and painkillers that have warnings saying "do not mix with alcohol" which mean "No, I'm serious, REALLY don't mix with alcohol."

    ReplyDelete
  132. goomh anon 206, I have that exact problem.

    ReplyDelete
  133. I think the worst thing about people who claim to be addicts is they don't realise that all you have to do is throw away your supplies and stop doing it. If there's a physical cold turkey period then ask someone to lock you in a room for a few days with only bread and water.

    ReplyDelete
  134. The practice of science assumes faith in the effectiveness of memory.

    All attempts to "check" memory, e.g. writing down or peer confirmation, immediately depend on memory to allow you to conclude that your results are correct.

    Conclusion: science depends on faith.

    This doesn't matter but it's great for trolling militant atheists.

    ReplyDelete
  135. "....All attempts to "check" memory, e.g. writing down or peer confirmation, immediately depend on memory to allow you to conclude that your results are correct....."

    What about video and/or bribery you deist cunt?

    ReplyDelete
  136. Can someone explain the new comic to me? Didn't Phantom Menace come out over a decade ago?

    ...could that be the joke? If so, why?

    ...

    ReplyDelete
  137. @ 3:33 This assumes an addict who wants to stop being addicted. A lot of addicts have terrible lives and literally don't care if they die and therefore don't really have any motivation at all to stop being addicted. Could I stop being addicted to painkillers and alcohol? Yeah, probably, if I ever tried. Do I want to? Not really, what's the point?

    ReplyDelete
  138. So it's choice, not addiction.

    Also some "addicts have terrible lives"; but do you?

    ReplyDelete
  139. "Can someone explain the new comic to me? Didn't Phantom Menace come out over a decade ago?

    ...could that be the joke? If so, why?"

    The joke is that the two guys have been standing outside the wrong building for the past decade.

    You are now cleared to laugh uproariously.

    ReplyDelete
  140. heh. its funny cuz the pahntom manace sux

    ReplyDelete
  141. Hey all. I'd like to interrupt this thread to talk to you about censorship. There is a bill going through congress right now, which will impose draconian laws on what websites Americans can view. If it happens, the internet won't be fun any more.

    So if you're American, take action. If you're not American, take action, and don't think it won't affect you, because it will. And it will affect sites like these. This bill could affect Xkcdsucks' very existence!

    Visit americancensorship.org to stop this madness.

    Captcha: watios. Aww, he's trying to say ratios.

    ReplyDelete
  142. "This bill could affect Xkcdsucks' very existence!"

    i think i speak for all of us when i say:
    DEAR GOT MAKE IT END

    ReplyDelete
  143. also probably dear god but after some internet atheists beat me in an argument i am now contractually obligated never to spell 'god' correctly again

    i think i just broke the terms of my agreement

    ReplyDelete
  144. SOPA is just the modern attitude toward Copyright consistently applied. I would prefer that it passes and that people learn what it's really like to live in a world where we have "intellectual property" rather than a limited temporary exclusive right for the sole purpose of fostering advancement of science and the useful arts.

    ReplyDelete
  145. Please pass SOPA! No change is possible until the common folk feel the boot of oppression at their own throats.

    Also:
    I like Gay Batman, eh fights wordwalls and doesn't afraid to troll.

    ReplyDelete
  146. Stop SOPA! It could restrict my inalienable humans right to call people Samefags (heh) and read about badass longcoats on TvTropes.

    SAMEFAGS

    ReplyDelete
  147. Anon 5:18 = Anon 2:56 = Obvious strawman

    ReplyDelete
  148. 6:42 = obvious FAGGOT

    ReplyDelete
  149. The bill is for your protection, children. It's there to protect you from the harmful things on the internet. Why do you hate yourselves so much? We just want you to be happy =[ =[ =[ =[

    ReplyDelete
  150. Actually, Anonycunt @ 8:14, it is not at all that obvious - I am still undecided.
    What is obvious is your concept of 'Intellectual Property' as it applies in the land of the deeply stupid - that is, the great U S of A.

    ReplyDelete
  151. Rob @ December 17, 2011 4:59 PM said,

    ".....i am now contractually obligated never to spell 'god' correctly again....."

    You have not. Most capitalise the first letter - out of some misguided concept of respect and/or literary convention.

    You killed Hitchens after your thrashing, didn't you?

    ReplyDelete
  152. Hitchens is not Great: How straw men attack religionDecember 18, 2011 at 9:23 AM

    This is a sobering lesson to all fat middle-aged men that they can grow breasts and die of cancer too.

    ReplyDelete
  153. Yeah, ALTF, pay attention to 9:23.

    ReplyDelete
  154. I done growed breastises when I was knee-high to a leaf-cutter ant. Well, breasts in as much as you can call a trio of Asian mammas 'breasts' that is.

    ReplyDelete
  155. And from my chronological perspective, 62 is NOT middle-age; it's fecking OLD age!

    ReplyDelete
  156. He didn't grow metasterrific breasts overnight, though. The cancer-vectoring fan bleat that makes a man explode with pomposity was quite chronic.

    ReplyDelete
  157. "pretty sure I'm attacking Randy for it, not xkcd. do pay attention."

    ...really. What a ridiculous way to avoid answering. Well, so you can understand it, here it goes again:

    Why are you pretending to take this oh so seriously and then attack Randy for it?

    ReplyDelete
  158. because it amuses me. next question?

    ReplyDelete
  159. Do you measure your happiness on an Epicurean scale or a Stoic one?

    ReplyDelete
  160. ...really. What a ridiculous way to avoid answering. Well, so you can understand it, here it goes again:

    Do you like your donuts with or without glazing?

    ReplyDelete
  161. Feck off, imposter. Everyone knows the correct, Queen's English spelling is "doughnut". Innit?

    ReplyDelete
  162. My dear Raven.

    *Puts on old man voice*

    In my day we never had any of this 'SOPA', and we turned out just fine. Why should the kids of today deserve any different?

    Also Anon 4:19, you fail at impersonating ALT-F forever.

    Captcha: doggrem. Doggr 'em, I say!

    ReplyDelete
  163. *Looks madly in mirror, then back at avatar on screen, then stares at hands, then back at the avatar*

    WHAT WAS I?

    ReplyDelete
  164. Jon Levi, a madman is most likely to believe he turned out just fine.

    captcha: drica. drica, druga, raypa.

    ReplyDelete
  165. oh man I /love/ that "[none I care for]"

    "mnemonics do exist for this, but they have all been judged INFERIOR by the great Randallian mind"

    ReplyDelete
  166. The latest comic makes me raeg.

    It's so dumb.

    Get off your lazy arse Rob and give it the treatment it deserves.

    ReplyDelete
  167. Okay, I'll admit I laughed at "Please Email My Dad A Shark". But none of the others.

    ReplyDelete
  168. "because it amuses me. next question?"

    Just that I see you don't deny that you're making things up just to be able to attack "Randy". Pretty cool and refreshing to see that.

    ReplyDelete
  169. xkcd shop banner actually says thisDecember 19, 2011 at 6:33 AM

    CENTRIFUGES: THEY'RE WHAT SEPARATE THE MEN FROM THE BOYS
    IS THIS PROPER ENGLISH GUYS?

    ReplyDelete
  170. Please Excuse my Dear Aunt Sally? What kind of child molesting communist nazi taught that in school? Its BEDMAS you dumb fuckers. You don't need a goddamned sentence to remember BEDMAS.

    ReplyDelete
  171. also bodmas/bedmas/pedoas is wrong and always has been

    3-4+1=(3-4)+1=-1+1=0
    not 3-4+1=3-(4+1)=3-5=-2

    ReplyDelete
  172. tl;dr - has never distributed implicitly over +

    ReplyDelete
  173. No. NO. You are mathematically illiterate, 7:41.
    Captcha: beterc. betercatchup on that Mcdonald's job, 7:41.

    ReplyDelete
  174. 7:43, capitalised contradictions aren't any more correct. 3-4+1=0 by every adult interpretation which doesn't apply some dumb school rule no-one uses in the real world.

    ReplyDelete
  175. 7:41 that was the stupidest shit I ever read. Your math teacher should beat you with a stick.

    ReplyDelete
  176. 7:47, MSc in mathematics here and 7:41 is correct.

    ReplyDelete
  177. also samefag/samefag/samefag is samefag and always has been
    samefag-samefag+samefag=(samefag-samefag)+samefag=-samefag+samefag=0
    not samefag-samefag+samefag=samefag-(samefag+samefag)=samefag-samefag=-samefag
    captcha:samefag

    ReplyDelete
  178. Right, but 7:41 impled that following BEDMAS would give you the second (incorrect)statement while in fact the first statement follows BEDMAS.

    Its Brackets Exponents Multiplication Division in the order they appear and Addition/Subtract in the order they appear

    ReplyDelete
  179. somewhat typically of xkcd, 992 is a good idea executed terribly. if all the alternative mnemonics he thought up were actually *funny*, it would be a pretty good comic.

    unfortunately, only a few of them are funny - the zunes one and the last one (jesus). but by now i don't expect any more than that from randall. oh well.

    ReplyDelete
  180. What Ian said... We evaluate infix expression notation according to the precedence rules of the operators. multiplication and division have the same precedence, so do addition and subtraction... So by convention are evaluated from left to right.

    However, this has no bearing on how good at math you are. I typically use and invent my own order of operations. Identical mathematical statements can be represented in any other evaluation system. Infix notation is simply an agreed upon protocol for the transmission of mathematic expressions.

    I frequently use RPN to avoid such ambiguities.

    thus: 3 - 4 + 1
    becomes: 3 4 - 1 +

    Push values onto the stack as encountered.

    Evaluate operators as encountered with the top of the variables on top of the stack, push the result onto the stack.

    Thus:

    3 4 - 1 +
    1 (-1) +
    0
    ^-- That's the answer folks. + and - have equal precedence.

    ReplyDelete
  181. comic 1000 will be an appeal to the viewers to donate money to cancer research/the WWF/him, mark my words

    ReplyDelete
  182. Anon 9:22 - autistic samefag who cannot do this easy Algebra 1 shit in his head and has to invent a chart with boolean operators and floating point integrals and shit just to do smt like 4 + 2 - 7

    Captcha: jewarag
    what is this I don't even

    ReplyDelete
  183. Ian, perhaps you're too simple to have understood the original post.

    BEDMAS as an acronym only implies linear order and nothing about associativity. It does not imply that DM are grouped and AS are grouped. It is misleading and shouldn't be taught to anybody.

    The Anon with the RPN is even worse and would probably feel at home on the xkcd fora.

    The mature approach is to employ brackets except where typesetting (including implicit multiplication) makes the order of operations clear.

    ReplyDelete
  184. he can't spell contraceptives
    the icky sex obsession is particularly gross in this one
    the drawings are particularly terrible in this one.

    it seems to actually be getting worse.

    ReplyDelete
  185. I just wanted to point out that Randal manages to completely miss the point of mnemonics in his latest comic. A mnemonic has to be either incredibly short (BEDMAS) or incredibly silly but still have flow (My very educated mother just served us nine pizzas) in order to be easily remembered. Most of these are neither.

    ReplyDelete
  186. "Just that I see you don't deny that you're making things up just to be able to attack "Randy". Pretty cool and refreshing to see that. "

    um no because that is the entire point of this blog
    are you new or something?

    ReplyDelete
  187. also: "none I care for" when combined with the fact that the mnemonic that immediately comes to my mind is "black boys rape our young girls but Violet goes willingly" makes it seem a very high-handed white-knighting thing

    then again I am a terrible racist anti-Semetic misogynist so I guess that's what I would say

    ReplyDelete
  188. the forums say it's "bad boys" but that just makes me think of Will Smith & Martin Lawrence :-(

    so yeah basically i am a terrible person

    sigh

    ReplyDelete