Friday, April 22, 2011

Comic 889: Turtles, Man

[Your Gamer "Gamer_2k4" was all like "I will show an XKCD comic to a hostage every thirty minutes until you post my review" so I was like "okay fine, you fucking terrorist," which I guess is letting the terrorists win but really. Here is his guest review. -Ed.]

I hate this comic. I hate xkcd. I hate Randall Munroe. I've been ticked off by xkcd before, but strip 889 just completely blows my mind. I'm not even going to reproduce it here; if you haven't seen it, just count yourself one of the lucky ones, because it's so numbingly stupid that reading it is akin to being smashed in the head with a backhoe. I'd rather get raped by a porcupine than read this balls-awful comic. I'd rather eat a box of thumbtacks, I'd rather swim in a septic truck, I'd rather use a wood chipper as a hat than see that complete and total piece of suck again.

It's just...it's BAD! It's not insightful, it's not funny, it's not well drawn, it's downright stupid, and it seriously sounds like Randall wrote this while on some heavy drugs. You know, normally I try to put in a few good words about each xkcd I review. It would be wrong to say I'm trying to find the hidden gems; it's probably more like searching for whole kernals of corn in a pile of manure. But this one has no such corn. This is just a big, sloppy, puddle of diarrhea.

I'm sorry, that was disgusting. Still, I'm not entirely sure it's inaccurate. The message of this comic is little more than "Turtles don't have worries. Boy, they're lucky!" What the heck are you talking about, Randall? You don't have worries, either! You spend 15 minutes a week scribbling on a sheet of paper, throw it online, and have thousands of people all trying to suck your nonexistent balls the next morning. You could put out anything and the masses would still be there, waiting expectantly, mouths open, panting like dogs. Teachers put up your comics in their classrooms. Blogs link to you regularly. Internet memes have been spawned because of your worthless excuse for a webcomic. It's just one big "find Randy's dick and suck it" contest on the internet, and you're the center of attention. You make more money than you have any right to with this strip, you're considered a guest of honor at conventions, you can probably sleep 10 hours each night, and you still have a 13 hours every single day (rounding down) to jerk off to fantasies of Megan. You've got it made in the shade, buddy! YOU'RE the one who's got it "figured out"!

A turtle doesn't have any worries? It's a FREAKING TURTLE! It doesn't have to brain to comprehend things like stress, it doesn't have a reason to comprehend things like stress, and it sure as heck doesn't have any files to delete! YOU are that turtle, Randall. You go on with your stupid, sheltered little life, completely protected from anything even close to stress, no worries in the world, just sitting there thinking, "hurp I'm a Randall." You know what? You ARE a Randall, and 50 years from now you'll STILL be a Randall, just sitting there, rock-stupid, oblivious to real people with real concerns, and thinking that your little world is all there is. I hate you.

83 comments:

  1. http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff55/soraxkairi2112/whos-awesome.jpg

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  2. Gamer_2k4, we can run this site together... INTO THE GROUND.

    [you know, if it wasn't already swimming in its own secretions]

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  3. The first two paragraphs I was all "meh, rage for rage's sake" but then the point came... probably one of the best reviews ever on xckdsucks

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  4. it's actually pretty misinformed and speciest to assume that non-human animals "don't have brains to understand stress" or "don't have worries". basic ethology -- or simply paying attention to any pet -- dispels this myth as surely as paying attention to the world dispels creationism.

    and i don't think the analogy is frivolous; there is a very strong component of "animals are meat machines for us to use" in christianity. it's right there in genesis, and the alleged source of all human value -- the fictional soul -- is said to be absent from non-human animals.

    par for the course for christianity's "we are super special you guys" neurosis.

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  5. Science teaches us we're the best too, Chiggy Chugga, and that's because it's true. We evolved into geniuses and developed the tools to turn the entire animal kingdom into our own smorgasbord. We created complex languages and the capcity for history that comes with it. We are so far ahead of those animal schmucks that they'll never catch up. You can go talk to the animals all you want, Chiggy Dolittle, I'm going to stay on the top of the food chain where I belong.

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  6. Chiggy- animal intelligence is on a sliding scale- things like dolphins can feel stress and presumably other emotions, pigs are intelligent enough to be distressed, as are dogs.

    however reptiles are significantly lower down on the scale, and some fish even more so.

    spiders can't feel happiness.

    so it's pretty misinformed to assume that all animals have the full spectrum of human emotion or intelligence (required to generate foresight that is a necisarry component of worry).

    Any amount of time studying neurology will tell you this- as well as observing pets. when was the last time fido worried about paying his taxes?

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  7. Human success in dominating the food chain is based on two main factors: 1) Opposable thumbs to effectively manufacture tools 2) Language to successfully communicate. Animals such as birds have been shown to develop tools for their own use in gaining food etc. That's right, DEVELOP, i.e. build them from sticks and leaves. There's no reason to believe emotion is unique to humans, just because we're the only ones with detailed language. How the fuck do you know that "spiders can't feel happiness"? Have you asked one? At worst that's a blatant lie to win an internet argument and at best it's indoctrinated misunderstanding of basic logic. You can't know something unless you have SOME sort of indication that it's true.

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  8. Isopods feel happiness when they crawl into your mouth and eat your tongue. You feel their contentment when they nestle in as a chitinous, writhing replacement.

    Fucking isopods.

    And yes, I mean all isopods. EVEN THE WOODLICE.

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  9. I like turtles.

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  10. Legio vigesima Valeria Victrix of Kittens said:

    "....You feel their contentment when they nestle in as a chitinous, writhing replacement...."

    Presumably this explains why the Yankees live in their huge basements consuming squirrels and mispronouncing the word 'really' as if it possessed only two syllables.

    The Testudines have both endo- and exoskeletons. They are more rigid than the woodlice and therefore unsuitable as instruments of phonetic articulation - unless you are German.

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  11. Anonymous 04:40 AM said:

    "....You can't know something unless you have SOME sort of indication that it's true....."

    Nu?
    That which is false is unknwowable then?

    Spiders can feel happiness, just not American happiness.

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  12. Aquarians, you never answered my question. What do you look for in a guy? Beyond 'girth', that is.

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  13. This was probably one of the best reviews ever on xkcd. The "Randall is the turtle" moment was very insightful.

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  14. chiggy chugga that "we are so special" neurosis is true for every human on this planet including you. what the hell

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  15. oh wait sorry obvious trolling

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  16. erection

    Damn Gamer, don't try to hide your anger now

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  17. @R

    I think you'll find people with a more environmentalist/humanist/atheist philosophy are not nearly as prejudice towards other creatures as Christians. I suspect Chiggy Chugga wasn't trolling at all.

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  18. Clues to what, exactly?

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  19. Why must you be so evasive, Aquarians? Are you so afraid of being honest?

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  20. anon he brought up Christianity out of the blue and insulted it (i know i sound kind of melodramatic.) it seemed quite trolly, although i have seen "internet atheists" act like this before. also his name is chiggy chugga.

    the idea of being prejudiced towards an animal seems kind of strange to me.

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  21. 889 could be the same comic, only replacing the turtle with Charlie Sheen.

    Also he would be surrounded by 7 gram rocks and porn stars.

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  22. I am an alliteratively vile and vexatiously vituperative cunt.

    Honestly.

    Have you seen my visage? SR will be by shortly to post a link to photographs of me. Keep a bucket handy.

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  23. I'm pretty sure we've all seen those images, "Dr. M".

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  24. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  25. If that really is you, Aquarians, then you are astonishingly beautiful. If it isn't, then you are still astonishingly beautiful.

    @SR - I like to play with fire.

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  26. I believe I have found one of your actives ones, ALT-F.

    http://emeraldbile.blogspot.com/2011_04_01_archive.html

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  27. Not quite, but there is a familial connection.

    Sheesh, Anonymous 9:46, do you want my telephone number? It would save a lot of wear and tear on your keyboard.

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  28. Eff Greg,
    It is I, alas. And a curse it is!

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  29. A more recent photo would convince me of that, Aquarians. But like I said, I don't particularly care.

    You're still avoiding my question. What do like to see in a guy?

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  30. I wonder how "Greg F." feels about us mutilating his name and carrying it on this long.

    Hopefully flattered.

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  31. I am a fan of XKCD, but I've been reading this blog to see a different point of view. I've got to say that this argument really didn't work.

    I don't believe that you understood the point of the argument that this comic was making. The point was to say that turtles do have it lucky for the very reason that you pointed out in this blog post: "It's a FREAKING TURTLE! It doesn't have to brain to comprehend things like stress, it doesn't have a reason to comprehend things like stress, and it sure as heck doesn't have any files to delete!"

    That is the point that Randall was attempting to make in that comic. Turtles don't have to deal with the stuff that humans do, and in a way that makes them lucky.

    Also, it seems as if you need to learn how to write an argument. It seems as if a majority of your arguments are just the ad hominem logical fallacy. If you spend a majority of your words insulting the person and not the comic, then people aren't going to take you seriously.

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  32. Ah, so that was some blog that you and BP were parodying/ripping off, eh? Interesting.

    The plot thickens.

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  33. Not quite anonymous 10:25.
    Query? You're not a Canadian cunt are you?
    To save you some trouble our active blogs are not primarily in English and are viewable only with a costly subscription. Google and Bing will not even afford you a snippet. The crap is all copyrighted now!
    We sold out I reckon.

    Eff Greg,
    I grow weary of the game.

    Mike Becheek Gloom said:

    "....If you spend a majority of your words insulting the person and not the comic, then people aren't going to take you seriously....."

    Which would be a problem if the premise of this blog was to be taken seriously. And the ad hominem attack, though a logical fallacy, is a respectable rhetorical device.

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  34. To my very cervix!

    Ravenzomg would be better quarry for you. I's nothin' but trouble.

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  35. I seriously doubt you are more trouble than I can handle.

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  36. I think one of the flaws with this comic is that turtles' existence probably isn't as simple as randy seems to believe. Those fuckers have to worry about STARVING because they got TIPPED OVER.

    As far as Carl's review goes, if the joke, the actual joke, had been self-consciously about Randall trying pot for the first time, it probably would have been a lot funnier.

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  37. Which would be a problem if the premise of this blog was to be taken seriously.

    ....Well, for once, +1 ALT-F.

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  38. You make me blush Ravenzomg.

    The Parable of the Cock and Cunt

    The cunt said, "Whatever it takes".
    The cock said, "As long as no one is remunerated for it."
    The cunt said, "Whatever it takes".
    The cock replied, "We must not use any people with whom we disapprove, or whose motives are suspect, or who demand to be paid for their work."
    The cunt said, "Whatever it takes".
    The cock sniffed, "I hope we are not going to have to do any marketing?"
    The cunt said, "Whatever it takes".
    The cock riposted, "Our work must be designed in purity, perfect in theory as well as in execution, able to meet all the needs of all potential users from now 'til eternity."
    The cunt said, "Whatever it takes".
    The cock throbbed in annoyance and insisted, "We will find the one best way, and persuade the swarthy masses, who have yet to be enlightened, to adopt it."
    The cunt said, "Whatever it takes".
    The cock, in his best stentorian voice, "And those who don't do it our way don't matter as they hardly exist. We'll do it for our folks, and ignore the vile and unwashed majority, even though they outnumber us fifty to one. Eventually they will adopt our genius."
    The cunt said, "Whatever it takes".
    The cock pursed his testicles in exasperation at the cunt, "Have you no principles? Are you willing to work for hire, patent and copyright your work, sell it for money, hire people to help you, sell it to evil governments and huge malignent corporations, conform to international standards adopted by evil . . . ?"
    The cunt lunged, snapped its labia, and devoured the cock, and muttered, "Whatever it takes".
    Then the cunt set to work, getting the job done.

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  39. Guys, you obviously hate xkcd, but if it can generate HUNDREDS of comics worth of discussion, doesn't it have at least some intellectual worth?

    I mean honestly, you guys talk and talk about each comic even though you despise it. Seems kinda pathetic to me.

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  40. You inverted Team America?

    Hot.

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  41. Anonymous 11:36 said:

    "....I mean honestly, you guys talk and talk about each comic even though you despise it. Seems kinda pathetic to me....."

    That's us - we're all about the pathos. And bathos for some of us.

    Eff Greg?
    What the fuck is Team America and how would one invert it?

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  42. @Mike Becheek Gloom

    "That is the point that Randall was attempting to make in that comic. Turtles don't have to deal with the stuff that humans do, and in a way that makes them lucky."

    Perhaps so, but he made the point devoid of any insight or humor. Randall made an observation that's abundantly obvious, and the resulting comic was completely pointless. That's my problem with it. He might as well have had a single sentence that said "I wish I was a tree so that I never got stressed out." That's just stupid.

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  43. Aquarians:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aYtHDlAkN0

    I think you will like that.

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  44. "He might as well have had a single sentence that said "I wish I was a tree so that I never got stressed out." That's just stupid."

    Pardon me for taking Randall's side here, but I have to defend what little artistic integrity he has. I don't think he'd ever sink that low. He may be lazy, but a single sentence comic, is a couple of levels below his standard.

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  45. Pretty sure that was sarcasm, Jon, but still:

    http://xkcd.com/859/

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  46. Eff Greg,

    In the immortal words of the eminent calypsonian Roaring Lion (via Jimmy Soul):

    "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life never make that ALT-F your wife.
    So from my personal point of view get Ravenzomg to marry you."

    Alas, youtube is blocked on my computer. Besides, I am on dial-up and it wouldn't play anyway.

    Dearest Gamey One,
    Trees, at least in the northern hemisphere, can undergo the stress of temperature induced phloem and xylem cavitation.

    Then again, reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

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  47. "See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!"

    You're on dial-up, and youtube is blocked? Where are you?

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  48. I am currently in the Anal Sphincter Muscle of North America - a condition of my parole.

    My parable is a tad more subtle.

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  49. Anonymous 12:23

    Did not Randall do a comic recently about that sort of witty retort?

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  50. The only concurrence between my parable and your Team America drivel is the pseudo-anthropomorphising symbolism of genitalia. Otherwise the two are dissimilar in tone and meaning. For example, re-read my parable replacing the word 'cunt' with Republican and the word 'cock' with Democrat (adjusting the final labia snap with a GSW)
    The Team America dross is unidimensional and sexist; created for the sniggering consumption of peri-pubescent Yankee males.

    Panama? Close.

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  51. Or Liberal code writers for 'cock' and Conservative business folks for 'cunt'.
    My parable has universal application

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  52. "Ad hominem" meant "self-evident argument" until the meaning was twisted by the Christians in 1793. Half a century later, Webster mistakenly included it in an early print of his An American Dictionary of the English Language in 1848 which is where the modern meaning comes from.

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  53. That is why I thought you had inverted it - you had taken the shallow symbolism of Team America and its poorly generated demographic, and modified it to show the truth.

    Cock, cunt or asshole - you follow them to their roots, you find the same thing.

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  54. Dearest Jagwio,

    It's Latin rendered in the Accusative case you Thalidomide stump sucking cunt.
    It means: 'To the Man'
    It's self evident you are a dullard.

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  55. "....Cock, cunt or asshole - you follow them to their roots, you find the same thing....."

    How droll. And I mean that in its archaic sense.

    Though it would not apply to vermiform brethren.

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  56. Fuck the vermiform.

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  57. You can climb a mountain
    You can swim the sea
    You can jump into the fire
    But you'll never be free

    You can shake me up
    Or I can break you down
    Whoa-o-o-o
    We can make each other happy
    We can make each other happy
    We can make each other happy
    We can make each other happy

    You can jump into the fire
    You can jump into the fire
    You can jump into the fire
    You can jump into the fire

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  58. God, so sick of Aquarians publicly talking to himself at such length. Even the inane prattle of insignificant anonymous posters is more interesting.

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  59. So hey guys does anyone know how porn stars have such clean, hairless taints? I really don't like ass hair but at the same time I don't want to have a razor blade or hot wax anywhere in that vicinity, any advice?

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  60. How the fuck did Aquarians turn this into a discussion about genitalia?

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  61. @ThePirateKing: If you don't assert yourself and make the topic less topical, then you're letting the terrorists win!

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  62. ALTF is worse than xckd by at least a factor of 10. But skimming past all his posts makes me miss the in between ones which may be non-shitty :(

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  63. it was a tortoise!!!

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  64. I've got no problem with derailing the thread from its topic, I just don't like ALT-F turning this into the comment-thread version of 631.

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  65. I'm a girl Pirate King and you can always just ignore me.
    I thrive on rejection.

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  66. Oh look, yet another review which mentions Megan for no reason, when the character doesn't even appear in the comic.
    And you're bitching about a comic that was probably made on 4/20?

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  67. there's always a reason to mention Megan

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  68. I could ignore xkcd too, ALT-F. But it is just too terrible to be ignored.

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  69. NERD RAAAAAAAGE!!!!!

    Somebody needs to take his daily prescription of chill the fuck out.

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