Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Comic 888: This Could Be Heaven Or This Could Be Hell

[Noted pirate "ThePirateKing" sent me this guest review, which is short but probably had more thought put into it than my usual reviews, because I am actually incapable of thought. -Ed.]

heaven

Comic 888 is really pretty boring. It's basically the exact same idea as 724, just in reverse. This is really lame. If Randy were clever, he would have thought of both those concepts and made them one comic. But it took him over 150 comics to think of the logical reverse of the "tetris hell" idea. And it's not at all funny, either. Mainly because, and I think it was Carl who pointed this out, it was never original to begin with.

So fuck the actual comic. I'm going to talk about the alt text.

You see, after hundreds upon hundreds of shitty comics, Randy has finally found his comedic genius. He has "cast off his commercial shackles", to quote an earlier and better xkcd, in order to call out his gaggle of GOOMHRing fans on being pasty virgins. "If you've never had sex"... as if there is a hint of doubt with this audience!

The most hilarious part is that his fans will not realize they are being viciously mocked! They will GOOMHR, and marvel at Randall's supposed insight on the sexual world, all the while secretly lamenting the fact that he's right, they haven't had sex.
Truly a clever subversion of xkcd's blatant catering to its fanbase.

[in all seriousness, does Randy know what "ennui" means? Or "redundancy"? It's a bit like tautology... ]

103 comments:

  1. @lol
    Wow... within seconds of the post going up. Someone needs to get a life

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  2. Yes, you are incapable of thought.

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  3. Who among us is truly capable of thought? Only the thoughtless. There is a world within our own where Rob is lord over all.

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  4. goatkcd version is 100% accurate btw

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  5. GOOMH Randy! I've never had sex, but I know you have sex with Megan all the time which is why you're so awesome and I love "Xkcd". What a brilliant web-comic.

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  6. Well I'm honored, rob.

    I was up all night working on a paper, and randy starting his alt text with "If you've never had sex..." just made my night.

    He's truly a king among creepy nerds.

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  7. Ahhh... thank you, PirateKing, for not making me wait an unreasonable amount of time for my final review. Farewell. May the hate burn unending within your hearts. I go to a better place, where there are no shitty Xkcd and no recently shitty SMBC. Heaven.

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  8. If you've never had sex, call me. I have a Tetris block to show you.

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  9. He is a Pirate King, and it is a glorious thing to be a Pirate King.

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  10. I'm not usually on the "Randy is creepy" bandwagon- I mean, it can be fun to joke about it, but MOST of his comics (aside from the weird breast milk ones) aren't really creepy at all. But this alt-text seems creepy to me...this is WAY more than I wanted to know about Randy's personal feelings about sex.

    Though it also makes me morbidly curious as to why Randy apparently finds sex so boring, since he says that after sex he only feels briefly satisfied, then he feels extreme boredom, which is followed by...boredom. That's just weird.

    The Hotel California alt-text here is far superior just because Hotel California is awesome.

    Also, I know this happened like two reviews ago, but I thought it was awesome how, in the review, the word "house" in "House of Leaves" was in blue text...that's a way more clever reference to the book than the one Randy had in his comic. Though I admit I found the part of the comic about the cat house to be amusing.

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  11. What's wrong with you people? If you don't like it don't read it.

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  12. But we don't read it.

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  13. For me, reading xkcd is a matter of morbid curiosity. And we enjoy criticizing it here. We wouldn't stay here if it wasn't fun.

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  14. You ever watch awful movies? Yeah. Yeah, you do.

    ...

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  15. This is really the best way you've got of spending your time?

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  16. well what do you do with your time?

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  17. I am a writer. I may not be great, but at least I attempt to create something, unlike you guys.

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  18. Charles Augustus FortescueApril 21, 2011 at 5:11 AM

    I disagree that this would have been better published alongside the "Hell" version. Both work as self-contained comics, and the link between them is a bonus for regular readers.

    If you are reduced to criticising the alt-text, which is only supposed to be a throwaway bonus, then there can't be much wrong with the comic.

    I don't think "ennui" is used inappropriately here, either.

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  19. @5:07 I'm a witter to. And a musician. An actual gigging, pay my bills with it musician. Also, I think xkcd sucks so I come here in my free time and read about it. not everyone can be as busy as you are with no time to stop and smell the lovely (xkcd) roses (shit)

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  20. so because we read this blog, that's all we do? like how you only write, all day. forever

    you can either read this blog or write. CHOOSE

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  21. The gun is good!
    The penis is evil!

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  22. And how would you feel if someone criticized not just your work, but you personally? Especially when it's something as innocuous as a webcomic that is not to your taste. It's not like he's making factual errors or lying or anything.

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  23. And certainly nobody here also writes...

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  24. he is an adult who makes a living off this. a professional who should be able to cope with criticism. he is not a child you need to defend. and nothing is forcing him to read this blog.

    if you are that sensitive to criticism, don't put your work on the internet. in fact, hide it and make sure no-one ever sees it.

    also the knowledge that he makes a living off five minute doodles should ease the pain, i think.

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  25. Is that it? You want to make a living doing what Randall does, and because you don't get the same recognition you get upset and post here?

    Get over yourself.

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  26. Hey, I'm a writer too! and a good one. I am also a quite talented musician, and a painter. I sometimes enjoy pottery, but I am also a socialite (for example, I'm going to a party tonight, and it's not even the weekend yet!)

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  27. yeah i'm so sad my non-existent webcomic isn't loved by geniuses like anon 5:45

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  28. Damn, Rochambeau, I don't get recognition in any of those things. I'd better post, eh?

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  29. Good trollin' there, Anon. You've almost gone through the whole list of Rob's Rants.

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  30. So I've read through a few of the blog posts here now, and it's fairly obvious that you're all stuck in a rut. Even if you liked a comic you wouldn't admit it. Your minds are already made up - Randall is a loser and that's that.

    Also, I don't see any evidence of your creative output.

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  31. Hey Anon? That's cute.

    You're cute.

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  32. Damn you, cptnoremac! I was so close...

    This isn't over.

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  33. Re: long, thing block in the next box,

    Anybody else think Randall's compensating for something?

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  34. @Anon 6:27

    If we're in a rut, it's one Randall's dug. He's been tireless in convincing us that he's a loser, and at this point it'll take a lot of effort from him to prove otherwise.

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  35. somebody clue in gamer that 627 was a troll who was exposed already

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  36. Wait, I'm confused. Is Kitten writing the anonymous troll posts or just taking credit for them? In either case it's successful trolling (for trolling other trolls I must point out).

    The strange thing about this place (and with anonymous posting in general) is that no one will know who it really is. In fact I can't conclusively prove I'm not Kitten, or Rob, or Randall, or all three.

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  37. Well, he did stop posting after Kitten confessed.

    Captcha: warribo. I'm-a Warribo. I'm-a gonna win!

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  38. Jon Levi said:

    ".....In fact I can't conclusively prove I'm not Kitten, or Rob, or Randall, or all three....."

    You could, actually, but it would involve proving who you are and by default we would deduce who you are not.

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  39. So how are we doing on Bingo? It seems like we're off to a good start with the fanbois here. Are they aware that Rob is fat?

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  40. ROB IS REALLLY FAT.

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  41. I've been doppelganged again? I don't even know why I'm happy about that, but I am.

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  42. Happiness is a mental state of well-being characterised by positive emotions ranging from slight contentment(1) to rapturiously intense joy(10).

    Your number?

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  43. A solid 3, I'd say.

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  44. @Aquarians Love to Fuck

    http://sterculian-rhetoric.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2008-03-13T09%3A36%3A00-07%3A00&max-results=10
    http://www.blogger.com/profile/05675301543413379440
    http://biliouscpudenda.blogspot.com/
    http://www.blogger.com/profile/11050070307421546838
    http://www.scorpiosluvtofuck.blogspot.com/

    You really enjoy wasting your time, don't you?

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  45. The trouble with people claiming to have "trolled us" is that it presumes that they are distracting us from something productive, which they continually insist does not exist on this blog.

    That, and they think we're serious. Granted, a prominent feature of Aspergers is the inability to pick up on unspoken social cues, so I guess it's not their fault.

    Also, they think people give a shit on the internet. But that's the product of far deeper troubles.

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  46. "You really enjoy wasting your time, don't you?"

    ...says the guy who google-stalked ALT-F.

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  47. Here in lies the human reality of it; the scarified flesh, the spraying gobbets of clotted blood and skin, the splayed muscle, the spayed genitalia, devastated spirits and sickened stomachs. This characterises the very ritual of having carnal knowledge of me - a frisson of excitement.

    You forgot this one anonymous

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  48. I take the increase in the number of trolls of late to be a byproduct of this blog becoming more popular.

    It's a positive thing!

    Trolls are like worms. Most people don't like to come into contact with them, but they're good for the environment because of the fecal matter they produce.

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  49. You forgot this one too anonymous

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  50. If trolls are worms because they produce shit, this blog is an Ouroboros.

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  51. Anonymous 11:47

    Bilious and I service 9 different blogs. You found the 3 easy ones. I provided you with The Cuntrel and MyQaeda. There are four others.

    Of course, none of these 9 blogs are active now.

    Find the active ones my friend - aye there's the rub!

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  52. The Cuntrel is the second link I posted. MyQaeda is new though.

    Hmm, I assume the SR that posts here occasionally is Billious also, yes?

    @Anonymous 12:00
    Well, I never said that *I* don't like wasting my time in the internet, now did I?

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  53. You are right Anonymous 12:52. I am still trying to remember all our old Google Accounts. I'll comment here from them as I remember them.
    Bilious is one half of SR - I am the other half.
    Each of our blogs was written for a specific wank-circle/person. The astute will certainly discover a shite load of serendipitous academic convergence with many of the posts - especially astute XKCD fans.

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  54. That is all I can remember now.
    I have an email into Bilious to see if he remembers any.
    He's 12 hours ahead of New York time so we'll have to wait.

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  55. Sheesh!
    To think we had so much time back then.
    Then we growed up I guess.

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  56. There's a whole lot of "shit I don't care about" up in this comment thread.

    What's different is that this time its mostly about ALT-F.

    Reboot does a Redux countdown: 8

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  57. Capn said:

    "...What's different is that this time it's mostly about ALT-F...."

    Ain't it always?

    Obviuosly you have not viewed our/my video: "Bilious and VD Perform '2G1C' In Two Acts" Otherwise you would care deeply about our/my shite.

    Innit?

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  58. This is Heaven? Playing a Flash game where you always win no matter what? That's not even remotely enjoyable.

    Come to think of it, that Tetris game that Carl posted in his review of "Hell" that someone made to emulate the comic was incredibly fun.

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  59. To be fair, even Dante's Heaven was a pretty darn horrible place. A bunch of washed out druggies lying around and singing hysterically every time somebody mentions God. If Dante can't portray eternal bliss, what chance does Randall have?

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  60. Don't mention Dante. Randall might start to imagine his obsession with Megan is artistically justified if he learns about Dante's relationship with Beatrice.

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  61. I'm not so sure about that Anonymous 2:38, Dante does a fine job in The Empyrean where Beatrice is shown to be one tasty morsel.
    I think this portrays eternal bliss well enough.

    For me at least.

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  62. At comic 1000 Carl will come back to us and smote all that is assturds and aquarians.

    Captcha: nonate, Carl is the non-ate, the anti-Rob

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  63. If you are no longer a quesadilla fan does this mean you are an ex-quesadilla fan now?

    Dearest The Prophecy,
    Carl is not of North American provenance. Accordingly, the sun has set on his smoting acumen.
    Verily I say unto thee Carl of Talpidae shall be smitten with the myriad charms of the Age of Aquarians.

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  64. I think the best part of the comic is that you can see the pathology of Randall's sex life (such as it may be).

    To Randy, sex is just brief satisfaction followed by boredom. He clearly makes no emotional connection to his partner. Women are little more than fucktoys for him, to be ignored until he's able to get an erection again. The "brief" also suggests premature ejaculation issues.

    No wonder Megan won't let him near her.

    Edit: Captcha: ronads. Randall's gonads, or "ronads," are only barely recognizable as human genitalia due to their small size and mangled state from years of self-abuse.

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  65. darwiniac said:

    "...The "brief" also suggests premature ejaculation issues...."

    Or it could suggest Petronius Arbiter:

    "Foeda est in coitu et brevis voluptas,
    et taedet Veneris statim peractae"

    I think you'll find, darwiniac, that if you were to study your own theory of Evolution, the size of primate testicles correlates more to assurances of procreating than to a relationship of direct proportionality of anthropomorphic virility.
    Homo Sapiens are small.
    Pan Paniscus are large.

    In other words: Big testicles : Low actual virility. Besides, years of onanistic pursuit would produce larger testicles.

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  66. "Delight in lust is gross and brief,
    and weariness treads on desire"

    A rather good translation of Petronius by Helen Waddell

    Then again Ms Waddell has not met Randall!
    She has yet to witness the almost narcotised tranquility that he would bring to bear upon her.
    She has not viewed the expanse of his gaudy seed-bearering physical potency.

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  67. Aquarians, are you available?

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  68. I'm so sick of this. It was just ONE fucking blowjob given out of pity and he thinks he's got extensive experience.

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  69. Eff Greg,

    Yes, but I frequently spend months at a time in the most wretched places on the planet collecting an alphabet's worth of Hep infections.

    Careful though, I am pudenda non grata 'round here and treating me with anything but contempt and disdain will prove disasterous for you.

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  70. I don't care what others think. You are the smartest individual around here, and your filthy sense of humor is lovable.

    What's the best way to your heart, Aquarians?

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  71. Does Femalethoth still hang around these parts?

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  72. The best way to Aquarian's heart is through her cunt.

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  73. Eff Greg,
    The best way to my heart?

    Having assumed a lordotically prone position, you frot my arse through a fine muslin while I do my nails and feign interest.

    That and you stop spelling like a Yankee cunt - to wit; 'humour'.

    Of the folks 'round these parts, I think you'll find that Rob, Ravenzomg and Kitten of Varying Depredations, among others, are also quite smart.

    Innit?

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  74. Too right Anonymous @ 5:22
    Mind my prehensile clitoris and distinct vaginal dentata though.

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  75. Today, Abstruse Goose is...

    ...ah, alright, sorry guys, I was taken in. Abstruse Goose is clearly a parody of shit 'nerd culture' webcomics but I was completely fooled. Well done, writer guy.

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  76. I'm not interested in anyone else, I'm interested in you. What impresses you? What do you look for in a guy?

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  77. Oh yes, Ann Apolis is also quite intelligent. Also Femalethoth. That's about it though.

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  78. If Aquarians Love To Fuck is so smart then why can't he-she work out how to use the term "innit?" properly? This is something that even the scummiest infants school dropouts have a firm grasp of.

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  79. 5:56, you are a long way behind the curve here. Go back to lurking like a good little boy.

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  80. Eff Greg, you have upset me very much so I'm saying angry things to you now.

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  81. 5:56
    Are you British? I think you're British.

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  82. You know that kid who got stage fright in front of a reporter and said "I like turtles"? He sounded less retarded than Randall, a fully grown manchild, sounds through the most recent comic.

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  83. You guys are fucking baiting me to break my vow not to read anymore. I have more will than that though, so I'm just going to stop coming here altogether. I'm sure you're just crushed.

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  84. AW SHIT. TURTLES. MY ONE WEAKNESS.

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  85. http://www.pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF089-Caring_for_Your_Turtle.gif

    COMPARE AND CONTRAST

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  86. Hey, I'd like to inform you all that this thread is only two squares away from a double bingo!

    Have fun with that information.

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  87. Oh boy! I'm guessing somebody needs to get a captcha with high comedic potential for one of them.

    Captcha: fsyrcdu. Damn. My kingdom for a vowel.

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  88. As if there's not enough xkcd in boingboing already, some idiot made a real version of the tetris in comic 888... what's it been, two days? Yeesh. 'cept he did it wrong, so it often gives you shapes that are one or two blocks off, which essentially just makes it tetris with annoying extremely awkward shapes...

    In regards to the latest comic... I like turtles.

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  89. I always use this concept, STFU already!

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  90. @ThePirateKing: I especially like the note under it:

    fixed the sleep-dep-caused 'unheavenly' pieces

    Guys! I can actually program, honest, it's just I was too cool to sleep

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  91. SOmetimes people are really good at specialized programming. I envy the ones who can make video games at the drop of a hat.

    By the way, you should buy this crap (Shit).

    http://www.cafepress.com/yolanda2

    I love you all. Why can't people understand that mocking things is fun... ?

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  92. You know how we all complained that the "Hell" comic shouldn't have been titled "Hell" because it took the punchline and ripped it out of Megan's womb? Yeah.

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  93. The funny thing is, people who enjoy the comic seem to enjoy bashing people who read xkcd as much as Randall. People who troll here, people who rant about the blog...

    ... but that completely undermines the idea that they have a right to have and enjoy this blog.

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  94. free country, dude, enjoy what you want
    but it doesn't make you any less retarded

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