Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Comics 1165-1169: I'll Save You, Randy!

1165. Did you know that Amazon originally refers to a rainforest and/or river? Randy does! F

1166. Did you know the idea of a perpetual motion machine defies the laws of thermodynamics as we currently understand them? Randy does! F

1167. Did you know that Wikipedians like to argue about pointless shit like capitalization? Randy does! F

1168. Did you know that Randy likes to invent scenarios in which I fail to save the day and therefore cause everyone to die, over and over and over again? Randy does! F

1169. Did you know that you can use Google Maps to look at the planet? Randy does! F

282 comments:

  1. Don't be silly, of course he was not refering to you...

    ReplyDelete
  2. By the way, have you seen the "FedEx What If"? Randy managed to synthesize both of his weird fetishes in a single image!

    ReplyDelete
  3. PERSON WHO IS LE TROLLING YOUFebruary 5, 2013 at 7:57 PM

    HAHA YOUR BLUG IS THE SUXXING LE ROB. I R TROLLING YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW LOLOL. ALSO YOU LOOK LIKE THIS FAT UGLY DINOSAUR, ONLY FATTER.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If Rob looked like that, I'd like his posts even more.

      Delete
  4. 1169 had the slightest hint of a decent joke hidden in it. But Randall. Therefore, it sucked.

    Here's my attempt to improve it by removing excessive unnecessary redundant overdone needless superfluous gratuitous unessential dialogue without otherwise altering Randall's writing. Still not great, but better than the mess of PPD he's got now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, the joke does work better that way but I can't help noticing it's still that joke.

      Don't be too discouraged, though. Even goatkcd hasn't been doing a good job of making xkcd funny since the Star Trek I/into Darkness one.

      Delete
    2. Nicely done, but hardly addresses the greater problem of Randall Ran Out(tm) of ideas and instead borrowed from the lineup of humor already so beaten to death that western expansion's impact on the American Buffalo looks like Not A Fucking Slaughter in comparison. All of America's most prolific authors have already shown that motherly advice is not to be trusted.

      Delete
    3. that just shows the level of regression on display here. in the past, randy knew that "character takes something literally" was a fucking dumb joke, hence the gag in that comic is the charater's absurdity. look it him shaking his fist in silly rage! isn't he silly? now it is 2013 and randy no longer cares. "sure, he takes something literally, that's the joke. oh, he has to stretch logic beyond belief in order for it to be irrational? yeah, sure, whatever, wake me up when someone buys a t-shirt"

      next week: "mom, do you know what 1 plus 1 is?" "yes randy, it's 2" "no, it's 10! i was using BINARY (like what computers use)!" "oh dear how stupid of me :("

      Delete
    4. Sleeper,
      I am of the opinion that people ought to be slapped every time they criticize something because it's been done before. Originality is for bad thrillers (and they still don't manage).

      Delete
    5. Jump off a bridge rebuttals have their own tvtropes page: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/JumpOffABridgeRebuttal

      It's not simply the case that it's unoriginal, the joke itself is long dead. Of course, that didn't stop some Randall-lover from putting the comic up on the tropes page itself.

      Delete
  5. is it even possible for randall to lose his fanbase at this point

    i mean he's pretty much made his fans synonymous with sciencefans, and those don't seem like they'll go away for a while

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Next XKCD could be: "I hate you all. You're all stupid sycophants. Yes, you reading this comic." Alt-text: "No, this is not a joke." The forumites would then wax poetic about the double meanings and being the official "opposite day" that coincides with an official Opposition Day, as observed by some Westminster System governments, or some other nonsense.

      From the comics it seems to me he is trying as hard as he can to lose his fanbase, and it just won't happen. It's something of a dark joke played on us all. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

      Delete
    2. GEEEE AYYYY JOOOOO

      Delete
  6. I enjoyed Rob's critiques this time around. The repetition shows his trademark lack of effort, but further drives home the mundane nature of the recent XKCD comics.

    "Man, I waste so much time on the Internet. I bet Internet is something my web commic viewers identify with. Think I'll just blog about the shit I do online!" Ugh. Has Randal ever been quite this bad before? I mean, terrible yes, but this is just not even a comic anymore.

    I would probably like it more if the comic abandoned these sad attempts at humor and simply became a stick figure illustrated twitter stream of monotony. Who am I kidding, Cuddlefish would just eat that shit right up and be exponentially more obnoxious soon I'd hate it even more than I do now. "OMG, did you read XKCD today?! Randal went on Wikipedia and clicked the 'talk' link! Can you believe it?! Oh, wasn't it great when Randal spent half the morning just using Google Maps WITH THE ROADS TURNED OFF. I know, right?! GENIUS!" Hmm, actually, how the fuck could I tell the difference between that and now?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that's right, motherfuckers, laziness is now officially (tm) ROB
      you wanna be lazy you gotta give me a chunk of the royalties

      Delete
    2. Workers work while the lazy Rob.

      Delete
  7. randy takes a decent idea for a joke and then explains it to death. bravo for not just making a shitty comic, but also for ruining the premise forever.

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  8. capitallisation isnt pointless

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  9. Holy shit, 1170 is actually kind of clever. It's not executed very well; it's way too wordy for one thing. Basically the entire last panel is superfluous, and even without that the punch line in panel 3 is still too wordy. And then the alt-text is just repeating the joke, albeit from a different angle. So yeah, execution is sloppy as always.

    But it was kind of clever. I'll give him that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not very clever. The whole set up is weird. The whole thing doesn't make sense with a "No, you can't go." I mean where did the kid want to go? Mini-golfing? To the movies? It must have been pretty bad to pull out the big bridge-jumping guns. The "jumping off a bridge" talk is the cliche for parents talking about something that (they feel) is actually stupid, like doing drugs. It's really unnatural in the "I want to go out with my friends" scenario in panel 1. The typical parental response to that is "My word is final."

      If panel 1 had been "I found these cigarettes soaked with formaldehyde in your room." "All my friends are doing it." "If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you?" "Oh Jeez Probably." Then panel 4 would be "The most likely scenario is every single person you know is a goddamned idiot because they are smoking cigarettes soaked with formaldehyde. You are grounded for life, and no more hanging out with all your idiot friends, smartass."

      Randy is attacking a well-known colloquialism without really understanding its use.

      Delete
    2. Bingo. If all my friends suddenly jumped off a bridge, I'd assume that all my friends had suddenly lost their senses. The [b]whole point of the fucking saying you god damn fucking retard Randall[/b] is that you should think for yourself no matter how many people you know and trust command you otherwise.

      N.B. That's not the same as ignoring what other people do. It just means that you never blindly follow them. "Assuming" a bridge is on fire? What the even fuck? You might check, but you certainly wouldn't fucking assume it. Anyway, I thought he was a physicist. If it was a light e.g. wooden bridge, you may be better off descending slowly with the bridge as it slips down than jumping off it. If it was a heavy bridge, made of concrete or something, why the merry fuck would your first assumption be that the bridge is on fire?

      I wonder whether one day Randall will explain away a shower of bullets as "probably some particularly heavy rain because why would someone ever fire near someone so adored as myself?" and then ends up sufficiently air-conditioned that he can never post another fucking xkcd again.

      Delete
    3. This was all done before nearly 15 years ago.

      Delete
    4. Maybe this cliche should be put to rest. Maybe kids nowadays are smart enough to rationalize their stupidity and actually will come up with a smug response like Randall here.

      Maybe next time your kid uses the "everybody's doing it!" line you should sit them down and have a nice frank discussion about the Holocaust.

      Delete
  10. what's the deal with incest fetishes anyway? do they exist purely because of incest taboos? why do so many people find the idea of twin sex so hot?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dude, seriously? You don't get it?

      Also, redundancy.

      And there's like, two of them.

      Delete
    2. Yes, they only exist because of incest taboos. If everyone was openly fucking his mother, then no-one would want to openly fuck his mother.

      Wait what.

      Delete
  11. chris houlihan's room

    ReplyDelete
  12. Why is communicating badly and then acting smug when you're misunderstood stupid, if acting smug by pretending to misunderstand an easily discernible implication is clever?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because Randallite geeks are the worst sort of human beings, drowning in an ocean of unwarranted self-importance, convinced that obvious wordplay and ignorance of context are the keys to good argument.

      More than once when someone has asked me, "Why aren't you in computing like you always said you wanted?" I point to Randull's work and say, "Because it is full of arrogant, closed-minded fools who think like this kid." Unsurprisingly, anyone who is /not/ a dork has immediately understood what I am trying to say.

      Delete
    2. anyone who has not understood was in computing

      Delete
    3. Randall's fanclub managed to have a flamewar of epic proportions over HTML, so I think it is fair to say there aren't many that are "in computing". You're not in computing because you're lazy and/or incompetent.

      Delete
  13. Actually, "Amazon" originally refers a group of warrior women in Ancient Greece, though some would mistakenly contend that they were mythological. The river was named after them because Francisco de Orellana, who discovered the river, noted a tribe of warrior women who lived there. And by "discover" I mean seen by someone who was white enough to matter (though of course he was Spanish, so it was something of a borderline case.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. stop using facts - it is a sign of a flawed style - kthxbai

      Delete
    2. eumomo, you try way too hard, please stop

      I live in europe and my whole country is looking at you and -

      actually, just looking at you

      you should know what to feel when a bunch of Slavs start looking at you

      Delete
  14. 1170: Randall's so short on ideas he begins stealing Facebook posts from 14-year-old girls.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. God knows how, but the first time round I took that in as, "...begins stealing parts from 14-year-old girls on Facebook."

      Delete
    2. That would make a good thriller. Starring Joe Pantoliano.

      Delete
    3. What happens if a girl takes viagra anyway? Does she just stay wet?

      Delete
  15. you ever wonder if there's aliens out there but they're actively avoiding us because we let something like xkcd get popular

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    Replies
    1. Capitalism is a good enough reason to ignore this planet entirely.

      If a bunch of humans can't get on with each other and instead base their whole society on competing, why would an alien race think we'd be able to handle more sentient beings?

      xkcd is, of course, the worst sort of product of capitalism, and the best sort of evidence that freedom of expression only exists because no-one of relevance cares what the majority thinks.

      Delete
    2. if they are actively avoiding us why do they fly around in ufo's?

      Delete
    3. How else would they actively avoid us? By landing in Identified FOs?

      Delete
    4. To capture world leaders and substitute them with reptilian clones. And also to relay orders to Mossad in accordance to their plan of enslaving or destroying all of humanity.

      Delete
    5. That's hardly avoidance, Euromuppet.

      Delete
    6. Aliens aren't avoiding Earth, this is mere lies spread by the zionist propaganda. Carl Sagan was hired by the aliens as a part of the jewish-martian partneship to cover up all evidences of extraterrestrial activity and conquer all humans. Aliens did 9/11 so the reptillian-dominated USA would have an excuse to invade North Korea, the last bastion of human resistance against the invasion of the Mars-Tel'Aviv alliance. You have to spread the truth!

      Delete
    7. eumomo, you try way too hard, please stop

      I live in europe and my whole country is looking at you and -

      actually, just looking at you

      you should know what to feel when a bunch of Slavs start looking at you

      Delete
    8. Anger that they are not doing the menial labour you paid them a pittance to do?

      Delete
    9. euromuppet i liked you better when you were talking about how homosexuals are an abomination unto the lord

      Delete
  16. I'm totally rooting for Christopher Dorner.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dearest Eumesmopo,

      You are, quite simply, a dullard.

      I know it.
      And you know it.

      Delete
  17. The Tutor was commissioned to write some crap to commemorate the first anniversary of the events of September 11, 2001. With a mawkish touch of Erich Segal, but with 50% less of the maudlin, he composed the following dross.

    Todd Beamer versus an Aircraft Carrier Battle Group
    The events of that sunny September morning succeeded only in revealing America’s strengths. Those strengths were never really absent, only latent. The events of that day, especially the drama in Pennsylvania, precipitated a crystallisation of the American spirit.
    Todd Beamer, and the brave, intrepid, but ultimately doomed, of United 93, did more to stiffen the spiritual resolve of America than a flotilla of Aircraft Carrier Battle Groups could ever hope to. Those two score heroes single-handedly forged the iron of America’s soul into steel. They turned terror into a force that ennobled human beings rather than making them cower in fear. And now, on the first anniversary, how silly the terrorists have been. They have allowed America to become not only angry, but bored. America is never really dangerous until it is bored.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I picture most of you wearing orange and yellow space tunics. Vintage Penny Robinson, only your boobs aren't as big.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Space tunics?
      Are these like space frocks, only shorter?
      Vintage Mary Quant maybe?

      Delete
    2. this is very flattering and kind of you, thank you

      Delete
  19. Seriously? This "captcha" word verification thingy sucks. There are easier ways of proving I'm not a robot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SUCK ITTTTTTTTTTT

      and enjoy ittttttttttt

      robottttttttttttt

      Delete
  20. I was booked on flight 93, but I changed flights the night before when they wouldn't upgrade me to first class. Being a snob kept me from having to say "Fuck yeah!" in response to Beamer's "Let's roll!".

    ReplyDelete
  21. I used to be all for polygamy/polyamory but then I realized that if that were socially acceptable it'd make Randall happy and now I'm not so sure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I first learned about Hitler's concern for animal welfare, I was all, "Meh, okay, some arseholes will share some of my opinions."

      But every opinion which I share with Randall - and there are very few - I feel the need to strenuously question.

      This is how much I reject Randall: enabling him is worse than enabling Hitler. Six years after Hitler's rise to power, half of Europe was against him; a couple of years later, much of the rest of the world was too. xkcd has been going since September 2005. That's almost seven and a half years without war being declared.

      Why have troops not descended on Randall's mother's house? Why has Megan not been liberated? Why have the instruments of torture that are Randall's pencils/tablets not been confiscated? cui bono?

      Also my cat jumped on thekeyboard and angrily typed: 76ytiu8jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj, My cat, although he likes getting in my way, usually politely avoids the keyboard. He evidently also considers this to be an issue of paramount importance.

      Delete
    2. I wonder whether a person with a concern for animal welfare has any business owning a cat. A predatory creature so driven to hunt that, even when domesticity removes the necessity, it is not satisfied unless it is allowed to continue killing. Not only kill, but also playfully torture its victims to death. Is this not precisely what is abhorred in humanity's treatment of animals? Is your choice of pet not simply an assignment of a proxy for your own inherent cruelty, responsibility carefully eschewed under the guise of an animal not knowing any better?

      For shame, 12:41. At least Hitler was a dog person.

      Delete
    3. ALTF, I just knew you were a cat person. Brava!

      Cats are not owned, 12:10.

      And he's a great mouser. Better to be hunted than to be farmed.

      Delete
    4. They are bred. They are sold. Commercial demand for this transaction inflates their population disproportionately. Juggle semantics all you like, but know that you succeed only in convincing yourself of your own personal delusion.

      Delete
    5. Anonymous February 9, 2013 at 12:10 PM bleated,

      ".......Not only kill, but also playfully torture its victims to death......"

      Are we to construe from this statement that you disapprove of this avocation?

      Fucking Librul!


      Anonymous February 9, 2013 at 12:27 PM mewled,

      "........ALTF, I just knew you were a cat person. Brava!......"

      Fuck off I am. I just preferred the prose of the angrily 'typing' cat is all.

      Delete
    6. You argument is boring and assumes I bought a cat rather than adopting a homeless cat and immediately neutering him, an act which serves to reduce the population of cats by establishing a territory belonging to one cat without issue.

      Delete
    7. ALTF February 9, 2013 at 12:42 PM puked,

      ".....Fuck off I am....."

      Yes yes. What are their names and do you have any photos of them? :-)

      Delete
    8. Anonymous February 9, 2013 at 12:43 PM bored,

      ".......You(sic) argument is boring and assumes I bought a cat rather than adopting a homeless cat..........blah fucking blah Librul shite blah...."

      Wrong cunt!
      My argument only assumes what you have made quite obvious, which is, you are an unlettered Librul cunt.


      Anonymous February 9, 2013 at 12:55 PM?

      I do not puke. I cascade semi-digested invective. Besides, it is your vile emetic effect which is to blame.

      Delete
    9. I was not referring to you argument in that post, ALTF.

      Delete
    10. So?
      As all roads lead to Rome, all comments lead to me.

      AND IT IS NOT MY FAULT!

      Delete
    11. @12:43 And you would have been better off drowning the beast, rather than keeping it in good health and glutting its stomach so that it may better wreak havoc on the local wildlife for the pure joy of it. Your feline prince is but a Roman noble exercising his right to decadent cruelty, and you are the benefactor facilitating such behaviour.

      "Your argument is boring." So sorry to have wasted time you would have preferred to have invested in watching Biggest Loser highlights on YouTube.

      "My cat can not be a prince as she is female." Here you have come to the crux of my argument and demolished it. I stand defeated, and will soon lie down as such.

      Delete
    12. man i love the violently anti-cat rhetoric the animal rights douchebags are pulling out these days. "GRR I HATE THESE ANIMALS BECAUSE THEY AREN'T SUFFICIENTLY ANIMALY FOR MY TASTES"

      personally it is my estimation that cats are vastly superior to other animals precisely because they bring us one step closer to a bird-free society

      Delete
    13. Oh, Rob, how extensively you fail to grasp the concept. How simplistic you are in attempting to reduce it to a mere issue of animal rights. These animals are extremely "animaly." The problem is an environmental imbalance stemming from their treatment as domestic creatures.

      Delete
    14. you say environmental imbalance as if it's a bad thing.

      Delete
    15. Anon@2:59 would prefer the sort of "environmental balance" in which Anon@2:59 is eaten by wild cats.

      Delete
    16. Why do you hate birds, Rob? Is it because they eat all the delicious spiders?

      Delete
    17. I love cats especially with white sauce get it I mean I love them in the sense of enjoying the flavour of them because I eat them?

      Delete
    18. I didn't even know there were people who are against cats for this kind of reasons -- and I say that as a self-proclaimed animal rights person. I love cats. I can pet them and they purr.

      Also, Rob's point reminded me of that: http://i.imgur.com/cLZ0d.jpg

      Delete
    19. Cats maintain a healthy bird population by killing off the weaker birds, so there is a less competitive environment for the stronger birds.

      The majority of songbirds don't live to reproduce. Maby of them won't even survive the first winter.

      Delete
    20. Yes, the best way to kill off a species is to remove all of its predators.

      Delete
  22. In the wretched land in which I currently find myself, if you patronise a Pet Shop for the purposes of purchasing a pet, you must pay a 13% Retail Sales Tax on the sticker price of that kitty, puppy, coelecanth, or what ever it was that struck your fancy.
    If, however, you insist that you intend to eat that kitty, puppy, coelecanth or whatever, the retail sales tax is not levied - food is not taxable. If you are actually successful in convincing the sales clerk to still sell you your new 'pet', you can legally avoid this form of heinous taxation.
    On pure bred puppies, this 13% savings can be large indeed.
    AND if, in a year or so, the Retail Sales Tax Storm Troopers jack-boot their authoritarian way into your home to discover that you have not eaten Fluffy - as there he is, licking its testicles, contentedly, in front of the fire - you need only exclaim, "I am fattening him up! He'll be eaten when he's good and plump!"

    The Tutor tells me it works a treat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That narrows things down. Not in the motherland, then.

      Would I have to pay 13% on chocolate spread if used as part of interracial roleplay? Does someone with pica get away with no sales tax at all?

      Delete
    2. To your first query: It depends. If it is sold at the local Tescos, it is tax free, but if you purchase it at an "Adult Store" it is taxable.
      To your second query: No, but they get free health care and help with their sluggish bowels - the adroit insertion of a man's European size 46 1/2 Beatle Boot

      Delete
    3. And your "Live Link" is as totally fuct as you are.

      Delete
    4. http://www.taxanalysts.com/www/freefiles.nsf/Files/APPENDIX.pdf/$file/APPENDIX.pdf

      Fucking Google.

      Delete
    5. You won't find me there.
      This fucking country has internal sub-divisions which also levy VAT.

      Delete
    6. IS IT WALES, ALTF?

      ARE YOU A MISSIONARY IN THE VALLEYS?

      Delete
    7. It's been long established that ALT-F lives in Canada. You may find this table of more use to your seductive games.

      Delete
    8. Tax tables AND seductive games?

      Ha! hold my Brain; be still my beating Heart.

      I do not so much as live in Canada, as endure it when I am not otherwise elsewhere. The Tutor as 'annoyed' the potentates of several Developed and Developing countries, and as such, being his 'property and all. I am cursed to endure this hardship in the frozen land of Soviet Canuckistan.

      Delete
  23. my farts all the time smell like chicken but i'm a vegetarian, i haven't eaten chicken in like 10 years

    what's going on with my butt somebody help me

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe all the chicken around you smells of farts

      Delete
    2. Anon@6:35, you are a chicken.

      Delete
    3. think about it: you eat the same thing a chicken eats.

      Delete
    4. Are you accusing Anon@6:35 of eating the bugs and raw seeds in the sand which might be located e.g. in your mom's vagina, Anon@8:27?

      Delete
  24. Anonymous February 9, 2013 at 6:03 PM said,

    ".....It's been long established that ALT-F lives in Canada. You may find this table of more use to your seductive games......"


    Tax tables AND seductive games?

    Ha! hold my Brain; be still my beating Heart.

    I do not so much as live in Canada, as endure it when I am not otherwise elsewhere. The Tutor as 'annoyed' the potentates of several Developed and Developing countries, and as such, being his 'property and all, I am cursed to endure this hardship in the frozen land of Soviet Canuckistan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. why did you post this twice

      Delete
    2. Because I am a fucking cunt.

      Why did you notice?

      Delete
    3. Because we crave validation from you.

      Why, is this what you wanted to hear?

      Delete
    4. As a Narcissistic Psychopath, it is incumbent upon me to ensure I surround myself with Enablers who crave the quantity and quality of self-validation that only I can provide.

      Query?
      Are you at liberty to answer with the collective 'we'?

      Delete
    5. I am at liberty to answer with the collective wee.

      Delete
    6. I immediately commit all ALTF posts to memory on reading them.

      Delete
    7. Anonymous February 11, 2013 at 10:18 AM said,

      "......I immediately commit all ALTF posts to memory on reading them......"

      Though I am flattered, I would prefer you commit crimes instead. I am told that the otherwise unworkable "Defence of Necessity" is acceptable if you can convince the Judiciary that "ALT-F made me do it".

      Delete
  25. hey guys i'm 14 and a girl and the past few days my boobs have been leaking milk. is this normal? is there any way to stop it? most people are saying i must be pregnant but i've never had sex so i don't know what's going on

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do not waste a single drop of it. Put the milk in safety, give me your adress and wait. Do NOT open your door to random strangers until then unless their knocks spell out "I come for the milk" in Morse code.

      Delete
    2. Lament Lladnar's latteral lasciviousness!

      Delete
    3. oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. This is not good. I think the first Christ was good, but the second one is supposed to be a bad motherfucker. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

      Delete
    4. I've basically had to milk myself every day so it doesn't leak when I'm at school. I got curious and tasted some of it yesterday and...it's actually kind of good? Is that weird?

      Delete
  26. Dearest Rob,

    I grow weary of having to continually reveal my most secret C.V. - in all its glorious inexactitude - every 6 months or so as I educate a new crop of morons that happen upon this Internet carbuncle of yours.
    Please to add a synopsis of the life and times of yours truly in the "Frequently Asked Questions" section of this, your baby?

    That's a good boy and have a nice day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've read it all before. I feed off exasperation.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous February 11, 2013 at 9:45 AM lamented,

      ".......I've read it all before. I feed off exasperation......"

      Why would the minutiae of my banal life infuriate you? Am I misunderstanding your use of the word 'exasperation'?

      Delete
    3. AL-TF February 11, 2013 at 11:19 AM attempted,

      "...Am I misunderstanding your use of the word 'exasperation'?..."

      And uncountably many other things. Cantor would be flummoxed.

      Delete
    4. Anonymous February 11, 2013 at 12:31 PM bristled,

      ".......And uncountably many other things. Cantor would be flummoxed......"

      "Uncountably"? You're teasing me. You know I just fucking love adverbs. Except "quintessentially". That's a cunt's adverb if ever I saw one. In fact all words which begin with "Q" are cunt words.

      Which Cantor?
      I know several.

      Delete
    5. You should care for but one Cantor in a countability context, you quintessentially Oriental lummox.

      Delete
    6. I'm quite quieted by your quarrelsome questions regarding the qualities of queues full of words beginning with Q. So I quit.

      Delete
    7. ".......You should care for but one Cantor in a countability context, you quintessentially Oriental lummox......"

      Not so, you lommocking cuntribbit. One, Gregory "The Girth" Cantor - from grade school - could please me in uncountable ways.

      And it's "Asian" not "Oriental", you racist, and ignorant-of-the-original-meaning-of-the-word-"Oriental" cunt!

      Delete
  27. guys I think my sister's girlfriend is into me, is it incest to have a threesome with your gay sister

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the term for that is "wincest."

      Delete
  28. 1172....... omfg Randall you are a total fucking shithead, and all your dork friends are obviously fake dork friends that don't really exist except insofar as they are fictional entities created by the man to perpetuate the psychological dependence of the sheeple on the quadropoly that currently controls not merely the world's computers but also its data and communication.

    Obviously, any "feature" of a program that causes a CPU to overheat is going to be dependant on the ARCHITECTURE OF THE FUCKING CPU. No self respecting GNU emacs geek would complain when AN OBVIOUSLY FUCKING PROPRIETARY feature of a GNU program is removed, because it is dependant on a patented CPU architecture that is controlled BY THE FUCKING MAN.

    XKCD is not merely bad, no, it is now officially, patently, a bought and paid for tool of the information industrial complex, for the purpose of tainting geek culture from its true cause of totally unfounded anger at largely imaginary enemies towards at best mildly amusing inanities.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. for (;;) ; /* WARNING: architecture dependent */

      Delete
    2. dude, you need a break;

      Delete
  29. Too bad I have nowhere to goto

    ReplyDelete
  30. ~15 million Jews in the world, or 0.2% of the population.

    Think hard about that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very clever, Anon@11:24. You want me to say something which suggests I am an anti-Semite.

      Well, Anon@11:24, you won't succeed. You see, I am not an anti-Semite. I am...

      A Demographer.

      And I am merely interested in how certain small cohorts are represented in a big world.

      Aren't you interested in this, Anon@11:24?

      Are you some sort of Demo-denier, Anon@11:24?

      Delete
    2. No, to both questions.

      Delete
    3. So you are not not interested, and you are not a Demo-denier? Excellent.

      Delete
    4. Are you some sort of cunt, Anon @ 11:35?

      Personally, I think of myself as a broad spectrum anti-Semite. I just simply detest those pesky Gram-positive Hebrews and Arabs, but not near as much as I loathe those loathingly loathsome Gram-negative Assyrians and Babylonians.
      Sheesh!
      And don't get me started on those irksome Phoenicians and Chaldeans, shite, they're just utterly horrid.

      Delete
    5. ALTF, I have infrequently wanted to ask you whether you prefer to read hieroglyphic, hieratic or demotic text?

      Delete
    6. There are so many more worthy of enablement. Like your tutor, I can only spread myself so thinly.

      Delete
    7. The Tutor, although a psychopath, is not also a narcissist. He does not require Enablers.

      I am both.
      I am worthy.
      You are not.
      I prefer my enablers to be more viscous, AND to mimic a non-Newtonian fluid. The stress of a co-planar shear-force will thin you, not temperature.

      Delete
  31. Replies
    1. Why should any of us care tha you don't fuck cunts?

      Delete
    2. Cancers Love To RapeFebruary 13, 2013 at 6:51 AM

      Well?
      Why should you care?
      Speculate.
      Start with your quirky and weird proclivity for conflating the subjects of two seemingly unrelated sentences/pejorative fragments. Be sure to be balanced, unbiased and neutral.
      That's a good boy.

      Delete
    3. His first sentence isn't properly segregated by pontuation, that was the joke... :\

      And your username is Cancers Love to Rape and you're calling ME weird!? Fuck you, asshole!

      Delete
    4. With pontuation
      I'm able to enable
      The segregation.

      Delete
    5. (Psst Euromuppet, that was a copypasta of some ALTF post from the last thread.)

      Delete
  32. Any of the fleshy viruses here wonder what it feels like after you're dead?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very frequently. Sometimes, in the midst of carnal satiation with my girlfriend, I wonder whether she even feels anything at all.

      Delete
    2. Dammit, this comment section is getting worse than 4chan.

      Delete
    3. Non-surprise of the day: euromuppet posts on 4chan.

      Delete
    4. how does it feel being a pedophile

      Delete
    5. If I were you, Euromuppet, I would also feel disgust. But not for being a pædophile.

      captcha: voreport. At least you're not into that... right?

      Delete
    6. As a matter of fact I do indeed like vore (exclusively inside the context of macrophilia), as opposed to the paraphilia you previously mentioned which I do not find enjoyable and am quite disgusted by.

      Delete
    7. A furry expressing disgust at someone else's fetish? lol internet.

      Delete
  33. nope. been there done that. Tip: the reaper sucks at hopscotch. In addition to all the ones from Bill and Ted's bogus journey, of course.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Sometimes I have a big bowl of clam chowder for dinner, and always, always, like 24 hours later my shit is this disturbing off-white color. Should i stop eating this stuff?

    ReplyDelete
  35. Who the hell is Megan talking to in 1173? Is it supposed to be George H.W. Bush as depicted in Doonesbury?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it's supposed to be Randall's too lazy to draw an interesting-looking alien.

      Delete
  36. I have no butt and I must poop

    ReplyDelete
  37. I don't think I'm trans, but sometimes I really wish I had a penis. Like, I don't consider myself a man, but I really want to have a member I can stick in people. And yes I have a strap-on, but it's just not enough sometimes, you know?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your tongue is close enough, stop overthinking it.

      Delete
    2. You're not alone. I am a man, but I also really want to have a member I can stick in people. They always try to run away and call the cops and shit. :(

      Delete
  38. Anyone else ever put hot sauce on their crotch? I mean, you know going in there's no way it won't feel horrible, but you gotta be sure, know what i mean?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We grow hot chili peppers at home. As men are wont to do, I have occasionally scratched my cock&balls at the wrong time. STINGS LIKE FUCK, gentlemen.

      Delete
    2. Yes, it hurts. Once I did it by accident while sitting in the nude eating a pork roll with way too much hot sauce, and I think it permanently dulled my nerve endings. I haven't had a decent orgasm since.

      Delete
    3. No, nobody else ever does that, you perverted sicko.

      Myself, I have a strict "only-put-hot-sauce-on-other-people's-crotches" policy.

      (well also on fajitas I guess.)

      Delete
  39. Sometimes I worry that if Randall weren't around to abstract everything into condescending explanations, no one would ever understand anything.

    Especially not the universal sphincter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RIP Kirk Johnson

      May his ethereal anus envelop the whole universe

      Delete
  40. Do you think Randall knows that everyone knows about his lactation fetish? Do you think he even realizes he has a fetish?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree in hating Randall for a number of things, but I'd like to take a moment to point out that I think female breasts which are currently producing milk are incredibly arousing.

      Delete
    2. All female bodily fluids are hot. The trouble with Randy is not that he has a milk fetish, but that he is a creep who patronises women as weak victims needing White Knight protection while secretly all he wants to do is attach a milk pump to Megan, jack off in a glass of her still-warm breast milk, and swallow it while wallowing in a slough of teenage existentialism and jacking off to cartoons of RMS kicking children down the stairs.

      Delete
  41. I'm not hating on him for having a fetish per se, just for being so oblivious about it.

    ReplyDelete
  42. The Boy Scouts of America are run by Mormons.

    This isn't some great sinister conspiracy, it's too boring for that. Just, the upper hierarchy of the BSA consists mostly of Mormons.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I know Fucking Aquarians does not like that older fecker, Peter Gabriel, but when I met him and his wife, Meabh, I was very impressed.
    He's a nice guy - and smart!
    AND he let me do a line off his boner!

    ReplyDelete
  44. My hatred for you is a bottomless pit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ALTF's bottomless pit for you is hatred.

      Delete
  45. I suspect the Tutor's hatred for you, Leslie, has a bottom.

    I think it's your bottom, actually.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I don't think so. Rumour has it your tutor IS a botttom.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Correction.
    The Tutor is a bottttom. The addition of that fourth voiceless alveolar plosive consonant makes all the difference for a civilised lady's satisfying 'finish'.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Replies
    1. ALTF: 1. You: 0.

      No I lie, no-one making that level of effort wins.

      ALTF: 0. You: -0.

      One's complement, my friends. And no compliment for you.

      Delete
    2. Dear oh dear,
      That fecker who insists on hyphenating "no one" is back.
      The Queen is rolling in her grave and she isn't even dead yet.
      Good play on the complement/compliment though.

      -0?

      Que?

      Delete
    3. Binary jokes: Either you love 'em xor you hate 'em.

      Delete
    4. ALTF eschews no-one's complement.

      Delete
    5. Fuck off with the hy-fucking-phen for chris' sakes?

      Have you no shame?
      Cease and desist or I'll make escheatage of your gonads to Her Majesty.

      Delete
  49. Look like Alt-F are having a temper-tantrum?

    ReplyDelete
  50. new comic is a copy:
    http://chainsawsuit.com/2013/01/23/view-the-desktop-version-of-this-site

    ReplyDelete
  51. 1174 ``app''

    He made a nearly identical comic a couple of years ago. It was something along the lines of ``Hey, server! Can I have a web page?'' ``No, have a mobile homepage instead!''

    ReplyDelete
  52. Found it:

    http://xkcd.com/869/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. + 1 frame instead of 100;
      - Repeats joke;
      + Repeats joke about server forgetting you;
      - Joke wasn't funny in the first place.

      On balance, that's two days Randall might as well not have got up for.

      Delete
  53. guys can anyone tell me if the police can tell who a poop came from

    i need to know asap

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've just done my citizen's duty and told the police that the poop came from you.

      So, yes, the police can now tell who the poop came from.

      Delete
    2. No, poop does not carry any recognizable DNA. But they can sometimes find DNA from skin cells on used toilet paper though.

      Delete
  54. Heavily non-human Nuclear DNA rich shite-for-brains Eumesmopo, the Stool DNA Test is standard fare for indicating the presence of precancerous polyps or colon cancer. Nuclear DNA containing cells are continually shed from the lining of the colon through normal stool evacuation.

    Fucking ignoramus!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *healthy poop does not carry any recognizable DNA.
      -
      If your inner intestines are simply peeling off that obviously changes things.

      Delete
    2. You are not very smart, Eumesmopo. Not very smart at all.

      Delete
  55. I smushed a spider against the wall of my room a week ago, and he sort of dried out so he's still stuck there. He's cool. We hang out sometimes.

    ReplyDelete