Thursday, January 24, 2013

Comics 1160-1164: Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

1160. Contrived as most of my jokes. F
1161. Uh, okay. F
1162. I have no opinion on this at all. C
1163. Brains: they suck! C
1164. I like how the old man in this is the same figure he uses to draw RMS. C

255 comments:

  1. Your review of 1164 is too long. Could you please summarise the salient points for busy people like me.

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    1. stallman beats up little kids

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    2. Thank you.

      If only Randall made as much effort to listen to his audience as Rob!

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  2. If you inlined the comics then I'd never have to visit that awful site again!

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    1. if i inlined the comics i'd have to do slightly more work

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    2. If you died you would have to do slightly less work :)

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    3. Eumesmopo, you are my least favourite poster here.

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    4. That's because no one likes honest people.

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    5. No, it's because you say as much as ALTF but without her style.

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  3. "Do you love me, Rob?"
    "I have no opinion on this at all. C"

    One day, Rob realized he could use his talents as a webcomic critic in all areas of his life. He's still wondering what went wrong. I mean, he had no opinion, really!!

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    Replies
    1. opinions are like assholes in that revealing yours to a stranger without their consent should be a criminal offense

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    2. i'm an atheist

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    3. QED. The most annoying feature of modern life is people who go around declaring what they don't believe in.

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    4. I can take other people's freedom to express themselves. Fuck me, right?

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    5. When you say "freedom to express", do you mean "freedom to be an asshole", "freedom to look like an idiot", or something useful?

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    6. You live in a world were people who don't have a high opinion of you or your beliefs exist, there's nothing you can do to change that fact, so you have to choose if you're going to deal with them maturely or if you're going to call them names and tell them to shut up. I'm taking the first choice.

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    7. "QED. The most annoying feature of modern life is people who go around declaring what they don't believe in."

      So you don't believe people should be doing that?

      OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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    8. College freshman@11:34:
      >freedom to hold a belief
      >freedom of expression

      They are nowhere near the same.

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    9. I get the impression I have had a discussion with this one same anon before...

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    10. Seems likely. Usually there is only one person who disagrees with any particular position on the Internet.

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    11. Anyway... I fixed it for people who care about any difference that might or might not exist between thinking something and saying it out loud:

      *You live in a world were people who don't have a high opinion of you or your beliefs and who will clearly let you know every detail of that exist...

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    12. @4:35: most annoying feature of modern life? Oh man, let's switch worlds, yours sounds awesome!! :D

      @Eumesmopo 11:34: Would you have a mature conversation with me about my belief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster? I kinda doubt it, but who knows, maybe you're not a hypocrite (of the kind that deserves to be hammered to death, if I may add), and instead truly think all beliefs are respectable?

      Not that I disagree with your overall point though.

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    13. @Eumesmopo: I've never had anyone tell me every detail of their low opinion of me and my beliefs. I've had a few rational, intelligent individuals explore my premises and point out my flaws in reasoning, but that's not the same as having them Type 7 their opinion.

      So, while we're on hypotheticals: I live in a world full of people who want to rape me and who will clearly rape me at every opportunity...

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    14. 755 - I would never have a conversation with a heathen who dares worship a false god such as that floating noodles of yours, Potatoism is the one true and original parody religion and Pastafarians are utter scum and blasphemous pigs on the eyes of the Great Potato.

      914 - I don't know what that "have someone" expression means, so I'm confused about what you're saying. Are saying that you never ever heard someone saying something negative about your creed/etc?

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    15. No, Eumesmopo, I'm not saying that.

      Before I continue this conversation, can you please confirm whether you've ever had a diagnosis of autism? I know you're not native, but the trouble you're having seems to run deeper than that, and I want to know whether I need to simplify my communication for you.

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    16. I have the slight impression that he/she/it is trying to patronize me.

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    17. Don't be ridiculous. Who would patronize the Great Eumesmopo?

      In your defense, I used to find this expression ("have s.o. do sth") pretty obscure too, and it took me a while to understand what the hell it meant. Most people (apart from the linguistically-trained maybe, which is to say, not a lot of people) have absolutely no idea what's "hard" and what's "easy" about their language.

      As a matter of fact, what they tend to find the most "obvious" is often the least so. For instance, Latinate words tend to be easier to blurt out when English isn't your native language, because that's the ones we tend to learn as students; indeed, they tend to have a more narrow semantic range, and be more formal than their Germanic counterparts. The latter tend to be more casual and less precise, often very context-dependent, which is less suited to, say, language class essays.

      Thanks to that, I can put up a decent pedantic persona (I've even had natives -- SEE HOW I USED THIS EXPRESSION -- tell me that the vocab I used in some of my writings was too complex. Needless to say, I'm still lightyears away from people like ALTF [and/or her thesaurus] or even reasonably literate speakers), but that's not because of my awesome command of the language; I just happen to be a French language speaker who knows how to relatively cleverly infuse my native language into English (and I like to think few people even realized there was such a... hm, "loophole", let alone know how to take advantage of it the way I do. Yes I'm vain and presumptuous like that.) Conversely, I'm way worse at putting up an average Joe persona as the text I'm writing gets longer and the mistakes/unnatural wordings more numerous.

      Aaaaanyway, I'm digressing. "Have s.o. do sth." is actually not obvious at all.

      P.S: JSYK, folks: I don't plan on feeling offended or saddened in the least if you tell me you don't care about all the above. I'll have you know that this is quite a common reaction to my linguistic ramblings.

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    18. Anon@8:40: By the fourth paragraph, you were sounding so French zat I was... hm donning my sunglasses and waiting for you to lift ze white flag.

      FWIW I find that it's easiest to recognise a non-native speaker online not by their writing but by their imprecise reading. I assume that this is because the extra cognitive load of translating a foreign language means a lack of remaining conscious brainpower to properly consider what is being said. The alternative is that non-native English speakers are just not as smart - looking at the course of history, I'm quite prepared to consider this hypothesis too.

      I also assume that you're a geek rather than a linguist, because the words are there but the music is thoroughly wanting.

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    19. Euromuppet is obviously mongolot.

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    20. @3:36: Hey, how about fuck you? :)

      IDK about that, and maybe that's what the despicable individual known as Eumesmopo meant to point out too. Namely: maybe you work differently, but when I hear/read English, I don't "translate". Well I guess only a neuroscientist could tell for sure -- then again probably not -- but personally, I'm pretty sure I just switch to full English mode. I even occasionally dream in English (and Japanese), which is probably the most compelling hint I had that it is possible to change your locale to a foreign language. Not saying it's a definite proof though.

      Note that I'm not saying "you become so good at translating that it's almost instant and you don't realize you're doing it". I'm saying that there's probably no such intermediary step at all.

      I have some formal training, but you're right, I'm not a linguist! That said, my previous comment wasn't meant as a technical text; it's more the kind of things a language teacher would talk about I guess. But in any case, thanks for reminding me I'm a failure who stopped pursuing his dreams of becoming a linguist and instead embraced a miserably passionless (and currently jobless) life. Thank you, friend. Much appreciated.

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    21. I'm not despicable, I'm "least favorite"...

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    22. Cala a boca, Eumesmopo. Todos aqui querem te matar.

      ^How was it? :D

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    23. Or maybe I should've said "todos queremos", but it sounded weird grammar-wise...

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    24. Camões would be so proud of you! My humble mind cannot describe the beauty of this verse, if only the others could understand it. *wipes out tear of joy*

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    25. Still, my dear poet, there's so much to learn. Beloved puppil, you must learn the trully menacing portuguese expressions. Repeat with me:

      _Cadê o baiano?

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    26. Hehe thank you! But none of this would have been possible weren't it for the hate you're filling my heart with. It's a collab between you and me, really!


      Hmmm, c-cad-- wait, are you trying to trick me into speaking in that hideous South American excuse for Portuguese? Voce esta louco! (<see I tried to adapt myself to your weird dialect. IINM, you always use "voce" no matter who you're speaking to, right? Or am I making this up. Oh and yes, I prefer not using accents at all because I'd probably get them wrong)

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    27. SurrenderMonkey@6:51 wrote:

      "...I'm saying that there's probably no such intermediary step at all..."

      Making the careful distinction between those genuinely brought up as bilingual and those who have mastered other languages later in life, there is lots of evidence that the latter never really leave their native language. Even if they think they're able to think, read and write in all languages, they're probably going through their native language.

      And, like I said, to me this is shown in the way a non-native reader always seems to be less efficient at reading English. A competent foreigner is not let down by the occasional slip when writing, but by clumsy comprehension.

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    28. 644
      Ah, the portuguese speak like they had monster cocks clogging up their throats and assholes. Brazilian portugue has way better legerity, fluidity and cadence.

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    29. "...legerity, fluidity and cadence."

      You missed out pretension, you uppity colonial.

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    30. Português não pode falar nada porque o que português gosta é de entrar na bicha da padaria pra poder levar cacete e pica quentinhos pra casa.

      ♪♫bah dum tss♪♫

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    31. @meanie 3:27: interesting study! But I'd sarcastically add that it indeed offers great insights as to how the brains of some bilingual (or "bilingual") native Chinese speakers who we know anything about, process individual English written words floating in a contextless bubble of non-communication... =D That is quite different from how a language is usually experienced.

      Also, as is said at the end of the article, the way the bilingual volunteers learned English could partly explain the findings. Me, I learned English mostly "naturally", and I honestly doubt I rely on my native language when e.g. watching an American comedy show.

      First-generation Chinese immigrants (which the volunteers probably are since Chinese is their native language) tend to be poorly integrated, socioculturally-speaking. What with community-centered lifestyles (not to mention Chinatowns). The researchers probably chose them because their native language has lots of homophones (not counting tones), but other than that, it's a terrible choice IMO.

      Not claiming I know the truth, and it's not like I read a lot about that subject. But I'd need more evidences.

      I think you're making a valid point, though. Competent foreigners might have a limited number of tools, but if they make the best of them, they can be great at pretending; native speakers on the other hand have access to pretty much all the available tools, or use them differently than said foreigner, which can lead to clumsy comprehension on the part of the latter.

      -

      @subhuman yet sentient being known as Eumesmopo: I honestly can't take the Brazilian accent seriously. Not that I don't like it -- I do -- but it always sounds like you're just about to start a samba number or something. (I don't even mean that as an insult, it's really how it feels like to me.) Alternatively, it reminds me of the Brazilian-imported telenovelas that air all day long on Portuguese TV. Either way, it simply blows my mind that there are millions of people who actually speak with that accent literally all their lives without feeling stupid or empty in the inside. European Portuguese on the other hand, sounds pretty to my ears, if overly serious. Kids sound like adults.

      E o que brasileiro gosta é de fazer piadas horriveis. E de ser morto. I'll have you know that I'm of Portuguese descent (but my parents never spoke it at home so I'm pretty terrible at it.)

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    32. You mean Globo's soap operas? *shivers in disgust* I heard your kinsmen ears are also subjected to Michel Teló and Neopentecostal Preachers on their radios. I am so, so, so sorry for Portugual right now. I swear that not all of brazilian broadcast media is crap.

      PS: Piadas ruins é que são boas.

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    33. >I swear that not all of brazilian broadcast media is crap.

      The only good things Brazil has produced is bossanova and Angra. Also, when I go to Portugal I don't listen to radio much, but what I can tell you is that even in France we've been brainwashed with "Ai se eu te pego" :(

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  4. Replies
    1. richard stallman, notorious beardo

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    2. oh, ok, thx. i have never heard of him

      however, I do fancy men with beards. a lot. yeah

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    3. http://stallman.org/Portrait_-_Denmark_DTU_2007-3-31.jpg

      beardo does not mean 'man with beard' though

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    4. I've often seen a beard without a beardo, but never a beardo without a beard.

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    5. now i have to ask wot is a beardo then pls?

      ta for the pic. he looks kind of confused

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    6. He is confused about the terrible state of the world.

      Or about the look of broken trust in the eyes of the child he had just kicked down the stairs.

      Possibly there is no difference.

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    7. weaselsoup, query: do you post on the "large women" thread on /soc/?

      I have this feeling that you have thought about it but haven't. Please tell me whether my telepathy is on form this afternoon.

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    8. a/ I am impressed that you remember that I am a fat bird
      b/ wot is /soc/? i have never heard of it
      c/ your memory is good, your telepathy is not

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    9. b/ /soc/ is a recent offshoot of /b/ for pics and meetups and such. Awful place.
      c/ I knew it was wrong to look to Deanna for career advice.

      captcha: lohries. Because "lorries" itself isn't British enough.

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    10. awful it may be, but is that where fat birds go to find boyfriends? cos if so maybe i'll give it a try

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    11. This happens from time to time, yes. But it's more frequently where insecure birds of all sizes go to take off their clothes while young men give them attention and masturbate.

      Anyway, over the last two Christ-masses I have named you a time+location and you have rebuffed me.

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    12. that all sounds kind of depressing. what happened to human contact? what is the point of doing this stuff over the internet? I am too old for this stuff.

      and you are very kind anon but seriously. would you let your sister go on a rendezvous arranged this way? one should have some basic information about someone before meeting them, do you not think?

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    13. I think you're allowing yourself to be consumed by primal fear of the unknown.

      I'd be much more worried about someone with a suspiciously appealing backstory than I would be meeting someone about whom I know I know very little.

      And I say that having met a near total stranger yesterday - some guy on the Internet who needed help with something. Turns out he was a nice and genuine chap.

      Of course, now I've presented the counterargument, I'm going to sound like a charming predator. I seem to have identified some inherent fault in human socialisation. I ought to write a comic strip about it.

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    14. you know what, you sound nice. I'm not actually afraid of the unknown anywhere near as much I'm afraid of the embarrassment and awkwardness of the whole meeting a stranger thing. that whole thing where you see the light of expectation and hope die in their eyes as they take in the reality, and it's all just super depressing. i do need to meet more people though

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  5. Well lately Randy's shit's too boring to even muster up the effort it takes to dislike it. I do want to thank Rob though, I read a few of his comments on an older post awhile back, and then ignored them, but a few names managed to penetrate my thick skull, and because of that I've found Gunnerkrigg Court and Dinosaur Comics. I had no idea that webcomics could be really, really good without being completely insane the way Girl Genius or Dr. McNinja are. So here is a totally sincere "Thank You" to Rob, and probably Carl too since he started this whole thing.

    Also, does anyone have recommendations? I know that you guys mentioned more than just those two, but I'd rather not try to that one comment thread on a page I can't remember. The only other webcomics I read and enjoy are Order of the Stick, Goblins, Questionable Content (It actually seems to be improving, so I give it a pass), Anti-Heroes (Taken a dip for the worse, only recommended if you like OoTS and can forgive a sporadic-at-best update schedule), and everything at nuklearpower.com

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    1. ^ Sorry, in the second paragraph there should be a "find" inbetween "I'd rather not try to" and "that one comment thread".

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    2. I don't really read any web comics, except possibly an xkcd when people here have become particularly riled up about a particular strip. I then get a sense of solidarity from the hatred I will inevitably also feel.

      I used to read sexylosers and dilbert like 15 years ago and I found that they occupied enough of my thoughtspace by themselves. I really don't understand how Kids These Days can read like two dozen comics and remember them all. This has got to me one of those Information Revolution Phenomena.

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    3. i hate QC but somehow always end up reading it. and then hating myself for reading it. and Girls with slingshots, which is also a soap about young people but a bit better. Gunnerkrigg is lovely of course. how about oglaf, that's quite good. also I like silly shit like chainsawsuit and cyanide and happiness and married to the sea

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    4. I've been enjoying Nimona recently. Scary-Go-Round/Bad Machinery is also really excellent.

      I'm also into A Softer World, which I have often mentioned here.

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    5. I think Dream Life is brilliant. I love Everblue and wish there was more of it. Likewise for The Meek and Red Moon Rising. I agree with all the people who liked Gunnerkrigg Court. I also think Leftover Soup is great and more people should know about it.

      I'll recommend more webcomics when I read them. I have been meaning to read more. However any judgement of good taste I had is invalidated by the xkcdsucks slash-fiction I just posted below.

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    6. Overcompensating is usually pretty great, Achewood is alright, Wondermark is good, so is Superosity. Goatkcd is the best, even though around 20% of its comics don't make any sense.

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    7. @10:40,
      Punctuation and capitalisation?!
      Who are you and what have you done with the real Rob?

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    8. @OP: Homestuck. Crazy comic, very funny and clever. And loooong. And original. (disclaimer: I'm not an internet culture person. Maybe everyone knows about Homestuck, I can't tell)

      @weaselsoup: Hasn't Oglaf become shit lately, though? I mean, I truly enjoyed it until a few months ago, but then they started putting out those half-assed comics starring characters we don't care about. It doesn't even give me a boner anymore :(

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    9. Digger is a pretty good webcomic that's already been finished. You can google it, I'm lazy and a href sounds like some kind of weird cough.

      CAPTCHA: einnit. I miss ALTF. Well, not really. In fact, I the-opposite-of-miss ALTF.

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    10. Bug comic is pretty funny, as is Buttersafe. Misfile gets into some pretty heavy topics without sucking, so I recommend it too.

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    11. I tried that leftover soup but it just seemed like QC only even worse drawn and written by even more of a dickhead. seriously, the guy comes across as a total fucking knobend, sanctimonious and really fucking full of himself. bleh

      re oglaf yeah it has but on the offchance 12:42 hadn't seen it then they will have a reasonable amount of good stuff to read through

      I sort of like the artwork on that Dream Life but the story's a bit confusing for someone thick like me

      Homestuck I only know through its legions of fucking annoying obsessive fans that ruin everywhere they go by not being able to do anything but talk about homestuck and also like brony-esque kind of furry kind of shit, which I assumed is what it's about, apols if i am wrong about that, i did not arse myself to investigate further. nb I do NOT suggest that this applies to you 8:10

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    12. String Theory is also pretty aces.

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    13. @weaselsoup: I tend to dislike fandoms because they're often dumber than the sum of their parts which in turn makes the parts act dumber so as to fit, but I gotta say the Homestuck one is particularly annoying.

      ...but I can't exactly blame them either. Can't blame them for being obsessed. It is truly an amazing comic. Such a refreshing experience. I most probably don't like it for the same reasons as the typical annonying HS fan, but that's the good thing about it: there's something for pretty much everyone in that comic. The beginning can be a bit hard to get through though; personally, I like it a lot now, but you have to be patient. It takes some time before you start appreciating what the comic is about. And have I mentioned it's insanely funny? If you're into that kind of humor.

      Oh and you're most definitely wrong about what it's about ;) You should give it a try.

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    14. @Weaselsoup

      Would it help if I told you he was the same guy who did 1/0?

      Delete
  6. You asked for it. I will deliver. Here is an excerpt from the next chapter of DiaBA.

    And there Kitten was, standing by a busy overpass, naked, missing an arm, faced off with an angry magical girl doctor. As Rob and Raven laughed haughtily at him, his nose began to bleed out of embarrassment.
    Before the cold could kill his boner, Ann Apolis M.D. grabbed Kitten, and raped him there and then, pushing him against the cold hard concrete. The frenzy of limbs moved ridiculously fast amid Kitten’s screams of pain. Every now and then, she’d cut part of him with her scalpel, and shout something in butchered Japanese.
    “Nice hentai,” said Rob. “needs more tentacles though.”

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    1. Congratulations, this is too bad for me to be offended by the subject matter, but not so horribly written that I can't even read it. I hope you're happy.

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    2. PLEASE TELL ME THERE WILL BE TENTACLES

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    3. THAT WAS FORESHADOWING; OF COURSE THERE WILL BE TENTACLES

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  7. SMBC is annoying me more than xkcd ever did

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    1. Do the right thing and start your own blog about it.

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    2. I would but i'm less articulate than rob and even mroe lethargic

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    3. No, you're not sorry. Stop lying.

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  8. DISREGARD THAT; I SUCK COCKS

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    1. >DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS

      FTFY. Also we cannot do this.

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  9. I'd like to make a post in which I separate people who I like from people who I don't like among the recent posters to this forum:

    Personas I like: Rob, ALTF, Jon Levi, weaselsoup, Ann Apolis, all Anonymous. cptnoremac (but possibly not), Ravenzomg!, Fernie Canto,

    Personas I don't like: Eumesmopo, Sterculian Rhetoric, Jezebel, Liberal Supporter, Leslie, Gool ol' Stanley, Vid, Sleeper,

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    1. This is a good idea. I'll go next.

      Personas I like: Rob, Ravenzomg!, Eumesmopo, weaselsoup, Lord Kitten, Capn, cptnoremac, Fernie Canto, Aquarians Love To Fuck (and all her variations thereof), Gamer_2k4, Eff Greg, all Anonymous (except 9:19),

      Personas I don't like: Jon Levi, Jon Levi, JON FUCKING LEVI,

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    2. listen rob if you don't want people to think you're a sock puppet maybe you should avoid listing yourself as the first person you like

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    3. Jon, don't give 9:19 attention or the terrorists will Win.

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    4. Personae I want to boink: Anon 8:36, I Got Sold But I'm Not A Soldier, that guy who calls you a dumb shit if you use it's wrong

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    5. What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

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    6. Does throwing shit at people count as "gorilla warfare?"

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    7. No - that's diplomacy. Kissinger wrote a book about it.

      You know, if it hadn't've been for that cunt, we wouldn't have had the Oil Crisis, which means we wouldn't have had the inflation of the early '70s, which means we wouldn't have had the recession and union unrest of the late '70s, which means we wouldn't have had Reagan and Thatcher replacing John Milton Keynesianism with John Milton Friedmanism, which means the West would actually be a thriving modern civilisation instead of a pool of increasingly redundant slavedrivers for the East.

      Yeah, so anyway, I'll piss on Thatcher's grave, but it'll be a healthy pair of Type 3 stools for ol' Henry.

      And the I'll ride Milton Keynes' concrete cows.

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    8. I don’t give a fuck who you are or where you live. You can count on me to be there to bring your fucking life to a hellish end. I’ll put you in so much fucking pain that it’ll make Jesus being nailed to a cross in the desert look like a fucking back massage on a tropical island. I don’t give a fuck how many reps you have or how tough you are IRL, how well you can fight, or how many fucking guns you own to protect yourself. I’ll fucking show up at your house when you aren’t home. I’ll turn all the lights on in your house, leave all the water running, open your fridge door and not close it, and turn your gas stove burners on and let them waste gas. You’re going to start stressing the fuck out, your blood pressure will triple, and you’ll have a fucking heart attack. You’ll go to the hospital for a heart operation, and the last thing you’ll see when you’re being put under in the operating room is me hovering above you, dressed like a doctor. When you wake up after being operated on, wondering what ticking time bomb is in your chest waiting to go off. You’ll recover fully from your heart surgery. And when you walk out the front door of the hospital to go home I’ll run you over with my fucking car out of no where and kill you. I just want you to know how easily I could fucking destroy your pathetic excuse of a life, but how I’d rather go to a great fuckng length to make sure your last remaining days are spent in a living, breathing fucking hell. It’s too late to save yourself, but don’t bother committing suicide either… I’ll fucking resuscitate you and kill you again myself you bitch-faced phaggot. Welcome to hell, population: you

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    9. Sorry pal, I wasn't paying attention, had to answer a phone call. Care to repeat?

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    10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. After stumbling across this site, I'm left with only one question. Is its only purpose is to make a website worse than xkcd, to make xkcd suck less by comparison?

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    1. Parody's the best we can be bothered wit nowadays.

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    2. Ah you should have been here in its golden age. Wit and derision flowed in equal measure. The brilliant reviews inspired brilliant comments. Memes were created and destroyed. We were under constant attack by xkcdfanboys but our determination was not overcome. It was beautiful.

      Now it’s just people masturbating over Jon Levi

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    3. You can't say masturbate here. This is a family blog.

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    4. You can't say family here. This is a masturbation blog.

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    5. How do you masturbate without a family?

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    6. With your neighbour's.

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    7. You can't blog here; this is a family masturbation.

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  12. Some Anonymous cunt said,

    ".....Now it’s(xkcd sucks) just people masturbating over Jon Levi....."

    Maybe so, but this 'Bespattering of the Jon' is itself in its golden age. Wit, wank and derision flow in equal measure - and it is joyous to behold! Spermatazoa are begat and then sent spiralling into the breach, hair is clumped and then washed!
    It is beautiful.
    It is sublime.
    Just the other day in fact, The Tutor, while pursuing his diurnal Jonsian Onanism, having thought himself well spent, shot three more times, in thick stripes on Jon's tepid form. Like Zorro.

    ¡Ay, caramba!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You quote me way more than any other anonymous. What are you trying to tell me?

      Delete
    2. There isn't any other anonymous.

      Delete
    3. Didn't you promise to fuck off or something?

      Delete
    4. ALTF, what is your list of xkcdsucks personas you like?

      Delete
    5. I'm not ALTF but I can definitely tell you're not in that list, 5:46. No one ever really liked you here.

      Delete
    6. DISREGARD THAT WE ALL SUCK COCKS

      Delete
  13. Anonymous January 28, 2013 at 10:26 PM said,

    ".....Didn't you(ALT-F, me) promise to fuck off or something?....."

    I choose the 'something' option.

    Besides, my promises are nowt but cunt-flambé.


    Innit?

    ReplyDelete
  14. ALTF's list of xkcdsucks personas she likes:

    ALTF

    ALTF's list of xkcdsucks personas she tolerates:

    Lord Kitten
    Ravensomgz
    Sterculian Rhetoric
    Jezebel pronounced Sho-Sho-Lay
    Ann Apolis

    ALTF's list of xkcdsucks personas she longs to be:

    Rob

    ALTF's list of xkcdsucks personas she has the lesbian hots for and stalks like a crazy meaux-feaux:

    Leslie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How do you know you are being stalked by ALTF? Please provide proof.

      Delete
    2. Dearest Leslie,

      1) Geaux fuck yourself.

      2) And it's, "ALT-F's list of the personae at xkcdsucks for whom she has the lesbian hots...."

      There was not one, not two, but three errors in grammar and syntax in that dross of yours and I was compelled to correct them.
      - I've corrected the plural of 'persona'.
      - I've avoided the cumbersome possessive of 'xkcdsucks' altogether and used the noun as an attributive.
      - I've eliminated the need for the terminal preposition.

      I do not believe you are the 'Real' Leslie - you are nowt but an unlettered Doppel-Leslie.

      Delete
    3. And you misspelled my name. It's "ALT-F", not "ALTF"
      Though I suspect you did this as a rhetorical device to imply derision.
      And that is fair enough.

      Delete
    4. "...There was not one, not two, but three..."

      Very ugly, A-LTF.

      Delete
    5. "...nowt but an unlettered Doppel-Leslie...."

      which, in your wildest Sapphic fantasies, would be fettered inside a Leslie Cube and taunted by the Lettered Leslie from without the cube.

      Delete
    6. Anonymous January 29, 2013 at 9:34 AM said,

      "....."...There was not one, not two, but three..."

      Very ugly, A-LTF......"

      You noticed that?
      Good for you.

      And your version, presumably more pulchritudinous I trust, would be...?

      In your response, please to consider the fact I was providing the real Leslie with lexical leverage with which she might use to riposte - and you have now ruined it.

      Delete
    7. I should add that it is very dangerous to evoke the ire of the Satanic One, our dear Leslie.
      If you might think I am nasty in seeking reciprocity, I am but a New World Chameleon compared to her status as a veritable adult female Komodo Dragon protecting her young.
      Komodo Dragons will eat their young, given a chance, by the way.

      Delete
    8. Please to consider in return the fact that I am a cunt-blocker, denying you this word-of-mouth foreplay. Any leverage you offer will have its fulcrum swiftly knocked out from beneath, leaving behind only the rod you so fear.

      Delete
    9. "There being.." would have been fine. Would also have sorted out the unpunctuated "and". Anyway, I feel like I'm providing the flagellation that Leslie should be administering.

      Delete
    10. Nu?

      "There being not one and not two, but three..."

      This was what I was to expect from the fair and fay Leslie then?
      Duly noted.
      Thank you.

      The Satanic One is off getting her two Alsatian wannabe puppies, and no doubt herself, wormed. Hopefully she will return here.
      Normally she will not read Anonymous cunt drivel, so I reckon our palaver will go unnoticed.

      Delete
  15. The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "........Summers in Rangoon....."?

      The real me would have said "Yangon"

      And you've posted this before. This redundancy and the obvious serendipitous academic convergence contained within this word salad does mimic me well though.

      I'm torn - you might be me.

      Delete
    2. And the real me would change the "On Blogger since June 2011" to "On Blogger since November 2006" on her "Profile Page"

      Delete
  16. That wasn't me. I would never make those mistakes. You are stalking me, though. Seven years and counting!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seven years?
      That's right!
      January 2006!

      Happy anniversary cupcake!

      Delete
    2. What does an anniversary cupcake look like? Yenching minds want to know!

      (Or was that a mispunctuated vocative cupcake?)

      Delete
    3. I do not know, Anonymous, I really do not.

      Help me?

      Delete
  17. @ Good Old Stanley~

    She just acknowledged it. Is that proof enough?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Indeed! I thank you for taking your time to acknowledge it Al-TF. May I request nude pictures of Leslie now? She seems to be the type I like to call 'Woman I like to fuck' or simply WLT-F. I am not sure of this however, as I have not yet fucked her, what a shame.

      Delete
    2. ".......She seems to be the type I like to call 'Woman I like to fuck' or simply WLT-F....."

      Perhaps you mean "Women I Like To Fuck"?
      And would the Initialism not be, "WILT-F"? With the emphasis on the 'wilt' bit 'cause that is what the fair Leslie will do to you?

      Delete
    3. damn it you are right AL-TF! how can you be so perceptive? If only I could master the English language as you do. You see, my native language is not English. May I say you are a AILT-F?

      Delete
  18. Also, Happy Fake Birthday ALTF! This is the day you chose when you decided to be an Aquarian!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No it's not.
      You have been misinformed.

      Delete
    2. You can wish me Happy Fake Birthday now.

      You know, if you want to that is.

      Delete
    3. You are a hurtful person Leslie.
      Still, I am drawn to you.

      Delete
    4. I think you mean "hence", not "still".

      Delete
    5. The old "In spite of" versus "Because of" conundrum.

      In spite of your assertion, I still meant 'still'. Hence fuck off.

      Delete
  19. ALTF, today is the warmest your persona has ever been. It's actually kinda nice. You're not just witty, but also human. Maybe you'll have a smartarse response to this post, but I don't mind - you can't douse this fire.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "......You're(me) not just witty, but also human......"

      I am clever, but not actually funny - I have been forced to live with this shame.
      Rob and a few others are both clever and funny - and this really annoys the fuck out of me.

      As far as being 'human'? I think not.
      I am a Google Algorithm.

      Delete
    2. > "I am clever..."

      > shitposting on xkcdsucks

      Delete
    3. ALTF is actually not all that smart. But hey, s/he can pretend so on the internet in an obscure blogspot, and isn't that all that matters?

      Delete
  20. Hey ALTF, was that really you on those photos? That was one very hot girl, let me tell ya.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am represented 'in' photographs, not 'on' them.
      I am Asian.
      Petite and mysterious.
      I am not some gingeraffe like some 'round these parts are.

      Delete
    2. For the latest photograph of yours truly, see the 'Header' on Leslie's blog.
      I am either the red be-frocked damsel spooning the fox, or the fox being spooned by the red be-frocked damsel. I cannot remember which.
      We were both on Bath Salts that night

      Delete
    3. The fact that you're not a member of the master race didn't go unnoticed, but the beautiness won out. The bikini wasn't a bad touch either. Waiting for more pictures! Also, SR should definitely publish that full frontal photo of the kathoey; s/he definitely got me aroused.

      Foxy lady, the loveliest roadkill ever.

      Delete
  21. An Ode to the fay Leslie

    Out on the wiley, windy moors
    We'd roll and fall in green
    You had a temper, like my jealousy
    Too hot, too greedy
    How could you leave me
    When I needed to possess you?
    I hated you, I loved you too

    ReplyDelete
  22. Replies
    1. Ooh, it gets dark! It gets lonely,
      On the other side from you.
      I pine a lot. I find the lot
      Falls through without you.
      I'm coming back, love.
      Cruel Leslie, my one dream,
      My only master.

      Delete
    2. Ooh! Let me have it.
      Let me grab your soul away.
      Ooh! Let me have it.
      Let me grab your soul away.
      You know it's me--ALT-F!

      Delete
    3. I did a birthday post for you.

      Delete
    4. I'm afraid to look.
      La Grenouille might be there.
      Or worse still, a fesnyng of filthy fucking Brits.

      Will there be cake?

      Delete
  23. Obviously, I have very low standards but both XKCD and Aquarians Love to Fuck are beneath them. When I think about it, ALtF sucks for all the same reasons XKCD does.

    Today I began writing a user script that automatically removes ALtF's posts each page view -- To deal with ALtF much the same as I do XKCD (blacklist the domain in my routers). However, that really wasn't worth the time -- I can scroll past the inane blather easily enough.

    Although, if there are any others who'd like to be rid of ALtF's comments then I'll finish it up and link it here. If not, who fucking cares, right? If all you've got is shit, wallow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. this has, of course, been done before, to little effect. ALTF is all-pervasive.

      Delete
    2. Misser of the point entirely@11:37 wrote:

      "...Today I began writing a user script that automatically removes ALtF's posts each page view -- To deal with ALtF much the same as I do XKCD (blacklist the domain in my routers). ..."

      Your definition of "much the same", like your mother's decision not to push the coathanger an inch higher, leaves a lot to be desired.

      Delete
    3. "Much the same" as in keep them from ever reaching my eyeballs. I'm not exactly sure what you're having trouble comprehending. Seek help from a mental health professional.

      Delete
    4. I'm having trouble comprehending how someone with such a fuckable mother could produce such an ugly child, TBH. But I guess I'm not such a looker.

      captcha: urintory. 'cos Thatcher can't have long to go.

      Delete
    5. I wouldn't bother finishing that script. Either the comments are shit or the comments are shit but less numerous and prolix. Not a bit diff.

      Delete
  24. Just stumbled upon this blog. I couldn't give a mosquito fart whether a crappy webcomic continued or not, but the purpose of this seems rather juvenile and obsessive. I mean, even if you only spend 20 minutes a week on this blog, it's still added up over the years. That's quickly approaching 100 hours of your life wasted on pure childish hate masked as just having fun. I doubt anyone's going to actually read this, but geez, life's to short to live this way. I mean seriously, when you're dying, are you really going to be like, "Yeah, those five years I spent really laying into a guy who probably doesn't even know, or care, that I exist were really well spent"?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your concerns have been addressed. XKCD wastes time in our lives whether we want it to or not, and that's what sucks.

      Delete
    2. totally man. in 100 hours spread out over the course of years, you could have totally have...

      (a)Learned to play 3 guitar chords, and use them to play George Thorogood's entire repertoire in a manner totally convincing to people who have never heard George Thorogood before.

      (b)Read like 2 or 3 whole page a day calenders. But actually, to do that you'd have to keep the old ones around, so really you would only read 2 or 3 days worth of page a day calenders, but "gone through" more by throwing the pages for months at a time into the trash.

      (c)masturbate.

      Ok. I guess this was a total waste of time that could have been better spent. Damn, this was meant to be sarcastic.

      Delete
    3. 3:53 = potential new copypasta?

      Delete
    4. 3:53, just think about all the Planck times you've just wasted reading posts here, then typing your comment, and maybe coming back here to check the responses. Imagine what you could have done with this sheer number of Planck times. Now tie the noose around your neck and jump, for you have failed your life, wasting all this time in trivial matters instead of Saving the World.

      Delete
    5. It gets worse than that, 3:53. That time is also potential income. We are effectively spending money to come here. How can we even afford such frivolity?

      Delete
    6. Just stumbled upon this thread. I couldn't give a mosquito fart whether a crappy hate blog continued or not, but the purpose of this thread seems rather juvenile and obsessive. I mean, even if you only spend 20 seconds a day on this thread, it's still added up over the week. That's quickly approaching 2 minutes and 20 seconds your life wasted on pure childish hate masked as just having fun. I doubt anyone's going to actually read this, but geez, life's to short to live this way. I mean seriously, when you're dying, are you really going to be like, "Yeah, those 2 minutes and 20 seconds I spent really laying into a guy who probably doesn't even know, or care, that I exist were really well spent"?

      Delete
    7. On my death bed, I fully expect to understand that, if nothing else, those two hours a year were the best, most productive, seconds of my entire life. I will turn to my daughter and whisper,

      "A lifetime of raising you was fine and you turned out alright, but you should have seen my xkcdsucks posts."

      Then I will pass away with a sigh of deep satisfaction, my consciousness slipping gently into eternity.

      Delete
  25. These people must have amazing lives to worry about 'wasting' bits of it. I desperatly search for ways to waste as much time as possible. Else i'm just sitting with my thoughts and thats pretty boring.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's basically a way of identifying Asperger syndrome. If someone makes an argument "STOP DOING THINGS I DON'T LIKE TO DO IT'S A WASTE OF LIFE!" then you instantly have a diagnosis.

      Delete
    2. They're having orgies on carribean yachts, that's what motivates them tell everyone to enjoy every second of their lifes.

      Delete
    3. I just watched a documentary about those aspie orgies in the Caribbean. Interesting stuff, I can see why so many don't want a cure.

      Delete
  26. hey guys can we have another debate about incest

    that was the best

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brown girl in the ring, tralalalala.

      There's a brown girl in the ring, tralalalalala.

      Delete
    2. Obviously we'd all like to speak about incest all the time, but then we wouldn't be able to fap over it all the time. We need to strike the right balance.

      Delete
  27. Anonymous January 30, 2013 at 11:37 PM said,

    "........Although, if there are any others who'd like to be rid of ALtF's comments then I'll finish it up and link it here........"

    "finish it up"?

    Oh dear!

    Are we La Grenouille?

    (That rhymes, by the way. Then you knew that, right?


    Rob January 30, 2013 at 11:53 PM said,

    ".........this has, of course, been done before, to little effect. ALTF is all-pervasive......"

    My ubiquitous omnipresence is but an Ignis Fatuus - the research of Alessandro Volta, Joseph Priestly and The Venerable Rob-o'-the-Wisp notwithstanding.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't manage to make my omnipresence ubiquitous :(.

      Delete
    2. You seem to be able to manage a fucking punctuation 'Happy Face' easily enough though, ya tautologically challenged cunt!

      Delete
    3. Why the sudden obsession with amphibians, ALTF?

      Delete
  28. Really, Randall? Of all the obtuse unix shell tools to pick, you pick tar? I am only a semi-regular Linux user, but even I've been able to memorize that "xvf" extracts and "cvf" creates (and "tvf" lists). Add a z for gzip, and a j for bzip2.

    If you really wanted something no sane person should be able to remember how to use, try sed. Or awk.

    And why do I get the feeling that the alt-text is just an excuse to go "look at me, I've been using Unix for 15 years, all you Linux n00bs should bow down before me!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Additionally, a bomb doesn't know whether or not you googled, or used man pages, or googled for man pages, or used tar --help, which incidentally, is a valid tar flag, as well as a valid flag of nearly every other command line utility.

      And "any valid tar command" as a way to diffuse a bomb is unbelievable and contrived.

      And, there are ways to use programs with graphical interfaces to tar things. But having a command line interface is convenient for scripts, and for accessing a server through ssh. This article seems to suggest that breaking all those scripts, and switching around the flags for people that access their server, would somehow fall under the heading of "technological advancement."

      And, it also suffers from the problem that it just isn't funny.

      Delete
    2. Sven?

      You're a fucking boring Nordic cunt!

      Innit?

      Delete
    3. i have a thing for Nordic men.

      Delete
    4. You seem to have a thing for all men, you lovable sexually ravenous starveling.

      Delete
    5. I'm not actually from Scandinavia; I just have a Swedish name. I'm actually part Swiss, just to make things more confusing.

      Delete
  29. Anonymous February 1, 2013 at 3:27 AM said,

    ".....Just stumbled upon this thread. I couldn't give a mosquito fart whether a crappy hate blog continued or not,....."

    Mosquitoes are not capable of flatulence ya ignorant-of-the-biology-of-the-Family-Culicidae ecto-fucking-parasitic cunt.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Obviously the phrase a 'mosquito fart' is a rhetorical device, akin to the sound of one hand clapping; it intentionally refers to something that does not exist, which if you read the whole of Anonymous 3:27's original sentence, is exactly the point xe is trying to make. If xe'd wanted to refer to something existent, xe would have used the phrase 'termite fart' for they can be quite flatulent.

      And yes, I'm using gender-neutral pronouns to refer to the cuddlefish. Deal with it.

      Delete
    2. You forgot to attribute your quote to its original source, tut tut.

      Your referencing should have looked something like this:

      3:35, A. 2013. Comics 1160-1164: Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig (1st Edition). Mountain View: Blogger. Available from http://xkcdsucks.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/comics-1160-1164-home-again-home-again.html?showComment=1359633215435#c6426981477630620512 [Accessed 2 February 2013]

      Delete