Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Comics 1083-1086: Fuck You I'm On Vacation

1083. Randy has discovered Chuck Grassley. F

1084. Don't care. F

1085. This would have been good without the caption and alt text. B-

1086. Context plz. D-

209 comments:

  1. also as the title indicates i am on vacation so fuck you

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    Replies
    1. You mean "holiday", you fat American infidel.

      Delete
    2. How do you dumb brits distinguish between Boxing Day et al. and a non-work trip out of town?

      Delete
    3. I'm not sure how dumb brits distinguish, but a government-mandated day off tends to be called a "bank holiday", being regulated by the Banking and Financial Dealings Act 1971.

      I imagine Americunts dislike "holiday" because its etymology challenges their theatrical rejection of religion, even while they're the most backwardly religious of all Western nations.

      HTH, colonial.

      Delete
    4. "their theatrical rejection of religion"

      Which America are you talking about again? The one which has God all over their money and presidential speeches, that one?

      The real reason why America doesn't say "on holiday" is because Fuck The Queen, that's why.

      Delete
    5. From the amount of content you bother to input on your reviews it seems like you are permanently on vacation.

      Delete
    6. Re religion, that's pretty much the point, Capn.

      And the problem with the US aristocracy is that it doesn't have to take its shits in public like our Lilibet. Your checks only serve to increase their balances.

      Delete
    7. how long were you saving that one

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    8. Don't you mean cheques, you limey, snaggletoothed cuddlefish?

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    9. I didn't save it. I use it every chance I get.

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    10. Just long enough to type it out. A quip relying on a US spelling mistake is almost embarrassing, but you have to tease out your audience.

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    11. now I don't know which of you is the real Anon@9:11neverforgetohshit

      9:35 = more like 911 in substance but 9:41 = more like 911 in style

      Delete
    12. hey rob, two words: guest review. make it happen.

      Delete
  2. ib 'rob is fat/lazy', 'blog sucks, stop'

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    Replies
    1. Rob's posts still contain more OC than each new xkcd. When Randy has addressed this problem, the cuddlefish may have a legitimate argument.

      Delete
    2. Maybe you just address this complaint by creating some sort of game wherin you have a preset amount of content, and you indicate whenever such content has been presented in the blog post or even the comments ... some kind of Bingo ...

      Delete
    3. rob is fat/lazy

      Delete
  3. guys, i need to find out something and you are the only ones who can help me. why is it there's no porn with the shemale ejaculating inside someone's anus? they always pull out and do it on the chest or something, and that's so boring. there's literally not one clip of a tranny giving a creampie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You want the truth?

      Every desperate Internet nerd is willing to dress up as a woman and have gay sex so there is no need for porn of it. If you can't even get laid that way then I don't know what to say.

      Delete
    2. buts there's tons and tons of shemale videos. they just always pull out or use a condom, despite the fact that a lot of people would love to see a happy ending.

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    3. usually on porn they both have AIDS already

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    4. AIDS + AIDS = Super AIDS

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    5. Yeah Capn but Super AIDS + virgin = HIV negative. God forgot a boundary check so it rolls over.

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    6. it can't just be aids because plenty of hemales finish inside.

      Delete
  4. 1086 was pretty good

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  5. I feel like randy hijacked this blog and is pretending to be this "rob" figure. His goal is to make this blog as shitty as possible and discredit it from ever being a respectable criticism of his work.

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  6. hope you are having a nice holiday rob.

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    Replies
    1. I was not aware that July 26 was a holiday. However, upon research it turns out that it is in fact Liberian Independence Day. I didn't know Liberians had such a strong presence on the internet... you learn something new every day!

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    2. That isn't really a holiday anymore since it caused around 150 years of strife and then outright war between the american-Liberians and the natives.

      Delete
    3. I imagine Randalloids (Randroids? Ayn?) would be all over Libertarian Independence Day.

      Oh, wait.

      Never mind - close enough.

      Delete
  7. so does anyone actually like xkcd anymore or is it pretty much over at this point

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    Replies
    1. so does anyone actually like Anon 4:10 anymore or is it pretty much over at this point

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    2. SICK BURN BRAH

      Delete
  8. So this girl was all like "Hey, wanna hold the baby?" and I was totally like "Ew, I'm not touching that. It came out of your vagina."

    High five? Anyone?

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  9. I think the best thing about xkcd at this point is explain xkcd (which should be subtitled "an idiot tries to explain the ever less intellectual references in xkcd and fails miserably).

    Today he couldn't figure out what the syntactical ambiguity was in the alt text.

    The explain xkcd for 1072 was particularly hilarious; he thought the problem the seventies dude would have "press 1 to leave a message" was that answering machines hadn't been invented yet (wrong), not the dude's lack of a touch tone phone (which had also been invented by then, but weren't common).

    He does manage to explain completely irrelevant crap though. Bellbottoms? I had no idea what those were, thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the best thing about the comments section of xkcdsucks at this point is anonymous (which should be subtitled "an idiot tries to explain the ever less intellectual references in xkcdsucks and

      bored, posting anyway

      Delete
  10. On behalf of all Britain, can I just apologise for the Olympic opening ceremony.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. On behalf of the USA, I apologize for Mitt Romney's thoughtless remarks.

      Delete
  11. Sup haters. I'd like to ask your opinion about a possibly bad webcomic.

    Scenes from a Multiverse is like xkcd, but with about 10 times the lolrandumb factor, a bunch of sci-fi tropes, and (ZOMG) good artwork. And yes, he sells T shirts of it. Today's comic is even dumber than usual. But do tell me what you think.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. go make a blog about how much it sucks and I will post an unrelated comment on what I think 4 years from now when I stumble across it

      Delete
  12. Capn blurted,

    "......The real reason why America doesn't say "on holiday" is because Fuck The Queen, that's why......"

    There are at least two other more pertinent reasons, sir:

    (1) One cannot easily generate a humourous, related neologism with the word 'holiday' like one can with the word 'vacation'. To wit: 'Gaycation' - for the gayers, 'Straycation' - for the adulterous fornicators and 'Braycation' - for Rob and his pet donkey.

    (2) Simply because of Billie - she was black.

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    Replies
    1. just shut the fuck up man, you make no sense and it isn't even funny when you dont. your non sequiturs aren't hilarious and quirky. you're a fucking pain in the ass.

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    2. your suffering is exquisite

      Delete
    3. Dearest Anonymous July 28,2012 @ 10:51 AM,

      I'm a girl, silly!
      Shall I accommodate your anal discomfort with a smaller gauge gomdemiche then?
      I'm feeling charitable.

      Delete
    4. I am sure that many of you are wondering why I would have spelt 'godemiché' with an extra 'm' and without the terminal diacritic. To them I say "I pedicate and irrumate with a Americanised Warholian monster that is Mmmm Mmmm Good."
      Others, to the contrary, simply believe I am an illiterate cunt who doesn't bother to proofread her dross before she clicks 'publish'.

      Delete
    5. see there you go again! what the fuck are you even trying to say, and can it not be said without you making arbitrary substitutions from a thesaurus?

      Delete
    6. "I'm a girl, silly!"

      pics or it didn't happen

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    7. i assure you there is not a fucking soul on this godforsaken earth that was wondering why you made an insignificant error when spelling some obscure word.

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    8. The error was rife with significance, are you thick?
      Though the word may be obscure, the sentiment sure ain't!

      Delete
    9. I used to hate you so much, but I must admit, I am enjoying the suffering of the cuddlefish.

      Delete
    10. The ALTF's the thing/With which I'll prick the suff'ring of the cuddlefish

      Delete
  13. "......what the fuck are you even trying to say....."

    No offence, but I am not trying to say anything to you or your ilk.
    Best you realise that sooner than later.

    I am the one in RED.
    I do not want, nor would I relish, reciprocity.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. but you explicitly addressed me! right there, at the beginning of your post, you said "Dearest Anonymous July 28,2012 @ 10:51 AM" so thats clearly false!

      Delete
    2. I was mistaken.
      Nonetheless.....

      Try as I might, and believe me I have tried mightily, it appears I’ve not the Anglospheric linguistic acumen needed to contrive dross that would accommodate your level of reading comprehension. And for this, I am deeply apologetic.

      Click on my 'RED' link above as a consolation 'booby' prize. It is the best I can proffer.

      Delete
    3. I can see the outline of ping pong balls thru your bikini bottom.

      Delete
    4. 1)You're overdoing the ellipsis, but then you're overdoing everything else too
      2)I'm not sure you know what dross means. I have never heard the word before and just looked it up and it makes no sense in the context youre using it in, so yeah, fuck you.
      3)To be concise, my point is: there is no inverse relationship between the comprehensibility and quality of text. Stop acting like such a superior cunt and make it less of a chore to decipher what you're saying. Of course this presupposes you're actually saying anything, and not simply spewing from a thesaurus to act like a superior cunt.

      Delete
    5. That is where I store my Go Go Gonads. They were used later that night as part of my act at the 'Jumbo Bar' in Patpong. I have the best antispin of all the girls!

      Delete
    6. Query?
      If I appear to you to be acting as a superior cunt, does this not presuppose that you have, at some point in the temporal past, defined a spectrum (at least bimodal) of cunts such that 'superior' and 'inferior' can be delineated and that you consider yourself to wallow in the province of the latter and that I actually belong in the former even though I am acting but I am at least 'acting to type'?

      How's that for concatenate of conjunction and comma-rich dross? One must let one's imagination fly with the myriad poetic uses of language if one is to garner any meaning from my word salads. I reckon you should not research the words 'word' and 'salads' as I misuse them here, you'll only frustrate yourself.

      Delete
    7. And just WTF does that have to do with Groundhog Day?!

      Delete
    8. Anonymous July 28, 2012 1:08 PM said,

      ".....and just looked it up and it makes no sense in the context youre using it in, so yeah, fuck you....."

      1) Looked it up? Poor phrasal verb made the worse by splitting it with a pronoun.

      2) In the context you're using it in? Redundant use of the preposition 'in' AND ending a sentence with one. Sir Winston's spinning in his crypt.

      Now your verbiage is indeed closer to your definition of the word 'dross' in the context in which I use it, agreed?

      Delete
    9. Leslie, the self-confessed Beta Female 'round these parts said,

      ".....And just WTF does that have to do with Groundhog Day?!...."

      Ummmmmm.....
      Ermmmmmmm....

      'Cause I can repeatedly shplortle-pop(1) ping pong balls until I become a better person?

      (1) Nothing sounds quite like it!

      Delete
    10. Now see, all of that meandering bullshit in the first paragraph could have been expressed without redundant adjectives like "temporal past" and a superabundance of clauses.
      To answer your "Query?", the claim that someone belies a sense of superiority does not assume that this belief is true. When I say that you are acting superior, I'm not implying I have some sort of dichotomy where people are categorised by their vocabulary, and I have simply decided that superior people are cunts. It's pretty simple; a vocabulary awkwardly employed is worthless currency, but you seem very eager to parade your wealth.
      The second paragraph is just you being a superior cunt and gloating about how lowly plebes cannot hope to comprehend your wordsalads without letting their imagination fly or some such bullshit.

      Delete
    11. You have me apprised to within an attoparsec of my true being

      ".....and I have simply decided that superior people are cunts......"

      Now in this, we are in absolute agreement.

      "....redundant adjectives like "temporal past"...."

      Only one adjective was used and it was a fucking tautology anyway! No redundancy inferred, implied or 'alluded to(1).'

      (1) Nyuck, nyuck!

      Delete
    12. 1)What are you a fucking aspie? I, (the subject) looked up the term "dross", (the object)
      2)Again, let me deconstruct this for you. I claimed that the word you are using makes no sense in X. X here is either:
      a)"The context you are using it in"
      b)"The context you are using it"
      Take your pick.

      You know, for such a superior cunt, you're not very good at your worthless preoccupation of choice.

      Delete
    13. Sheesh!
      Testy little bugger, aren't you?

      "........for such a superior cunt,....."

      Thanks, but that's uncalled for - take it back! I merely mirror my foe.

      ".....The context you are using it in...."

      What you meant to say was, "The context in which you are using it"
      You're welcome.

      Delete
    14. A testy bugger indeed am I.
      "The context in which you are using it" - Improvement in style maybe, but there is nothing wrong with its structure as it stands.

      Delete
  14. so basically what you're syaing is despite your best efforts, your head is stuck so far up your own ass you cant even have a conversation without it being ridiculously stilted and full of contrived synonyms?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes.
      I spelunk a little under 8 metres into the vortex and I play my duodenum as a didgeridoo.

      I's a Ouroboros-ian 'Human Centipede', as it were.

      Delete
  15. catullus 16, though, a classy enough reference

    '2 channe'

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    Replies
    1. Nice Innit?
      I can do Petronius and even Ovid when I am feeling particularly maudlin.

      Delete
  16. altf trolling is best trolling

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    Replies
    1. it's been forever since there was a good proper ALTF trolling session
      shit never gets old

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    2. ALTF seems to have found a perfect trolling formula which triggers insecure young chauvinists who want to put the persona of a lettered woman in its place.

      If you attack the content, you lose because there is none.

      If you attack the style, you lose because it's already as intended.

      At best you can take a similar approach and hope for a stalemate. I tried engaging ALTF once and this was as far as I got.

      So, I raise my glass to you, ALTF. The proof of the trolling's in the raging.

      Delete
    3. @ATLF

      ROTFLMAO @ you being a hot young Asian girl in a red bikini.

      Delete
    4. Regardless of whether ALTF is a "hot young Asian girl in a red bikini", ROTFLMAO @ the angry hate which makes someone incapable of believing that a "hot young Asian girl in a red bikini" can troll effectively on the Internet.

      If you studied any history of science, mathematics or engineering you would positively shit yourself at the number of brilliant people who were also sexier and richer than you.

      Delete
    5. lol typical reaction to boobs on the internet. 10% incredulous disbelief, 45% incoherent bitter hostility, 45% ass kissing white knighting.

      Delete
    6. lol typical reaction to anything on the internet. 80% meaningless argument, 20% meta-argument by some dick who thinks that he's above everyone because he can write a commentary.

      Delete
    7. @7:21 ironic

      Delete
    8. >Asian

      lol altf lives in a 98% white canadian town

      Delete
    9. @7:32 Americunt

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    10. its really hurtful when you say things like that :(

      Delete
    11. It's my dick that's causing the pain. Your asshole is so loose that you can't tell any more.

      Delete
    12. ok ill try to clench more

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    13. I just don't have the girth of the three combined dicks you're used to.

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    14. you barely have the girth of one, but you dont hear me complaining.

      Delete
    15. I do hear you moaning, however.

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    16. oh no that's just my asshole catching the wind

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    17. 8:25 to 10:32 = samefag

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    18. 8:25 to 10:52 = samefag

      Delete
  17. i don't care what you losers say, it's boring

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  18. The clerk, who I found out was named Peter, told me to stock up and grab anything I wanted. I was snatching stuff randomly off the shelves when my nose started to really gush. My security guard uniform was ruined, I had blood all down the front of it. I was feeling dizzy and weak, I think from a combination of three days no sleep, getting clocked on the nose and coming down off all the caffeine I was drinking.

    Peter tore open a packet of handiwipes and wet it under the sink and believe it or not managed to find time to come on to me while he was trying to help soak up blood from my nose. I managed to let drop I was married and I could see him wince a bit but he kept dabbing with the handiwipe at my nose for me. Gay or not, he was a relatively good person.

    "Do you think those guys are coming back?" he asked me, dabbing away.

    "Nah, you seen the last of them, guarantee you. Mexicans could not organize a bowel movement. They will go get drunk and forget about it," I said, sniffling to try to make a clot form in there so I could get on with it.

    Peter nodded and gave me the cloth, I leaned back against the counter and tilted my head up to try to make the bleeding stop. Peter got a diet coke out of the fridge and accidentally broke another one on the floor. "Who cares," he said,"I ain't coming back here. I could pick up these jobs ten times a week if I wanted 'em. My boss was trying to get me to open the store today, no way, you can feel today is going to be bad, everybody knows it. I'm going home to Burbank and I'm going to drink Jack Daniel's and curl up with a good book. The National Guard will get here eventually."

    My nose was starting to clot, I flipped the handiwipe over and was dabbing with the clean side, seemed like it was drying up. I caught motion out of the corner of my eye at the front windows. Peter gasped.

    The two dwarves were back. Standing between them was the shortest, ugliest Mexican I have ever seen. That's saying a lot, believe me. I did not have to be Sherlock Holmes to guess this was "Benny." So they were serious. They went and got somebody.

    This guy "Benny" was staring at me dead on. One of the dwarves pointed through the glass at me with a crooked finger. Benny had a dead fish stare that I had seen enough in security work to know when you are dealing with the real thing. His two friends might have been wannabes, this guy looked to be the hardest of the hardcore gangbangers. Little trimmed moustache. Dark brown features cut from rock. Although the guy stood about 4'8, he was as thick as a corded tree knot and he exuded bloodcurdling menace. Probably shot a couple of people a week and got away with it, too.

    Without taking his eyes off me, he tapped on the window with the butt of a Glock pistol and said something, probably an insult, lips barely moving. Never stopped looking at me. The guy could blister paint off a wall with his eyes.

    I almost pissed myself. My wife wanted me to leave the Desert Eagle. Damn, I was going to die because I let her cuckold me again. Ironic. Peter had already ducked down in the dark at the back behind a cheese roll display and gestured for me to "get down." I crouched and slid beside him, tossing aside the groceries I was toting as an encumbrance.

    ReplyDelete
  19. "Peter," I said, "My wife is expecting me back in five minutes from the Quik Mart. I hope you're going to tell me there is another way out of here. I'm not ready to die over a loaf of bread and some milk."

    Tapping on the glass with the Glock again. Not hard mind you. Really easy. Scary, scary dude. To this day, I can't be sure or not if these Mexicans really expected me to come to the front of the store and unlock the door so they could shoot me between the eyes.

    Peter turned out to be a resourceful guy under pressure. He said "I always imagined this, if a psycho came in and started shooting up the place, how would I get out. Follow me, I know a good way." He didn't have to tell me to stay down, we both crawled to the back.

    Air flap doors, through the back into their little stock room. Very dark except for an emergency fire exit sign. "Not that way," Peter said, "stay behind me."

    A gunshot behind us, heard glass breaking. Was just about ready to piss down my own leg. Heard what sounded like a lot more than three people rushing into the store, yelling and cursing. Another gunshot. I almost bit off my tongue.

    I followed Peter into what looked like a trolley corridor that ran behind the storefronts, all cool concrete cinderblocks. The flourescents were on back here. We had both stood up and were running now. Peter motioned me to turn right and go up a flight of stairs.

    We ran through a lobby, everything deserted, Peter seemed to magically know a side door that was unlocked - it led into the foyer of a place called La Cienega Realty. He locked the door behind us as soon as I came inside.

    I was shaking and in a cold sweat. I stunk from fear, blood all over my shirt, probably looked like hell. We both stood for a long time listening to see if any noises of pursuers following was audible. We didn't talk, didn't say anything, I was holding my breath for a while and when I let it go I was still concentrating on keeping it as narrow and silent as possible.

    Peter said "If you go out the side door of the realty, you'll be right around the corner from Sunset. That's on the other side of the Quik Mart a block away."

    I didn't move or say anything. I went over and sat down at a realtor's desk. It looked like it had been abandoned in a hurry, a yellow stick-it on the monitor said "EVERYBODY HOME BY 2:30, RIOTS!" I was scared to even turn on the desk light and just sat in the weak light of the sun coming through the front office windows.

    Peter sat down and didn't say anything. We sat their very quietly. I closed my eyes and nearly fell asleep, scared witless in spite of it. About 30 minutes went by.

    "Pete, I gotta go, buddy, much appreciated," I said and I got up. "I'm going to break for it down Sunset, hoping Benny is not around."

    ReplyDelete
  20. "I'm calling my sister, she owns a cab company. She'll send a cab out here for me to take me to Burbank," said Peter.

    I gave him a smile that came out more like a sick grimace, waved so long, went for the door crouching.

    Peered out into the street cracking the door. Fresh air came in from the outside, cool morning air with woodsmoke. No sign of anybody. Jeez, I thought, it's only 9:15 am in the morning. I thought it was night time after all that.

    I ran across to Sunset, no traffic. Quiet enough in the streets you could hear nothing but birds chirping. As soon as I made the end of the alley that led behind the houses to Martin Way I took off running all out, kept expecting Benny to put a bullet in my head at some point.

    I got home, my wife was shrieking at the sight of the blood. I locked all the doors, closed all drapes, took a shower and fell asleep on the couch after three days with nothing but catnaps.

    I remember drifting off with my wife asking me, "What about the milk?" and I replied "Put a few drops of vanilla into the powdered full cream milk and chill it for a couple of minutes, it's delicious. Can't talk. Too tired. Love you, hon. I should have taken that gun, don't give me any more advice, okay? From now on I'm running the show here. After the riots end you can henpeck me all you want."

    It's good I got a nap in because that afternoon was going to be biblical, no kidding. Apocalypse on a grand scale. You never saw CGI special effects in a movie that could hold a candle to what I saw when I woke up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "9:15 am in the morning"

      Delete
    2. Also

      >for me to take me
      >came in from the outside
      >kept expecting... at some point
      >Apocalypse on a grand scale
      >CGI special effects in a movie

      Should I be surprised that this comes from a [url=http://bonniegadsden.blogspot.co.uk/2012_04_01_archive.html]libertarian[/url]?

      Delete
    3. Oh fuck, this isn't a phpbb is it.

      Delete
    4. You are shit at posting hyperlinks.
      Here.

      Delete
    5. Yes, see 6:57. I have failed to memorise the mark-up each particular board requires.

      Life was a lot simpler when you downloaded something from Matt's Script Archive for your first attempt and then did everything with mod_perl. Now it's a new fucking framework every couple of years and they're all crippled in some awful way that makes you realise half way through your project that your team should have just started from scratch and documented well like they used to.

      Fuck the Internet. It has become so full of shit. IRC, e-mail and Usenet were sufficient for communication. After all the journals and professional publications came online, there was nothing else that needed doing.

      Delete
    6. @7:14 no you just suck ass its plain old html

      Delete
    7. What you mean is that it's some subset of HTML and I'll have to either look around for a list or try stuff out and see what's stripped out.

      Anyway, the web is not a suitable discussion board medium. Choose/create a decent open protocol and allow people to use the client/presentation that they want. You know I'm right.

      Delete
    8. You don't have to do that. I didn't. I just looked at the page source to see how hyperlinks were made there and copied it.

      Delete
    9. Implying that output reflects valid input markup. Syntax, elements and attributes could be entirely changed.

      I'm bored now so [ego-destroying insult], [implication that you'll want to provide a comeback] and [statement that I am AFK for months now so I'll never hear your response].

      Delete
    10. Hey! My ego!
      I won't want to leave a comeback ACTUALLY. I don't care what you think. I don't care about anything!
      I bet you will read (not hear, you fucktard) my response because you're exactly the kind of petty asshat who insists on having the last word always.

      Well I'm having the last word because my older brother moderates this blog and will block your IP if you don't apologise.

      Delete
    11. "What you mean is that it's some subset of HTML" Because as we all know, the markup for <a> tags varies based on what "subset" you're using.

      Delete
    12. 10:41, see 8:54 below this post.

      Delete
    13. i know i totally foresaw you would use that argument so i left myself wide open just to engage you.

      Delete
    14. oh wait except for the part where i didn't do that all because that would be retarded.

      Delete
    15. 11:06, are you saying that 6:57/7:14/8:18/8:34, despite clearly showing technical understanding, somehow "wouldn't know" that "a href" is how u do a link?

      Delete
    16. well fuck now im not even sure he knows how quotes work, and ive just found out he has a problem with referring to himself in the third person.

      Delete
    17. 2:34, see 8:54 below this post.

      Delete
    18. i know i totally foresaw you would use that argument so i left myself wide open just to engage you etc.

      Delete
  21. Seriously, ALT-Fuck should write a guest review.

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    Replies
    1. Aside from the expert-linguistics-troll-with-a-smattering-of-elemental-classics persona, I'm not sure ALTF is that creative. There are examples of its work (or something writing very much like it) elsewhere on the interwebs and they're not very inspiring.

      It's like Rob's microfiction: looking at the passion he puts into some of his rants here, I'd have expected something less formulaic.

      in b4 lets see if you can do better

      Delete
    2. altf isn't even a good troll. There's no real perceived weakness for the participant to explore. Right away, readers know altf has won. So all the readers get is a boring trolling session which is neither exciting to read or memorable beyond the initial gimmick.

      A good troll leaves lots of holes or weaknesses that allow different discussions to travel along different lines. A great troll will have these weaknesses mentally mapped out and an action plan in each case. The result of this is a mentally engaging troll, where both the reader and participant always feel as though they are in a position to respond rationally to a different perceived weakness even as the current weakness is shown to have been baited. It leads to emotional investment in the discussion, and is the only effective way to troll long-term alone.

      Delete
    3. I think ALTF does leave intentional weaknesses, though not usually subtle - its posts often seem to contain several vacuous but coherent remarks plus one or two obvious errors of content or style. I think to myself "oh fuck someone's going to rage about X" and they do. The X="temporal past" example above was embarrassingly trivial.

      Maybe this says more about the quality of xkcdsucks commenters than about ALTF.

      in b4 some cuddlefish saying that ALTF has succeeded because you talk about it: like xkcd, we are talking about it because it keeps appearing, not necessarily because it's good.

      Delete
    4. 9:43 you aloof god among men, you.

      Delete
    5. LOL @ "ALT-FUCK" !

      Delete
  22. Why is it that some places you say NIGGERS! and no-one cares but other places it loses you like a dozen people's respect?

    I think everyone should be required on their 18th birthday to publish a video of themselves masturbating while taking a shit and repeatedly chanting something like NAKED BABIES! KILL THE RICH! NIGGERS, SPICS AND KIKES!

    This would be a great equaliser.

    ReplyDelete
  23. wheres your like, video, man.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anon 9:43 is the funniest cunt on here so fuck ALTF.

    9/11 jokes are hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Anonymous July 30, 2012 9:43 AM said,

    "......Maybe this says more about the quality of xkcdsucks commenters than about ALTF......"

    You see?
    Now this is funnier than anything I could ever possibly hope to render manifest.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Some cunt above, in the not too distant temporal past, inquired after my possible status as an 'aspie' - I was deeply perplexed.
    I had to actually research this word, unlike the above cunt who would have had to 'look it up', to ascertain its meaning in today's temporally present Anglospheric lexicon. After many easily countable hours of research, I have settled on one definition.
    Well, dear readers, I have been called many things in my sordid past, including:

    Various fruits - banana for instance - you know yellow on the outside and white on the inside?

    Various vegetables - cabbage mostly, but even broccoli, though I can't imagine why.

    Meats - "Nice piece of meat"!

    Even baked goods - "Tart" and "Crumpet"

    But never, to my knowledge, have I been likened to the reproductive organs of an Aspidistra.
    I quite like it.
    If anything, it sure beats being considered a sexually useful imperfection in a Medieval suit of metallic armament.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Anonymous July 29, 2012 4:05 AM said,

    ".....At best you can take a similar approach and hope for a stalemate. I tried engaging ALTF once and this was as far as I got.

    So, I raise my glass to you, ALTF. The proof of the trolling's in the raging......"

    Apologies, I couldn't be arsed to duplicate your link, but for the sake of fuck, don't ruin things for me 'round here! This is my ONLY social outlet!
    I used to think that one could set numerous cats alight, for fun, and then bury them in the back yard, but as long as you played team sports people would think you okay. Now I know better. I need this on-line life to maintain my façade.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And as far as 'hoping for a stalemate'?
      Don't fool yourselves.
      I never lose(1).
      Your ass-whooping only ends when me mam calls me to my vittles and I leave the Internet machine.

      (1) Except to Rob and Kittens, but then, they cheat!

      Delete
    2. Kitten's only way of 'cheating' is being mentally handicapped enough to make you feel bad about it.

      Delete
    3. And that works a treat!
      To defeat me through trickery you must never underestimate the level of deep empathy I feel for the less fortunate among us.

      Delete
  28. Anonymous July 30, 2012 8:54 AM said,

    ".....A good troll leaves lots of holes or weaknesses that allow different discussions to travel along different lines......"

    I do leave lots of 'holes' and reveal many 'weaknesses' - yins is just too thick to perceive them.

    Exempli gratia

    I once pixellated a wonderful poem by Cicero, in Latin, wherein I 'shifted' to the accusative case from that of the original vocative case - pure fucking error, though not altogether unclever - and what happened?
    Nothing!
    Nada!
    Floccinaucinihilipilification!

    Where were the different discussions?
    Where were the different lines?

    Meh!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Dude. Your hole? Shut it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. omg DUDE you totes got trollzored by altf the gratest troller ever!

      Delete
    2. Sheesh!
      No need to be rude!
      Would you be so kind as to specify which hole I am requested to shut?
      I mean, you know, my natural state involves retaining the free-flow of air through at least seven of them.
      I am willing to accommodate your request, if I can.

      Delete
    3. he just watched teeth, so probably that one

      Delete
  30. Anonymous July 30, 2012 9:43 AM also said,

    ".....we are talking about it because it keeps appearing, not necessarily because it's good......"

    By 'it' I suspect you mean me?

    Rob can, though whether he would or not, I do not know, provide any and all with the code for a handy Javascript Applet that will render all my dross 'invisible' to those who might be frightened by it.
    After all, many fear that which they do not understand and facing this particular fear is probably too much to ask of the dullard.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. O fortunam, etc

      Delete
    2. lol @ Javascript Applet

      Delete
    3. It exists Capn!
      It surely does!
      I've seen it with my own epicanthic fold enlivened eyes!

      Delete
    4. <code>javascript:var ss='https://ajax.googleapis.com/ajax/libs/mootools/1.4.5/mootools-yui-compressed.js';var s=document.createElement('script');s.src=ss;document.body.appendChild(s);window.filth = $$('a:contains("Aquarians Love To Fuck")');for (i=0;i<filth.length;i++){filth[i].parentElement.parentElement.parentElement.children[1].innerHTML="*Censored*";}alert('Huzzah, the foul and unholy ALTF is vanquished!');</code>

      just bookmark the shit in the code tags. you're welcome.

      Delete
    5. might have to click it twice if the library takes too long to load.

      Delete
    6. ".....Huzzah, the foul and unholy ALTF is vanquished....."

      This little addition is what makes it sublime I reckon.

      Delete
    7. haha ive improved it now it replaces altf with recent tweets about breastmilk. makes the site more cuddlefish friendly. <code>javascript:var ss='https://ajax.googleapis.com/ajax/libs/jquery/1.7.2/jquery.min.js';var s=document.createElement('script');s.src=ss;document.body.appendChild(s);window.filth = $('a:contains("Aquarians Love To Fuck")');jQuery.getJSON("http://search.twitter.com/search.json?callback=?",{q: "breast milk",rpp: filth.length},function(tweets) {for (i=0;i<tweets.results.length;i++){window.e=filth[i].parentElement.parentElement.parentElement;e.previousSibling.children[0].src = tweets.results[i].profile_image_url;filth[i].innerHTML="Cuddlefish "+tweets.results[i].from_user_name;e.children[1].innerHTML=tweets.results[i].text;}alert('Huzzah, the foul and unholy ALTF is vanquished!');});void(0);</code>

      Delete
    8. It's not fucking sublime any more now.

      Delete
    9. Why do the cuddlefish keep replying to her? If you just ignore her, she'll go away.

      Delete
    10. Capn, you are always ignored yet never go away.

      Delete
    11. Cuddlefish, you are always replying to my obvious doppelganger. Yet you never get a clue.

      Delete
    12. but i worked so hard on this :(

      Delete
  31. I was wondering how long it would take for a quick and dirty BOOKMARKLET to appear.

    Still lolling @ javascript applet though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you dont understand capn. by being a complete dumbass, altf was actually trolling you, which you promptly fell for.

      Delete
    2. oh contrail mon-non-capitan,

      I was trolling for cuddlefish, and all I got was a Anon 10:10. What a pity.

      Delete
    3. oh no no no, you see, i was meta trolling for cuddlefish hunters and you completely fell for it

      Delete
    4. troll troll troll troll trolling meta troll troll

      (nope, still doesn't make my post anymore insightful. Maybe I don't have enough meta commentary)

      Delete
  32. "....altf was actually trolling you, which you promptly fell for....."

    The Capn does not 'fall for' anything. There are occasions, reasons and deceits for which he might fall though but I am not one of them.

    I take it the phrase 'Javascript Applet' is humourous? The better nominative being 'Bookmarlet'?
    Live and learn I say!

    ReplyDelete
  33. I was reading a blog post, elsewhere on the Internet, about some policeman in New Orleans during Katrina who, upon discovering an abandoned animal shelter, decided to use the poor remaining dogs and cats for target practice. Apparently, many rounds were expended, many puppies and kitties met a gruesome end.
    Understandably, the blog administrator/author of the piece was not at all amused.

    I placed the following comment in her handy comments facility:

    "WTF?
    And with an entire city full of perfectly good African Americans?
    What a cunt!"

    I was deleted and banned. Apparently, she took offence to me calling New Orleans a 'city'.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It seems, after some research, the event took place in a school where the animal owners were told their pets would be watched by a volunteer and be kept safe!
      I really hate it when people prevaricate on blogs!

      Delete
    2. A:TF, we all know what you do for a living. You have a heart of gold and not even your irreverent Internet persona can break it.

      Delete
  34. I really hate your prolapsed uterus.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Aquarians Love To Fuck 2012

    ReplyDelete
  36. I think the worst/best thing about ALTF is that it implements Summer Glau in xkcd #406.

    ReplyDelete
  37. today randell explores the problems associated with smoking marijuana at social gatherings.

    ReplyDelete
  38. what randall wants you to think: i respect and recognise the homosexual members of my audience.

    what randall is actually thinking: cor! i wouldn't 'alf like to see those two lezzers in the background have a good snog.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Capn July 31, 2012 3:16 PM drooled,

    ".....Why do the cuddlefish keep replying to her? If you just ignore her, she'll go away......"

    It's true!

    And not only is my uterus prolapsed, it is also thrush festooned!

    Anonymous July 31, 2012 7:20 PM said,

    ".....A:TF, we all know what you do for a living....."

    No you don't!
    What you think I do, I probably do for no remuneration. I thrive without engaging in activities normally considered aspects of filthy commerce.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sugar daddy notwithstanding, re "for a living" - man shall not live by bread alone, innit?

      Delete
    2. Sugar Daddy is right!
      He's aged though. He actually remembers watching the events of 9/11 live on TV!

      Delete
  40. Anonymous August 1, 2012 3:40 AM slurred,

    "......cor! i wouldn't 'alf like to see those two lezzers in the background have a good snog......"

    Very good!
    Though you forgot the 'blimey' to complete the minced oath and ''alf' would be more correctly rendered ''arf'.
    You know, in keeping with the 'Punch' lexical 'canon' of that dialect.

    Now say it in Geordie and Scouser!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You sure break it up with your dicty jive, bree.

      I gotta collar me some Auf Wiedersehen, Pet to beat up the chops.

      I'm a little beat for my doss. Have a ball, hep cat.

      Delete
  41. I don't care what anybody says, the 2012 London Olympics Logo looks like a cubist interpretation of Lisa Simpson fellating a robot - and a headless one at that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. your mom looks like a cubist interpretation of Lisa Simpson fellating a robot

      Delete
    2. The head is there but, completing the Olympic-cubist-feminist hat trick, is shrunk in favour of the male genitalia.

      Delete
    3. Is not everything in the wretched Caucasoid world shrunk in favour of the male genitalia?

      Delete
    4. While Asian penis so small, your country makes up for it somewhat with feral macroorchid A. reticulata.

      Delete
    5. Research the origin of the word 'orchid'

      Interesting it is.

      Delete
    6. wasn't that his entire point?

      Delete
  42. Dear oh dear.
    Dear oh dear oh dear.
    This just goes to show the utter folly of teaching the pedestrian how to read and write.


    Me mam is more a Pointillist: like Seurat, Signac and Cross, actually.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "...It is a technique with few serious practitioners today, and is notably seen in the works of Seurat, Signac and Cross..." actually.

      Delete
    2. your propensity for referring to wikipedia articles commands my awed veneration, great altf. I would go so far as to say it approaches randallian proportions.

      Delete
    3. that's ok, take your time. I know you'll be back.

      Delete
    4. i'll just wait here patiently.

      Delete
    5. It is not so much 'reference' as liberation.

      EVERYTHING I might post here has its origins in Wikipedia because I haven't a keyboard.
      ALL my lexical daisy cutting relies on my ability to 'copy' and 'paste', even periods and commas, with only an aged pointing device that functions by detecting two-dimensional motion relative to its supporting surface.

      Delete
    6. "....It's OK. I'll just wait here patiently....." Actually.
      Your propensity for referring to Lesbians and the Living Dead posts commands my awed veneration.

      Delete
    7. In this post, ALTF indicates that any sufficiently short sequence of words could have been lifted from another page. The relative obscurities of the sequence and the source are irrelevant.

      Dammit, ALTF you are fast becoming my new xkcd. Not nearly as stale.

      Delete
    8. "....It's OK. I'll just wait here patiently....." but those are not even the words that were used, my dearest altf

      Delete
    9. Lesbians and their ardent trysts with the Living Dead are many things, but obscure? I think not!

      Actually, my truly vapid friend, in this post I am indicating that you are a cunt.
      Mind you, my medications are contra-indicating all over the fucking place as I do so.

      Delete
    10. now now altf, dont work yourself into a lather. mean words are for cunts.

      Delete
    11. If I am not allowed to lather, do you mind if I spritz myself senseless with a Waterpik instead?

      Delete
    12. I would much prefer if you bludgeoned yourself skinteyed with a kanabo, but it is entirely your prerogative.

      Delete
  43. quietly talking to the diverse tortured fragments of my collective consciousness.

    ReplyDelete