Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Comics 1074-1076: Infinite Badness

1074. She actually has a point. C+

1075. Of all the things that make cars dangerous, I don't think "evolution didn't prepare you enough" is the one we should be worried about. But it's a very Randy thing to complain about, I guess. D

1076. The only reason this one doesn't get an F is because I like to imagine that Bill Murray is actually the creator of the universe. D-

107 comments:

  1. Rob, you useless libertarian fuck, I know people like you want any reason to deniggerate the government but NASA's accomplishments are in science and engineering, not "wow-awesum-a-guy-went-far-out-into-space". The stickwoman in 1074 couldn't be more wrong, and just because Lockheed v.2 is giving a cheap first hit to NASA it doesn't mean that The Free Market (which died in the 1920s and hasn't come close to existing since) is going to create a golden shower age of space travel.

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    Replies
    1. lol calling me a libertarian

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    2. Yeah, Rob couldn't even fit inside a library.

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    3. PLEASE CAN THE GOVERNMENT NOT HAS COLOR

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  2. "when Bill Murray finally slept with Rita"

    how did real life actor Bill Murray sleep with fictional character Rita? Either both should be the character name or both should be the actor's name. What a miserable fucking failure.

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    Replies
    1. Nerds have trouble distinguishing reality/fantasy, and like to think that a well-known character and the person acting it are one and the same in thought and deed. See also everyone in Star Trek.

      Delete
    2. Randall was making a strong feminist statement that superior women actors are able to completely "become" their roles, whereas the inferior male only ever succeeds in playing himself.

      This is part of a long-standing mission on Randall's part to demonstrate the extent to which women are superior to men except in the areas of drawing stick figures and defending themselves on the internet.

      Delete
    3. Have I ever explained my unified theory of Jerry O'Connell

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    4. no please don't

      on second thought, go ahead. we need bait to lure out the elusive ALTF.

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    5. ALTF is the greatest thing to ever happen here

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    6. Your mediocre microfiction is no excuse for admiring those who happen to have more practice with a thesaurus, Rob.

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    7. The penultimate thing actually.
      The greatest thing to ever happen here has yet to happen.

      Happy fourth, you revolted colony cunts!

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    8. should've said that "the greatest girl has yet to come"

      and me? i'm having a fifth on the fourth! god DAMN america!

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    9. I've heard 3/4 of America is at 100 Yankee degress. Keeping cool Eichmann?

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    10. It's actually pretty simple to explain, Jerry O'Connell is our universe's Quinn Mallory... and every movie he's ever acted in set in an alternate universe of the Slider's multi-vese... in one universe he sees a dead body as a child and it scars him for life so he never studies science, in one he get's interested in science thanks to his eccentric genius neighbour but ends up getting super-powers instead, in one universe he always wishes he'd gone with his friends to see that dead body and grows up to be a Detective with a thing for forensic pathologists, in one he moves into an apartment infested with sentient roaches... and so on. In our universe, he's an actor in our universe and plays parts that mirrors the lives of his alternate selves.

      Delete
    11. I have implored all gods old and new, arcane and obscene, to deliver psychic vegan spiders directly to your skull. I am assured that the few who have survived their torture tell amazing stories, which you could certainly benefit from. There are no gift receipts for divine intervention: do not waste this gift, my dear concentrant of loathe!

      Also, ALTF, though my lizard-like physiology allows me to maintain a normal body temperature, I assure you that I am always Hot and occasionally Bothered. Thank you for your concern.

      Delete
    12. Man, I loved Sliders to death. One of the few things that seemed as good if not better now than when I watched it as a kid.

      Delete
  3. I like how instead of letting his punch line sit in 1074 he has to spend an extra three lines congratulating himself on what a sick burn he came up with.

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    Replies
    1. yeah that's one of Randall's favorite vices. he likes having his characters talk about how great the punchline is

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    2. A lot of webcomics seem to do it, but few as popular as xkcd get away with it. It's similar to ending a strip with a stupid one-liner about how quirky a character is, which is another common webcomic vice.

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    3. Well as long as you like it!

      Delete
  4. 1077 reminds me a lot of 854. They're both about how Randall is completely incapable of growing up or doing anything that could be reasonably expected of an adult because instead of having a real life and a real job he spends 15 minutes a week drawing stick figures on the Internet. And somehow he expects his audience to identify with this.

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    1. If I had the wherewithal to invent a time machine then the first thing I would do is drop Randall in the middle of Victorian London with tuppence ha'penny and a good luck card.

      Delete
    2. what did Victorian London ever do to you?

      also then Punch would have been full of shit stick figure cartoons where characters explain the fucking punchline.

      Delete
    3. Well someone would have to explain the laconic "Peccavi" punchline to you ignorant Yankee cunts.
      Innit?
      And Anonymous 7:51 AM? 'tuppence ha'penny' no longer has a monetary connotation. It is used figuratively to describe something of little value - like you. Besides, 2 1/2 pence in early Victorian England would buy you a Welsh tart and a pint of bitter.

      Delete
    4. Luckily for 7:51, the context is Victorian Britain, and the glove fits.

      No call for paediatricians in that aristocratic reactionary Suu Kyi's new order, eh? Tuppence ha'penny, indeed.

      Delete
  5. 1077 represents everything that's so grotesquely wrong with this "nerd culture" that Randall is feeding. No, Randy: being inept at doing basic, trivial things in life is NOT nerdy, NOT cute and NOT quirky, but just SAD. Stop this. You know something else you're completely unable to do? Laugh at yourself. You're unable to look at your own situation and make fun out of it. That is basic, absolutely fundamental, for ANY comedian. You don't do that. Instead, you look at your own horrible, sad situation, make it "cutesy", and try to cause laughter from identification. You are pathetic, Randall. You are the opposite of everything that comedy is all about.

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    Replies
    1. even a nerd obsessed with the internet would want a chair to sit on, a bed, a table, something to eat. this person in the picture is mentally ill. not funny

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    2. He was using hyperbole for the sake of humour and does not truly live in a house empty of furniture.

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    3. The Internet needs more people like you, Eumesmopo.

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  6. INFANITE ENERGIESZ

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  7. I don't even think they necessarily fucked in Groundhog Day. I mean, isn't part of the point Phil's evolution from a horndog with only one thing on his mind to a genuinely good dude? I guess that could play either way--he doesn't impose, but he's so awesome that he's beating them away with sticks. But really, there's nothing in the way the scene is shot to suggest they had sex.

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    1. "......I mean, isn't part of the point Phil's evolution from a horndog with only one thing on his mind to a genuinely good dude?...."

      And genuinely good dudes don't fornicate?
      Well, you're probably right - not without blushing and fumbling before, incessantly apologising for numerous inadequacies during and sobbing inconsolably afterwards anyway.
      Fuck me from behind with Christiano Ronaldo, but do I ever hate fucking(1) Yankees!

      (1) Read as a verb or an adjective, both work for me.

      Delete
    2. Fair enough, but look at it in light of events earlier in the film, where Phil's using deception to get Nancy into bed, and then attempts to use very similar techniques on Rita to no avail. The first time (I think?) that he gets Rita back to his room (after the day that includes the snowball fight with the kids, etc.), I got the impression that Rita just wasn't comfortable having sex with someone she barely knew. If Phil truly transformed his character by the end of the film, he'd presumably respect that boundary.

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    3. ".....If Phil truly transformed his character by the end of the film, he'd presumably respect that boundary....."

      Film?
      What film?
      Boundaries?
      Meh! Bourgeoisie nonsense!

      Delete
  8. When's the last time any of you nerds got laid?

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    Replies
    1. Let's go with "without" as I'm sure it's your only option.

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    2. And I'd like nothing better than to fuck you from behind with Christiano Ronaldo but 1) I'd doubt you'd feel it and 2) He's an Aquarius, so if Aquarians love to fuck so much, why do I have to get my hands dirty?

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    3. And why Christiano Ronaldo? Why not a real baller like Drew Brees? No, wait...he's a Capricorn and I don't think Capricorns love to fuck Aquarians. Actually no one loves to fuck Aquarians. Too yappy.

      Oh well, he can put a bounty on my ass anyday.

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    4. ".....with Christiano Ronaldo but 1) I'd doubt you'd feel it...."

      He would.
      The Portuguese is hung like a prancing Lipizzaner stallion.

      ".......why do I have to get my hands dirty?...."

      Why, indeed.

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    5. "......Oh well, he can put a bounty on my ass anyday(sic)......"

      I suspect that is what would be required.

      You're right about the yappy bit - a big turn-off. You're wrong about Capricorns. Drew, however, loves it when I get the peri-coital yips

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    6. "Leslie" = ALTF

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    7. Fuck off!
      Put me first!

      ALTF = "Leslie"

      Cunt!

      Delete
    8. Peri-coital yips?
      That sounds like a UTI, dear.

      Delete
    9. I wish!
      It's a St. Vitus Dance thing.
      It drives the boys wild, but it can be very fatiguing.

      Delete
    10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    11. This is Leslie posting under the alias 'ALTF', 'cause I can't be fucking arsed to switch accounts and fly from Northern Fucking Ontario, Canada to Fucking 150 degree F Main Street Fucking USA so Rob's counter will read my geographic location correctly.

      "Leslie" = ALTF ????

      This is a mathematical statement that asserts the equality of these two knowable quantities. The true relationship between these two quantities, however, is best expressed as:

      "Leslie" > ALTF

      Q.E.D.

      Delete
    12. Oh God, that was the best ALTF comment ever!!! I'm still laughing now, but I feel dirty!

      What a shame she deleted it. Oh well, I guess it's too awesome to ever repost.

      Delete
    13. ALTF = Capn

      Delete
    14. Leslie = Rob

      Delete
    15. Capn = Anon 1:37

      It is true, I just wanted the attention.

      Delete
    16. Capn said,

      ".....that was the best ALTF comment ever!!!........What a shame she deleted it....."

      Now that was the best Capn comment ever!!! Curiously, I do not feel dirty, but some how cleansed.

      Delete
  9. Alternate caption for 1077:
    "Comic-making tip: Just give up."

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  10. Re 1077: Whatever happened to Randy's ball pit?

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  11. Life tip: Just give up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Original commenting tip: Just give up.

      Delete
  12. Y U no longer embed the comic in each blog post? Now I have to open two windows and go find comic number xxy etc.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. wow, every day must be torture for you

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    2. do i look like i give even the smallest fuck

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    3. And not a single fuck was given.

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    4. Rob, nobody is seeing what you look like, fat jokes about being visible from every point on Earth aside. Let's be serious. I'm being serious here. You need to dispense with this vanity that makes you believe people are always watching you.

      Anyway, if you don't even give the smallest fuck it's only because nobody will consent and you're too lazy to commit rape.

      Delete
  13. Most people would be satisfied with just running with the tired old joke of "my piece has a gun/bow," but Randall goes a step further in emphasizing the unorthodox nature of this black team by putting its king and queen in the wrong opening positions. Then he crowns it off by referencing a real and actual battle in which arrows played a pivotal role in the victory! The man has a truly ingenious eye for subtlety.

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    Replies
    1. Wait. They're on the right opening positions now. Was this edited?

      Delete
  14. Im still waiting for Texasrednecktard's hilarious hijinks.

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    Replies
    1. He does tell good stories, however, it lacks an clueless, amicable sidekick.

      Delete
  15. And if people still needed further proof that Randall's comics are "inspired" by random Wikipedia articles, this comic does the job.

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    1. That's what I thought too. Not unusual, but you feel it stronger with some comics.

      AKA: I think this is a self-burn. What you (and I, incidentally) are saying is that you had no clue about this Agincourt battle/bow thing. It's kinda presumptuous to automatically assume it was inspired by a Wiki article. (not that I will abstain from it, mind you.)

      Delete
  16. man, the new xkcd would have been a lot funnier if he'd held it over until Bastille Day

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  17. the forums are having fun competing to post the dumbest goomhr. 'As a chess fan, I love this comic, even though it contains many errors' 'as an Englishman, I found this comic very funny'

    fuckers

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  18. As a racist, I found this comic hilarious.

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  19. As a pawn, I found this comic empowering.

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  20. So, according to goatkcd, the Battle of Agincourt is comparable to the Battle of Stirling Bridge? The conflation of these two battles makes no sense from either an analytical or comedic perspective. This comic was clearly thrown up in five seconds without any reference to a mental process of any kind.

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    1. Maybe goatkcd isn't for you. If you were educated with even a basic understanding of history, you would know that the Battle of Agincourt and the Battle of Stirling Bridge have entered the popular imagination via legends. The dregs of society believe the Battle of Agincourt to have been won through the use of longbows when it was superior positioning and a muddy battleground which played a greater role in defeating the ranks of heavily armoured knights that were charging, while the "mooning" incident at the Battle of Stirling never actually happened.

      By overlaying the two, goatkcd is using the apocryphal "mooning" of the Battle of Stirling Bridge to direct an offensive signal at entrenched falsehoods in the public perception of history. As an admitted history buff, I find it hilarious.

      As for you, stick to Garfield.

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    2. So in your mind, an absolutely basic understanding of history includes the battle of Agincourt and battle of Stirling? Way to not be a pretentious douche.

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    3. 12:39, maybe xkcdsucks isn't for you.

      Delete
    4. An absolutely basic understanding of history also includes awareness of the First and Second Battles of Panipat. Knowledge of the Third, however, would most certainly border on pretentious douche-dom though.
      And if y'all don't accept this I'll go all Rourke's Drift on your sorry asses.

      Delete
    5. "......The dregs of society believe the Battle of Agincourt to have been won through the use of longbows when it was superior positioning and a muddy battleground which played a greater role in defeating the ranks....."

      Poppycock!
      Every school boy at Eton knows what really won the battle......

      "We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
      For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
      Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
      This day shall gentle his condition;
      And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
      Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
      And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
      That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day."

      It still works today to get our 18 year old idiot sons and daughters to go out and kill and be killed so we back home can enjoy Third-World-grown fresh Brussels Sprouts in February.

      Delete
  21. It's good to see that Randall has a total disregard for history as well as humor.

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  22. That afternoon, I began hosing down the roof with water to make it difficult for passing rioters to throw a molotov up there and set the house afire if they came by the alleyway. Some of my neighbours were doing same.

    The rabid leftist across the street, a guy with a little goatee like Trotsky and an earring, came over and offered me a blank check if I would loan him my .22 pistol for the duration of the riots. He said his girlfriend was so scared she had been unable to sleep and he wanted it to give her a feeling of security. About two weeks beforehand, this guy had given me a long smug lecture about the evils of guns in private hands. I gave him the cold shoulder and told him to go up the street to the gunshop if he needed a gun. He said, "They've got a ninety day waiting period! I already tried!" I told him "You're s**t out of luck, then, I guess. Can you even appreciate the irony? That is called being hoisted by your own petard." It was true. The guy didn't appreciate the irony. He was a creature of emotion and now felt fear, maybe for the first time in his pathetic life. Ah, the utter blindness to self-knowledge of the liberal mind.

    I had a roll of rusty barbed wire I ran completely around the property over the little chainlink fence. It was the only thing I could think of to give some measure of safety to our little dollhouse. I actually wired broken glass bottles to the tops of the gates and locked the latches shut from the inside with big thick padlocks. My wife came out with sandwiches while I was working and as usual had a good laugh at me. Not in a mean way, just amused a bit at how grimly I was going about the task. The previous tenant had left the barbed wire, a half dozen animal traps and some buckets of nails. Only the week beforehand I was complaining to the landlord about the big fat coil of rusty barbwire in the outdoor garage. I set the animal traps in the weeds on the other sides of the gates, because they were the most likely spots for a rioter to try to get a handhold to leap over the fence and land on the other side. Then I set my wife to making caltrops out of the nails using some ten penny wire. In about two hours we had made a couple dozen and I spread these all over the front lawn hidden by blades of grass. Since I had never made a caltrop before in my life I had a weird sense of accomplishment at this.

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  23. The sun was going down again and everybody on the block was vanishing into their homes on cue. I was starting to feel like Richard Matheson's character in "I AM LEGEND," trying to get back into my shelter with my preps before the sun went down before the vampires woke up. The police helicopters were flying overhead so often it looked like Robert Duvall's attack on the beach in APOCALYPSE NOW.

    That night, it was like deja vu of the previous night except ten times worse. They now had burned most of South Central to the ground and were working their way steadily north towards Sunset Boulevard. I had this sense of some epic confrontation approaching when they left the ghetto and started to hit the white neighborhoods the following day.

    I went up on the roof to try resting my .203 in various gutter brackets and aiming at different parts of the street to see if I had a clear field of fire if it came to that. A police helicopter passed directly overhead and must have seen me with the rifle, but when he made a second pass after turning around I had dropped it into the gutter with my ammo and thrown some leaves over it, then pretended to be sweeping up on the roof so he might think he had seen a broomstick instead of a rifle. The thing about all this is that it was so out of character for me and yet it all seemed to be so instinctual. I was starting to feel like I had another person inside of me for 27 years and it took the riots to bring my true nature out. I was discovering that I was a survivalist. That was the real person inside of me, it was my real nature coming to the fore under stress.

    When the sun went down and the long night began, I crawled down inside the house and set up my vigil in front of the television with a pot of strong black coffee. I had not slept more than two hours in the past two days and I didn't feel tired so much as weary from anxiousness.

    Guys, the only reason I have written all this is to set you up for the third day, which is when TSHTF. The rest of this was all just prologue.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Will Smith played the main character in I Am Legend, not Richard Matheson.

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    2. You are an uncultured swine, my good sir.

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    3. you got trold

      Delete
  24. Hmm, so Randall publicly apologises for his fuck up regarding Groundhog Day, then secretly changes the chess comic and its alt-text to fix errors there. I guess he couldn't secretly change the Groundhog Day comic without it being really fucking obvious.

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  25. Guys.

    Wait.


    What if ?...

    ROB WAS RANDALL ALL ALONG !?????!!?

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    Replies
    1. we know randall has seen at least three different pairs of tits he can't possibly be rob

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    2. wait how do we know this

      Delete
  26. Rob's too fat to be Randall.

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  27. I find it hard to believe Randall actually drew 1079 himself. It's not his style - it actually looks good. Just compare it to Some of his other posters, which have almost no visual style.

    Yes, this has some of the symptoms of a bad xkcd, such as poster bait, and GOOMH bait (get out of my head Randall, I've noticed that states look like other things!) Wikipedia joke and terrible alt text. But to me it seems like an idea Randall had, then passed on to a more artistically talented friend to do the drawing. Whoever it was, they'll probably get a cut of the poster money.

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    Replies
    1. Bingo, Cap'n. It's like the Modern Major General one, except in that case someone else wrote the lyrics and he put it in comic form. Every pig with his nose in shit sometimes uncovers a truffle, but never a boson.

      Delete
  28. I've oft' wondered what people would do if given the opportunity to travel back in time and change historical events - without the resulting temporally paradoxical ramifications.
    I imagine some would go back and throttle Hitler in his crib with his own umbilicus. Others may go back to right some heinous wrong - a wrong either perpetrated on them, their family, or other group. Some might go back in time merely to observe, to not change a thing, but to simply experience a sort of hyper-nostalgia.
    Me?
    I’d go back to discover why it was, exactly, Billy Joe MacAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge – that has really bugged me for months.

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    Replies
    1. I would go back to September 11th 2001 and...

      prevent Windows XP from ever being released.

      Delete
    2. Pray tell, why?
      The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, inadvertently, keeps me ever so well supplied with fine Port and chi chi victuals - and all in exotic locations on this, our fair globe! Without XP the Foundation would be much the poorer and I would be relegated to driving Daimlers and viewing the bleached anuses of the idle Yankee 1% for a few filthy Yankee Ducats.
      Think of the repercussions of your actions!

      Delete
  29. Wow they all got passing grades. Randy making a come back?

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    Replies
    1. I actually agree. The latest comics prove that Randall is still a creative genius. Considering all the problems he has been going through, I couldn't ask him for more.

      Delete
  30. Kentucky looks like a piece of fried chicken.

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    Replies
    1. inb4
      BUT IT HAS COLOR

      Delete
    2. It's spelt "colour", you unlettered Yankee ignoramus. And to think, we saved your sorry arses in W W II!
      Cunts! The lot of you.

      Delete
    3. no, it's spelled kolor

      Delete
    4. THANKS, NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN!

      Delete
  31. I 1, 2, and all of the infinite imaginary numbers regressing backwards from 3 ya, AltF.

    Alternatively: @4:09 + AltF. Still a better love story than Twilight.

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  32. I guess 1079 was nicely drawn and a cute concept, but I'm irritated that Randy felt it necessary to include the outline of the actual map in addition to the objects. If his choice of objects were good enough, he shouldn't need to draw out the states for us...

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