Monday, June 18, 2012

Comics 1068-1070: Words For Terrible Comics

1068. Randy, nobody believes you when you tell them that your inability to maintain an erection when there is no milk involved is a novel experience. Give it up. D+

1069. I had no idea people gave a fuck about the order of the alphabet! Thanks for teaching me a new reason to hate the world, Randy. D-

1070. DID YOU KNOW SOME PEOPLE HAVE OPINIONS ON THE CORRECT USAGE OF WORDS????? F

146 comments:

  1. Fourth: waiting for my Windows Updates to finish.

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  2. Sixteenth: the last update just started

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  3. Twenty-eighth: The last update just finished

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  4. Good night everybody!

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  5. *Good night, everybody!

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  6. You worthless piece of shit there's no way 1069 deserves a grading so much better than 1070's. Fuck you, fuck this blog, fuck everything.

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    1. 1069 had a joke. 1070 did not. 1069 didn't receive an F because it had the basic structure of a comic, even though it failed to meet all the other criteria of a good comic

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    2. Bullshit that's a joke that's not a joke it doesn't even make sense. Or perhaps you think I have a martini just because I had a belt of of vermouth shortly after a couple of shots of gin? Oh God I am so mad right now I could simply puke.

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    3. don't let me get in your way

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  7. Let's just cut to the part where we give weaselsoup advice about getting laid.

    Captcha: Pretty sure Google mistook a power point for a house number this time.

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    1. i support that suggestion. better advice this time pls

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    2. all you got to do to get laid is to suck my dick

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    3. you must get lots, being so charming & all

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    4. Strapon Lover ZedJune 19, 2012 at 8:09 AM

      Hey weaselsoup, how do *you* feel about strapons?

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    5. don't fancy the idea, really. looks way too much like hard work

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    6. Strapon Lover ZedJune 19, 2012 at 8:20 AM

      Incidentally, something like 90 percent of women identify as more submissive than dominant, whereas only 70 percent of guys identify as more dominant than submissive, so you could give yourself a real edge with all those submissive guys who can't find dominant women by advertising yourself as a girl who likes being on top. Just sayin'.

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    7. that also, to be fair, sounds way too much like hard work. but cheers for the thought

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    8. Sit alone at McDonalds with a lit candle in the middle of the table and a hopeful look in your eyes. That should get somebody in the mood.

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    9. but mcdonald's is no good for vegans & vegetarians

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    10. "looks way too much like hard work"

      See, this is exactly the attitude that keeps you from getting laid.

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    11. yeah, you're probably right

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    12. weaselsoup, you fat fuck, just reply with your address and someone will be round your house to fuck you. that's not too much effort, is it?

      and don't reply with "charming". if you want to get laid, just do it.

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    13. they do say Johnny Depp is single again

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    14. As usual, whores are the answer.

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    15. i tried posting my address but there's some fuckup with google & it got the numbers all wrong

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  8. I like the way we're using grades now, as if we were making a proper nuanced judgement rather than just spraying lactation fetish LOLs and abuse everywhere.

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  9. How the heck does Randy get "Massachussetts Institute of America" on his phone? I mean, obviously the algorithm is screwy for not getting MIT, but I'm really curious how America ended up following Institute. There are Gemological, Archaelogical, Laser, Marble, Design-Build, Aikido and Roof Cleaning "Institutes of America." None of these sound like anything Randy has any interest in, and they are all pretty obscure in general. The best known Institute of America by far is the Culinary Insitute of America. But we know Randall can't cook.

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    1. randy, being a true patriot, often types "I'm from the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA" into his phone, and hence "of" is inextricably linked to "America" as far as the text shit thing is concerned.

      incidentally, "I'm from the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA" also comprises 50% of j j mccullough's text messages

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    2. Randy's phone OF AMERICA is the real patriot, not Randy. The fact is, xkcd OF AMERICA is just a webcomic OF AMERICA posted for free on the Internet OF AMERICA, it has no intent of spreading nationalist propaganda OF AMERICA. It's only supposed to make humor OF AMERICA. Although OF AMERICA.

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    3. Also, it's not true that Randall CAN'T cook. He can. He just doesn't because cooking is too un-quirky.

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    4. Randall learnt to cook to bed the feminists, but now every man can cook so he's bitter about it.

      No, I lie, he's a man-child and probably cannot wipe his own bottom.

      captcha: inglysor. inglysor from abusolanguag.

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  10. Threw a big turd at a nigger todayJune 19, 2012 at 1:41 PM

    I just couldn't take it anymore. Every day last week on my way home there was this obnoxious nigger bitch with a huge ass stuffed into tight jeans and a puffy jacket on a corner I pass. Every day she would start to waddle her simian ass across the street after the light turned green, then stare at traffic as she slowly mosey'ed across. Yesterday this bitch decided to to stop half way across, turn around, and start shouting something to this other cunt across the street with a triple baby stroller and three little nigs. I had had enough.

    Today I launched my plan. I got Sbarro pizza to go for lunch. This provided me with a cardboard 'to go' pizza box that I converted into a turd containment vehicle. I drank a huge starbucks venti house coffee in about fifty seconds, burning the shit out of my tounge doing so. The coffee had the intended shitogenic effect. I went into the bathroom with my sbarro box, squatted over it, and hatched a mean, stinky, mullato log dead center (covering one errant pepperoni). I also stole a spatula from the office kitchen, as I did not want to soil my hands with feces during my revenge.

    I left work. I slunk through traffic like a lion in the amber grass, stalking my monkey prey. I planned to scoop up my log missle with the spatula and whip it with wrist action as fast as andre agassi's. Unfortunately, I am right handed, so I knew I would have to whip that motherfucker with my left hand out my driver's side window and hope for the best.

    I spotted the bitch on the corner. She wasn't crossing, but she was eating. She had a plate of chicken wings....she was jamming one after another into her mouth, sucking off the meat, and throwing the chicken bone on the ground. It looked like a chicken sacrifice had taken place. She then licked her greasy fingers with her big negroid lips and yelled something to the negroes at the liquor store across the street, clearly her next destination.

    I loaded up my spatula and put my window down. Everything slowed way down and I took on a zen like calmness as I cocked back the turd. I whipped it. As it flew through the air, I was heartbroken to see it split into two pieces...there must have been some weak point in my log. I posit that this was the interface between my steak and potato dinner shit and my toast and yogurt breakfast shit; they had simply formed a single log with very different turdodynamic properties.

    To my amazement, both chunks of pewp hit their mark. I was at first concerned that I had damaged the fabric of space and time, as this chunk of shyte whipped off of my spatula only slightly slower than the speed of light. The smaller piece went directly into her open, yelling mouth; the second larger piece hit her hard, neanderthal head and pancaked into a massive shit explosion. As she dropped her plate of chicken wings and yelled, I saw her bite down on the turd in her mouth which resulted in shit being squeezed between the gaps in her carie-ridden, rotting teeth.

    I hit the gas and flew by her. On the way past I gave her fat ass a good whack with my spatula. I was so thrilled I came home and opened a bottle of Dom Perignon to celebrate.

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  11. how much time do you put into these posts rob? seriously it takes you so long to update then all we get it "heh xkcd is stupid for these stupid reasons that I reiterate every update." why can't you put some effort into these and make a decent post, or at least give me a decent reason to see your view as to why xkcd truly sucks.

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    1. it's because he's fat lol

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    2. it's no laughing matter

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    3. Anon@June 19, why don't YOU write a better review in the comment section following each of Rob's reviews. Since Rob's effort is abysmal, you'd have to be some sort of fucking retard not to be able to succeed at this, if a wonderful critique is your aim.

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    4. Ha ha. This is all great, guys. A propos of shit, a friend of mine wrote some stuff which maybe some of you who used to like xkcd might like. The rest of you will *definitely* hate it. Anyway, shameless vicarious pride plug on vaguely maths material not taken seriously in an interesting way:

      http://www.last.fm/user/SilasMariner/journal/2012/06/20/5ig3lc_the_gap-filler_program

      http://www.last.fm/user/SilasMariner/journal/2012/06/20/5ig4t7_don%27t_be_afraid_of_the_plane.

      P.S. blatant self plug. No foolin'

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  12. woohoo, another poster comic! i can't wait until i can buy it for twenty dollars

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  13. I don't have such a problem with 1071; I know it's terrible as a comic but I love astronomy so I was able to say 'yeah, ok'.

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  14. WOW, PEOPLE FOUND SOME SHIT THAT WILL HAVE NO EFFECT ON MY LIFE OR ANYONE ELSE'S... SURE IS AN EXITING TIME TO BE ALIVE!!!

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  15. THIS IS AN EXCITING TIME

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  16. Anybody else excited? Randall gets me pretty excited.

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  17. I love astronomy and this comic makes me hate it. and myself. and anyone who likes it. and everything else in the world. the beauty and wonder of the universe is a fucking vapid cluster of beige fucking blobs to him? fuck you, mr munroe. fuck you. you're a fucking vacuum. a drab black hole of insipidity sucking the interest out of everything you describe.

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  18. My absolute favorite thing about 1071 is that it has inadvertently removed 786 from the xkcd site, and, since that was one of the shittest comics ever, I approve.

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    1. omg and it says 786 planets omg omg munroe is so clever and witty omg

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  19. 1071: planets exist and have sizes. More planets exist outside our solar system than within.

    The only remarkable thing is the human arrogance which led us to assume that we inhabited the only planet... then the only solar system... then one of only a few solar systems. Surely the moment you look up in space and see stuff a bit like ours, you take the default position that you are *not* a unique and special snowflake, and the "exciting time" would only come if you have proof to the contrary.

    Of course, that logic would mean that planetary scientists don't get as much funding, and we might have to spend more time taking notice of what's happening on Earth.

    tl;dr There are lots of grains of sand. Most we have not yet even discovered, let alone examined.

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  20. Today's comic is aesthetically seizure-inducingly ugly. How can anyone manage to even LOOK at it without feeling physically sick? Man, in previous instances, at least Randall could make his poster-baits SOMEWHAT visually appealing.

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  21. Biologists discover thousands of new species a year. Does that make it an exciting time to be alive? Not really; most of the species are small, not very charismatic, and have small geographic ranges. Most people will never see them, and most of them will never be studied in detail. In fact, it's a pretty depressing time to be alive if you're a biologist; species are going extinct faster than they can be named. So Randall's into planets instead of species; that's cool. But while most people don't care much about either, I'd guess they'd find the species (which they actually could see if they put some effort into it) more exciting than planets (which they will never see).

    Moreover, I detect a strong whiff of Kurzweilian singularity bullshit in Randall's repeated exhortations that we live in a particularly exciting era. Major technological progress has been pretty stagnant the last 50 years. Yeah, computers keep getting faster, but really, if I time travelled back to 1960, I could have pretty much the same lifestyle I do now. Internet and personal computers are the only life changing inventions that have become ubiquitous in my life time. By the time my grandmother was my age (1944), radio, telephone, electric lights, automobiles, and powered flight, had all become widely adopted and were having major social effects. Television and pennicillin had been invented in that period, and were just beginning to impact society. The green revolution, atomic weapons and space flight were just around the corner. My grandmother saw far greater technologically driven social change in her first 35 years than I have.

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    1. that's what xkcd really is, isn't it? a lament for the stultification of human society, and the climate disasters we create that will probably ensure we never will go back into space. because he cannot cryonically (ffs) freeze himself to live to an age where exciting things might happen, he instead bitches about it & contributes only to what he sees as the increasing stupidity of the human race. by pretending to care about stuff but making it completely lame. he pretends to see himself as the white bereted cunt, going 'yay science! i am quirky!' but instead he is, and knows he is, and probably knows that we know he is, the black-hatted cunt, going 'fuck all of you, I will do as I please and I don't give a shit how irritating i am'

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    2. Hell, if you traveled back to the 1970s, you could have a *better* lifestyle than you do now. Drugs, free love, a lack of the exceptionally shitty 90s/2000s pop culture... And no xkcd (but I repeat myself).

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    3. Yeah the issue is that the neoconservative project appeared in the 1970s and hasn't been killed off yet.

      And, looking at Greece's recent stupid decision, it looks like it's sticking around.

      Technology has gone far enough to solve all the West's serious problems. We could all be working 3 day weeks like Randy (moar like 3 minute weeks amirite) and none of us should have to worry about whether we can eat or obtain shelter or basic healthcare.

      Instead tech is just being used to create new problems.

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    4. Hey, the 1970s called. They want their nostalgia back.

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    5. Well, it was the '60s that called. And, yes, it was a wonderful decade. We were technologically and socially advancing like never before, and probably never again.

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    6. If the '60s was such a wonderful decade, why would they be calling for nostalgia?

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    7. Because a time-travelling telephone conversation incorporates time-sensitive translation, of course.

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    8. the 60s: totalitarian post-war controls. the 70s: everyone was poor.

      selective collective memory much?

      Captcha: kyoneys 120, the degrees of separation between kevin bacon and my dick.

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    9. Dobbs, you were likely brought up in a Western democracy, have had little confrontation with a government beyond having to pay your taxes, and have no fucking clue what "totalitarian" means.

      A couple of dollars also says you're a compsci student and a member of the Libertarian party.

      captcha: bisoft. That too.

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  22. Nice try Randall, but I'm pretty sure that shirts with that pattern already exist.

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  23. I hope everyone here is doing their civic duty and feeding Google false numbers in the captchas.

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  24. The truth is that the L.A. Riots were the most extreme physical terror I have ever experienced. Watching the recent remake of DAWN OF THE DEAD last month brought it all back very sharply - the whole movie was just one giant flashback for me.

    I was working as a security guard at the very high class Rodeo Drive boulevard when the riots started. I knew the verdict was coming down that day on the Rodney King police trial and I had been trying to get ready the best way I knew how, by stocking up on food and buying ammunition. At that time, I was not a true survivalist, just a nascent embryonic paranoid. I knew enough of my American history to be able to predict what the blacks would do based on their previous behaviour the decades beforehand if they did not approve of the verdict. I will say that 99.999% of the people I told to watch themselves before the riots were exactly as lame and feeble as we have often accused them of being.

    The average person just has no idea of what a thin veneer civilization is until it cracks underfoot. I have to say honestly - neither did I before the riots.

    The thing rocked my world so violently that I have never really been the same person. I think my personality was altered as a result of the riots and I have kind of been on another plane of awareness ever since. I never really came down off the adrenalin and returned to my sleepy eyed sheeple state afterwards.

    Anyway, I had been talking to the celebrity slut that day known as Pia Zadora, a second rate softporn star who was rumored to have had sex with nearly every male and most females in Hollywood. She was asking for assistance with the lift down to the parking garage, which wasn't working. I radioed my supervisor to ask why the lifts were keyed off and he came back over the radio sounding really weird and frightened. He said "We're shutting everything down. I need you to make your security check right now and lock everything up. When you've done that, you are released to go home for the day, we are being relieved by some heavily armed private police who are being shuttled over from Beverly Hills." I asked what the problem was. Pia Zadora was staring at me like she thought this was some elaborate prank. "Listen, Cleve, some really strange stuff is happening. There are apparently spontaneous riots breaking out all over because of the Simi Valley verdict. Lock everything up and get yourself home immediately." I showed Pia Zadora the stairwell access, walked her down to the car and then did my security checks as asked.

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    1. The truth is that the latest xkcd strips were the most extreme psychological terror I have ever experienced. Watching the recent remake of SHAUN OF THE DEAD last month brought it all back very sharply - the whole movie was just one giant flashback for me.

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    2. Worst copypasta ever. Can anyone come up with a better one?

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  25. I was supposed to meet my wife at Soup Plantation, a well known restaurant down the road. I couldn't get her on the mobile. When I got there and parked, there was a queasy air amidst all the shopping mall splendour and people had a frightened look in their eyes that I had never, ever seen before. The easy listening music in the restaurant was so mundane it was hard to reconcile with the outside windows, which had fire engines, police cars and people running on foot outside. I had planned to just eat quickly with my wife and go home, because I was having trouble absorbing the idea that this thing was possibly even worse than I might have imagined. I thought South Central was so far off, truth is it was about five minutes down the road.

    People in the restaurant were watching the television reports, which were growing increasingly more feverish and seemed to just show one new burning building every thirty seconds. I was trying to keep a calm demeanour and went to explain to my wife what was happening.

    All of a sudden, a woman in the restaurant screamed. A guy dropped his tray and soup went everywhere. A man was standing in the doorway of Soup Plantation and wobbling on his feet. Blood was gushing out of his forehead which had a nasty gash running right down to his ear. He yelled "They're coming! They are next door in the mall!! They're tearing everything to pieces!"

    You could have heard a pin drop. Then the restaurant exploded with activity and EVERYBODY was crawling over the women and children trying to get to their cars in the parking lot outside. I'm talking blind panic here, people smacking into each other like they could not give a fugg less about any human in the world outside of themselves. A guy floored his Subaru and tore the toll gate right off the booth. Everybody else was following him out, the attendant was gone. There was cars hitting each other like bumper buggies at the carnival, nobody seemed to care, everybody wanted to get out to the street.

    When we made it out onto the highway, I got my first look at the skyline since I left Rodeo Drive. It looked like the fires of hell were consuming half of the city. My wife was crying, she thought it was the end of the world.

    If you want me to continue, I will tell you what happened when we got home and what that night was like.

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    1. What the hell, just go for it. It's not like there's anything else fascinating here.

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  26. According to exoplanet.eu (the best reference site for this sort of thing), there are only 778 exoplanets discovered as of today. Of those, only ~250 have had their radii directly measured. So that's an awful lot of guessing on Randy's part. Also, all of the red and dark brown dots look to be the same size.

    And no, this isn't an exciting time. Discovering the first exoplanet 20 years ago was exciting. After 100 it was kinda neat, and now after 700+, it's routine.

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    1. And the funny thing is, that huge money poster had even less scrutiny.

      You give a nerd a single fact and they'll argue over it all day. You give a nerd 700 facts and they'll treat you as a new authority.

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    2. No, this isn't an exciting time. The first interstellar voyage to an exoplanet in 200 years will be exciting. And now before the invention of neutrino-powered faster-than-light travel, it's far too speculative.

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    3. BUNK! Neutrinos do not travel faster than light.

      http://news.sciencemag.org/scienceinsider/2012/06/once-again-physicists-debunk.html

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  27. Q: How do you know Randy needs more money
    A: He makes another poster

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  28. At least this comic answered the question of what happens if Randy reuses a comic name. Turns out he overwrites the old comic by mistake! OOPS

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    1. "Check your inputs" is in week one of any first course on anything to do with software engineering.

      Randy, as we know, isn't an engineer. He's an engineer-fan. The only sciency thing he hangs onto is "once I lucked out and got an internship at NASA". Well, when I was 9 I won a Continuation Scholarship and when I was 11 I was in the national final of some general knowledge competition. I did not mention either when I wrote my first university entrance application at 16, because it was already stale information and I'd achieved much more since. Randy has achieved /nothing/ since.

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  29. why does it look like a colorblindness test, anyway?

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    1. According to this diagram, almost all planets are one of 7 sizes and they look awful together.

      This is what happen when God outsources to the Chinese.

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  30. But is it an exciting time to have cancer?

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  31. http://xkcd.com/875/

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    1. Randall never copies one of his old strips to make the joke better. He always does it to make the joke worse. Shame, because I liked the original.

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    2. 716 is the same as 567 is the same as 102 is practically the same as 875 is the same as this one is the same as god knows I can't be bothered to go past the first page on google, but that's plenty bad enough as it is.

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  32. OK guys, quick poll: does your penis curve clockwise or counterclockwise?

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    1. Depends on whether I'm in the northern or southern hemisphere.

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    2. depends on your relative velocity

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    3. depends which way im twisting it at the time

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  33. So the gag in 1072 is that telephones in the 1970s used rotary dials rather than buttons. Ugh.

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    1. What we've learned:

      a. Randall's stick figure people are apparently naked all the time. No surprise there.

      b. Randall's stick figure people have peg legs and/or are satyrs. Seriously, it just looks bizarre when you add pants to a stick figure but not feet.

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    2. And again Randy can't get anything right. AT&T introduced the DTMF dialing system to the public in 1963. Even if bellbottom dude didn't have a touch tone phone, he'd know what was meant by "press 1".

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  34. You can really see the rigour of the research Randall put into middle english grammar and spelling. It's this attention to detail which makes him the golden boy of academics everywhere.

    I presume they want to pinch his cheeks and ruffle his hair or something?

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  35. 1072: i want to die. F

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    1. A+ if Anonymous goes through with it.

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    2. but YOU are anonymous

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  36. 1072: Randy ignores the fact that 99.99999% of cellphone answering machines just ASK you to leave a message and instead concocts a rubbish joke around a situation that doesn't ever actually happen.

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  37. Carl hates on xkcd.

    Carl grows up.

    Rob hates on xkcd.

    Rob grows up.

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    1. *eats out

      No, wait, that's Randa... ah!

      Oh.

      Delete
  38. Do people really say 'several' for two things, or is that just Randall fudging things to make a 'joke'?

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    1. well, apparently the dictionary definition of 'several' is 'Consisting of a number more than two or three but not very many' (Wiktionary). I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone using 'several' to mean 'two or more'.

      also, the others don't generally mean two, either. all of them imply that the number is somewhat indefinite in some way--and two is seldom an indefinite number. that is, if there's only two of something, people generally just say there's two of them. numbers like 'a few' and 'several' are used more often with three or more. 'there's several books on my desk' vs 'there's five books on my desk'--in most circumstances, the latter is providing unnecessary information.

      this is probably why 'couple' has come to mean 'two or more,' actually. despite traditionally referring to two, it falls into the same category as several, few, etc: it just sounds indefinite. so if I say 'wait a couple of days' or 'I'll have a couple slices' it doesn't sound as definite as 'wait two days' or 'I will have two slices'.

      in conclusion, yes, Randy is basically fudging things to make a 'joke.'

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    2. 'I will have two slices' doesn't sound definite at all when it's you saying it.

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    3. What i'm getting at here is that rob is fat

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    4. actually I heard he lost a lot of weight

      what i'm getting at here is that you aren't being very supportive

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    5. weaselsoup is clearly not in a couple.

      Rob ate his other half.

      And Randall no longer has a couple to suckle on.

      Speaking of which, shout out to all my friends in Eng-er-land who haven't been able to access their money thanks to one of the largest banks in the country having financia^Wtechnical issues.

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    6. i think we're all much too heartbroken by the football to care

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    7. Not that I watch or understand football, but isn't "losing only on penalties" against Italy a good thing? Isn't that like having a race with God and only being pipped at the post?

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    8. well no, because a/ this has happened a lot, like, is this the sixth or seventh time it's happened to England in an international tournament since they introduced them 30 odd years ago - that's more than any other country I believe; b/ the very fact of it being 0-0 aet shows that they could have won it - Italy are by no means unbeatable at the moment

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    9. I didn't expect you to know more about football than me, weaselsoup, but thank you for the info. I feel like Hislop now.

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    10. which one? Shaka?

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    11. shaka shaka shaka shaka khan

      Delete
  39. In his latest comic, Randall reveals how long it's been since he had a real job when he posits that an effective solution to the unwillingness of most people to end a period of rest and relaxation in order to begin working is to simply NEVER ALLOW THE PERIOD OF REST AND RELAXATION TO END. Tired of working? Just don't. In Randall's case, this means a shitty comic won't update, as opposed to the rest of us, who lose our livelihoods, the livelihoods of other people, and countless other valuable things besides.

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    1. having a real job is a social contruct, you bigoted monster

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    2. being a bigoted monster is a social construct, you anti-intellectual turd captain

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  40. Did you guys know that social conventions are not unbreakable laws of nature? It's like I've been led out of the cave to see for the first time the world as it truly is.

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  41. Become a vapid, uninspired, pandering webcomic drawer with a poster selling business and YOU TOO can live every day like it's Saturday!

    PS: Money is a social construct. Randy should give away his posters for free.

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  42. 1069 was a joke about how hard English is to learn. It was the best of the three in my opinion.

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