Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Comic 857: Archimedes Screwed Up

[Demon cult-god "Professional Mole" has interrupted my Megan/Randy fanfiction wank session to bring you this special guest post. -Ed.]

The first question I believe I should answer in this "review" is: why? Because every vermin has his day and, really, why not? I'm working on the assumption, of course, that absolutely anything is better than Rob's ramblings about Randall's/his infinite and frustrated love for this mythical figure named Megan. Oh, shoot, now this review will be completely about Megan just because I mentioned her name twice in the first paragraph! RUINED FOREVER!!!1!1one!

...have you noticed I'm completely nuts already? Good, this will save some time!

But(!) Let's not waste any more time with moley ramblings. To the comic!


[Title: Archimedes; Alt-text: Give a man a fish, or he'll destroy the only vial of antidonte.]

My hatred for xkcd fluctuates a lot. It's usually at a minimum, then raises when I notice Randall actually makes money off this lazy heap of shit. It raises more when Randall pulls off obvious references instead of attempting any real humor, and then some more when Randall ruins a perfectly good comic with a stupid punchline or PPD. Notice I did not provide any links for these occurences because, frankly, I don't give a damn. But there was one goddamn strip that made my blood boil.



"Joshing". By the great old mole in the sky, isn't that a horrible lazy piece of crap that couldn't even count for an excuse of a comic! That's when any sort of sympathy I had for Randall suddenly sublimated and I realized not even he takes this as seriously as his related economical enterprises could suggest. It's this sort of comic we're talking about here! And the reason I'm bringing up this piece of shit is because... what, arey you blind? Look at this comic! It's the same goddamn shit!

This new comic has nothing good to offer. It has no interesting art(wow, Randall, a stick figure talking over white background, what a feat!), no effort(HEADS. NECKS. AT LEAST CONNECT THEM, RANDALL!), no humor(for someone ranting about "trochee humor", Randall sure loves to cater to the internet's love for all things random, don't he?), no cleverness(...repeat what I said in the last parenthesis)... nothing except: a)a nerd-ish reference; and b)a RANDOM LOL non-sequitur. And then the alt-text joins in, because apparently this is hilarious. Then I suppose Randall picked up a Mad-libs book and started filling all the blanks with "penis". Oh, Randall, you're on fire!

I don't think this comic can be fixed in any way that's not "trash it and start all over again", so let's end this review with a treat for any xkcd fan here to berate us with stupid responses to criticism: RANDOM NON-SEQUITUR-ED FAMOUS QUOTES!

- Love is the law, love under death penalty. ~Aleister Crowley
- Follow me; and let the dead raise from their graves and start the Zombie Apocalypse. ~Jesus
- My prodigious sin was, and still is, stealing that non-descript object from a dying woman's house. ~Charlie Chaplin
- Plato is my friend — Aristotle is my friend — but my greatest friend is an IMI Uzi. ~Isaac Newton
- If I have seen further it is only by looking through a sniper scope. ~Isaac Newton again because... why not?

Enough! This is so incredibly dumb I should start a shitty webcomic and sell shirts with these on. I'll probably be filthy rich in a month!

...wait a second.

[didn't actually read it, so whatever -Ed.]

77 comments:

  1. it is worth noting that adding the second panel of "joshing" to the end of any xkcd makes it a lot better

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  2. This isn't the first time he's used gteh "quote ending in a non-sequitur" joke format either. Remember this incomprehensible mess?

    http://www.xkcd.com/709/

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  3. Oh, I get it. That's not how the quote ends at all!

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  4. holy crap you're right Rob, for once

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  5. I'm not quite ashamed to admit the two Newton quotes were kinda funny. Sort of.

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  6. Zombie Apocalypse and Sniper Scope were my two favorites there Mole. =)

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  7. Long time xkcd-hater, first time poster.

    This could have been improved a bit and made little more relevant to the topic with a caption: "Archimedes "the Claw" makes a killing with the Sicilian Mafia."

    Alt-test: "I told you not to disturb my circles."

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  8. Most of that is garbage, Anon 853, but +1 for the tool tip. If Randy had used that instead of whatever else he wrote, I would've given the comic a pass.

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  9. 858: This comic fills me with unremitting terror. I am going to have nightmares about Randall trying to milk me.

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  10. It's funny cause SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE BREASTS. LOOK AT HER.

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  11. 858 has a female in it. It's obviously Megan.

    Anyways 858 less makes laugh, and more frightens me. First I think the woman is psychotic. And then that the man is psychotic. It disturbs me that they're both thinking about milking, and it makes me wonder what is going on in Randall's head and why he thought this would be funny. How could anyone think that's just a silly, harmless joke? Ohohoho all men think about is LACTATION and women are annoyed by it! It almost makes me want to cry.

    Not that I'd want to read another story about how crazy Randall is. Another guest review plz.

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  12. Fuck this. I'm not reading xkcd for the rest of my goddamn life.
    -Leahcim Ydegezs

    Captcha: penci. So close. So far.

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  13. 858: Lol, because women ONLY lactate AFTER pregnancy.

    Randy needs to research his comics more more. She's more-or-less saying that she can't be milked--not because she thinks it's weird, or anything like that--but because she's not lactating, which would/could happen after sufficient amount of time.

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  14. Since when do stick figures have breasts?

    I don't even know what else to say about 858.

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  15. Defying all logic I went to the forums to read about this and someone brings up a good point.

    What the fuck happened to her legs in panel 3? They were there in panel one and then just vanished. Who wants to bet Randall will add them in later quietly?

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  16. This comic is the most disturbing thing ever.

    Someone needs to make a YouTube video pointing out every major flaw there is with xkcd, and how it uses cheap tricks to capture its audience.

    Plinkett-style, baby.

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  17. http://www.webcitation.org/5wMUgrAA5

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  18. To closer mirror my own thoughts:

    http://i53.tinypic.com/2mgpd20.png

    Doesn't come close to capturing my nausea though.

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  19. @Nate: No way I'm betting against that.

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  20. I have never had literal tremors while reading xkcd.



    That changed with 858.

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  21. That wasn't Megan, that was Randy's mother.

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  22. The last Isaac Newton "quote" actually got a chuckle out of me, Mole. Fuck Randy. Not literally, Rob.

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  23. So who is "Ed" ? And why has been around since before Rob ?

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  24. what, arey you blind?

    well arey you?

    I know I amy not. Just wondering if you arey.

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  25. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogY8GmjD-7w

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  26. 858: This has transcended to a whole new level of creepy. Of course, Rob's going to write another Megan fanfic about it, but this time it can't actually be worse than the comic. It's physically impossible.

    Plus, the "joke" - and I use the term quite wrongly - is just that either she's psychic or that guy has a one-track mind. This does *not* depend on the thing he's thinking about being some weird fetish thing. She could have said "I know you want to go for a walk, but it's raining right now" and the joke wouldn't have changed (it'd still not be funny), it just wouldn't be as creepy.

    Congratulations, Randall. You've made me feel that being able to read is a curse.

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  27. I get the feeling Randall is attempting a GOOMH, but it's failing because not very many people share in his obsessive lactation fetish.

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  28. Honestly? 857 was not that bad, if you're not so upset that Randy makes a lot of money from doing very very little. It was lazy as shit, yes, but still arguably amusing in itself.

    858 though...
    No. That was just fucking creepy.

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  29. Charles Augustus FortescueFebruary 9, 2011 at 2:37 AM

    If Carl was still posting, I'm fairly sure this new Milk comic would result in a new addition to "Angriest rants".

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  30. I'm deliberately ignoring every other comment in this post to point out that THIS NEWEST COMIC IS COMPLETELY POINTLESS AND STUPID.

    And the alt-text is completely disturbing. Holy mother of moles...

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  31. This review should have mentioned that, if Randall really wanted to, he could simply stop making jokes: THIS FANS ARE WILLING TO DO HIS JOKES FOR HIM, FOR FREE! Look at those forums! People did not even make a passing mention to the fact that the comic is lazy as all hell, and instead just kept making more and more "hilarious" non sequiturs! Next time Randall could make a comic simply saying "here's an idea, now make up something funny and post it in the forums", and HIS FANS WOULD FUCKING DO IT.

    As for the new comic... WHAT THE FUCK

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  32. Of course, I think the last Newton quote is appropriate anyway, given his other writings.

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  33. 858... It's not that creepy. I bet everyone knows there are some people who like to be treated as a baby. It's thought by some to be caused by a bad childhood; the lack of attention or something like that, I think.
    Now he must think it's fairly usual to want to be given breast-milk, that it has nothing to do with his desire to be diapered.
    Accidentally revealing of a fetish... Woops!

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  34. 858

    what the fuck

    what else can i say

    just

    argh

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  35. Aside from the few people who are turned on by that sort of thing, has anybody ever actually wondered this?

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  36. I like "joshing." I find it funny, the rythm is good. It's not an absurd, pointless non sequitur. A pointless nonsequitur wouldve been:

    -Hey, how are you? -Good, good...
    -(silence)
    -I am goind to kill you.

    As for the new one...
    It
    is
    not
    funny

    But it is interesting. Is lactation a common type of fetish? I didn't know...

    Here is a way to improve the comic (to lazy to draw it):
    -(Megan is sitting in an armchair, reading a paper. R. is sitting in a chair, reading wikipedia.)
    -Megan: "i am not letting you eat my feces!"
    -(Silence)
    -Oh my god, she is a psychic.

    At least, this is a fetish we all can relate to!

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  37. I'm not willing to submit another guest review to Rob, so let me do this quick(I hope) panel breakdown of 858:

    Panel 1: the best panel in this comic, hands down. It has no one speaking in inhuman Randallisms and no wicked undertones. I wish this was true for the whole comic.

    Panel 2: THE BOMB HAS BEEN DROPPED FOLKS! Biggest problem here is that Randall could have picked nearly any other subject for this joke and the punchline would be the same, but NO... he HAD to pick this thing that's incredibly messed up.

    Also, stick figure breasts. What.

    Panel 3: Oh, here's the "Randall doesn't even care" panel of the week: Megan's legs disappear. Without rhyme or reason, except Randall's incredibly laziness. Surely, it was TOO MUCH EFFORT to draw two more lines! Or maybe it was VERY IMPORTANT to the comic's stupid plot to have her change position so her legs are hidden inexplicably... Seriously, Randall is lazy, yadda yadda.

    PAnel 4: the punchline. It's stupid and previsible(It was either this, or she was answering a question with hours, maybe days of delay). But also incredibly messed up. The alt-text and the assumption that most xkcd comics are autobiographical to some degree makes me think: "TOO MUCH INFORMATION, RANDALL! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!"

    This comic is a wreck.

    PS.: Anyone has a better grasp on what is that "We did not invent the algorithm" thing under his "THIS COMIC HAS ADVANCED HIGH SKOOL MATHS, HURR" disclaimer now? I can see it refers to Google, but what is it referencing(because I think I heard/read this format somewhere else) and what's the point of it being there?

    PPS.: Oh, wait, nevermind, apparently it's Randall's idea of marketing. Copy-pasting intriguing quotes from other people to attract more nerds. All he got, though, were spammers, apparently.

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  38. so wait somone else is doing an innovative marketing campaign, and Randall's essentially googlebombing their work for his own profit?

    OH I SEE NOW the 'honesty' comic wasn't a specific criticism, it's the literal length and breadth of what randall considers honesty. Writing numbers out longhand like an OCD asperger's webcomic artist- benifiting off of other people's marketing is totes okay guys!

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  39. Did Randall's account get hacked? I rarely have such a "WHAT THE FUCK?!" moment.

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  40. 858.

    858 is one of those comics that just makes your/my brain melt. It's like the two halves of my gray matter start coming loose and but are still protesting the sheer awfulness, resulting in more of loud buzzing (which reminds me of "awful din", the gray cloud-thingy in The Phantom Tollbooth, which I just watched again recently… anyway) than anything resembling a mass demonstration.

    God I hate Randall more than ever today. Randall, you asshole, you made my brain brake and I don't know if I can even get through this goddamn rant about you because of you, you asshole.

    Now, this comic is so obviously Meagan fetish porn that I don't even have to mention it. So why did I mention it? Because I guess there are a few people who really have no idea about Randall's rather morbid relationship/fantasies about having a relationship with Meagan. My god, that boy really has problems.

    And it only gets worse when you read the text. Now, women/womyn have breasts, and breasts are used for two things. For babies they afford life-sustaining nourishment. For grown-ups, they afford… well, let's just say that I normally support fully a man's interest in erotically manipulating those wonderful, wonderful pieces of human anatomy we call "breasts."

    But this is going too far. This man obviously wants to milk the woman like a cow for his own amusement/curiosity. To those into that, you'll have to forgive me if I find that disturbing, but I think what's really disturbing is that you don't really even get the impression that it's a sexual activity. With all the information we have in this comic, we can't really decide if this is a sexual obsession that he thinks about 40 to 50 percent of the time, or more like he wants to do it as a science experiment sort of thing. (It's days like this I almost — almost — wish Randall were a creationist instead of the weird science-fetishist he is.)

    Then there's the other thing: this is supposed to be funny? What the hell, Randall? Paraphilias can be funny, but not this way, and as for parascienceyisms… yeah, I don't get it. There's not fucking joke. "Haha this guy is stupid?" God, that's the same joke you've done for the last 300 comics. And that joke needs to be topical. "Haha George W. Bush is stupid," was topical, which is why it ran, uninterruptedly funny, for eight damn years. "Haha, random-guy-who-bears-no-resemblance-to-anyone (expect maybe the author of this horrid thing, but I hope not) is stupid," is so not funny my ears are bleeding.

    I'm going to wrap this up now since suppose I'd better go see a doctor about my ears. I haven't even touched upon the fact that Mr. Nobody doesn't even realize that mammaries — even on cows — only lactate after pregnancy. But hell with it. So let me end by saying: I'd really like ask somebody to please do bad things to Randall Munroe, quickly, but I'm not gonna. By the tenor of this comic, I think he'd enjoy it too much.

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  41. The use of beat panels actually made for some very good pacing in 858. I might have noticed it sooner if I didn't feel numb after reading the second panel. As it was, I ended up seeing the last two panels in sort of a daze, with all the humor sucked out of them (much like...never mind).

    And yes, I'm serious about the dazed part.

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  42. For those of you mentally limited. The joke in 858 is that if you sit with a laptop opposite to a woman you see breasts. The comic, in fact, denounces sexism by reducing males to animals.

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  43. Randy's a pervert.

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  44. The thing that bothers me most after the "surely this is something every guy thinks about, amirite fellas? AMIRITE???" vibes this is giving is that Randall apparently just recently learned this factoid. Come on, Randall, you're a sad nerd who's spent a good sizable part of the last several years reading Wikipedia articles. Surely you've known all the practical problems with your fetish for years now?

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  45. Relieved to find some hate in the echo chamber. Some people still said it was great though

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  46. As someone with a mild lactation fetish, I approve of comic 858

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  47. As someone else with the same fetish, I was thoroughly creeped out.

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  48. At least Rob gets a slam dunk Megan-obsession-semireview.

    Even if I had a lactation fetish, this wouldn't be funny.

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  49. I wanted to murder someone after reading 858. Preferably Randal.

    Is Randal the Tommy Wiseau of web comics? He really seems to be living in a bizarre fantasy world unconnected to how real people interact.

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  50. As someone with an amputee fetish, I approve of comic 858.

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  51. As someone with a failure fetish, I approve of xkcd.

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  52. "Is Randal the Tommy Wiseau of web comics?"

    Nah: Tommy Wiseau is amusing. Randall is not: he is so atrociously awful that he defies all possible definitions of "atrocity" and "awfulness".

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  53. Randall, just...what the fuck.

    858 is just completely awful. Not only does he fail to relate with his male audience ("BOOBS ARE AWESOME GUYS, AMIRITE LOL EVERY GUY THINKS OF BOOBS ALL THE TIME") he fails to not be a total creep.

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  54. Wasn't there an Xkcd comic about stick-Randal being harassed on the bus by woman who wanted him to suckle her? Someone find that comic so I can compare them.

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  55. @Ray, it's not even that it's "BOOBS R AWSUM GUYS" but that the real message is "BOOBS ARE AWESOME GUYS, AMIRITE LOL EVERY GUY WANTS TO MILK BOOBS ALL THE TIME."

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  56. @JustScott:

    http://xkcd.com/821/

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  57. Ryan North tweeter: "Today's XKCD is basically awesome." A backhanded compliment? Or is Ryan North really the world's biggest forumite?

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  58. @Justscott

    http://xkcd.com/821/

    Enjoy. Or be horrified. Whichever, really.

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  59. Never mind, I am denying my departure on account of the possibility that Randy has been hacked.

    Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

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  60. I think this is the beginning of a new era of xkcd. An era in which Randall really doesn't hold anything back.

    I'm ready. Are you?

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  61. I realize that Randall probably used the "now" in "The fact that I have breasts doesn't mean you could milk me now" to emphasize that although there are times when she could be milked, the present moment is not one of them. HOWEVER, when I first read it, I thought it was more along the lines of "Now that I have breasts, that doesn't mean you could milk me." Go ahead, read it again, and see if you can't see that as a possible meaning. So I thought someone was going to bring up the hint of pedophilia that sometimes appears (inadvertently) in Randall's comics. But I guess it's just me. Although if you assume they are BOTH adolescents, the comic as a whole is a lot less creepy because I'm willing to forgive a lot of weird thoughts in adolescent boys (for the record, I never was one so this is not based on personal experience).

    Captcha: "roide" I've heard those can be painful.

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  62. You were never adolescent?

    However, as a heterosexual male who detests breasts, I am grossly offended by the current strip.

    What's next, a strip that opens up with a detailed close-up of a breast?

    Oh. Wait.

    Ohhh...

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  63. No I skipped over adolescence because I heard it was gross. My penis is still two inches long even though I'm a woman now.

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  64. Clearly Randall has an Oedipus complex. Many people on this blog have claimed that Randall wants a girlfriend so she can act as his mom (Rob might have said it too in a rare state of insight). 858 just confirms our depressing theories.

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  65. @Anon6:13

    No, I was never an "adolescent boy". I.e., I was an adolescent girl.

    Also, note that the previous "LostInSpace" is not me. I am way too lazy to create a blogger account so I suppose having my name used by others is a hazard of posting.

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  66. P.S. I'll let you decide which one of us is more interesting.

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  67. Holy shit holy shit I haven't been here for ages but I just read the most "Milk" xkcd and simply had to say HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Holy fucking GOD DAMN shit.

    At least have him eating cookies or something so that the joke would make some sort of sense, although NOTHING is going to rub the creepy out.

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  68. Also:

    Breasts: they are about this big. Now can we, as a culture, please move on?

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  69. Mole, I thought the Jesus quote was really funny. I mean come on, it's totally hilarious to imagine that when Jesus said he'd raise the dead, he was actually thinking of starting the zombie apocalypse. I actually thought 857 wasn't bad. Lazy art, sure, but the joke was kind of amusing.

    But 858 is just creepy and weird and disturbing and I can't even figure out what the joke is supposed to be. Seriously, who is laughing at this comic, and for what reason? I hope we get a good long post about how terrible it is.

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  70. And you can buy a shirt with that quote in it -- and a FUNNEH picture of Jesus with zombies -- in my new shop-site moleisahackartist.com

    And you can pay whatever you want* for it! Just in the next five hours! RUN!

    *Only for values bigger than $20, because, hey, I'm a hack, and what's a hack without shady advertisement!

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  71. Woah, creepier than 513, which incedentally is where Robdalls identity was first confirmed.

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  72. I don't think it's supposed to be about fetishisation, or at least not sexual fetishisation. It's kind of like that comic where a guy is in awe about females being a "baby making factory." Sort of a scientific fascination engendered by a purportedly-cute childish naivety.

    It's still awful, it's still disturbing, but as the sexualisation aspect has to be read in to the text let's at least give him the tiny itty bitty piece of credit in assuming that no sexualisation is intended.

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  73. Arey any of you blind? You have yet to answer me.

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  74. Those of us that are blind can't read your question so don't know to answer it.

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  75. @ 7:44 I might have thought that it was just scientific fascination/childish naivety if it weren't for the alt-text...he thinks about it 40-50% of the time? That's got to be a sexual fetish. Would anyone spend literally half their time thinking about how fascinating it is that women can make babies?

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  76. This comment has been removed by the author.

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