It was recently brought to my attention that a fellow who isn't Jon "Jon 'History's Greatest Monster' Levi" Levi is continuing our good work and reviewing comics over at a blog called "XKCD Isn't Funny." This guy followed me on Twitter a while ago and mentioned XKCD and I thought maybe he was one of you cuddlefish, but nope! He's come into this world pure as the driven snow.
Anyway, he seems to actually reliably update, so maybe you should go there, if you're into that sort of thing.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
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Maybe you should reliably fuck off?
ReplyDeleteI hate change! I, however, embrace progress. Qwerty ain't I?
And driven snow is not pure! It's laced with Yankee-born particulate matter and assorted UAVs.
When your tutor dies, do you get any of his estate?
DeleteWhen I kill The Tutor I will accrue felicitations aplenty. The Tutor has no assets. The wealth rests with yours truly. If I should happen to expire prior to him - and this is VERY unlikely - he gets nowt but cholera and Boko Haram gets my extreme wealthiness.
Deleteshut up
DeleteYou know as well as I that what I should do and what I actually do seldom correlate.
DeleteThere is probably a very good reason for that Rob - and it is good that you do not do what you should do. You see, the actions you think you should do are nasty. The impetus for these actions has been imparted upon your pure-as-the-driven-snow psyche by a heartless and uncaring culture. What you actually do is far, far better, if a tad out-of-the ordinary and expected of a manly man of your stature.
DeleteYou do do
that voodoo
that you do
so well
I am hardly a manly man, though it is true that my stature carries a great deal of weight.
DeleteThe Tutor's sex function maps elements from my domain X to his codomain Y. The Tutor considers this insufferable process to be quite adequate. And indeed it is for him - it's an injective non-surjective function from his perspective - what's not to love?
ReplyDeleteIn The Tutor's sex function every physical point, y, in his Y codomain will map to at least one point, x, in my X domain. At a specific anatomical location, however, The Tutor's sex function maps two elements of my X erogenous zone domain to a single element, y, of his Y erogenous zone codomain. It is a non-injective surjective function from my perspective, and as a consequence, it sucks. I prefer an injective surjective sex function which is bidirectional.
"Should Orwell have been stripped of his citizenship in the 1930's on his return from Spain after fighting for a Communist brigade?"
ReplyDeleteYes, but not for his ill-fated choice of comrades or cause, but for having the utter conceit of allowing himself to be shot in his very British of necks.
Orwell was shot because he was considerably taller than the swarthy Spanish fighters and his head protruded out of the trench. You would have thought the man could have crouched a bit; those British national values of the 'Stiff Upper Lip' and 'Keep Calm and Carry On' will get ya every time!
Innit?
Now, 'Hygge', the national value of Denmark, is a much better fundamental aspect of culture to embrace if one should find one's self fighting Fascists with a bunch of pygmies. It is often translated as "cosiness", but that is only part of its meaning. Its essence embodies more: "a sense of cosy, friendly contentment producing eudaimonia".
'Stiff Upper Eye-lid' and 'Keep Down and Cosy On'.
Yes?
And eudaimonia? Who wouldn't want a shite-load of that?
And if that wasn't bad enough, he deserves a thorough gibbeting and vigorous re-arseholing with a claw hammer for inflicting upon The Queen's such lexical twaddle as 'Thoughtpolice', 'Big Brother', 'Doublethink' and 'Room 101′. Despite his connection to my homeland, Myanmar, the man's a filthy Imperialist tosser!
The Customer: "I'm a christian. I believe in the philosophy of the greatest good for the greatest number of people."
ReplyDeleteMe: "Really? So you're a Communist too then?
You must know that only pure Marxism, if applied on a global basis, would provide the greatest good for the greatest number of people, right?"
The Customer: "I AM NOT A COMMUNIST!"
Me: "You're not? Well I suppose you must support the termination of all mentally and physically disabled people in The Canadas, and elsewhere, in order to free funds which could be better spent eliminating the needless daily deaths, from wholly preventable causes, of upwards of 20,000 otherwise mentally and physically sound children elsewhere on the planet?"
The Customer: "Are you insane?"
Me: "Possibly, but I'm certainly not a hypocrite."
The Customer: "ARE YOU CALLING ME A HYPOCRITE?"
Me: "No. Why? Do you feel like one now?"
The Customer: "Let me speak to your manager!"
Me: "I would love to, but I don't have a manager.
This store is operated under Marxist principles - we are all of equal status in terms of authority. Would you like to speak to myself and my comrades in the back, together?"
The Customer: "No and I will be taking my business elsewhere from now on."
Me: "It's for the best in the best of all possible worlds. Have a nice, christian day."
The Tutor: "My not-so-little missy, the model for Zulily full-figure accoutrement that you are, I must inform you."
ReplyDeleteMe: "Another 'de haut en bas' prognostication from above?"
The Tutor: "Yes. If I might write something so obtuse and abstract that it could not be understood or at least, falsified, then I am not writing anything of import. I stake my reputation on being true to the world as it is. My great fear of intellectuals is a result of their propensity for abstraction and deracination – abstraction in their thinking and deracination in their lives."
Me: "Nonsense! Did you not deracinate me from Myanmar and a life of poverty and is your white-boy sexy-talk not certainly an abstraction?"
The Tutor: "Your response appears to be full of the empty abstraction referred to above, and without any intellectual content. And don't bother pointing out that my response doesn't have much of the latter either."
Me: "You needn't worry that I might point out anything. Phrasal verbs are an abomination unto the lesser known deities - especially those ending in a preposition(the verbs, not the deities).
Employing as you have, and then with certain egregious malice of intent actually concluding, a horrid phrasal verb with a vile preposition is something up with which Sir Winston and I will not put. As for the quantity and quality of the latter, to which you referred earlier, I would never be so presumptuous to comment - I knows me my place, I does. As to the former, to which you do not refer in the above, however, our word salads are awash in it. But as far as empty abstraction goes, it's some of the best! Innit?"
shut up
DeleteThe Tutor: "I thought I might engage in Social Media, you know; Facebook and Twitter."
ReplyDeleteMe: "Oh dear."
The Tutor: "I want people with whom I engage to think I am educated, sophisticated and worldly, but also quirky and eclectic in my tastes."
Me: "Good luck."
The Tutor: "I thought I might list in the, 'My Favourite Books' category: Finnegan's Wake, Beowulf, Less Than Zero, Don Quixote.....you know, those sorts of tomes."
Me: "You forgot Green Eggs And Ham and Lolita - that smacks of all sorts of quirky if you ask me.
And 'Finnegan's Wake' - what the fuck?
You have either never read it, or if you have, you certainly did not fucking understand it. Well fuck me from behind with a Greengrocer's apostrophe, but you are a piece of work."
The Tutor: "Greengrocers' apostrophe?"
Me: "Remind me to go short on FB and TWTR when the markets open tomorrow."
shut up
DeleteThe Tutor writes: 'The Canadas of the era of the Third Reich in Germany was itself not immune to Nazi-esque anti-Semitism; the government at the time did not welcome to any extent Jewish post-war immigration, and, until the mid 1940s, many universities had quotas on Jewish students who could be admitted to certain faculties.'
ReplyDeleteFair enough, and accurate in as much as that which is revealed, but The Tutor seems to have forgotten to mention that the Canadian government of the time did not welcome pre or peri-war Jewish immigration either, resulting in the subsequent deaths of hundreds, possibly thousands, who were turned away and forced to return to Europe.
I know why though. Why The Tutor didn't mention it I mean, not why the Canadian government were such bastards - it couldn't help itself, it being full of Christo-fascist, northern-European Caucasoid cunts and all. The Tutor was writing for the erudition of the average vile Canadian; unlettered, innumerate and ignorant as they are. It does not bode well for a society populated with deeply stupid people to harbour this thorny realisation in their inherent righteousness as a culture to be revealed as fucking hypocrites. It is not prudent to inform the deeply stupid that underneath the civilised façade of the culture they embrace they are all monsters and only a-bit-of-strategically-placed-propaganda-piece away from perpetrating unspeakable genocide if the government requires it.
Cunt sum: pudendii nihil a me alienum puto.
I am a cunt: I count nothing genital-like foreign to me.
Terence, circa 190-159 BCE
shut up
DeleteThe Tutor: "Tradiola, little missy, is the new sex."
ReplyDeleteMe: "Really? What happened to the old sex?"
The Tutor: "It went the way of the Dodo I'm afraid."
Me: "Why was I not informed of this?"
The Tutor: "To spare your feelings."
Me: "I think that motivation unlikely. You know people have feelings and that's exactly why you try to hurt them. To spare someone's feelings is just not in you."
DeleteThe Tutor: "You're right. You were not told in order to spare my feelings. Once you adapted your behaviour to accommodate the new paradigm, my options would be severely restricted."
shut up
DeleteThe Tutor: "How 'bout this then: 'When you sponsor a girl like ALT-F, you’ll be doing more than just putting food on her table and a roof over her head. If just one in every four Americans gave only one single dollar once a week - that's less than the cost of a single cup of so-so coffee from a third-rate non-branded coffee outlet per week - to folks like ALT-F a lot could be accomplished. No one, least of all ALT-F, should ever have to go to bed hungry.' What do you think?"
ReplyDeleteMe: "That would guarantee me and my kinfolk a weekly income of about 80 million dollars - that's a little in excess of 4 billion dollars a year. That kind of money buys a lot in my home village you know.
Enough dog haunch and cassava tubers to stretch from here to Neptune transported and placed there by single-use solid-gold-gilded SpaceX shuttles each of which is fuelled by burning bank notes."
The Tutor: "Yeah, that does seem a bit excessive doesn't it?"
shut up
DeleteAnyway, here's a critique of XKCD #1364 by Some Cunt
ReplyDeleteLIKE I'M FUCKED
XKCD #1364
His recurrent motif of the juxtaposition of obscure words - what've, thesis, god, parents, et cetera - and his use of hyperbolic, prolix and misspelt adjectives - ton(nes) of - reveals nowt but the callousness, vulgarity and philistinism that is the creative world of XKCD of late. It is a despairing crèche of sentence dialogue rife with pitiless realism designed as a mirror of satire raised in society's glare to catch the Caliban, nay the Sycorax herself, of modern day verb-object-subject syntactic structuring. A visitation from god herself alighted our hero. A visitation not altogether unlike the biblical plague of toads. Like as if a math thesis couldn't be explained to a five year old. I mean, really? And if this wasn't bad enough, the parents of this five-year-old-like dullard recently died in a fiery car wreck - the thesis writer is very insensitive.
shut up
DeleteSome Cunt reminds me of someone.
DeleteNo it doesn't! You're just being kind.
Deleteshut up
DeleteYou have a twitter?
ReplyDeleteyes
DeleteWassit called?
Deletehttp://www.myspace.com/fuckoff
DeleteThey are too long. I prefer your compact reviews.
ReplyDeleteALTF, your writing is a translucent mask for your loneliness.
ReplyDeleteTranslucent?
DeleteTRANS-FUCKING-LUCENT?????!!?
trans·lu·cent (trăns-lo̅o̅′sənt, trănz-)
adj.
1. Transmitting light but causing sufficient diffusion to prevent perception of distinct images.
2. Clear; lucid.
[Latin trānslūcēns, trānslūcent-, present participle of trānslūcēre, to shine through : trāns-, trans- + lūcēre, to shine; see leuk- in Indo-European roots.]
Maybe definition number two, but certainly not definition number one. Yins is spot-on concerning the loneliness though. Excreting dross at xkcdsucks is my refuge. I can crawl into the space between the other comments and curl my back to loneliness.
masque also mask (măsk)
n.
1. A dramatic entertainment, usually performed by masked players representing mythological or allegorical figures, that was popular in England in the 16th and early 17th centuries.
2. A dramatic verse composition written for such an entertainment.
3. See masquerade.
[French; see mask.]
shut up
DeleteAquarians Love To Cuddle May 5, 2014 at 1:49 PM said
ReplyDelete"......Me: "Remind me to go short on FB and TWTR when the markets open tomorrow."......"
I said this Monday afternoon, May 5, 2014.
Well?
Did you cunts see what happened to TWTR and FB Tuesday, May 6, 2014? Those of us who went short sure cleaned-up.
The Tutor can fucking move markets!
https://www.google.com/finance?q=twtr&ei=gs1sU8i4D4iCrAHGmYFg
https://www.google.com/finance?q=fb&ei=ts1sU8iOHcOaqQHJhYHQDw
shut up
ReplyDeleteAquarians, is your persona some weird kind of performance art? because it's honestly not very good. not so much intriguingly weird as just sort of tedious.
ReplyDeleteif you're remotely for real then your command of English is pretty poor, even for a second-language speaker.
No, to your first query. I bare my soul to you, desperately seeking acceptance and approval. To be welcomed into the bosom of the collective you - my idols. And what is the reward for my exertions? Derision and insult! It is therefore fortuitous that my self-loathing is sufficiently developed enough to not only accommodate your disapprobation, but to also revel in it.
DeleteI'm a fourth-language speaker of The Queen's and my command of the lingua franca of the anglosphere is indeed weird, not very good and pretty poor - unlike your excellent usage.
I do try, I really do!
Would you tutor me?
I can pay!
Anon@6:19, don't look a Trojan horse in the mouth: you rarely find someone so desperate for approval that they're willing to put in so much effort for such a small audience.
DeleteI love you ALTF. Or ALTC, if you prefer.
DeleteDearest Anonymous May 11, 2014 at 2:43 AM,
DeleteAnon@6:19 works for me. And it is the Trojan horse scrotum upon which he looks.
AND the audience here is anything but small. I know this, as The Tutor hacks into Carl's Site Meter and deposits his gametes hither and thither. I put in zero effort - all that I pixellate here is nicked from others. Excluding this, of course.
Dearest Anonymous May 11, 2014 at 7:40 AM,
Of course you do. I prefer that you include the hyphen, ALT-F or ALT-C. The hyphen is symbolic of my prehensile clitoris. It's important to me
ALT---------C/F, do you love me?
DeleteDearest Anonymous May 11, 2014 at 9:10 AM,
DeleteI fuck ya, don't I?
shut up
DeleteThe Tutor, the pe ti pin pauk of the blog world, has lost our epic conflagration. Although my victory is pyrrhic, it is a victory nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteWhy should you cunts care?
You shouldn't.
And what the fuck happened to that fucker, Greg Greenwell?
ReplyDeleteHis commenter, Menacing Banjo, displayed early promise as a worthy adversary, albeit a tad patronizing in his responses and definitely underestimating my genius - a character flaw which is ALWAYS fatal - seems to have been frightened by me and fucked off.
Rats!
http://xkcdisntfunny.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/xkcd-isnt-funny-1365-inflation.html#gpluscomments
No please, go on, I want to hear more.
DeleteI think you've nodded off. Should I stop vocalising my genius and return to pixellating it instead?
Deleteအစိုးရနဲ့ ကေအိုင်အို ခေါင်းဆောင်တွေ မြစ်ကြီးနား ရောက်ပြီ
ReplyDeleteSee?
Now that is interesting and frankly, y'all are no longer such.
I sometimes regret that England conquered the world, but then I think about how much worse it would be if some other nation had succeeded.
DeleteOn the other hand, had England not conquered the world Aquarians most likely wouldn't know English, so
DeleteBut seeing the eager natives adapt their wardance so Master is kept entertained is just adorable.
DeleteHa. England only barely struggles to survive by furiously sucking America's dick.
DeleteIndeed. WW2 was primarily a battle between the States and the Soviets - they both won, and everybody else lost.
Deleteshut up anon nobody likes you
ReplyDeleteno u
DeleteI just stumbled on this website today, I have to say that this is all just incredibly autistic.
ReplyDeleteI could sum up the entirely of Rob's "reasoning" with the line "Comedy is subjective, except for *my* tastes, which are infallible and indisputable."
I read one line saying that people who like new xkcd comics are just deluding themselves, I didn't need to read anything else to know that Rob's massive ego is inversely proportioned to his intellect.
that must be why i hate myself so much
DeleteYou said you take pride in being cynical, but you're hardly even that. You're just an ass with a terrible case of unwarranted self-importance.
Deletewait when did i ever say i was important
Deleteit is true that you are medically speaking just an ass
Deletei know my role
Deletemy role is to expel shit
oh incidentally do you have a link to the part where i said i take pride in being cynical? because that sounds like the sort of thing i would never say under any circumstances. genuinely curious! (also genuinely skeptical of your reading comprehension)
DeleteOne constant can't be "inversely proportional" to another. The phrase implies a relationship between two changing values. Or are you saying as his ego becomes more massive his intelligence shrinks?
DeleteHere's a better example: Your credibility is inversely proportional to the number of words you type.
Aw, poor Robby felt a compulsion to return to the topic without prompting eight hours after already replying to it. I guess somebody touched a nerve.
Deletethey said it was 'inversely proportioned', DUMBASS
Deletei'm just trying to have a conversation with my new fan. it's been so long
DeleteROB IS FAT.
Deleteno u
Deletehttp://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=nq5shs&s=8
Deletehttp://i.imgur.com/6ZL89tY.png
DeleteYou stole my thunder ALT-F. Damn you to hell and back.
Apologies, Anonymous May 16, 2014 at 8:39 AM, I meant no harm. May I suggest, in the future, deride me this way:
DeleteDamn you! Damn you and damn anyone who won't put a candle in the window and stay up all night damning you!
Or perhaps:
Fuck you. Fuck you and fuck anyone who won't put a candle in the window and stay up all night fucking you.
I prefer the latter over the former - obviously.
Rob May 14, 2014 at 10:03 AM prevaricates,
ReplyDelete"........that must be why i hate myself so much......"
No. You hate yourself simply because you are not me.
Rob May 15, 2014 at 4:37 PM bemoaned,
"......i'm just trying to have a conversation with my new fan. it's been so long......"
Fuck off! You cunt! It was just yesterday, or so it seems, that I was your new fan. A fan with whom you held copious conversations composing coruscating invective without a thought to the carnage created.
You've hurt me, Rob, hurt me terribly.
Anonymous May 14, 2014 at 6:57 AM cried,
"......I read one line saying that people who like new xkcd comics are just deluding themselves, I didn't need to read anything else to know that Rob's massive ego is inversely proportioned to his intellect......."
Fair enough, my friend, but you failed to recognise Rob's typical slothful and otiose typographical error. Although he pixellated deluding he actually meant to type, denuding. With this new word, the sentence is less derisory, yes?
Also, your estimation of the relationship between Rob's ego and his intellect as inversely proportioned was clever - the retards 'round here are famous for confusing a transitive verb form of a noun with the adjectival form. Nevertheless, I feel I must take umbrage at your choice of the prefix, in- to produce the derivative inversely. I am a student of prefixion and Rob deserves none - with the possible exception of per- in this case.
To wit:
"Rob's massive ego is versely proportioned to his intellect."
I hope the fact that the word denude is a cognitive synonym of the word rob is not altogether lost on you useless fuckers.
DeleteInversely proportioned doesn't even have any meaning, you unshaven cunt.
Deleteshut up
DeleteDearest Anal Leakage May 16, 2014 at 8:24 AM,
DeleteYou are incorrect - on both counts.
The phrase inversely proportioned has much meaning to those who can read with a semblance of comprehension.
I am unshaven because I do not require tonsuring - I'm Asian - you barbate-handed fuckabilly.
You are assumed to have lost this debate until you can provide judicious evidence of the phrase's authenticity.
DeleteAs an Asian, your piliferous epidermis is all the more repugnant. Also, please refrain from using hyphens as punctuation, you voluptuous shit-tit.
What debate?
DeleteI declare and you reflect.
The word is spelt, teat, as in shit-teat. Or more properly, shite-teat.
Thank you for the lesson on the non-use of the hyphen as punctuation. I never thought it should be used in place of the humble comma, but wiser heads than I assured me it is fine to do so. Granted, these cunts also assure me that one can begin a sentence with the words, And, But and However now, so who knows?
And to think that merely three score ago, Asians were still kept as pets in America. But times have changed.
DeleteGood!
DeleteYou've used And and But, but you missed However.
There's still time to redeem yourself.
Unless I have a heart attack before I decipher the captcha. Or the power goes out.
DeletePeople do not experience myocardial infarction while in my attendance. However, a transient ischemic attack is quite common. A TIA is a temporary power-outage of the brain, as it were.
DeleteSomeone's been watching House, I see.
DeleteHouse?
DeleteHouse MD?
Did you know that upwards of 50 million ignorant Yankee cunts did not, and still don't, know that Dr. House is Bertie Wooster?
Bertie couldn't tackle the bear; they took his stain.
DeleteYou've lost me and I can't be arsed to research that gibberish.
DeleteMaybe Kids in the Hall references would be more up your alley.
DeleteThat's Canadian shite, apparently. I just researched it.
DeleteI do not watch television.
Never have and probably never will. I have nowt against it, I've just felt no need to watch, especially since watching Frank Zappa.
The word television itself is a daemonic admixture of Greek and Latin. Nothing good could ever come of it.
I am gross and perverted
I'm obsessed 'n deranged
I have existed for years
But very little has changed
I'm the tool of the Government
And industry too
For I am destined to rule
And regulate you
I may be vile and pernicious
But you can't look away
I make you think I'm delicious
With the stuff that I say
I'm the best you can get
Have you guessed me yet?
I'm the slime oozin' out
From your TV set
Why don’t you,
DeleteWhy don’t you
Switch off your TV set
And do something less boring instead?
We’re wide awake!
It’s good to know you’re ready and you’re wide awake
So on your marks and get set, go!
It’s Saturday, no school today, so what you gonna do?
There’s no excuse to stay in bed we’re waiting here for you
Oh, Wide Awake … your start
Here it is … our show
Join now, stay tuned, okay, let’s go!
We’re Wide Awake!
Oh, great, that makes two Zappa fans on the same blog. This could get ugly.
Deletemore like fappa
Deletehttp://i.imgur.com/AkizxUa.png
ReplyDeleteaquarians i do a big poop on you head
ReplyDeleteit is green
i estimate diameter in excess eight unit larger than the avg diamter of a a poop to be
ReplyDeletethat is how big it is
big
Aquarians Love to Cuddle is literally a batshit version of Fred Armison. That loves assrape.
ReplyDeleteThis thing still going on?
ReplyDeleteI'm more shocked that you're still alive, frankly.
Delete\o/
DeleteEuromuppet! it's been forever etc.
DeleteHi Rob, I missed your fat ass.
DeleteWait... that came out kinda of weird.
DeleteNot as weirdly as it popped in.
DeletePucker up, Rob, you've got a Euromuppet on yer ass now.
this is my life now
DeleteDoes that also include wearing a Patka/Keski Dastar now?
DeleteYour avatar is resplendent of it!
hi rob :3
ReplyDeletehello my child
DeleteAnonymous May 19, 2014 at 7:30 PM fuct-up,
ReplyDelete".......Aquarians Love to Cuddle is literally a batshit version of Fred Armison. That loves assrape......."
Firstly, who the fuck is Fred Armison? And why should I care to know?
Thirdly, it's who loves assrape, not that loves assrape. And it can hardly be called rape if the rejuvenating colonic irrigation is requested, now can it? No it cannot. Yes means fucking yes! Okay?
You are assuming that said assrape is being applied to you. Maybe our dear anonymous is suggesting you like to watch.
DeleteDearest Ms. Kitten,
DeleteI do not think my assumption was/is unwarranted. Granted, my comprehension of the unlettered morass to which I find myself subjected when I alight here is suspect so you might be correct.
I do like to watch - like Chauncey Gardener(1).
(1) Seems to be spelt Gardiner, Gardener or Gardner depending on where you look.
Goddamner.
Delete